Posts Tagged ‘Bill Belichick’

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Super Blog XLVI: 25 Thoughts on the Biggest Game, Ever

February 5, 2012

The G.O.A.T. with a goat.

For the last two weeks my life has been one big attempt at distracting myself from this Super Bowl. Essentially that meant an inordinate amount of listening to Rick Ross and hoping I didn’t end up offending one of my black roommates. (editor’s note: Rick Ross lit’rally IS the fine line between genius an insanity: “have you ever made love to the woman of your dreams in a room full of money out in London while she screams?” Dude is molten lava). Of course, this distraction couldn’t possibly last, as I have devoured every single article written about the Super Bowl, the players, the player’s wives, the player’s side pieces and any factoid to grace the covers of ESPN, NFL, SI, or other acronym which covers sports on the interwebs. Fortunately for you, all you have to read is this one blog. I have no idea how to present this information to you, but I imagine this will turn into some sort of list involving the biggest story lines and players, videos, quotes, and my own anecdotes which I’ll number by using Roman numerals, because they are both fancy, and used by the NFL to denote its most important game. How’s that for clairvoyance? What’s clairvoyance? Shut up and watch the G.O.A.T. swag all over Carnival!

I.

II. Gronk Will Play, Duh: This is the Super Bowl. Something like a little high ankle sprain isn’t stopping the Gronk any more than one of the defenders constantly being dragged and emasculated all over the field by him. It’s simple, true champions play through injuries. Time for an anecdote: Last week, I’m in the middle of my own personal Super Bowl: murdering a dance floor double-dutch. Just as I’m going straight Harlem playground on this thing, I slip due to wet game conditions (spilled drink) and Gronk the living shit out of my ankle. Running on pure adrenaline, and whiskey, I head to the locker room (bar), get a shot (not Cortisone), compose myself (chase with beer), and get back on the field (dance floor).

The point here is simple. The human body is an amazing machine. You all saw Gronk back on the field just moments after having the ball of his ankle rolled onto the turf like he was a double-jointed circus freak. Thing is, Gronk IS a circus freak, and I think you’ll see him play like it. The far bigger question to Gronk’s health is whether he misses the game Sunday because he’s contracted the burn from one of the multitude of war pigs he ran through this week in Indy without wearing his helmet (non-football related).

III. Gronk and this Blogger Had a Moment: This has nothing to do with the Super Bowl, but I’m already concerned about getting 25 topics, so I’m including an even better anecdote than the one that just happened. Last Halloween, the Patriots were at Howl at the Moon in Boston and Gronk rolled up dressed up as Gronk. I was obviously the Tea Party, and Gronk misconstrued this as it being my birthday (due to my party hat) when I went up to him to say “what up, Gronk?” Next thing I know, Gronk is ordering a round of shots for Julian Edelman, Alge Crumpler, and ME. I’m smitten as all hell and go to take the glass from him when Gronk goes, “What?! Nah bro, I’m feeding this to you! No homo.” At which point, he grabs the glass, pushes my head back and feeds me the shot, wishing me a happy birthday. At that moment I knew we had drafted an overgrown fratboy man-child who had become my favorite Boston athlete (besides Tom). If you don’t believe this story, that’s cool, Gronk and I don’t even care.

IV. The Giants are Dumb Lucky: Can we just clear the air here? If not for a dropped interception, followed by the most impossible catch in the history of the sport, Eli Manning is still just a middling quarterback with a career passer rating of 82. If not for two muffed punts in the NFC Championship game, Eli Manning has no chance now at a second Super Bowl ring and being talked about as a potential Hall of Famer. Look it up, he’s a career 82.0 passer.

V. The Patriots are Pretty Lucky, Too!: Let’s get this all out of the way. Tuck rule. There, now we’re even going into this Super Bowl on the luck thing.

VI. Tom Brady’s Legacy: Cemented as the NFL’s G.O.A.T. with his 4th Super Bowl win.

VII. Tom Brady’s Legacy: Should not be tarnished by a loss in this game. He has led the worst defense to ever make a Super Bowl. Saying he sucks, and is overrated and lucky will only make you look like a New York sports fan, which is rarely a good look.

