Archive for the ‘Television’ Category

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Valentine’s Day Smorgasblog

February 14, 2011

I’m not going to expand on why I haven’t blogged in over a month. Just know that the thought of writing about sports, or even hot girls made me sick after recent life events (mainly, a Patriots playoff loss, but some other stuff, too). Sprinkle in the fact that it has snowed twice a week for the past month and my fingers have been rendered useless for large stretches, and you get the point. Thankfully, pitchers and catchers officially reported to spring training today, eternally lifting my spirits.  The clothed orgy of insanity known as the Grammy’s took place last night, the Celtics once again beat the Heat yesterday afternoon, and on top of all that, I’ve got Valentine’s to give out! So let’s jump right into this. This Valentine’s Smorgasblog is brought to you by none other than Ana de la Reguera! If you missed her and her ass on Eastbound and Down this past season, you may suck. However, HBO is re-airiing seasons 1 & 2  Friday nights at 9:30. Ana…

It's as if someone photoshopped Penelope Cruz into a hotter version.

TOP 3 GRAMMY MOMENTS:

1: Eminem– I posted the following Facebook status as his performance happened: “Eminem just consistently murders awards shows. He should be contractually obligated to appear at them.” All my white friends “liked” it, and my friend Tunde, who isn’t white, said he was lip syncing. This isn’t about race, but seriously, dude just goes absolutely ballistic during his raps, and consistently outshines all the poplets who try to sing on live shows. Katy Perry tried singing last night, and it just made us all yearn for her to be in a studio getting auto-tuned into an unrecognizable fembot. Eminem goes out and nearly breaks blood vessels in his eyes while ripping the veins out of his neck like a constipated frat bro on a Sunday morning toilet binge, but in a good way. If you can imagine that, now.

2: Lady Gaga– She has officially transcended freak. First, she filmed her 60 Minutes interview with Anderson Cooper in underwear and

No words.

people thought “well that’s freaking weird.” Then they saw her in the embryonic stage during the Grammy Red Carpet and turned weird into outright insane. I used to be oddly attracted to Gaga, probably because “Bad Romance” became our anthem during senior year Spring Break and I only associated amazingness with that week.

Nowadays, I would honestly fear for my life if I was in a close space with her. She just seems like the kind of chick who would chloroform the hell out of you before ripping your genitals off and dining on them with a glass of “Red Wine” just as you gained consciousness and could watch. I hope I didn’t just give her ideas for next year. Nah, who am I kidding, she probably does that on a tame Tuesday night, not Grammy Night.

3. Esperanza Spalding– The most hated woman in America with girls ages 8-25. If you didn’t hear the shrieks of tweens everywhere as she won the Grammy for best new artist, you weren’t listening. This was easily the most hilarious moment of the night. Bieber was out there just pop n’ locking the taste out of girls mouths, singing his little lesbowl haircut off. All was right in the world. Until Esperanza had her name read for the Grammy. Immediately, Twitter started eating itself, while Facebook vomited non-stop, irate, pro-Bieber fever tweets and statuses. Esperanza was having her name tweeted as “Esmerelda” and girls in training bras watched in horror as this chick started playing a bass and jazzing her ass off. Meanwhile, the right thing happened. Did nobody else wonder how Bieber was even in the category for “Best New Artist”? Dude had his first album released in 2009, and it went “Platinum.” Go count your money and tongue Selena Gomez, this is Esperanza’s day, Biebs.

If none of what I wrote about the Grammy’s made you laugh, there’s always this…

If that didn’t do it for you, this should…

I'm not sure what's going on in this picture, or what happened to the female anatomy, but it's neat.

CELTICS-HEAT GAME:

At one point, after Big Baby flawlessly executed the worst missed dunk in NBA history and before Paul Pierce finished the game 0-10 with 1 point, you still knew the Celtics were going to win. One of my more trusted friend’s sports opinions commented that at this point, the ceiling for the Heat this season is Eastern Conference Finals. He really could not be more right. Their talent alone lets them run roughshod through the rest of the meek NBA (there might be four teams with a chance at the title, and that includes the Heat). But, when they face Boston, the difference in championship caliber is as clear as water in a fishbowl under a magnifying glass (in a glass bottomed boat? Too much, too soon?).

