Archive for November, 2011

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Patriots 38, Eagles 21 (Embarrassed, mostly)

November 29, 2011

Belichick just consistently winning.

Going into this game, you had to like New England’s chances no matter
who started at Quarterback  for the Eagles. One guy literally ran a
dogfighting ring in his backyard, while the other quit on his team
last year, and nearly required an Amber alert when nobody could find
him, and friends thought him to be suicidal. In the old 50/50
psychopath coin flip, the Patriots landed on Vince Young. For the
record, we have a QB who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic (if you’re not
familiar with the test, think one of those annoying internet IQ pop up
ads, for a 4th grader) versus Bill Belichick… arguably the greatest
football mind, ever. This was like Ken Jennings going up against that
supercomputer, Watson, and not even being able to buzz in because it’s
so rigged. Yes, that’s the first and last time Vince Young is Ken
Jennings in any analogy.

Two plays after thinking that, Vince obviously lobbed a 60 yard tear
drop from God himself onto the fingertips of Riley Cooper to set up
the Eagles first touchdown of the day.

After the opening drive stalled on third down by the Pats, it got me
thinking, “Didn’t we use to score a touchdown on opening drives like,
all the time?” Then I thought, “Do we ever do that any more?!” Sure
enough, the Patriots have not scored a touchdown on their opening
drive of the game since week 4 against Oakland (9 plays, 80 yards).
Since then, the Pats have only scored two touchdowns in all the first
quarters of all their games. The 2011 Patriots offense is the 2007
Patriots offense, with a new ignition. Once it gets going, it can
still hum like the old Ferrari in the garage, you just have to worry
that early deficits catch up to this team in the playoffs.

Dan Dierdorff kept describing hits on Brady as, “paying the price for
delivering that throw,” while replays showed Tom being wrapped up and
gently laid upon the grass. Color commentators nowadays love
galvanizing any player/play as games go along. Has Roger Goodell taken
his fuhrer status to the level of spreading the propaganda that no
matter what happens on a football field, it is exciting and
hard-hitting? I’m also tired of hearing how every punk in the league
has matured and truly loves the game. Vince Young apparently did this
over the off-season.

The offside/false start debate has gotten out of control. Philadelphia
dove onto an unhiked ball and it took a minute for the refs to sort
out the penalty. Do these refs really forget why they threw the flag
just because one team is pointing at the other guy?

Benjarvus Green-Ellis is the anti-Maroney if I’ve ever seen it. He
never loses yards, and almost always puts his head down and gets his 4
yards, as evidenced on the Patriots first TD drive capped by, you
guessed it a 4 yard TD run. Sorry about the 4 yard repetitiveness, but
CBS also flashed Benjarvus’ game stats after the drive: 10 rushes for
41 yards. Yup, a 4.1 yard per carry average. On the season, he’s at
3.9 yards per carry, and for his career he currently sits at 4.1.
Sure, he rarely breaks a big run, but with the Patriots passing game
the offense only needs consistency on the ground.

In the second quarter, some dude named Tiquan Underwood, who we signed
because Ochozero was inactive, dropped a wide open touchdown. He
apparently plays football professionally, and somehow smiled his way
back to the huddle. Which is interesting, because I doubt he smiles
when he finds the pink slip in his locker this week.

On the very next play Brady slid in the pocket, directed Branch
mid-route, and hit him along the sidelines uncovered, to walk in for
the touchdown… only it’s not 2004, and Deion Branch now rumbles down
the sidelines like Vince Wilfork trapped in a skinny wide receiver’s
body, so he cuts and trucks and falls to the one yard line.
Thankfully, Benjarvus strolled into the end zone on the next play,
hurting his 4 yard-per-carry average, but getting him a touchdown.

