Posts Tagged ‘Minka Kelly’

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March “Madness” an A Propos Name in 2011

March 15, 2011

It’s true, I just broke out my french-english on all your asses to describe the upcoming NCAA Tournament as “fitting.” Now I’m going to act chivalrous and rendezvous with all of you to share my tourney espionage work. That is literally all the french-english words I care to ever think about, since my affinity for France ends at fry or toast. Isn’t Joakim Noah French? Uff the French. But seriously, this year above all others, the one-and-done player in college basketball has finally created a bracket more “mad” and unpredictable than a Charlie Sheen orgy after banging a seven gram rock and chilling in his theater room. All day I’ve just been scouring reports on upsets, sleepers, favorites, blue-bloods, cinderellas, giants, giant killers, mid-majors, major-majors, intermediary-majors, sub-terranian-majors and every other term you can imagine to describe teams in this tournament. My head is spinning, this is the only thing that makes sense to me at this point…

I know, it's not even a random hot girl. Just this basic, nothing to write home about shot of Megan Fox looking all sweaty and perfect.

Beyond the #1 seeds, who are still vulnerable in latter rounds, I have seen legitimate arguments made for EVERY SINGLE favorite to get upset in the first round. Alas, have no fear, devout Revolver Reader! I am here to make sense of things for you… using the tried and true formula of comparing sports to hot women. I will get you through the important factors of this upcoming tournament. Because, if there’s two things I do well, one of them is dominating an NCAA bracket (or at least staying alive until the Elite 8 weekend) and the other is destroying entire tubs of hummus in a single sitting.

So now, I’m just sitting here crushing roasted red pepper hummus staring at a bracket with more cross-outs than Schindler’s List (does that joke even make sense? Did Schindler cross people off his list? Is it even his list, or is he on it? Should I watch the movie before I offend people? If it’s “Too Soon” my bad), trying to make sense of things. At this point, there’s a solid chance that I’ll be watching the first round, making comments like: “SHIT! I KNEW THEY WOULD WIN, I ENDED UP TAKING THE OTHER TEAM IN MY FINAL BRACKET, BUT AT ONE POINT, BACK IN ‘NAM, I DEFINITELY HAD THEM FILLED IN!” By now, you’re probably waiting for a hot girl comparison, so let’s get into this chinese fire drill of a basketball tournament.

THE MARISA MILLER  “DOUBLESHOTS”

The Best of the Best

Ohio State, Kansas

Just two teams get the distinction of being in the Marisa Miller group: flawless. Much like Marisa, they bring the total package to the table. It’s rare you find an inside-out threat that is so complete, but with both of these teams, their multi-faceted approach can burn you down low (Sullinger for OSU, the Morris twins for Kansas) or up top (Diebler and Buford for OSU, Morningstar and Reed for Kansas). These teams are eerily similar to the way Marisa can torture you, whether you are looking up top, or down low on her bikini, or lack thereof.

THE MINKA KELLY “MINXES”

Near-perfect, with that nagging question mark...

Duke, Pittsburgh, Notre Dame, UNC, UCONN, Purdue

Downgraded like Minka is for dating Derek Jeter, a Yankee manwhore who offers her nothing, aside from his 300+ million in career earnings, all of these teams are flawed in some way. Duke is without star frosh PG Kyrie Irving, and Kyle Singler can’t throw the ball in the ocean from the middle of a Kayak, right now. Pittsburgh doesn’t have the go-to star that is so often needed in March. Notre Dame lacks athleticism (a nice way to say they are too white) and cannot defend. North Carolina has never pieced it together all year as their supposed savior, Harrison Barnes, has only shown flashes of dominance. UConn has Kemba Walker and a bunch of question marks, plus they may be too drained after their five games in five days Big East tournament win. Purdue has the great PG in E’twaun Moore, and the top notch center in JaJuan Johnson, but the season-ending injury to sniper-wing Robbie Hummel leaves them without a solid wing option.

THE SCARLETT JOHANSSON “BOMBSHELLS”

Big names, but not going anywhere this year...

Kentucky, Florida, Syracuse, Louisville

Calipari, Donovan, Boeheim, Pitino… Johansson. Sure, the names on the jerseys and in the coaching boxes are sexy as all hell, just like Scarlett. Sure, they’ve got Final Fours, National Championships,  blue-chip recruits and talent all over, just like Scarlett. Sure, they’ll be marginally successful, just like Scarlett. But, ultimately, they’ve got too much baggage to make any real noise this year. Just like Scarlett is rebounding from a messy divorce and no truly memorable acting roles (seriously, IMDb her… weak), all of these coaches and teams are rebounding from divorces: Kentucky lost John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins and Eric Bledsoe from last year’s team. Or unmemorable performances/rosters: quick, name three players on Florida, Louisville or Syracuse. If you aren’t a big-time basketball fan, there’s no way you can do that. Even if you are, it’s only because you just watched the conference tournament games.

THE KATE UPTON “UPSTARTS”

Who?

Utah St., Belmont, Richmond, Oakland, Morehead St.