An offense based around two great players (Lebron, Dwyane) going one on five, and one good player standing around 18 feet from the basket waiting to hit kickout jumpers (Chris Bosh) just won’t beat Boston. Yesterday, Rajon Rondo even decided to guard whoever dribbled the ball over half court, regardless of their size, and it worked! Nobody on Boston played extremely well, (Rondo had the most nondescript triple-double in league history), but they still beat the “Heatles”, the hands down winner for lamest self-ascribed nickname in sports history.

MY HOPELESS VALENTINE:

Dianna Agron: You Gleek’s know her as Quinn Fabray, the cheerleader who took Finn on an emotional roller-coaster while baring Puck’s child during season one (what up Wikipedia). I know her as the blonde-haired flawless chick who just consistently saves scenes in that show by being so damn hot. Like, she’s got the girl next door looks, a voice from heaven, an ass from hell, and based on her Glee character, she’s DTF. What’s not to like? I’ll tell you what… NOTHING.

Sex on fire.

Since she’s not my Valentine, I’m going to watch “Serendipity” starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. Don’t judge me, brah!

Stay tuned…

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Fall TV Already Loses a Legend, So I Preview the Rest

September 22, 2010

Last night, the geriatric fan club watching ABC’s Dancing With the Stars voted off an early childhood hero of every 20-30 year-old male. We all remember him sprinting the beach with his perfectly formed curly-mullet-in-its-pre-natal stages. Barking out orders to some of the hottest sets of breasts held within spandex swimwear ever seen on television (Pam Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth just to name two of those sets of breasts), this guy showed everyone how to save lives and look good doing it. His name, as you all know, is David Hasselhoff.

Do They hit the Chin? Judges Ruling: Yes.

The Hoff has since turned into a caricature of himself, getting wasted and eating cheeseburgers in hilarious home videos, getting wasted some more, and in general, just being drunk. But, he was given a chance to redeem himself on this season’s DWTS, and the losers who actually sit and watch B, C and D list celebrities attempt to dance well, voted him off. Just when I was going to give this insanely vapid show a chance, the people of America saved me from turning into a loser like the rest of them. So I guess I should be happy.

Thankfully, for the puposes of this blog post, I do watch cool shows that other cool Americans watch, too. So, without further ado, I bring you my fall TV preview of the shows I may or may not watch, and why (editor’s note: Monday shows are generally off limits due to Monday Night Football).There are five for each category, because for the most part, I watch too many sports to watch more than that.

WHAT I WON’T WATCH

Dancing With the Stars: Read above.

Glee: I decided to pick everybody’s favorite show to lead off my “Won’t Watch” list because, the show basically sucks. Sure, you get a bunch of misfit high schoolers performing remixes of today’s hits. But you also get horrible plot lines, stereotypes, and a show that hyped itself up as funny, but will not evoke one laugh from someone who understands humor. It seems if you just make a high school show consisting of: awkward drama chick who is actually super hot, super hot cheerleader, big jock who secretly wants to sing and dance like a fairy, an over-the-top fairy who overtly wants to sing and dance like one, a huge black chick, an AZN with feelings towards the handicapped, and a handicapped kid who sings and rolls in dance formation, you’ve got a hit! So go ahead and watch, if you’re a fan of bad stereotypes like that rolled into a musical.

Gossip Girl: Leighton Meester almost makes me watch, but then I realize she’ll probably start talking, so I just google image her. Blake Lively talks out of the side of her mouth and is a mumbler, and I’m not down with that. The guys are all more metro than the last. Oh, and they are all loaded and struggle with absurd issues nobody should really care about. Chuck Bass is played by the worst actor since

Ugh, Leighton, you almost had me with that eye-f*ck, then you said hello...

Robert Pattinson, and looks eerily similar. So apparently, dudes who look like Vampires suck at acting and speak in whispers. Obviously, for all the above reasons, tons of chicks watch this show and its mostly because girls don’t like sports, and replace that section of their brain with the mind-numbing crap known as gossip. But, you already knew what this show was about from it’s title. XOXO- I’m not watching.

