Posts Tagged ‘Gisele Bundchen’

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41 Men More Influential than Tom Brady: Impossible

October 19, 2011

When Gisele picks you, it's tough to top.

This week, AskMen.com unveiled their latest list of the “50 Most Influential Men of 2011,” and the publication basically blasphemed all over the place.  All the usual suspects are there: Jobs, Obama, Zuckerberg, Clooney et al. Obviously, Tom Brady is on the list because he’s in a rarified air reserved for the likes of DaVinci, Galileo, Franklin, Einstein and Moses. The real indignation isn’t that Brady is somehow 41 spots below #1, because it’s possible 41 saints and Greek gods are ahead of him. Where AskMen.com loses all its credibility is when you dissect some of the men ranked ahead of Brady. The top four are: Steve Jobs, Seal Team Six, Larry Page of Google, and Warren Buffett. I guess some arguments could be made for these computer geeks, economic genius’ and skilled assassins, but Tom still easily defeats them.  Here are just ten of the men ranked ahead of Tom that make less sense than Helen Keller playing Scrabble.

#7 Prince William: Actually one of the least influential on this list. Dude doesn’t have a discernible skill aside from losing his hair at an oddly early age. Rumors persist that this is why Tom Brady grew his hair long, to get some plugs. Whether that’s true or not, it’s just another example of why he’s more influential than Prince William. Dude dissected the problem and solved it.  Seriously though, does it get more uninfluential than being the “guy in line to be the guy in line to be the king of a country that no longer is ruled by a monarchy?”

#8 Anonymous, hacking group that promotes “civil disobedience”  on the web: I don’t even know what this one means. Like, is “Anonymous” the groups name? Or are they so sneaky and covert that they don’t even have a name, just an unwritten hacking stroke deep in a systems mainframe. Aside from being nameless and faceless, and thus, not Tom Brady, I haven’t heard one thing these guys have done besides give my PC from ’98 the Trojan Horse virus. That shit was pretty fucked up though. Fried a motherboard like Colonel Sanders.

#9 Ryan Gosling: Canadian Actor- Homie trails Brady in so many regards it’s not even funny, the least of which is Americanness. This Candian born actor is best known for his role in “The Notebook.” Sure, that movie might have revolutionized the dating game, and made it cool for bros all over to include it in their favorite movies section on facebook (this bro, included), but ultimately, it’s a crappy chick flick. To further weaken his cause, I just googled “Ryan Gosling girlfriend” and the top story is from 2010 about  how he is finally ready to move on from his ex, Rachel McAdams.  If you’re an influential man, I should be able to google your girlfriend and be wading through an internet cesspool of chicks linked to you. Google “Tom Brady girlfriend” and you get a story about him marrying Gisele. Boom. Dripping in influence.

#12 Jon Stewart- Daily Show Host/Comedian: Let me get this straight. The guy who isn’t even the most influential fake-news studio host on Comedy Central is supposedly more influential than Tom Brady. This scenario highlights the lack credibility in this list. Stewart has long been the least funny of of the nightly news duo, as Colbert consistently kills it while Stewart fishes for laughs with his annoying shrieks. Put it this way, would the jester ever be considered more influential than the King? Then how can a comedian be more influential than a quarterback? Varsity quarterbacks got girls in high school, class clowns played Dungeons and Dragons.

#13 Andrew Mason: CEO of Groupon– AskMen definitely didn’t do their research on this one. First off, Groupon doesn’t even work for businesses. People get your shit for cheap, once, then move on to the next place that will give them shit for cheap. So on and so forth. No buyer resiliency is seen. This business model is failing faster than an Obama stimulus package, and Andrew Mason should have gotten out while he could make billions and buy sports teams. Anyone remember how Mark Cuban made his money? Me either, but Yahoo gave him a couple billion for it at the time. Maybe if this dude owned the team Tom Brady played quarterback for, he’d be more influential.

 #21 Barack Obama- President, United States of America: Didn’t the country get downgraded? Doesn’t that mean the President of America is like, the same as Cuba or something? I know Tom Brady is more influential than Fidel Castro, so without getting too political, let’s just say this is obvious.

