NBA Opener is a Giant Fart

Well that was awkward. Last night, the much anticipated season opener of the Miami Heat’s version of a dream team took place, and in a word, sucked. Featuring an offense smooth as Seal’s face, the Heat stars took turns playing one on five and turning the ball over at a grotesque rate and firing up more bricks than the sphinx at the Temple of Ramses II. Over the course of the game, yours truly obviously had thoughts running through his mind. I mean, at one point, seven surefire future hall of famers were on the court. Marv Albert was announcing. Lebron had his 90 second Nike commercial taking up entire commercial breaks. Charles Barkley kept being hilarious as he always is. This game had more plotlines than “He’s Just Not That Into You” only it didn’t make you want to gouge out your eyes and ears halfway through (not like I’ve seen the movie before, multiple times, after 2am on HBO). Thankfully, Scarlett Johansson is in it. Otherwise, this next picture might have been something lame like a sphinx.

Easy guys, there's no way she's into you...

PLOTLINE #1: Lebron James

When millions of people watch for one hour as you awkwardly announce your free-agent decision in a made for TV special creatively called “The Decision,” you earn plotline #1 in my blog. Having harped on the merits of this publicity stunt for months, I won’t rehash how narcissistic/awesome it was, so I’ll just talk about Lebron’s opening night.

First off, Lebron just looks funny in a different uniform. Picture a hot girl deciding to cut her hair really short, and you have how odd Lebron looked. Sure, we’ll eventually overlook the aesthetic change and get back to realizing how pretty the girl really is, especially how she’s able to pull off short hair, but for a while there’s that awkward phase. He may have scored 31 points, but Lebron also had eight turnovers to just three assists. While on the court, his team outscored the Celtics by one. Which is far better than Chris Bosh’s -17 and Dwyane Wade’s -18, but still. After night one with the Miami Heat, Lebron is best equated to the Sinead O’Connor buzz cut.

PLOTLINE #2: The Old Big Three

With the NBA being the only sport that refuses to think of a different nickname for a group of three really good players being on one team, the Heat are now the team with “The Big Three.” That makes the Celtics the team with “The Old Big Three.” Even though Rajon Rondo has become arguably the Celtics most important player, The Old Big Three still includes just Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and KG. With the combined age of Betty White in ten years, these guys still know how to play. Pierce took just seven shots, yet he scored 19 points. Ray Allen led the team with 20 points, and five three-pointers, including the backbreaker to put the Celts up by six with 30 seconds left. KG held Bosh to just eight points, while registering a 10-point, 10-rebound double-double. Meanwhile, Rondo facilitated 17 assists to all his old buddies. After one game, the new-look Heat may have the sizzle, but the old Celtics are the steak.

PLOTLINE #3: Shaq

He’s too big to share a plotline. Both literally and figuratively. The oldest man in the NBA, with more nicknames than New York City, took less money this off season just to play for the Celtics. What they also got is one of the best personalities in all of sports. Any time a guy records a summer TV series where he challenges other athletes in their sports of dominance, just because he’s so popular that a network can actually make money off that concept, you know he’s awesome. I just spent the past six minutes trying to think of a comparison to this. The best I could do is to have Jennifer Aniston on “The Bachelorette” and have two guys stay on the show long enough to realize she has an advanced form of Halitosis (bad breath) which makes her mouth smell like a porta-potty at a state fair in Kentucky (Because, honestly, at this point that’s the only plausible explanation for how she’s still single). Amidst all this awesomeness, the newest statue in Harvard Square can still kind of play basketball. He had nine points and seven rebounds in the opener, so he’s useful to at least clobber small dudes going in the paint.

Reason #397 When you're too famous: You can go to Harvard Square and pose as a statue, motionless and mute for an hour, while people take pictures with you.

PLOTLINE #4: Marv Albert

The most famous, recognizable basketball announcer in the game has written the playbook on how to recover from one of the most embarrassing sex scandals of all-time. Known for amazing expressions like “He’s on FIRE”, “JORDAN, YES!” and “WITH THE FACIAL” (no I didn’t make that last one up), Marv avoided career catastrophe seamlessly. In case you’re fuzzy on the details, Marv was “accused” of forcing a woman into sodomy, along with assault in the form of biting the woman’s back. Via my most reliable source, Wikipedia: “A 42-year-old woman… accused Albert of throwing her on a bed at the Ritz Carlton, biting her on the back 15 times, sodomizing her, and forcing her to perform oral sex on him. She also claimed that he would force her to “face sit” him for periods of up to 45 minutes.” I know you’re first question and the answer is, yes: “She also claimed that he would force her to “face sit” him for periods of up to 45 minutes” is in fact the greatest sentence ever written on Wikipedia. I know you’re next question, and that answer is also, yes: 45 minutes of face-sitting must be at least 38 minutes too long before it becomes unhealthy. After all that, the dude is still announcing the most important basketball games in the NBA. You have to respect this fact of how good an announcer he is.