VIII. But Seriously, Let’s End the QB Debate: Eli Manning is an 82 career passer! This just continues to blow my mind that some “experts” are actually giving the Giants the edge at quarterback in this game. That doesn’t even include the heresy going on by speaking ill of Tom. Eli had two surefire picks dropped last game because the 49ers defenders like to run into each other. As I said earlier, he threw a pick on the final drive of the last Super Bowl, only nobody told Asante Samuels’ hands about it. Tom Brady is coming off a season in which he threw for the second most yards, ever. He threw six less interceptions than Manning, and 10 more touchdowns, yet because Manning sucked for three quarters all year and played well in 4th quarters, he’s hot. That’s all fine, too. If you’re a Giants fan and you honestly trust Eli Manning in this game, you’re lying to yourself, or you’re my buddy Joey Z, a Giants “fanatic” who I’m positive can’t name their starting cornerbacks, or one of their O Linemen. But I know one thing: Patriots defenders are rarely near each other, so Eli better be careful, because we can’t possibly run  into each other to break up our own interceptions. Watch the tape. Our defenders are rarely even defending.

IX. Wes Welker’s Sidepiece is About to be his Wife, Which is Just Plain Smart

Anna Burns: former Hooters girl, current Viagra replacement.

X. The Game’s Biggest X Factor for the Patriots: See what I did there with the numeral we are on and the topic for it? Anyway, I think the biggest X Factor in this game for the Patriots will be Defensive Ends Rob Ninkovich/Mark Anderson. Remember in the first Super Bowl win for the Pats, when Mike Vrabel rushed from the edge, forcing Kurt Warner into throwing the pick six to Ty Law? Easily the biggest play of that Super Bowl, and the difference in the game. If the Pats can get something like this, or maybe a strip sack scoop-and-score, it will be the difference.

XI. X Factor for the Giants: Mario Manningham. The third head of their “three-headed monster” at Wide Receiver, Manningham is more accurately a wide receiver who catches some touchdowns but rarely impacts the game between the 20s. He has three touchdowns in three playoff games, but just eight total catches and 116 yards in that span. Calling him a monster, or even, marginally difficult to defend is like calling Chad Ochocinco a serviceable wide receiver (who almost made my X Factor for the Patriots because he actually played last time these teams met and burned the Giants for a touchdown that Brady underthrew).

XII. I’m really not sure what happens to numerals in the high-teens. We’ll see. 

XIII. Jason Pierre Paul is a Fool: Look dude, I know your dad is blind, so you may have felt the need to talk more than usual so he knew you were playing in the Super Bowl this week, but why would you give Brady extra motivation? I know everyone tries downplaying this stuff by saying, “It’s the Super Bowl, he shouldn’t need any extra motivation” but that’s like saying guys don’t have extra motivation to hook up with girls when they see them in yoga pants. Sure, you don’t NEED the extra motivation, but it still exists. As soon as Jason Pierre Paul said Tom Brady isn’t God, this Super Bowl put yoga pants on (is your mind blown?). Which is ironic, because I’m pretty sure God made Tom Brady, football, and Yoga pants as man’s ultimate purpose in life. If this next picture is porn, my bad.

If you need a break to just google "girl in yoga pants" that's cool, bro.

XIV. Best Fact of the Week’s Research: Unrelated to anyone in this game, but this is a line in Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia regarding the murder trial he was a part of:  “The white suit Lewis was wearing the night of the killings has never been found.” Umm, duh? Murder 101 says once you stab a dude in his face and he ruins your white suit, you burn those threads. Blood stains hard, no matter how tirelessly the Vietnamese dry cleaner down the street tinkers with it.

XV. Bill Belichick Coaches Football Good: In case you didn’t know. Dude wins like, almost all the football games he coaches. I’m not googling his career record with the Patriots because it would embarrass Tom Coughlin. Speaking of which…

XVI. Wasn’t This Guy Getting Fired? So the Giants go on a nice run down the stretch, save Tom Coughlin his job, then win some playoff games, and now he’s a win away from going to the Hall of Fame? Gosh, two weeks is way too long to give sports writers time to make shit up.

XVII. I’m Watching this Game at Home: Last time we played the Giants in the Super Bowl, I was this cool as hell 21 year-old who was getting a keg with his friends to party and watch the game. That ended with me doing a misery drowning keg stand after the game which I may still be drunk from. This game, I’m back in my living room at home, where three previous Patriots Super Bowls were won.

