The SmorgasBlog

October 20, 2010

The jigga whatttt, Colt? That’s right, today, I’ve got too much absurd stuff to drop lines on. So, I’m combining these smaller blog ideas into one, all you can eat, smorgasblog. Today’s topics range from the newest celebrity babies, to “wear purple day,” to the newest American Political Party. I may or may not even lust over Rosie Jones.

Who? This chick below…and you knew whether I actually lusted over her the rest of the smorgasblog, you were getting to see the goods.

I read her bio and flinched at “Born in 1990…” Once I did the math, it was love.

Without further ado… THE SMORGASBLOG! (Numbered for no reason of importance)

1- Move Over, Suri Cruise

It’s official. After some unconfirmed and completely made up tales of pregnancy, reports today verified that Beyonce is carrying the fruit of Jay Z’s loins. I honestly never thought I’d write “the fruit of Jay Z’s loins” in a serious sentence, so what just happened was pretty neat for me, personally. Anyway, Hov’s loin fruit decided to get all up inside Beyonce’s egg loins and they mixed up a pre-natal celeb-baby.  Presently residing underneath Beyonce’s now-perfectly toned abdomen, but soon-to-be covered in cocoa butter baby bump, the little, currently genderless embryo, will eventually be rocking fresh baby Jordans, khakis with a cuff and a crease, and a crisp Rocawear button-up. (That sentence had a ton of commas. I’m not positive if it’s grammatically correct, but it seemed to read okay upon second look). Unless it becomes a chick. In which case she may be dressed in a flashy onesie… like this…

Will Gaga be the Godmother? Not if this baby wants a chance in life.

The only other question remaining is how soon this child will be turned into a musical icon. Rev Run’s son is rapping up a storm (not the older son who thought he could rap but sucked, the little one who actually can rap). Will Smith’s daughter, Willow, is like six (editor’s note: she’s 9) and already has a hit single called “Whip My Hair.” Which is musical proof that a celebrity’s child can essentially burp, vomit and poop into a microphone, and producers will mix in a hook and beat to make it a top-ten iTunes download. So, the sky is the limit for the child of two music legends like Jay and B.

Sidenote: That’s the last time I’m referencing either Jay-Z or Beyonce in this blog, so I went with “Jay” and “B” just to sound cool. It’s like when one of those super white hipster MTV VJs morph into Eminem’s cousin when a rapper comes on for an interview. Suddenly, they are saying stuff like, “Fo sho, Drake, that latest track about being right above it was tighttttt. Like, you straight murdered those lyrics and left them for dead. I didn’t know you were about to get up in it like THAT.” Followed by Drake laughing in said VJs face and mumbling to himself  “this crazy ass white boi right here.”

This pictoral blog break brought to you by Rosie Jones, again.

I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of Rosie in this SmorgasBlog. Because the writing is average at worst.

2. Wear Purple Day

If you’re reading this on… (seriously, who knows the date nowadays, it seems so inconsequential. Wait, maybe that’s only for us underemployed) hold on let me check… October 20th, 2010 then you may or may not be wearing purple. You almost may or may not have heard that today if you wore purple, you were supporting teens struggling with homosexuality, or you were a homosexual. Right about now, you could have some extremely mixed feelings. Don’t worry I’m here to help with this quick breakdown of what your outfit today meant.


1- And knew about “Wear Purple Day”

You = supporter of, or actually are, homosexual.

2- And did not know about “Wear Purple Day”

You = accepted by the Gay community. Unfortunately, many people may have come to some assumptions about you that are not warranted. If people of your same sex were being particularly confrontational/happy, they probably mistook you for gay. Kind of like how Ryan Seacrest feels every day.


1- And knew about “Wear Purple Day”

You= Disapproved of by the gay/friends of gay community. You may just be a straight male who simply doesn’t own a purple shirt, because, well, you’re a straight male. Or, you felt as though wearing a rainbow colored shirt would be more cause-appropriate.

2- And did not know about “Wear Purple Day”

You= Disapproved of by the gay/friends of gay community, even though you may or may not have worn purple had you known about the day.

I know! This whole day seems like a mess of ambiguity and unless proper “Wear Purple Day”s are coordinated in the future, I think the gay community should stick to their ostentatious parades that leave no doubt as to who is gay, and who supports the gays.


If anyone could straighten things out, Rosie could. That pun may or may not have been intended.

3- The Rent is Too Damn High Party

No, seriously. I’m going to let Jimmy McMillan present his parties platform to you in person.

Aside from the fact that this guy is obviously insane, lies the inconvenient fact that Jimmy McMillan does not pay rent. Back in the 80s he stopped paying his landlord for his 800-a-month flat in exchange for doing handiwork around the landlords property. Clearly, this hurts some of the credibility Jimmy has in his plight to run as the people’s candidate. It’s the sort of ironic combination that occurs only in America. Like how Carrot Top is a “Comedian,” or Adrian Grenier is an “Actor.”

4- The Newest Big D Nuts Girl

Only in the UK! Just when we thought Carls Jr. commercials with babes in bikinis washing cars was bad… Big D Nuts of the UK brings us… you guessed it… ROSIE JONES! The woman who has guided you through your first Smorgasblog is actually the latest model for the British company that offers, “the nation’s best loved pub snack. Big D offers cheeky nut treats for anyone who is nuts about snacking!” You have to respect a company that has combined their product, with their name so symbiotically. What “Big D Nuts Guy” wouldn’t love this girl?

You guessed it... you can find her topless on Google.

Well that sure was fun. The SmorgasBlog will probably appear in the Revolver in the future. Rosie probably will, too. Thanks for reading. Stay tuned…


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