SI’s Swimsuit Edition breakout model, that’s who! Never heard of her!? Well here are some sleepers for your pool you probably haven’t heard of either… Utah St., Belmont, Richmond, Oakland and Morehead St. For the most part, just take my word on some of these teams. If you don’t want to take mine, take a bunch of experts and geeks who do NCAA analysis for a living. Utah St. was dominant all year and got seeded far lower than most expected. Belmont and Richmond are two complete teams that got unlucky with tough first-round draws (Wisconsin and Vanderbilt, respectively). Oakland (6’11” center Keith Benson) and Morehead St. (NCAA All-time Rebound leader Kenneth Faried) have legitimate NBA talents on their rosters who could dominate a first-round match-up long enough to spring the huge upset. Just like Kate Upton can dominate a swimsuit long enough to spring a huge… well, you get it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Lucy Pinder almost represented my unheard of teams, but then I realized I needed a chick hot enough to defend my genius final thoughts.

This blog honestly took more time finding appropriate hot girl-team matchups than my actual wit, so I’m going to use this space to give some final tips.

1- If your team’s best player is known as a “streetball legend” think twice before you pick them (St. John’s- Dwight Hardy). Do you want some And 1 mixtape wannabe getting called for a carry on the final possession? Didn’t think so. Quadruple-double this rule if the opposing team has a point guard who is the offspring of John Stockton (Gonzaga’s PG just so happens to be John’s son, David). If you think this rule is simply racist, well, there may be some validity, as long as Jesse Jackson is arguing for you. Otherwise, it’s simply smart.

2- When in doubt in the later rounds, take the team who will actually get to the game. I know, this sounds odd… you picked both teams to get there! But now, go back and decide who has the toughest matchups en route. If you are at a legitimate 50-50 on the game pick, pick against the team with the tougher road. It’s like when you have to decide what equally hot girl you’d rather hook up with. One is at the bar. The other requires a long cab ride with a man from Yemen. Simple choice.

3- Mascots can definitely break a tie. Seriously. You think if St. Peter’s wasn’t an abysmal 14 seed playing a ridiculously tough Purdue Boilermakers team that I’m not taking the Peacocks all day long?! You’re crazy. Seriously, how did I not go to St. Peter’s. Just Peacocking the living hell out of every day of college. Sporting technicolor button downs, silk clothing and shoes that make Liberace sweat. One solid example of the old mascot tie-breaker this year can be seen in the 6-11 matchup between Cincy and Missouri. Sure, Cincinnati is a Bearcat, but Missouri is a legitimate TIGER. An effing TIGER, bro. Not some androgynous half-bear-half-kitten made up beast. Mike Tyson has a Tiger. Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh is a Tiger (I think) and a damn G. Go Mizzou!

4- Big Men Matter. This is basketball, after all. When you were playing pickup hoops, did you take the big kid AFTER the little kid who could shoot good and do other things good, too?! Nope. You took that big sweaty kid who no one could, nor wanted to guard. In this case, Ohio State and Kansas are sporting some of the biggest kids. Dallas Lauderdale and Jared Sullinger are legit Center-Power Forward manbeasts for the Buckeyes. If you don’t trust me, just ask their equipment guy who has to wring the devil’s ass sweat out of those shorts every single day. Kansas has the Morris twins, who are a testament to modern child-birthing miracles. Seriously, if Marcus and Markieff’s mom lived during biblical ages, she would have no doubt passed out and died popping out not one, but two of these behemoths. I pray she took an epidural, got a C-section, or just transferred her womb into a massive pod, Wolverine style. Added props to Ms. Morris for naming one of them Markieff. She knew his homies would be pronouncing Markeith that way anyway, so she saved them the embarrassment.

5- Fire up the computers at work, get ready to hit the “Boss Button”, (CBS’ genius creation that quickly turns their live telecast feed into a pdf document to fake out a boss, for those who actually work) and get ready to be pissed off. This year, like no other, I predict we will see more upsets than ever. When this many marginally good, marginally bad teams are in one tournament, it’s bound to happen. Thankfully, I will know every single one of those upsets as I stroll to another bracket victory.

Stay tuned.

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The United Chile of America: Miracle at the Mine

October 14, 2010

They’re all safe! Yesterday, a billion people and I watched a bunch of dirty dudes with dirtier mustaches climb out of a tiny hole. 70 days ago, I read a story about the Chilean mine that collapsed and trapped 33 men more than 2,000 feet under a desert were they were thought to be dead. My first thought after typing that sentence is, “desert spelled with one s, because you don’t go back for seconds, it’s not ice cream or cake!” My second thought is, “how in the name of Minka Kelly’s holy body are these dudes alive?!” Sure enough, the mainstream media told me and those billion people that they are alive because Chile’s government is AWESOMEEE with all caps! You guessed it, welcome to my first politically-charged blog post.  But first… Minka…

Yeah, she's been named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive... so you should probably google her!

You see, Chile has been lauded by all the pundits since they “asked for help from anyone who would give it” in an effort to save these guys. Must be nice. When a disaster happens in the U-S of effin A, nobody flinches. Sure, England and Canada and some of the other white guys who speak funny types of English give us the obligatory “aid,” but at the end of the day, we’re on our own. Would I want it any other way? Absolutely not.