In the end, the Celtics prevailed 88-80 in a game best compared to one of those really loud farts that never carries a smell with it. Sure, we all jumped, or in this case, watched, but the final buzzer only made us question what all the fuss was about. The Celtics played their classic “get a big lead then blow it by the fourth quarter, only to hit clutch shots and finish the game with a win.” Lebron’s team played their usual “Lebron is on the court, so I’m not sure whether I should ever take a shot, but we don’t run an offense, so maybe when I get the ball I can do it?” So we were left with nothing but answers, which isn’t a bad thing since this was only game one. Plus, the next night, the Celtics went out and lost to the Lebron-less Cavaliers, and the Heat won by 10 on the road. With both teams tied in the standings at 1-1, this whole blog post has been rendered pointless. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to deal with it because it took me a while to write and I’m not deleting it. Hopefully you laughed once.

In case you didn’t, here’s Danneel Harris, of One Tree Hill fame. Not that I’ve ever seen her on there…

Mmm, look at those... scoops!

Stay tuned…

iPad Sucks, Apple Stock Drops, Steve Jobs Pissed

Two weeks back, I was sitting on a bus from New York City watching a movie on my MacBook. I just finished listening to some music on my iPod, but decided District 9 would be a better way to buy some time amidst the odd characters you find on a bus to or from New York at any time. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hipster making odd hand motions in his lap. Up and down with speed. Sweeping hand flourish to the right. “WTF is this guy doing? Conducting an orchestra in his head?” I asked myself. Then it hit me. He’s no musically gifted Juilliard student taking a bus to Brown to visit some of his fellow hipsters, and maybe even take in a Peter, Bjorn and John concert (yes I just googled “bands hipsters like”). He was a potentially ordinary hipster playing on his iPad! Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good hipster. Skinny jeans, American Spirits hanging out the back pocket, “Chucks”, Zooey Deschanel, fixed-gear bikes, girls with bicep/tricep tattoos. It’s a truly unique movement. Unfortunately, it’s one of the few movements to also adopt the iPad as its own.

Naturally, hipsters like Apple products. Apple is trendy, against the grain, and has a niche following. Unfortunately for hipsters, their secret is out. Everyone jumped on the Apple gravy train: savvy investors wanted a piece of the stock, savvy pre-pubescent girls wanted to listen to Justin Bieber all day, so they got iPods, savvy college students like myself conned their parents into getting them a Mac “because they totally don’t get viruses on college networks.” Soon enough, American society decided if you didn’t have the newest Apple products, you sucked and were poor.

If sucking and being poor weren't enough, if you don't buy a Mac, you are probably ugly, too, America!

God knows, Americans would rather actually be poor and in debt than have people think they were poor. How do you think our economic crisis started? Maxed out credit cards from idiots buying products like MacBook Pros they couldn’t afford, that’s how! I’m not saying Apple is the reason for the economic collapse of America, but I mean, in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon sense, they are. Throughout all this, one nerd supplanted Bill Gates as the coolest nerd in America. Only this new guy was also an asshole. This character trait catapulted him to cult hero status. No one can rally around a nice guy, but an asshole? He will lead a company to greatness. Steve Jobs did just that. Apple is worth 100 times more now, than in 2003. 100 times. 57 million to 5.7 billion. To better understand that, picture 2003 Apple being Maggie Gyllenhall, and 2010 Apple being Emmanuelle Chriqui. That’s what 100 times better LOOKS like.

AHHH!