After a sideline interception, New England drove downfield only to
have a long third down pass go through Wes Welker’s hands. This led to
a 39 yard FG for Gostkowski, which he promptly pushed wide, leading to
a Tom Brady sideline triple-swear consisting of the one that rhymes
with hit, followed by a double F-bomb. Stephen Gostkowski has become
the Jonathan Papelbon of the Patriots. If your heart isn’t in your
throat every time he comes on the field (including PATs) you’ve got
better blood pressure than me.

Tom and Wes made their third TD drive much easier… Brady play action,
Welker undresses a cornerback, wide open touchdown strike. Nnamdi
Asomugha may have been hampered by injury, and mostly used to cover
Gronkowski underneath, but the Eagles secondary somehow managed to
look worse than the Patriots in this game.

Vince Young marched Philly right down field before the halftime
two-minute warning, gouging the Patriots secondary with the same exact
play four times in the drive. Yet, in classic Belichick
bend-but-don’t-break fashion, DeSean Jackson had a wide open touchdown
go off his hands because he had T-Rex arms anticipating a big hit. One
obvious about Jackson (and the reason he didn’t get a huge contract in
the off-season) he’s unreal in the open field, but he’s a different
player going across the middle. He also ended up getting benched in
the fourth quarter because of plays like this.

For all their troubles on opening drives of the game, the Patriots
were surgical driving downfield to open the half. Brady moved so
quickly down field one of the Eagles D-Linemen went down with a calf
cramp. To me, this is always one of the funniest sights on a football
field: a 300 pound man crippled by a calf cramp and tapping the muscle
as his leg flails out, unbending from pain as he screams for, “The
little white dude who rubs these things out!”

The second half turned into such a boring blowout that Gronk forgot to
be excited on his fourth quarter touchdown. After nonchalantly walking
towards teammates, it looked like someone had to remind him about his
signature spike.

Losing yesterday and dropping to 4-7 ended any hope the Eagles had at
the playoffs. After beating the rival Giants last week, it was
shocking how quickly the team quit yesterday. Andy Reid has earned the
right after 13 yearsto walk away from this mess of a team after the
season.

New England will be hard-pressed to lose a game the rest of the
season. These next five weeks against Indianapolis, Washington,
Denver, Miami, Buffalo and the Sisters of the Poor should be spent
getting healthy, fine-tuning the offensive problems early, and the
secondary problems always.

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The Five Most Disturbing Things about the Sandusky Scandal

November 17, 2011

It’s the age-old tale: Man makes millions of dollars and gets famous playing and coaching football. Man starts charity for underprivileged youths. Man takes youths to his team’s games while charity thrives. Man ends up showering and sodomizing little boys. Man gets caught in the act and nobody tells anybody.  WHADDAFUHH!?! Unless you’re dating Kate Upton and haven’t seen the light of day in the past week, you know about Jerry Sandusky and the pedophile scandal at Penn St.

This is a tough blog for me to write, for a handful of reasons: not the least of which is how uncomfortable pedophiles make me, 99.9% of humans and every prisoner in a maximum security prison. First and foremost, I generally try not to touch stories about little boys with a ten foot pole, unlike Jerry Sandusky who thoroughly enjoyed touching, hugging, showering and “horsing around” with them (editor’s note: from here on out, pedophile sex will just be known as “horsing around” because it is the favorite term of the Sandusky defense). More importantly, I try not to make light of stories that have literally destroyed the lives of millions of people apart from just the victims in the Sandusky case. However, this is the biggest story in sports, possibly ever, and I’m going to weigh in. I’ll be taking excerpts from the Grand Jury report and compiling them into the FIVE most disturbing aspects of this whole case. I’ll try breaking up these horrific acts with girls in bikinis, because lord knows we’ll be needing them.

If you have no idea about this story, and it's because of Kate, you're excused.

NUMBER 1. “It was about 9:30 p.m. As the graduate assistant entered the locker room doors, he was surprised to find the lights and showers on. He then heard rhythmic, slapping sounds. He believed the sounds to be those of sexual activity… He saw a naked boy, Victim 2, whose age he estimated to be ten years old, with his hands up against the wall, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky.”