XVIII. If You Don’t Think I’m Eating Hummus: During the Drafting of this Blog, You Don’t Know Jack.

XIX. This Clown is Supposed to Beat Tom Brady Twice?!?! 

XX. Kelly Clarkson Singing National Anthem: Too soon that I gave her the “XX” numeral because it’s already on all her clothes? Cheap joke, but I’m cheap, so we’re cool.

XXI. Sucks to Be Peyton Manning This Week, Huh? Poor bro is just lying around all half-paralyzed because his neck exploded while his little brother and arch nemesis get elbow deep in his city, and the stadium he built. Brady is just abusing Peyton’s locker, draping his loin-towel all over Manning’s face, splashing on Stetson cologne and leaving UGG mocassins at their altar. It wouldn’t shock me if Brady snuck Gisele in for a quick trip to plowtown at the 50.

XXII. When The Patriots Have the Ball: Expect the offense to be in the hurry up more than ever to keep the Giants vaunted pass rush off their game. The offensive line has been great lately, and if Brady has time, you could see a classic surgical effort in this game. I also think we are going to see some sort of trick play that has been rarely employed this year by the Pats offense. You’ll remember in some of their earlier Super Bowl runs, reverses and even flea flickers factored in to stretch the field. Could Julian Edelman, a college quarterback turned wideout turned defensive back throw a pass?!

XXIII. When the Giants Have the Ball: Expect it to move down the field, quickly. The Patriots defense is improving, but is still a sieve, and reliant on big turnovers and red zone defense. Victor Cruz should be targeted plenty while Hakeem Nicks will try to take the top of the defense. Eli could put up big numbers, but it will be key for the Pats secondary to capitalize on his mistakes, which he is sure to make, as evidenced by the rest of his career.

XXIV. Red Zone Decides the Game: This should be a high scoring affair with teams moving the ball easily, so work done by both sides inside the red zone will likely decide the final outcome. I obviously pre-gamed for the Super Bowl by eating chinese food and watching “A Football Life: Bill Belichick.” In it, he makes a few things quite clear, one being that play in the “red area” gets the exclamation point-underline in his game plans. Additionally, after watching this, how do you not love what a crazy bastard Belichick is? 

XXV. Final Prediction: I just got back from church with my family. I slept on this prediction, prayed for Tom’s health like Gisele asked in her e-mail to our inner circle, and am now fully prepared to break down exactly what will happen in this game. Brady and Eli will both easily throw for 300+ yards. Welker and Cruz will both go over 100. Giants defensive linemen will sack Brady twice. Patriots defensive linemen will sack Manning thrice. Brady will not throw an interception. Manning will throw one. Neither running game will matter in the end, but Woodhead will pick up a few huge first downs because a bear cannot hug a mouse, and that’s what tackling him is like. So far, everything seems pretty close. Unfortunately, that’s before Myra Kraft smiles down upon the field in the fourth quarter. Eli’s pick will come in the end of the game, and give Brady the ball with the score tied and 2:08 remaining. After a methodical drive where Brady is his surgical self, he’ll find Gronk who drags three Giants into the end zone, spikes the ball, and has his ankle disintegrate. Belichick and Brady seal their history with a kiss, and Gisele dances like there’s no tomorrow. I finally recover from the loss in 2008, which marked a quarter life crisis that until now, I have been unable to recover from. FINAL SCORE: Patriots 31, Giants 24. 

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Patriots 38, Eagles 21 (Embarrassed, mostly)

November 29, 2011

Belichick just consistently winning.

Going into this game, you had to like New England’s chances no matter
who started at Quarterback  for the Eagles. One guy literally ran a
dogfighting ring in his backyard, while the other quit on his team
last year, and nearly required an Amber alert when nobody could find
him, and friends thought him to be suicidal. In the old 50/50
psychopath coin flip, the Patriots landed on Vince Young. For the
record, we have a QB who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic (if you’re not
familiar with the test, think one of those annoying internet IQ pop up
ads, for a 4th grader) versus Bill Belichick… arguably the greatest
football mind, ever. This was like Ken Jennings going up against that
supercomputer, Watson, and not even being able to buzz in because it’s
so rigged. Yes, that’s the first and last time Vince Young is Ken
Jennings in any analogy.

Two plays after thinking that, Vince obviously lobbed a 60 yard tear
drop from God himself onto the fingertips of Riley Cooper to set up
the Eagles first touchdown of the day.