Uggogh...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last spring when Jobs debuted his much-anticipated iPad, the cross between a laptop and an iPod, the world waited for his geekiness to amaze, once again. The only problem was, the iPad kind of sucked. Basically, if you had an iPod, and a laptop, the only thing the iPad offered was being a cool “reader.” Since we all learned back in 4th grade that reading isn’t cool, the iPad, in turn, became lame. But, it must have a nice camera, right? Wrong. No camera at all. Well, then it has free Wifi, right? Wrong. You pay for an add on. So it must support Flash player to watch stuff like Hulu, right? Wrong. No Family Guy re-runs for you. So you’re telling me all it does is download books and newspapers better than my computer, iPod, or phone? Basically. Oh yeah, it plays games. But what kind of n00b isn’t rocking a headset playing some COD, Halo or Madden? Tetris is for hipsters.

So guess who has decided to adopt the iPad as their cool device? You nailed it. Hipsters. And some rich people who flaunt their money by buying toys they don’t need. But mostly, those cutting edge hipsters. Now, the iPad is faced with an identity crisis. Sure, they invented the first relatively cool reader gadget thingy. But no one REALLY needs it. Plus, a kindle is about 500 bucks cheaper. Apple’s problem is that everyone bought their laptops and iPods and kind of yawned at something in the middle. Go big (or super portable) or go home!

Amidst all this mediocrity, Steve Jobs is pissed. When stocks fell earlier this week after a weaker than expected iPad sales number, Jobs lashed out to anybody who’d listen. Which meant millions of people listened. Basically, he took a verbal dump on every other tech company, blasting Blackberry’s maker RIM for getting outsold in phones and never being able to catch up now, and telling Google to sit on it, just because he can. But that won’t change the fact that his newest baby, the iPad, is sort of lame.

The good news? Steve Jobs saying anything is worth millions. When you’re worth Emmanuelle Chriqui dollars, and you make fun of other companies, and you are a supremely confident asshole, millions of people decide they want to bet on you. The next day, Apple’s stock was above the original price before the dip. Stuff like that makes America want an iPad again. Because, we all just want to have the coolest shit, and we may not NEED an iPad, but it’s sort of cool in a lame sense. Plus, Steve Jobs said to buy one!

In conclusion, this blog has a new goal. Make as much money being an asshole and saying things as Steve Jobs. It just won’t get typed on an iPad. Because I’ve talked to people who try typing on one and it looks like Hellen Keller’s early works.

Until then, here’s a little more Emmanuelle. Stay tuned…

Who needs 57 Billion? I just want her...

The SmorgasBlog

The jigga whatttt, Colt? That’s right, today, I’ve got too much absurd stuff to drop lines on. So, I’m combining these smaller blog ideas into one, all you can eat, smorgasblog. Today’s topics range from the newest celebrity babies, to “wear purple day,” to the newest American Political Party. I may or may not even lust over Rosie Jones.

Who? This chick below…and you knew whether I actually lusted over her the rest of the smorgasblog, you were getting to see the goods.

I read her bio and flinched at “Born in 1990…” Once I did the math, it was love.

Without further ado… THE SMORGASBLOG! (Numbered for no reason of importance)

1- Move Over, Suri Cruise

It’s official. After some unconfirmed and completely made up tales of pregnancy, reports today verified that Beyonce is carrying the fruit of Jay Z’s loins. I honestly never thought I’d write “the fruit of Jay Z’s loins” in a serious sentence, so what just happened was pretty neat for me, personally. Anyway, Hov’s loin fruit decided to get all up inside Beyonce’s egg loins and they mixed up a pre-natal celeb-baby.  Presently residing underneath Beyonce’s now-perfectly toned abdomen, but soon-to-be covered in cocoa butter baby bump, the little, currently genderless embryo, will eventually be rocking fresh baby Jordans, khakis with a cuff and a crease, and a crisp Rocawear button-up. (That sentence had a ton of commas. I’m not positive if it’s grammatically correct, but it seemed to read okay upon second look). Unless it becomes a chick. In which case she may be dressed in a flashy onesie… like this…

Will Gaga be the Godmother? Not if this baby wants a chance in life.

The only other question remaining is how soon this child will be turned into a musical icon. Rev Run’s son is rapping up a storm (not the older son who thought he could rap but sucked, the little one who actually can rap). Will Smith’s daughter, Willow, is like six (editor’s note: she’s 9) and already has a hit single called “Whip My Hair.” Which is musical proof that a celebrity’s child can essentially burp, vomit and poop into a microphone, and producers will mix in a hook and beat to make it a top-ten iTunes download. So, the sky is the limit for the child of two music legends like Jay and B.