#24 Anderson Cooper- Journalist/TV Host: If this were a list of most influential gay men, Anderson Cooper would be way high up, and definitely higher than Tom Brady. I feel like Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris are in the same boat. Like, out of nowhere, everyone found out they were gay, and suddenly things made sense. In both cases, you have to believe these guys hooked up with tons of chicks while they lied to themselves about it feeling right.  Unfortunately, this isn’t just a list for “men” and in that regard, the host of any poorly rated CNN show can’t possibly outrank Tom Brady. I mean, have you seen the ratings for an NFL Game that Brady plays in? Blows AC-360 out of the water.

#30 Peter Dinklage- Midget Actor: One issue I have consistently felt has plagued the little people community is their lack of focus in declaring what they want to be known as. For a while, midget was bad, and might still be for all I know. Then they wanted to be dwarves, but everyone found that a bit too Tolkien. Nowadays, I have no clue what they want to be called, I just know that this Peter Dinklage bit off more than he could chew or reach. Tom Brady is 6’4” and runs the 2-minute drill in his sleep. Dinklage was the angry midget in “ELF” who is now on “Game of Thrones” and for some reason, ranks ahead of Brady. Something is disproportionate here, and it’s not the limb-torso ratio of Dinklage.

#35 Jimmy Fallon- Full-sized Actor: Now I know AskMen is just  with all of us. Like, really? Jimmy Fallon influences more people than Tom Brady? Dude hosts a talk show at like 1am. If you’re awake at 1am on a weeknight and you’re watching Jimmy Fallon, you probably don’t have a job to wake up for the next morning. If you do, you probably suck at that job, and at life. Sure, Fallon has played a lovable loser just fine in some movies, and he has even made me laugh twice, but to say he’s more influential than Tom is heretical.

#41 Julian Assange- Wikileaks Founder: Remember when Wikileaks leaked all that censored top secret stuff and shit was about to hit the fan? Me neither. One of the biggest teases of the internet age had to be Wikileaks, right? This dude was like sexually assaulting chicks, fleeing to Sweden and lawyering up because the whole world was trying to sue his ass for leaking secrets that put security at stake. Since then?  No idea. If anything, this just shows how weak Wikileaks was, and how Assange has no influence. When Tom Brady was spying on people, he won Super Bowls. Assange did it and got nothing.

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The United Chile of America: Miracle at the Mine

October 14, 2010

They’re all safe! Yesterday, a billion people and I watched a bunch of dirty dudes with dirtier mustaches climb out of a tiny hole. 70 days ago, I read a story about the Chilean mine that collapsed and trapped 33 men more than 2,000 feet under a desert were they were thought to be dead. My first thought after typing that sentence is, “desert spelled with one s, because you don’t go back for seconds, it’s not ice cream or cake!” My second thought is, “how in the name of Minka Kelly’s holy body are these dudes alive?!” Sure enough, the mainstream media told me and those billion people that they are alive because Chile’s government is AWESOMEEE with all caps! You guessed it, welcome to my first politically-charged blog post.  But first… Minka…

Yeah, she's been named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive... so you should probably google her!

You see, Chile has been lauded by all the pundits since they “asked for help from anyone who would give it” in an effort to save these guys. Must be nice. When a disaster happens in the U-S of effin A, nobody flinches. Sure, England and Canada and some of the other white guys who speak funny types of English give us the obligatory “aid,” but at the end of the day, we’re on our own. Would I want it any other way? Absolutely not.

Actual depiction of Chilean Space Program.

Would Chile? Absolutely. Do we really need to applaud a country that has contributed very little to the rest of the world (not even CHILI! Their namesake)? What did these people expect the Chilean government to do? Consult their own non-existent space program? Have their own imaginary rocket scientists create a dietary plan that would keep these hombres alive? Use their own stone-age technology to create the drill bit that would dig the retrieval tunnel? Have their own highly skilled drill-man be the muchacho who guided the drill half a mile into this potential tomb? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Obviously, you know who did all of those things for Chile. There’s the Pennsylvania company that had the specialty drill (which used hammering and air-removal rather than a corkscrew drill process, that risked burying these men) within two days of the original collapse. There’s the Kansas company that devised the plan to retrieve the men. There’s the one-ton, 21” wide pod NASA created to bring these guys up. There’s the American, specialty drillman, brought in from a mission in Afghanistan to conduct the drilling itself. So naturally, after all of this, people had to bash the United States for not being able to respond quickly enough to Hurricane Katrina, or the BP Oil Spill. Let’s briefly compare the three:

Hurricane Katrina: Massive hurricane that has rarely been seen before thrashes an entire region of one of the most populated countries on earth. People die. People are hungry. Millions go homeless. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Inept fools!