After the opening drive stalled on third down by the Pats, it got me
thinking, “Didn’t we use to score a touchdown on opening drives like,
all the time?” Then I thought, “Do we ever do that any more?!” Sure
enough, the Patriots have not scored a touchdown on their opening
drive of the game since week 4 against Oakland (9 plays, 80 yards).
Since then, the Pats have only scored two touchdowns in all the first
quarters of all their games. The 2011 Patriots offense is the 2007
Patriots offense, with a new ignition. Once it gets going, it can
still hum like the old Ferrari in the garage, you just have to worry
that early deficits catch up to this team in the playoffs.

Dan Dierdorff kept describing hits on Brady as, “paying the price for
delivering that throw,” while replays showed Tom being wrapped up and
gently laid upon the grass. Color commentators nowadays love
galvanizing any player/play as games go along. Has Roger Goodell taken
his fuhrer status to the level of spreading the propaganda that no
matter what happens on a football field, it is exciting and
hard-hitting? I’m also tired of hearing how every punk in the league
has matured and truly loves the game. Vince Young apparently did this
over the off-season.

The offside/false start debate has gotten out of control. Philadelphia
dove onto an unhiked ball and it took a minute for the refs to sort
out the penalty. Do these refs really forget why they threw the flag
just because one team is pointing at the other guy?

Benjarvus Green-Ellis is the anti-Maroney if I’ve ever seen it. He
never loses yards, and almost always puts his head down and gets his 4
yards, as evidenced on the Patriots first TD drive capped by, you
guessed it a 4 yard TD run. Sorry about the 4 yard repetitiveness, but
CBS also flashed Benjarvus’ game stats after the drive: 10 rushes for
41 yards. Yup, a 4.1 yard per carry average. On the season, he’s at
3.9 yards per carry, and for his career he currently sits at 4.1.
Sure, he rarely breaks a big run, but with the Patriots passing game
the offense only needs consistency on the ground.

In the second quarter, some dude named Tiquan Underwood, who we signed
because Ochozero was inactive, dropped a wide open touchdown. He
apparently plays football professionally, and somehow smiled his way
back to the huddle. Which is interesting, because I doubt he smiles
when he finds the pink slip in his locker this week.

On the very next play Brady slid in the pocket, directed Branch
mid-route, and hit him along the sidelines uncovered, to walk in for
the touchdown… only it’s not 2004, and Deion Branch now rumbles down
the sidelines like Vince Wilfork trapped in a skinny wide receiver’s
body, so he cuts and trucks and falls to the one yard line.
Thankfully, Benjarvus strolled into the end zone on the next play,
hurting his 4 yard-per-carry average, but getting him a touchdown.

After a sideline interception, New England drove downfield only to
have a long third down pass go through Wes Welker’s hands. This led to
a 39 yard FG for Gostkowski, which he promptly pushed wide, leading to
a Tom Brady sideline triple-swear consisting of the one that rhymes
with hit, followed by a double F-bomb. Stephen Gostkowski has become
the Jonathan Papelbon of the Patriots. If your heart isn’t in your
throat every time he comes on the field (including PATs) you’ve got
better blood pressure than me.

Tom and Wes made their third TD drive much easier… Brady play action,
Welker undresses a cornerback, wide open touchdown strike. Nnamdi
Asomugha may have been hampered by injury, and mostly used to cover
Gronkowski underneath, but the Eagles secondary somehow managed to
look worse than the Patriots in this game.

Vince Young marched Philly right down field before the halftime
two-minute warning, gouging the Patriots secondary with the same exact
play four times in the drive. Yet, in classic Belichick
bend-but-don’t-break fashion, DeSean Jackson had a wide open touchdown
go off his hands because he had T-Rex arms anticipating a big hit. One
obvious about Jackson (and the reason he didn’t get a huge contract in
the off-season) he’s unreal in the open field, but he’s a different
player going across the middle. He also ended up getting benched in
the fourth quarter because of plays like this.

For all their troubles on opening drives of the game, the Patriots
were surgical driving downfield to open the half. Brady moved so
quickly down field one of the Eagles D-Linemen went down with a calf
cramp. To me, this is always one of the funniest sights on a football
field: a 300 pound man crippled by a calf cramp and tapping the muscle
as his leg flails out, unbending from pain as he screams for, “The
little white dude who rubs these things out!”