Sidenote: That’s the last time I’m referencing either Jay-Z or Beyonce in this blog, so I went with “Jay” and “B” just to sound cool. It’s like when one of those super white hipster MTV VJs morph into Eminem’s cousin when a rapper comes on for an interview. Suddenly, they are saying stuff like, “Fo sho, Drake, that latest track about being right above it was tighttttt. Like, you straight murdered those lyrics and left them for dead. I didn’t know you were about to get up in it like THAT.” Followed by Drake laughing in said VJs face and mumbling to himself  “this crazy ass white boi right here.”

This pictoral blog break brought to you by Rosie Jones, again.

I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of Rosie in this SmorgasBlog. Because the writing is average at worst.

2. Wear Purple Day

If you’re reading this on… (seriously, who knows the date nowadays, it seems so inconsequential. Wait, maybe that’s only for us underemployed) hold on let me check… October 20th, 2010 then you may or may not be wearing purple. You almost may or may not have heard that today if you wore purple, you were supporting teens struggling with homosexuality, or you were a homosexual. Right about now, you could have some extremely mixed feelings. Don’t worry I’m here to help with this quick breakdown of what your outfit today meant.

IF YOU WORE PURPLE TODAY

1- And knew about “Wear Purple Day”

You = supporter of, or actually are, homosexual.

2- And did not know about “Wear Purple Day”

You = accepted by the Gay community. Unfortunately, many people may have come to some assumptions about you that are not warranted. If people of your same sex were being particularly confrontational/happy, they probably mistook you for gay. Kind of like how Ryan Seacrest feels every day.

IF YOU DID NOT WEAR PURPLE TODAY:

1- And knew about “Wear Purple Day”

You= Disapproved of by the gay/friends of gay community. You may just be a straight male who simply doesn’t own a purple shirt, because, well, you’re a straight male. Or, you felt as though wearing a rainbow colored shirt would be more cause-appropriate.

2- And did not know about “Wear Purple Day”

You= Disapproved of by the gay/friends of gay community, even though you may or may not have worn purple had you known about the day.

I know! This whole day seems like a mess of ambiguity and unless proper “Wear Purple Day”s are coordinated in the future, I think the gay community should stick to their ostentatious parades that leave no doubt as to who is gay, and who supports the gays.

 

If anyone could straighten things out, Rosie could. That pun may or may not have been intended.

3- The Rent is Too Damn High Party

No, seriously. I’m going to let Jimmy McMillan present his parties platform to you in person.

Aside from the fact that this guy is obviously insane, lies the inconvenient fact that Jimmy McMillan does not pay rent. Back in the 80s he stopped paying his landlord for his 800-a-month flat in exchange for doing handiwork around the landlords property. Clearly, this hurts some of the credibility Jimmy has in his plight to run as the people’s candidate. It’s the sort of ironic combination that occurs only in America. Like how Carrot Top is a “Comedian,” or Adrian Grenier is an “Actor.”

4- The Newest Big D Nuts Girl

Only in the UK! Just when we thought Carls Jr. commercials with babes in bikinis washing cars was bad… Big D Nuts of the UK brings us… you guessed it… ROSIE JONES! The woman who has guided you through your first Smorgasblog is actually the latest model for the British company that offers, “the nation’s best loved pub snack. Big D offers cheeky nut treats for anyone who is nuts about snacking!” You have to respect a company that has combined their product, with their name so symbiotically. What “Big D Nuts Guy” wouldn’t love this girl?

You guessed it... you can find her topless on Google.

Well that sure was fun. The SmorgasBlog will probably appear in the Revolver in the future. Rosie probably will, too. Thanks for reading. Stay tuned…

The United Chile of America: Miracle at the Mine

They’re all safe! Yesterday, a billion people and I watched a bunch of dirty dudes with dirtier mustaches climb out of a tiny hole. 70 days ago, I read a story about the Chilean mine that collapsed and trapped 33 men more than 2,000 feet under a desert were they were thought to be dead. My first thought after typing that sentence is, “desert spelled with one s, because you don’t go back for seconds, it’s not ice cream or cake!” My second thought is, “how in the name of Minka Kelly’s holy body are these dudes alive?!” Sure enough, the mainstream media told me and those billion people that they are alive because Chile’s government is AWESOMEEE with all caps! You guessed it, welcome to my first politically-charged blog post.  But first… Minka…

Yeah, she's been named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive... so you should probably google her!

