Posts Tagged ‘New York Jets’

h1

Brady vs. Manning? Easy Answer

January 10, 2011

The NFL playoffs just got a whole less ugly. The Mannings, are out. First, the Giants choked their way out of a playoff bid, sparing us the sulking sour puss of Eli Manning. Then, the NFL’s golden child, Peyton Manning, could not guide his team past a lackluster toe-suck effort against the Jets. Just like that, all the attention of irate fans has been turned on Tom Brady. Suddenly, ignorance is flowing like the beer consumption at a kegger. “Whatever, the Jets are gonna smack the Patriots, Tom Brady sucks! He’s a system quarterback! Rex will figure him and Belichick out!” Laughable, I know, but also true. The problem is, when I see these blasphemous status updates of my friends, who don’t know a nickelback from the band “Nickelback”, I can’t blame them. At least not entirely. I blame the analysts on  national networks who keep up the charade of comparing Tom Brady to Peyton Manning for all these years and for all the ratings.

Total bad ass. Just cruising around Central Park, shredding pavement with his Razor. Ready to roll to another Super Bowl?

Now as I’m sure you all know, based on the wonderful analysis of ex-NFL players, and Chris Berman’s guidance, that Peyton Manning has the stats, while Brady has the championships. But when you take a look at these stats, you find out much more. First, Manning has thrown 2,500 more passes in his career, so you cannot compare raw numbers. When you compare statistics based on yards per attempt, QB rating, and TD:INT ratio, you get these two lines for their careers…

Brady: 7.4 yards per attempt, 95.2 QB Rating, 2.6:1 TD/INT ratio

Manning: 7.6 Yards per attempt, 94.9 QB Rating, 2:1 TD/INT ratio

Based on those simple numbers, you can see that Brady is a tick better in QB Rating, and considerably better in the amount of touchdowns he throws per interception. Manning averages a fraction more yards per attempt, but it would seem to be negligible. Two-tenths of a yards is 7.2 inches after all. My head hurts from mental math, so I’m going to get back to easier stats. It seems the thesis of all those moronic Brady haters (who probably don’t know what a thesis is) rests at: “He’s a system quarterback. He never throws the ball more than five yards. Manning can at least throw the ball down the field.”

Sorry. That’s just not true. If the “system” you’re referencing that Brady runs is the West Coast offense, then yes, it’s true he is a system quarterback. That’s like calling Bar Rafaeli pretty, because she is a byproduct of a “system” in which she wears a bikini, professionally. If that’s true for any girl, my time at a beach would be much more enjoyable. However, since half the offenses in the NFL run some form of a pass-heavy West Coast offense, the first part of your argument is invalid. Jay Cutler in a bikini or running the West Coast offense is still ugly. The opposite of Bar Rafaeli in her bikini.

Consider this the football equivalent of a West Coast offense guided by Tom Brady. Thank you, Bar, for the visual aid.

If Brady not being able to “throw the ball more than five yards” is the next part of your argument, you’re more wrong than a Super Bowl 4th quarter pick six to Tracy Porter . Here are two mystery players statistics over the past six full seasons as NFL Quarterbacks.

Player A: 20+ Yard Completions: 309, 40+ Yard Completions: 63

Player B: 20+ Yard Completions: 293, 40+ Yard Completions: 46

That’s right. Your stomach just dropped when you realized Tom Brady is player A. The man who never throws a pass more than five yards somehow, miraculous as it may seem, has completed more deep passes than Archie’s prodigal son over those last six full seasons. Now, I’m about to compare postseasons, but you can imagine it’s only getting uglier for Peyton’s apologists.

Brady is 14-4 in his postseason career, with three Super Bowls. Peyton is 9-10 in his postseason career, with one Super Bowl. Manning has thrown 29 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. Brady has thrown one less touchdown and five less interceptions, in one less game. I’m going out on a limb and assuming Brady won’t throw five picks against the Jets on Sunday, since he only threw four all season.

Peyton can't bare to watch the gap widen.

What shouldn’t be lost in this blog, is that I don’t think Manning is a bad quarterback. Far from it. It’s just that he’s not on Brady’s level. Sure, Manning has done amazing things in his NFL career. He’s also done it with two hall of fame wide receivers in Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, and a potential hall of fame tight end in Dallas Clark. Brady? He had hall of famer Randy Moss for two full seasons (not including Brady’s lost year for ACL surgery, or Moss’ being traded this season). Otherwise, Brady has thrown to guys like David Patten, Troy Brown, Deion Branch, David Givens, Donte Stallworth, Jabar Gaffney, Daniel Graham, Ben Watson, Wes Welker, and the rest of the 2010 misfits turned stars, like Danny Woodhead. Sure, all those wide receivers had very productive years with the Patriots, but once Brady got them their stats, and another team made them rich with a big contract, we rarely heard from them again. Just ask Deion Branch how much easier it is to be a wide receiver with Tom Brady delivering perfect passes to your chest.