Now, I wish I could tell you the report goes on to say that the 28 year old graduate assistant, Mike McQueary, a former player for Penn St., proceeded to sprint into the shower, pull the old man (posterizing a child against the wall) to the ground and beat him beyond recognition with a blunt object… but I can’t. McQueary instead went to his office and called his father, like a child. Now, I wish I could tell you his father gave him the advice to run back into the shower, pull the old man (posterizing a child against the wall) to the ground and stab him in the jugular with a pen from his office… but I cant. McQueary’s father ordered him to come home and talk, then decided he should tell his work superior, Joe Paterno. If this response isn’t almost as disturbing to you as the rape of a child, you’re most likely Mike McQueary.

There’s two kinds of evil in this world: those who do evil, and those who witness it and do nothing, to paraphrase Albert Einstein. Hopefully, you or I never have to witness this sickening act (I now shutter at the sound of a mild game of Patty Cake after hearing Sandusky’s sex described as “rhythmic, slapping sounds”), but if we do, more importantly, we wouldn’t run away, call our daddy, drive home, and decide to call our boss. Is that even real life?! You’re a grown ass man and you let the boy get raped, run home to your dad and don’t even call the police?! McQueary should be sent to jail just so he could experience what Victim 2 did, with people witnessing it and no one coming to his aid. I might pass out and I just got started… here’s a girl in a bikini…

Thank you, Brooklyn.

NUMBER 2. “Curley specifically denied that the graduate assistant reported anal sex or anything of a sexual nature whatsoever and termed the conduct as merely “horsing around…”

Penn St. Athletic Director Tim Curley, ladies and gentlemen! He obviously read the intro to this blog, and knew that “horsing around” met sodomizing a child. Or, back when he used it, the term simply covered his ass. I don’t know about you, but “horsing around'” is what two 10 year olds might do during recess, not what a 60 year old wrinkly man does in the shower with a 10 year old boy. Let’s meet our next winner in the Penn St. administration…

 “Schultz testified that the allegations were “not that serious” and that he and Curley “had no indication that a crime had occurred.” Schultz agreed that sodomy between Sandusky and a child would clearly be inappropriate sexual conduct… Although Schultz oversaw the University Police as part of his position, he never reported the 2002 incident to the University Police or other police agency…”

Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz, everybody!!! Thank goodness, someone at Penn St. has finally been questioned enough by now to CONCEDE the point that sodomy would be INAPPROPRIATE. How about sick? Disgusting? Vile? Heinous? CRIMINAL? Meh, no need to get the police involved in THAT.

“Graham Spanier testified… described it as “Jerry Sandusky in the football building locker area in the shower with a younger child and that they were horsing around in the shower… Spanier denied that it was reported to him as an incident that was sexual in nature…”

Last but certainly not least, Penn State’s President, Mr. Graham Spanier, folks!!! This guy is so brilliant, so esteemed, and well regarded as to run a university with over a billion dollar endowment. So naturally, when he got a report of a guy “horsing around” in a shower with a little boy, it was not reported as sexual in nature. WHERE AM I?! I swear I know people from Pennsylvania and they never once described pedophilia in a shower as “horseplay.” Sure, I’ve never once discussed pedophilia in a shower with someone from Pennsylvania, but I don’t think that’s the point. Every last one of these officials deserves to rot in prison in the shower stall next to Sandusky, so he can define “horsing around” for them once and for all.

GIVE ME A GIRL IN A BIKINI!!!

Phew, Eva to the rescue.

 

 NUMBER 3. “Victim 1 testified that Sandusky would “crack his back”… With Victim 1 lying on top of him, face to face, Sandusky would run his arms up and down the boy’s back and “crack” it. Sandusky then began to blow on Victim 1’s bare stomach… Victim 1 testified that ultimately, Sandusky performed oral sex on him more than 20 times through 2007 and early 2008.”