You see, Chile has been lauded by all the pundits since they “asked for help from anyone who would give it” in an effort to save these guys. Must be nice. When a disaster happens in the U-S of effin A, nobody flinches. Sure, England and Canada and some of the other white guys who speak funny types of English give us the obligatory “aid,” but at the end of the day, we’re on our own. Would I want it any other way? Absolutely not.

Actual depiction of Chilean Space Program.

Would Chile? Absolutely. Do we really need to applaud a country that has contributed very little to the rest of the world (not even CHILI! Their namesake)? What did these people expect the Chilean government to do? Consult their own non-existent space program? Have their own imaginary rocket scientists create a dietary plan that would keep these hombres alive? Use their own stone-age technology to create the drill bit that would dig the retrieval tunnel? Have their own highly skilled drill-man be the muchacho who guided the drill half a mile into this potential tomb? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Obviously, you know who did all of those things for Chile. There’s the Pennsylvania company that had the specialty drill (which used hammering and air-removal rather than a corkscrew drill process, that risked burying these men) within two days of the original collapse. There’s the Kansas company that devised the plan to retrieve the men. There’s the one-ton, 21” wide pod NASA created to bring these guys up. There’s the American, specialty drillman, brought in from a mission in Afghanistan to conduct the drilling itself. So naturally, after all of this, people had to bash the United States for not being able to respond quickly enough to Hurricane Katrina, or the BP Oil Spill. Let’s briefly compare the three:

Hurricane Katrina: Massive hurricane that has rarely been seen before thrashes an entire region of one of the most populated countries on earth. People die. People are hungry. Millions go homeless. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Inept fools!

BP Oil Spill: Massive oil spill that has rarely been seen before leaves a pipe gushing oil over a mile underwater. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Ignorant idiots!

San Jose Mine Collapse: 33 Guys are trapped in a hole underground. We know where they are. We are able to keep them alive with food. We need to figure out how to dig a hole and get them. US essentially figures out how. Chile is genius.

That’s right, we walked on the freaking Moon! Do we really need to measure manhood with Chile??

Clearly, there’s a double-standard here. I don’t need to go on. But I will, because another awesome thing came about. Normally, watching a bunch of guys who look exactly alike come out of a hole one-by-one, an hour at a time, isn’t great television. In this case, it was oddly mesmerizing. Along the way, some amazing stories came out of the woodwork about America saving these hombres from humble backgrounds. Here are my favorites:

Edison Pena: “The fittest of all the miners” according to one report, he ran 10 kilometers a day. Now, since I’m American I don’t know WTF a kilometer is, but it must be a lot since it made him the most fit of all these dudes. Seems kind of counter-intuitive to run an ass-ton every day while trying to survive in an 85 degree hole for over two months, but I digress. Edison also claims Elvis kept him alive when helpers were able to send down some of “The Kings”greatest tracks. He earned himself an all-expense paid trip to Graceland! Guess where Elvis is from, bitches?!

Mario Sepulveda: Did his best Terrell Owens impression upon reaching land. Running

SIGN THOSE THINGS, MARIO!!!

around, pumping up the crowd and high-fiving anything with a hand. All that was missing in his celebration dance was a sharpie being pulled from his sock and signing one of the onlooking, obese Chilean women’s breasts, followed by a 15-yard excessive celebration penalty from Ed Hochuli. You cannot tell me Mario hasn’t been inspired by “the land of the free” with his ostentatious display of grandeur. After all, no one does ostentatious displays of grandeur better than us. Can you say, “Fourth of July!?”

Esteban Rojas: This poor sap actually proposed to his wife before going to work on the mine, only to have her answer, “No, why?” Umm, I don’t know, to profess undying love and a bond through all of eternity? Anyway, once he got trapped underground, and she found out a rescue mission was underway, SHE DECIDED TO SAY YES! If you can find me anything more American than a gold-digging bitch toying with a vulnerable man, I’ll eat a crepe and wear a fedora.

CRAP! I FOUND SOMETHING! Oh wait, you didn’t find it, so I don’t have to do any of that flaming Euro garbage I just mentioned.

Yonni Barrios: The true definition of a man with American values, this crazy bastard invited both his wife AND his mistress to greet him upon leaving the mine. The wife said she had too much pride to show up knowing he invited his bang-on-the-side. Thankfully, the mistress was there, in all her beautiful obesity. So Yonni went 1-2 with a double. As so often happens in our great country, the sidepiece proves more loyal than the main squeeze. If Yonni’s not as American as apple pie… I don’t know what is.