When this post-season is all said and done, Brady may be a four-time Super Bowl champion. He will almost definitely be named the 2010 NFL Regular Season MVP, his second. That’s one department Peyton does have Tom beat. Manning’s four regular season MVP awards trump Brady. But if you think Peyton Manning is more valuable than Tom Brady, you’re dead wrong. Look at the stats. Look at the records. Look at the wins and losses. Look at the supermodel wife. No matter how you cut it, Brady beats Manning.

How can you beat this?

Stay tuned…

Advertisements
h1

Rex Ryan Swallows Bill Belichick’s Rings, Whole.

December 7, 2010

If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t been watching the Bill Belichick era of the New England Patriots. If you thought the Jets may hang around last night, you haven’t been watching. If you thought this game would resemble anything close to the first meeting in September, you haven’t been watching. If you thought Mark Sanchez’s status as a sex symbol could ever rival that of Tom Brady’s, you must be Mexican. In what can only be described as football genocide, the New England Patriots went out last night and disgraced the New York Jets worse than the high school offensive line holding down the freshman kicker and forcing phallic objects inside of him. Rex Ryan may be the NFL’s coaching jester, but Bill Belichick is still royalty.

This all started two years ago, when the Jets named Ryan their new head coach. During Ryan’s first press conference, he announced that he wasn’t going to kiss Belichick’s rings. Since then, the New York and national

When you need suspenders, you've eaten too much over multiple decades.

media have developed a weird crush on a fat ugly guy with what appear to be false teeth, but could just have Mormon lineage. Since then, Ryan has basically been a buffoon of Chris Farley’s ilk, yucking, guffawing and even wearing costumes and wigs to make fun of his own brother during press conferences. Along the way, he has taken repeated shots at the enormous, three-time championship winning dynasty of an elephant in his division. His most recent comment leading up to the Monday Night Genocide read: “I came here to win. As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that’s the truth. That’s just the way it is.”

In classic Belichick fashion, he didn’t take the reporters bait, but instead made everyone else in the room feel inferior. Sort of like every other coach in the league. “That’s what we’re here for. Is that a news story? Is that something you didn’t know? Patriots and Jets want to win the game? I’m not surprised that they expect to win the game, they’re confident, so are we,” Belichick responded with the wryest of smiles. As soon as that press conference aired, I knew the game was a lock. What I didn’t know is how ugly things would get for the Jets.

All you needed to know about Ryan’s strategy last night, and confidence in his team, could be seen on the Jets opening drive. On 3rd and 1 after a failed sneak by Sanchez, Ryan challenged the spot that seemed to be clearly short. After losing the challenge bringing up 4th and 1, the Jets went for it inside their own territory. Sure, they picked it up, but that is not how a confident team plays in the NFL. They punt, pin the opponent back and let their defense (which Rex calls the best greatest most amazing defense, probably, of all-time: past, present and future) do their jobs. After a hooked field goal that didn’t reach the uprights, Tom Brady took over and engineered a 4th and 3 slant to Deion Branch that put the Patriots up 10-0. Not only did they never look back, the Patriots stepped on the gas and headed for the border (which is where Sanchez should have gone to avoid this abortion).

 

Tehehehe. Too soon?

When it was all over, the Patriots won 45-3. It felt more like 450-3. Brady amassed 326 yards, 4tds, obviously 0 picks, and one more virtuoso performance against a team that pissed him and his coach off. Mark Sanchez looked like a virgin at a Vivid shoot, throwing up a 0 TD, 3 INT game. But don’t think I’m just being tough on Sanchez, because from top to bottom, the Jets resembled the sisters of the poor. Even their first punt of the night was a shank job that went about 12 yards, which if you weren’t sure, isn’t good.

The best Jets player last night is actually a Patriot. Danny Woodhead went through training camp with the Jets until they decided he wasn’t good enough to play for them. Too small. Not strong enough. Perfect for Bill Belichick. All Woodhead did was lead the Patriots in receiving yards against his old team with 104. Amongst all the huge physical specimens on the Jets roster, a 5’7” white boy from division II Chadron St. in Nebraska made them all look foolish. It was like watching a bear try to hug a mouse every time Woodhead ran with the ball. You can imagine Belichick broke out that wry smile more than once last night.

This is the sight that has millions of males across New England wishing they could get some Woodhead.

If you’re looking for good news as a Jets fan, you can find solace in the fact that you won’t have to play New England until next season. This team has struggled for weeks, “finding ways to win” against weak opponents that should probably more accurately be described as “having a horseshoe up their sphincter.” This Jets team doesn’t rush the passer, they give up a lot of yards, and their Quarterback is still wet behind the ears (that’s not a Mexican joke, it’s an age joke). None of that wins in December and January.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are only getting better week-to-week. Their defense which ranked last in most yardage statistics coming into last night is starting to gel. They are young, but they make big plays, and the Patriots rarely lose a turnover battle (thanks to Brady, and the fact that Benjarvus Green-Ellis has still yet to fumble in his NFL career). The offense is clicking on all cylinders now that Brady and the Pats are back to playing midget-ball sans Randy Moss. The aformentioned Green-Ellis and Woodhead have actually turned into arguably the most successful two-back tandem in the league (seriously?! Yes).