The second half turned into such a boring blowout that Gronk forgot to
be excited on his fourth quarter touchdown. After nonchalantly walking
towards teammates, it looked like someone had to remind him about his
signature spike.

Losing yesterday and dropping to 4-7 ended any hope the Eagles had at
the playoffs. After beating the rival Giants last week, it was
shocking how quickly the team quit yesterday. Andy Reid has earned the
right after 13 yearsto walk away from this mess of a team after the
season.

New England will be hard-pressed to lose a game the rest of the
season. These next five weeks against Indianapolis, Washington,
Denver, Miami, Buffalo and the Sisters of the Poor should be spent
getting healthy, fine-tuning the offensive problems early, and the
secondary problems always.

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Tom Brady Playing Madden, in the NFL

September 21, 2011

Two games: 940 passing yards, seven touchdowns. No, these aren’t the stats of my last two online Madden games (I’d clearly top those, let’s get real) they are real life NFL stats. Easily the top story in the NFL that nobody seems to be talking about is the dismantling of opposing defenses at the gilded hands of Sir Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. (knighted in [New] England for his play. This parenthetical usage got awkward when I had to use a bracket, most likely improperly, to leave out the “New.” If you’re counting; including that semicolon, there have been six different grammatical conventions used inside these curvatures). Each pass seems to be guided by Hermes, Greek god of flight, as the ball nestles into receiver’s bosoms en route to first down after first down, resulting in touchdown. For whatever reason, the media and experts seem to have glanced over Brady’s two-week feat like a pubescent teen seeing an article in Playboy (as opposed to a grown man, who obviously reads Playboy for the articles).

Any time I can get a Playboy reference into a football blog, you know Sara Jean Underwood's cover is coming next...

The numbers are staggering, mind-boggling, obnoxious or any other expression synonymous for “insane as Van Gogh on an acid trip.” Referencing an artist is no coincidence. Tom Brady has been making the Mona Lisa look average (sidenote: the Mona Lisa is a pretty average-to-ugly chick. Does anyone know how it’s the most popular, highest insured painting ever? Like, you’re at a bar, Mona’s just sitting there, hands on her lap, and she isn’t getting two looks from anyone but your fat, blacked out friend who is convinced she’s smirking at him). Brady is throwing at such an indorinate amount of yards, he could be held to just fourteen in his upcoming matchup with the Bills and STILL be on pace to break Dan Marino’s single-season passing yards record.

For whatever reason, and perhaps it’s just my New England bias, Peyton Manning’s neck, Michael Vick’s concussion, Tony Romo’s lung, or Cam Newton’s 0-2 record have captured all the story lines in the NFL. Meanwhile, all Brady’s done is win AFC Offensive Player of the Week honors in back-to-back weeks. With Buffalo, (who just allowed 35 points to Jason Campbell’s Raiders) next on the leger, a three-peat of that award should shock no one. The question that needs to be asked is: are we about to see the best offensive performance EVER by a football team? Here are five reasons why the answer is yes.

1: Nobody has ever played QB better.

Tom Brady has a home winning streak (29 games)  that makes Charlie Sheen look like a loser. In his last 10 regular season games, he has had a QB rating of 110 or better in all but one. That ONE being a 107 in a 34-3 win against Buffalo where he threw three touchdowns and no picks. In Dan Marino’s record-setting yardage (5,084) and touchdown season (48, since broken by Manning then Brady), he had a 100+ rating in 9 of his 16 games.

2. The Patriots Defense Sucks

While Brady has been the gold-standard for quarterback statistics, the Patriots defense has tried their best to make opponents look as good. In two weeks, Brady, with his ridiculous numbers has only thrown for 144 more yards than his defense has allowed. This means you better get used to offensive explosions that would make Michael Bay proud. It’s not absurd to think Brady has many more 400+ yards games in his back pocket, as the last game against San Diego, he went the entire third quarter with just two possessions, one being a three and out.