Speaking of pie. Did anyone notice the size of every Chilean woman looking on in the crowd? Can we get a recount on the most obese country? Literally not one Chilean woman would be able to shop anywhere in the USA besides Lane Bryant and the maternity ward. Apparently, all the talent in South America ended up in Brazil. The rest of the continent is filled with chubbos who pound rice, beans and beef for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Due to a self-imposed ban on ugly chicks showing up on my blog... I give you Gisele, in all her oiled up glory.

After reading this blog, you’re probably not sure how to feel. I asked my sister if I should blog about Chile today and she gave me the “out of toilet paper” look and questioned whether it was too soon. Obviously, upon observing her initial reaction, I had to do it. Nothing bad happened. This meant it was open season on making fun of Chilean porn stashes and the gargantuan women they so easily seduce. Just know one thing, the “miracle at the mine” was only made possible because of one thing: a drill stamped MADE IN THE USA.

 

 

Hot Chicks and QBs: The American Dream

You knew it would happen soon enough. With the regularity of athlete and celebrity cellphone dong shots on the rise faster than our national debt, it simply became a matter of when. Earlier this week, the media finally reported the story that broke in late August, but nobody seemed to want to cover. Back in 2008, Brett Favre had one of those tingly feelings 4th grade boys get during PG-13 sex scenes and decided to take action. After some desperate voicemails, the rocket-armed QB decided to put his thumbs to the test. While the then-Jets star was rocking out with his cockpit out, Favre fired off a barrage of cell phone shots. Aside from the national embarrassment of having millions of people know that Brett is manning a single-engine Cessna, rather than a 747, he is now dealing with a potential family-ruining scandal similar to Tiger Woods (without all the blonde pornstars).

 

"I can't bare to read the rest of the blog. Go easy on me, Colt."

 

Thankfully, the story only gets better. Back in 2005, I was a hopeful sports broadcaster watching a FSU football game during my freshman year of college. While the cameras panned frenzied fans, it settled on a brunette in a cowboy hat and maroon bikini top. Brent Musberger, the announcer at the time calmly announced “1500 red-blooded Americans just decided to apply to Florida State.” Check out the video, here.

Brent was absolutely wrong. 1500 was far too conservative an estimate of how many red-blooded American boys (and by red-blooded, I think Brent meant fully-aroused) applied to FSU that fall because of Sterger. Had this game been a year earlier, I would have undoubtedly done the same. Life dreams could wait as long as I got to attend sporting events with girls dressed like that! Sure enough, the wonders of the internet made the girl a complete sensation. Jenn Sterger, as we came to find out her name, parlayed her brief cameo on national television into being the best thing on the internet since “David Goes to the Dentist”. Because this is America, she easily transitioned from “hot chick” to “famous hot chick since her boobs were hanging out during a sporting event.” Playboy spread, CHECK. Maxim spread, CHECK. Job working for the New York Jets as the in-stadium announcer, CHECK. Getting cell phone pictures of arguably the NFL’s greatest Quarterback’s “short post, double hook ins” CHECK.

 

Google Images only brings up about a million pictures of her. This is just my favorite.

 

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have written about this if Sterger wasn’t involved. Brett Favre, on his own, sucks. His shaft shots are even worse. But then Sterger gets involved and makes this a legitimately amazing story. You almost can’t blame Favre. Here’s a girl who dressed up like a stripper about to hit the stage for college football games. Why wouldn’t she want to hook up with a multi-millionaire and one of the biggest names in the NFL? Well, because sometimes, in the rarest Haley’s Comet-style scenarios, girls who seem to be whores, are really just teases who pride themselves on blue-balling guys. In this case, that guy was the NFL’s all-time leader in yards, touchdowns and retirements. Sure, she could have hooked up with him and kept it a secret, but she’s an attention craving smokeshow who is still trying desperately to make a career out of being just that. Banging Brett Favre would have been a good story to tell friends, but it wouldn’t throw her back in the national spotlight.