After last night, It's official, the hair is gorgeous.

If that’s not enough, there’s always that one kicker in the Patriots hand. Bill Belichick. Love him or hate him, he always gets seems to get the last smirk.

Oh yeah, here’s Marissa Miller. The only girl worthy of the Patriots performance last night.

Just give me the Woodhead!

Stay Tuned…

h1

Hot Chicks and QBs: The American Dream

October 12, 2010

You knew it would happen soon enough. With the regularity of athlete and celebrity cellphone dong shots on the rise faster than our national debt, it simply became a matter of when. Earlier this week, the media finally reported the story that broke in late August, but nobody seemed to want to cover. Back in 2008, Brett Favre had one of those tingly feelings 4th grade boys get during PG-13 sex scenes and decided to take action. After some desperate voicemails, the rocket-armed QB decided to put his thumbs to the test. While the then-Jets star was rocking out with his cockpit out, Favre fired off a barrage of cell phone shots. Aside from the national embarrassment of having millions of people know that Brett is manning a single-engine Cessna, rather than a 747, he is now dealing with a potential family-ruining scandal similar to Tiger Woods (without all the blonde pornstars).

 

"I can't bare to read the rest of the blog. Go easy on me, Colt."

 

Thankfully, the story only gets better. Back in 2005, I was a hopeful sports broadcaster watching a FSU football game during my freshman year of college. While the cameras panned frenzied fans, it settled on a brunette in a cowboy hat and maroon bikini top. Brent Musberger, the announcer at the time calmly announced “1500 red-blooded Americans just decided to apply to Florida State.” Check out the video, here.

Brent was absolutely wrong. 1500 was far too conservative an estimate of how many red-blooded American boys (and by red-blooded, I think Brent meant fully-aroused) applied to FSU that fall because of Sterger. Had this game been a year earlier, I would have undoubtedly done the same. Life dreams could wait as long as I got to attend sporting events with girls dressed like that! Sure enough, the wonders of the internet made the girl a complete sensation. Jenn Sterger, as we came to find out her name, parlayed her brief cameo on national television into being the best thing on the internet since “David Goes to the Dentist”. Because this is America, she easily transitioned from “hot chick” to “famous hot chick since her boobs were hanging out during a sporting event.” Playboy spread, CHECK. Maxim spread, CHECK. Job working for the New York Jets as the in-stadium announcer, CHECK. Getting cell phone pictures of arguably the NFL’s greatest Quarterback’s “short post, double hook ins” CHECK.

 

Google Images only brings up about a million pictures of her. This is just my favorite.

 

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have written about this if Sterger wasn’t involved. Brett Favre, on his own, sucks. His shaft shots are even worse. But then Sterger gets involved and makes this a legitimately amazing story. You almost can’t blame Favre. Here’s a girl who dressed up like a stripper about to hit the stage for college football games. Why wouldn’t she want to hook up with a multi-millionaire and one of the biggest names in the NFL? Well, because sometimes, in the rarest Haley’s Comet-style scenarios, girls who seem to be whores, are really just teases who pride themselves on blue-balling guys. In this case, that guy was the NFL’s all-time leader in yards, touchdowns and retirements. Sure, she could have hooked up with him and kept it a secret, but she’s an attention craving smokeshow who is still trying desperately to make a career out of being just that. Banging Brett Favre would have been a good story to tell friends, but it wouldn’t throw her back in the national spotlight.

 

 

::Obligatory Jenn Sterger Picture::

 

Now, there’s just a BP sized mess left to be cleaned up. Favre is married with kids. Sterger is single and retardedly hot. Favre might get suspended by his employer, the NFL. We don’t care who Sterger’s employer is, because she’s so hot. Favre will probably get divorced. Sterger will probably marry for money. Favre could use an implant. Sterger already has two big ones. The parallels could not be more polar. Thankfully, there’s one thing everyone can agree upon. This whole story reeks of the American dream. Little girls everywhere dream of becoming famous because they are hot and bring almost nothing else to the table. Little boys dream of becoming the star quarterback and pulling the smoking hot girls cheering them on. Thankfully, through the wonders of technology, and creepy sexting, these budding relationships can be turned into tabloid stories for the rest of eternity. When they do, we’ll always remember the Favre-Sterger tale. Okay, maybe not. But we’ll always remember Jenn Sterger: that smoking hot piece of tail.

 

 

You can find her naked through Google Images... you know, if you're into that sort of thing...