The Vampire Diaries: Fortunately, I know nothing about this show. I was just looking at a list of network TV shows and saw this one and got really upset. Dear America, please stop with the Vampire crap. They do not, nor will they ever, exist within our everyday life. True Blood sucks. Twilight is working towards becoming the most successful, absolutely horrible saga in Hollywood history, and now there’s this piece of trash brought to you by the CW (Editor’s Note: the CW also airs Gossip Girl).

Two and a Half Men: Should change the title of its show to “Two Men and a Fat Kid Who Hit Puberty and Tried Getting Skinny, But Now He’s Skinny-fat.” And everyone just nodded in understanding of the term “skinny-fat.” You’re better off just being fat. This show just kind of sucks in general. It’s not awful, I guess.

Sometimes, you can't hide your inner fat kid.

It’s definitely not good, though, because really how many weird sexual innuendo jokes can Charlie Sheen deliver to an assembly line of smoking hot girlfriends while his sexually-confusing brother, who comes off as gay, but I guess isn’t, makes fun of him?

WHAT I WILL WATCH!

Eastbound and Down: TV’s best-kept secret is back! For the cult following who tuned into HBO’s gem of a comedy starring Kenny F%*&ing Powers, the ex-MLB player turned substitute teacher, they were given arguably the funniest show on television. This season, Kenny is taking his hilarious mullet to Mexico for an attempted comeback. All you really need to know about this show is Kenny Powers outlook on becoming a champion: “A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.”

You're gonna watch, aren't you?

Modern Family: Covers every aspect of, what a shock, the modern american family. Whether its nuclear, two gay guys adopting an Asian girl and naming her Lilly, which has to be the number one name given to little Asian girls adopted by two gay guys, or an old rich dude who marries a super fine Columbian chick, this show has it covered in awesome fashion. Just watch the show and be happy. Even if you think it sucks, Sofia Vergara will make you happy (guys).

30 Rock: Alec Baldwin and Tracey Morgan kill it in this comedy, based on a Saturday Night Live-like TV show. Baldwin is the ultra-rich, ultra Conservative, ultra cool as shit middle-aged guy who does whatever he wants in life, NBC executive. Morgan basically plays his real-life self as his character is even named Tracey Jordan. And come on, Tracey Morgan’s real-life self is way funnier than any of his previous roles, which makes this one awesome. Tina Fey plays her usual never-gets-laid, always finds loser guys, quirky type and the rest of the ensemble cast all work well. The hilarious religious guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is also a hilarious religious country-bumpkin on here, too. Looking back at this review, every character just kind of plays their type-casting, but the show is legit.

Parks and Recreation/Community: Well, they play back-to-back on NBC, and on their own, they aren’t great, so I broke the rules and put them as one show. Aziz Ansari steals Parks and Rec from every other character. If you don’t think you know who Aziz Ansari is, you do. He’s the funny indian guy who plays that in every movie he’s been in. He’s also a hilarious stand-up comic, so Youtube him or something. Community is just a decent show about a group of people taking classes at a Community College. Chevy Chase sucks in it, but most of the other characters are good, and the last 30 seconds after the credits and before the show ends are arguably the best part. But that isn’t a bad thing. At least I don’t think.

Big Bang Theory: With its move off the Monday Night block, I get to watch this more than I would have before. Since it’s on Thursdays now, I will DVR one of the other Thursday Night-watch listers and laugh at the nerd humor of Big Bang Theory. Based on a bunch of rocket scientists and their funny geek obsessions like Magic the Gathering, Lord of the Rings, and every comic book, ever. The star of this show is the most detached, socially retarded of all these geeks, Sheldon. This lanky dork would probably get laughed at by me in real-life, but on the show, I laugh with him. Basically, he just pwns n00bs on the reg, and I dig it.

BONUS SHOW: The League

Essentially, its every cool group of college guys, grown up, playing fantasy football. Much like Eastbound and Down, everybody who tuned into this shows premiere last year got lucky, because it might be the second funniest show on TV. Obviously, I watch the second funniest show on TV about fantasy football. So, you probably should, too.

Sofia, again. Because I know you were gonna google "Sofia Vergara Bikini Pics" as soon as you stopped reading the blog.