BP Oil Spill: Massive oil spill that has rarely been seen before leaves a pipe gushing oil over a mile underwater. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Ignorant idiots!

San Jose Mine Collapse: 33 Guys are trapped in a hole underground. We know where they are. We are able to keep them alive with food. We need to figure out how to dig a hole and get them. US essentially figures out how. Chile is genius.

That’s right, we walked on the freaking Moon! Do we really need to measure manhood with Chile??

Clearly, there’s a double-standard here. I don’t need to go on. But I will, because another awesome thing came about. Normally, watching a bunch of guys who look exactly alike come out of a hole one-by-one, an hour at a time, isn’t great television. In this case, it was oddly mesmerizing. Along the way, some amazing stories came out of the woodwork about America saving these hombres from humble backgrounds. Here are my favorites:

Edison Pena: “The fittest of all the miners” according to one report, he ran 10 kilometers a day. Now, since I’m American I don’t know WTF a kilometer is, but it must be a lot since it made him the most fit of all these dudes. Seems kind of counter-intuitive to run an ass-ton every day while trying to survive in an 85 degree hole for over two months, but I digress. Edison also claims Elvis kept him alive when helpers were able to send down some of “The Kings”greatest tracks. He earned himself an all-expense paid trip to Graceland! Guess where Elvis is from, bitches?!

Mario Sepulveda: Did his best Terrell Owens impression upon reaching land. Running

SIGN THOSE THINGS, MARIO!!!

around, pumping up the crowd and high-fiving anything with a hand. All that was missing in his celebration dance was a sharpie being pulled from his sock and signing one of the onlooking, obese Chilean women’s breasts, followed by a 15-yard excessive celebration penalty from Ed Hochuli. You cannot tell me Mario hasn’t been inspired by “the land of the free” with his ostentatious display of grandeur. After all, no one does ostentatious displays of grandeur better than us. Can you say, “Fourth of July!?”

Esteban Rojas: This poor sap actually proposed to his wife before going to work on the mine, only to have her answer, “No, why?” Umm, I don’t know, to profess undying love and a bond through all of eternity? Anyway, once he got trapped underground, and she found out a rescue mission was underway, SHE DECIDED TO SAY YES! If you can find me anything more American than a gold-digging bitch toying with a vulnerable man, I’ll eat a crepe and wear a fedora.

CRAP! I FOUND SOMETHING! Oh wait, you didn’t find it, so I don’t have to do any of that flaming Euro garbage I just mentioned.

Yonni Barrios: The true definition of a man with American values, this crazy bastard invited both his wife AND his mistress to greet him upon leaving the mine. The wife said she had too much pride to show up knowing he invited his bang-on-the-side. Thankfully, the mistress was there, in all her beautiful obesity. So Yonni went 1-2 with a double. As so often happens in our great country, the sidepiece proves more loyal than the main squeeze. If Yonni’s not as American as apple pie… I don’t know what is.

Speaking of pie. Did anyone notice the size of every Chilean woman looking on in the crowd? Can we get a recount on the most obese country? Literally not one Chilean woman would be able to shop anywhere in the USA besides Lane Bryant and the maternity ward. Apparently, all the talent in South America ended up in Brazil. The rest of the continent is filled with chubbos who pound rice, beans and beef for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Due to a self-imposed ban on ugly chicks showing up on my blog... I give you Gisele, in all her oiled up glory.

After reading this blog, you’re probably not sure how to feel. I asked my sister if I should blog about Chile today and she gave me the “out of toilet paper” look and questioned whether it was too soon. Obviously, upon observing her initial reaction, I had to do it. Nothing bad happened. This meant it was open season on making fun of Chilean porn stashes and the gargantuan women they so easily seduce. Just know one thing, the “miracle at the mine” was only made possible because of one thing: a drill stamped MADE IN THE USA.