Two weeks back, I was sitting on a bus from New York City watching a movie on my MacBook. I just finished listening to some music on my iPod, but decided District 9 would be a better way to buy some time amidst the odd characters you find on a bus to or from New York at any time. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hipster making odd hand motions in his lap. Up and down with speed. Sweeping hand flourish to the right. “WTF is this guy doing? Conducting an orchestra in his head?” I asked myself. Then it hit me. He’s no musically gifted Juilliard student taking a bus to Brown to visit some of his fellow hipsters, and maybe even take in a Peter, Bjorn and John concert (yes I just googled “bands hipsters like”). He was a potentially ordinary hipster playing on his iPad! Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good hipster. Skinny jeans, American Spirits hanging out the back pocket, “Chucks”, Zooey Deschanel, fixed-gear bikes, girls with bicep/tricep tattoos. It’s a truly unique movement. Unfortunately, it’s one of the few movements to also adopt the iPad as its own.
Naturally, hipsters like Apple products. Apple is trendy, against the grain, and has a niche following. Unfortunately for hipsters, their secret is out. Everyone jumped on the Apple gravy train: savvy investors wanted a piece of the stock, savvy pre-pubescent girls wanted to listen to Justin Bieber all day, so they got iPods, savvy college students like myself conned their parents into getting them a Mac “because they totally don’t get viruses on college networks.” Soon enough, American society decided if you didn’t have the newest Apple products, you sucked and were poor.
God knows, Americans would rather actually be poor and in debt than have people think they were poor. How do you think our economic crisis started? Maxed out credit cards from idiots buying products like MacBook Pros they couldn’t afford, that’s how! I’m not saying Apple is the reason for the economic collapse of America, but I mean, in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon sense, they are. Throughout all this, one nerd supplanted Bill Gates as the coolest nerd in America. Only this new guy was also an asshole. This character trait catapulted him to cult hero status. No one can rally around a nice guy, but an asshole? He will lead a company to greatness. Steve Jobs did just that. Apple is worth 100 times more now, than in 2003. 100 times. 57 million to 5.7 billion. To better understand that, picture 2003 Apple being Maggie Gyllenhall, and 2010 Apple being Emmanuelle Chriqui. That’s what 100 times better LOOKS like.
Last spring when Jobs debuted his much-anticipated iPad, the cross between a laptop and an iPod, the world waited for his geekiness to amaze, once again. The only problem was, the iPad kind of sucked. Basically, if you had an iPod, and a laptop, the only thing the iPad offered was being a cool “reader.” Since we all learned back in 4th grade that reading isn’t cool, the iPad, in turn, became lame. But, it must have a nice camera, right? Wrong. No camera at all. Well, then it has free Wifi, right? Wrong. You pay for an add on. So it must support Flash player to watch stuff like Hulu, right? Wrong. No Family Guy re-runs for you. So you’re telling me all it does is download books and newspapers better than my computer, iPod, or phone? Basically. Oh yeah, it plays games. But what kind of n00b isn’t rocking a headset playing some COD, Halo or Madden? Tetris is for hipsters.
So guess who has decided to adopt the iPad as their cool device? You nailed it. Hipsters. And some rich people who flaunt their money by buying toys they don’t need. But mostly, those cutting edge hipsters. Now, the iPad is faced with an identity crisis. Sure, they invented the first relatively cool reader gadget thingy. But no one REALLY needs it. Plus, a kindle is about 500 bucks cheaper. Apple’s problem is that everyone bought their laptops and iPods and kind of yawned at something in the middle. Go big (or super portable) or go home!
Amidst all this mediocrity, Steve Jobs is pissed. When stocks fell earlier this week after a weaker than expected iPad sales number, Jobs lashed out to anybody who’d listen. Which meant millions of people listened. Basically, he took a verbal dump on every other tech company, blasting Blackberry’s maker RIM for getting outsold in phones and never being able to catch up now, and telling Google to sit on it, just because he can. But that won’t change the fact that his newest baby, the iPad, is sort of lame.
The good news? Steve Jobs saying anything is worth millions. When you’re worth Emmanuelle Chriqui dollars, and you make fun of other companies, and you are a supremely confident asshole, millions of people decide they want to bet on you. The next day, Apple’s stock was above the original price before the dip. Stuff like that makes America want an iPad again. Because, we all just want to have the coolest shit, and we may not NEED an iPad, but it’s sort of cool in a lame sense. Plus, Steve Jobs said to buy one!
In conclusion, this blog has a new goal. Make as much money being an asshole and saying things as Steve Jobs. It just won’t get typed on an iPad. Because I’ve talked to people who try typing on one and it looks like Hellen Keller’s early works.
Until then, here’s a little more Emmanuelle. Stay tuned…