 

 

::Obligatory Jenn Sterger Picture::

 

Now, there’s just a BP sized mess left to be cleaned up. Favre is married with kids. Sterger is single and retardedly hot. Favre might get suspended by his employer, the NFL. We don’t care who Sterger’s employer is, because she’s so hot. Favre will probably get divorced. Sterger will probably marry for money. Favre could use an implant. Sterger already has two big ones. The parallels could not be more polar. Thankfully, there’s one thing everyone can agree upon. This whole story reeks of the American dream. Little girls everywhere dream of becoming famous because they are hot and bring almost nothing else to the table. Little boys dream of becoming the star quarterback and pulling the smoking hot girls cheering them on. Thankfully, through the wonders of technology, and creepy sexting, these budding relationships can be turned into tabloid stories for the rest of eternity. When they do, we’ll always remember the Favre-Sterger tale. Okay, maybe not. But we’ll always remember Jenn Sterger: that smoking hot piece of tail.

 

 

You can find her naked through Google Images... you know, if you're into that sort of thing...

 

The End of a Supafreak

I woke up and my phone was already buzzing. After going to bed hearing about the Randy Moss rumors, my stomach dropped. “He’s gone” I said to myself. The man who once told a reporter that rich people don’t write checks, they pay in “straight cash, homie,” the man whose self-proclaimed nickaname of “Supafreak” said in twanged West Virginian-accent, is gone.

This image has been Patriots fans Mona Lisa, since 2007. Now, we look to Danny Woodhead for salvation.

Sure enough, friends were lining up to do their best Adam Schefter and break the news that Moss had been traded back to his original team, the Vikings, for a third-round pick. Yes, the greatest wide receiver of all-time not named Jerry Rice, just got traded for a third-round pick. Tom Brady now has a bunch of little white athletic guys to throw the ball to. In case you weren’t sure, having a bunch of little white guys to throw the ball to in a sport dominated by enormous athletic guys isn’t the best thing to have.

The silver lining is supposed to be that now, in this year’s draft, the Patriots will have two picks in rounds 1-3. Unfortunately, this forced me to do some research to make sure my first thought was right. “Wait, since we won our last super bowl, have we even drafted anyone in rounds 1-3 who has become a star for the team?”  Depending on your definition of “star” the answer is a resounding, no. The part that is especially sickening is the type of talent available in the 3^rd round, which is the pick we’ve acquired for Moss.

From 2005-2009 our lists of guys drafted in round 1-3 looks like this:

2005:

Logan Mankins- OG (Rd1): Became a semi-star, and since he did, we’ve obviously refused to give him a contract extension. Now, the team hasn’t spoken to Mankins since the season began and his career is over in New England. Thanks for the 5 years, Logan.

Ellis Hobbs- DB (Rd3): In 2007, We got to see the back of his jersey as he chased down a wide open Plaxico Burress in the end zone for the go-ahead TD in the Super Bowl that ruined the perfect season. I hate you, Ellis Hobbs. That play marked the downturn in my life I have still not recovered from. At least he’s off the team.

Nick Kaczur- OG (Rd3) Serviceable offensive lineman. Not quite Randy Moss. There’s always next year.

2006:

Laurence Maroney- RB (Rd 1) Do I even need to comment on this tap-dancing, dreadlocked loser who became the master of falling backwards at the end of runs as opposed to falling forward for an extra yard. He got traded earlier this season for basically nothing. The only good news is he’s still the same runner in Denver as he was here. Google “waste of a first-rounder” and you get Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, and Laurence Maroney.

Chad Jackson- WR (Rd 2) We traded up for this guy in 2006. In 2007, I was at a college Holiday Date party and he was there with one of the girls. Needless to say, he was off the team by 2008. When I am at a college holiday date party with your second round draft pick, you probably messed up that pick. (Side note: I may or may not have had too much egg nog and questioned why Chad had yet to make any type of impact with the team, and how it was even possible he was out at this party on a Saturday night before the teams game the next day.

Dave Thomas- TE (Rd 3) Not the owner of Wendy’s, who may have been a better choice since he probably would have re-signed Randy Moss. This Dave Thomas played a couple forgetful seasons before being traded and winning a Super Bowl with the Saints. I have seen Baconators do worse damage to men than this guy on a football field.

2007:

Brandon Meriweather- SS (Rd 1) One of the only true playmakers on the team actually made the Pro Bowl last season. Unfortunately, the guy who was red-flagged coming out of college for being one of the Miami players caught stomping on the legs of FIU players during a brawl, has regressed. He has already been benched for parts of the 2010 season for inconsistent play. One big bonus to having Meriweather on your team: he is loyal. Aside from the stomping, he carried red-flags coming into the league because he also carried handguns. Back in college, he defended one of his teammates by firing that handgun at a group of men. If only guns were allowed on the field, Meriweather wouldn’t be so damn inconsistent.