I wish this could somehow be construed as a joke, but I am 100% serious when I say I blame the movie Wedding Crashers for this sex move performed by Sandusky. Without a doubt in my mind, Sandusky decided to try his hand at a game of  Tummy Sticks because of this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH3Hrtth8fI 

Disturbing as that may be, Sandusky invented a new game with these boys that might top it: “back cracking.” It’s a real twisted motheruffer who decides to ritualistically climb into bed with the boys he has sleep over at his house and crack their backs each night before they sleep. Sometimes, you watch TV or a movie and think they’ve done it all, then you read this Grand Jury testimony and realize unless you’re actually a pedophile, you can’t think like one. Imagine thinking this is completely normal. You climb out of the bed your wife is sleeping in, scamper downstairs to the bedroom (because pedophiles don’t walk, they scamper, like rodents) you molest underpriveleged kids from your charity in, and “crack their back.” This might be so sick it embarrasses the definition of disturbing. If I don’t get a girl in a bikini right now, I might vomit.

Don't you dare call me on the fact that this isn't a bikini! Carrie Keegan, from Attack of the Show just saved my life.

NUMBER 4. “Victim 4 was listed, along with Sandusky’s wife, as a member of Sandusky’s family part for the 1998 Outback Bowl and the 1999 Alamo Bowl… Victim 4 would frequently stay overnight at Toftrees with Sandusky and the football team prior to home games. Sandusky’s wife was never present… Sandusky would wrestle with him and maneuver him into a position in which Sandusky’s head was at Victim 4’s genitals and Victim 4’s head was at Sandusky’s genitals. Victim 4 described Sandusky rubbing his genitals on Victim 4’s face and inserting his erect penis in Victim 4’s mouth.”

Sorry if you got confused during this last one, but let me break it down for your: Sandusky 69’d with this kid. Karma Sutra 101, the Grand Jury just can’t put it that bluntly. Now, here’s the part where Joe Paterno had to know shit was coming down on him. Sure, he might have passed the buck on the shower rapes when he told his bosses and thought it would be handled. But how senile do you have to be if you don’t realize when your assistant coach has a new flavor of the week shacking up with him during team hotel stays without his wife? Only that flavor happens to be a train of varying boys. Victim 4 wasn’t the only kid getting treated to games, he was just the newest model.

Paterno knew this was going down, and it’s probably why Sandusky was told he wouldn’t become the head coach when he left back in 1999 (but got to hang around campus to keep raping boys from Second Mile). But come on people, to say Joe Paterno didn’t look the other way during this is beyond absurd. Fortunately for the Occupy Wall Street folks, the Penn St. student body made their rally look smart, as they took to the campus in protest of Paterno’s firing last week. Those kids should have been pepper sprayed, rounded up in a net, and dropped into a Nittany Lion cage (and I have no idea if that would be a bad thing since a Nittany Lion could be a house cat for all I know). You don’t get to reside over all this morbidly sick stuff and not lose your job. It’s called accountability. Even Occupy Wall Street would agree on THAT.

Erin Heatherton, a new Victoria's Secret Model. I've got nothing else.

NUMBER 5. “I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact… We were showering and horsing around and he [the boy] actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were, as I recall, possibly like snapping a towel” -Jerry Sandusky 11/14/2011 in an interview with Bob Costas on NBC’s Rock 30.

I don’t know why, but reading the Grand Jury report was almost so surreal, none of the stuff sunk in. Then, I listened to Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas and my stomach knotted up like I chased week old Sushi with month old Milk. Here’s this sick bastard on national TV, speaking to his innocence and admitting to showering with boys, horsing around and touching their legs. Claiming no sexual contact, just some towel snapping?! This is chilling. It’s the stuff you can’t make up. The horror story often read about, now suddenly has a voice personifying the monster. Here’s hoping Jerry Sandusky gets what he deserves: to live out his life in a prison, where even the criminals know the one crime worse than murder.

Stay tuned…