Actual depiction of Chilean Space Program.

Would Chile? Absolutely. Do we really need to applaud a country that has contributed very little to the rest of the world (not even CHILI! Their namesake)? What did these people expect the Chilean government to do? Consult their own non-existent space program? Have their own imaginary rocket scientists create a dietary plan that would keep these hombres alive? Use their own stone-age technology to create the drill bit that would dig the retrieval tunnel? Have their own highly skilled drill-man be the muchacho who guided the drill half a mile into this potential tomb? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Obviously, you know who did all of those things for Chile. There’s the Pennsylvania company that had the specialty drill (which used hammering and air-removal rather than a corkscrew drill process, that risked burying these men) within two days of the original collapse. There’s the Kansas company that devised the plan to retrieve the men. There’s the one-ton, 21” wide pod NASA created to bring these guys up. There’s the American, specialty drillman, brought in from a mission in Afghanistan to conduct the drilling itself. So naturally, after all of this, people had to bash the United States for not being able to respond quickly enough to Hurricane Katrina, or the BP Oil Spill. Let’s briefly compare the three:

Hurricane Katrina: Massive hurricane that has rarely been seen before thrashes an entire region of one of the most populated countries on earth. People die. People are hungry. Millions go homeless. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Inept fools!

BP Oil Spill: Massive oil spill that has rarely been seen before leaves a pipe gushing oil over a mile underwater. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Ignorant idiots!

San Jose Mine Collapse: 33 Guys are trapped in a hole underground. We know where they are. We are able to keep them alive with food. We need to figure out how to dig a hole and get them. US essentially figures out how. Chile is genius.

That’s right, we walked on the freaking Moon! Do we really need to measure manhood with Chile??

Clearly, there’s a double-standard here. I don’t need to go on. But I will, because another awesome thing came about. Normally, watching a bunch of guys who look exactly alike come out of a hole one-by-one, an hour at a time, isn’t great television. In this case, it was oddly mesmerizing. Along the way, some amazing stories came out of the woodwork about America saving these hombres from humble backgrounds. Here are my favorites:

Edison Pena: “The fittest of all the miners” according to one report, he ran 10 kilometers a day. Now, since I’m American I don’t know WTF a kilometer is, but it must be a lot since it made him the most fit of all these dudes. Seems kind of counter-intuitive to run an ass-ton every day while trying to survive in an 85 degree hole for over two months, but I digress. Edison also claims Elvis kept him alive when helpers were able to send down some of “The Kings”greatest tracks. He earned himself an all-expense paid trip to Graceland! Guess where Elvis is from, bitches?!

Mario Sepulveda: Did his best Terrell Owens impression upon reaching land. Running

SIGN THOSE THINGS, MARIO!!!

around, pumping up the crowd and high-fiving anything with a hand. All that was missing in his celebration dance was a sharpie being pulled from his sock and signing one of the onlooking, obese Chilean women’s breasts, followed by a 15-yard excessive celebration penalty from Ed Hochuli. You cannot tell me Mario hasn’t been inspired by “the land of the free” with his ostentatious display of grandeur. After all, no one does ostentatious displays of grandeur better than us. Can you say, “Fourth of July!?”

Esteban Rojas: This poor sap actually proposed to his wife before going to work on the mine, only to have her answer, “No, why?” Umm, I don’t know, to profess undying love and a bond through all of eternity? Anyway, once he got trapped underground, and she found out a rescue mission was underway, SHE DECIDED TO SAY YES! If you can find me anything more American than a gold-digging bitch toying with a vulnerable man, I’ll eat a crepe and wear a fedora.

CRAP! I FOUND SOMETHING! Oh wait, you didn’t find it, so I don’t have to do any of that flaming Euro garbage I just mentioned.

Yonni Barrios: The true definition of a man with American values, this crazy bastard invited both his wife AND his mistress to greet him upon leaving the mine. The wife said she had too much pride to show up knowing he invited his bang-on-the-side. Thankfully, the mistress was there, in all her beautiful obesity. So Yonni went 1-2 with a double. As so often happens in our great country, the sidepiece proves more loyal than the main squeeze. If Yonni’s not as American as apple pie… I don’t know what is.

Speaking of pie. Did anyone notice the size of every Chilean woman looking on in the crowd? Can we get a recount on the most obese country? Literally not one Chilean woman would be able to shop anywhere in the USA besides Lane Bryant and the maternity ward. Apparently, all the talent in South America ended up in Brazil. The rest of the continent is filled with chubbos who pound rice, beans and beef for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Due to a self-imposed ban on ugly chicks showing up on my blog... I give you Gisele, in all her oiled up glory.

After reading this blog, you’re probably not sure how to feel. I asked my sister if I should blog about Chile today and she gave me the “out of toilet paper” look and questioned whether it was too soon. Obviously, upon observing her initial reaction, I had to do it. Nothing bad happened. This meant it was open season on making fun of Chilean porn stashes and the gargantuan women they so easily seduce. Just know one thing, the “miracle at the mine” was only made possible because of one thing: a drill stamped MADE IN THE USA.