No Other picks between rounds 2-3 because the Pats were trading away towards the future… more on that later.

2008:

Jerod Mayo- MLB (Rd 1): The best player on our defense, he has panned out. Unfortunately, he’s also the highest draft pick we’ve had since 2005, so him panning out had a better chance than every other guy. With that said, he didn’t even have a great year in 2009, but is looking better this year. Still, he’s no Ray Lewis in the middle of our defense.

Terrence Wheatley DB (Rd 2): Has basically done nothing with the Patriots. This waste of a second rounder has forced the team to draft two more cornerbacks since in hopes of filling his role with a good player, as opposed to the type of player Wheatley is.

Shawn Crable- OLB (Rd 3): See above description. This guy almost makes Wheatley look effective, because at least he’s available to get on the field and mess things up. Crable, on the other hand, is always hurt and doesn’t even get on the field to show off his mediocre talents.

Kevin O’Connell QB (Rd 3): Swing and a miss! O’Connell was traded the next year because he apparently couldn’t figure out how to be a Quarterback. I’m pretty sure that may have been the official statement by the team on why he was dealt, but don’t quote me on that.

2009:

Pat Chung- DB (Rd 2): Before everybody was hanging Chung Monday night with his epic performance, nobody knew much about this guy. He flies around the field and hits like a missile, but he’s usually diving at the end of plays and not making them. Let’s hope Monday night was really his coming out party and not an anomaly, because I’d love to hang Chung a long more.

Ron Brace- DL (Rd 2): Has yet to make any type of impact. However, he did miss most of training camp this year because he couldn’t pass his conditioning test. Honestly, my most rigorous workout the past five years has been a power hour, and I think given 6 months of off-season to prepare, I could pass an NFL team’s conditioning test. It’s usually like 8 sprints of 40 yards with 15 seconds in between each. It shouldn’t surprise you he’s from BC, because as we all know, BC sucks.

Darius Butler- DB (Rd2): Everyone was excited about this guy when he became a starter to begin 2010. Everyone got way less excited when he got beaten worse than a red-headed stepchild by opposing wideouts and he no longer starts. There’s still a chance he makes it, though it seems unlikely based on the other guys I’ve discussed in this blog.

Sebastian Vollmer- OT (Rd 2): Big Sea Bass actually might be the fourth best draft pick from all the ones I’ve covered. He has anchored the right side of the line and seems ready to take over Matt Light’s left, blind side soon. But, he’s still prone to getting beaten by quicker defensive ends and is definitely no cornerstone player.

Brandon Tate- WR (Rd 3): The feel-good story because the kid blew out every ligament he has connected to any part of either knee within two years. Tate has already returned two kickoffs for touchdowns this year, and with Moss gone, the team might be relying on him to step in. Good luck, Brandon. You only have to fill in for the greatest deep-threat wide receiver to ever play a game of football.

Tyrone McKenzie OLB (Rd 3): Remember Shawn Crable from 2008? Me either, but this guy is worse. Enough said.

So there you have it. Pretty sobering list, huh? Obviously, I’ve been on facebook since

"Ohhhh crap, what did we just do?"

the trade came out and I saw a few statuses that got me upset. “No big deal, in Bill we trust.” Really? The guy who made all these draft picks the past 5 years is who you trust, now?! Don’t get me wrong, Belichick is probably the best coach in the league, but I can’t help but wonder if his downfall will be that of every great Greek hero: hubris. “Wait, Colt, WTF is hubris?!” Well, it is quite simply the trait of excessive pride. Maybe Belichick can’t stand other people getting credit for his work. Maybe that’s why there isn’t an officially titled Defensive or Offensive Coordinator this season on the Patriots. There is simply “Head Coach- Bill Belichick” followed by a bunch of positional assistants.

Randy Moss has never had the best attitude. The locker room chemistry came into doubt last season as the team crumbled in a first round playoff loss to the Ravens. Moss just went reception-less for the first time in his Patriots career this past Monday night. What an ill-fitting way for the most talented receiver to ever put a Patriots jersey on, to end his career. Moss should be remembered for two things in my eyes. The record breaking season he put together with Brady in his first year with the team was a thing of beauty, and the one-handed bomb he caught after burning Darrelle Revis. Because, no matter who we draft with all these picks this year, nobody will ever be like Randy Moss again.

I hope you know what you’re doing, Bill, but that doesn’t mean I have to trust you.