3. Don’t Worry- Opposing Defenses Suck, Too!

That little lockout thing really got in the way of defenses being able to come together as units. Every team in the league is throwing the ball all over the place. Four different Quarterbacks not named Brady are also on pace to break Marino’s record. Cam Newton, the rookie phenom who critics said couldn’t throw at the NFL level, has only gone out and thrown for 422 and 432 yards respectively in his two times stepping onto an NFL field. Ryan Fitzpatrick (Bills) and Matthew Stafford (Lions) are tied with Brady for the NFL lead in touchdown passes, and best record of 2-0. Nothing seems to be making much sense. The outlier here is that you could see this coming from Brady, not the rest of the league.

4. Patriots Receivers are Really, Really Good

New England is the only team in the league without a dropped pass. Wes Welker and Deion Branch, neither of whom tops 5’9”, are both averaging over 100 yards receiving per game. Hybrid Tight End Aaron Hernandez is splitting wide like a receiver and burning secondaries just as quickly, with two scores and an over 80 yards per game average. Behemoth Tight End Rob Gronkowski leads the NFL in touchdown receptions, tweets at Kate Upton–> http://bit.ly/p9rg2G, attendance at frat parties–> http://bit.ly/lL7yWY, and you guessed it, he’s in the top 20 with the above players in yards receiving. This hasn’t even brought us to Chad Ochocinco, the most well-known Patriot receiver. Ocho should finally know the playbook by Week 5, once he’s done tweeting his every move and buying his gold-digging fiancee, Evelyn Lozado, the stuff Antoine Walker could no longer afford. The scariest part here, is that Brady hasn’t even clicked with all his weapons. Additionally the offense has looked rusty on some of their wide receiver/running back screens that normally gouge defenses at key points.

5. Bill Belichick

We saw it in 2007, and we are about to see it this year. Not necessarily the 16-0 record, because this defense won’t be good enough, but definitely the unconscionable ability to show no mercy on a scoreboard. At this point in both Brady and Belichicks careers, they have seen everything, heard all the detractors, and decided to flip them the finger, in unison. If you don’t think records mean anything to Bill and Tom, just look at the way scores were run up in that 2007 season while Brady ran play action at the 1 yard line for TDs. Belichick is a football historian, and he knows full well the records within the team’s grasp this season.

Not to mention Kate Upton within Gronk's grasp.

Stay tuned…

 

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Brady vs. Manning? Easy Answer

January 10, 2011

The NFL playoffs just got a whole less ugly. The Mannings, are out. First, the Giants choked their way out of a playoff bid, sparing us the sulking sour puss of Eli Manning. Then, the NFL’s golden child, Peyton Manning, could not guide his team past a lackluster toe-suck effort against the Jets. Just like that, all the attention of irate fans has been turned on Tom Brady. Suddenly, ignorance is flowing like the beer consumption at a kegger. “Whatever, the Jets are gonna smack the Patriots, Tom Brady sucks! He’s a system quarterback! Rex will figure him and Belichick out!” Laughable, I know, but also true. The problem is, when I see these blasphemous status updates of my friends, who don’t know a nickelback from the band “Nickelback”, I can’t blame them. At least not entirely. I blame the analysts on  national networks who keep up the charade of comparing Tom Brady to Peyton Manning for all these years and for all the ratings.

Total bad ass. Just cruising around Central Park, shredding pavement with his Razor. Ready to roll to another Super Bowl?

Now as I’m sure you all know, based on the wonderful analysis of ex-NFL players, and Chris Berman’s guidance, that Peyton Manning has the stats, while Brady has the championships. But when you take a look at these stats, you find out much more. First, Manning has thrown 2,500 more passes in his career, so you cannot compare raw numbers. When you compare statistics based on yards per attempt, QB rating, and TD:INT ratio, you get these two lines for their careers…

Brady: 7.4 yards per attempt, 95.2 QB Rating, 2.6:1 TD/INT ratio

Manning: 7.6 Yards per attempt, 94.9 QB Rating, 2:1 TD/INT ratio

Based on those simple numbers, you can see that Brady is a tick better in QB Rating, and considerably better in the amount of touchdowns he throws per interception. Manning averages a fraction more yards per attempt, but it would seem to be negligible. Two-tenths of a yards is 7.2 inches after all. My head hurts from mental math, so I’m going to get back to easier stats. It seems the thesis of all those moronic Brady haters (who probably don’t know what a thesis is) rests at: “He’s a system quarterback. He never throws the ball more than five yards. Manning can at least throw the ball down the field.”

Sorry. That’s just not true. If the “system” you’re referencing that Brady runs is the West Coast offense, then yes, it’s true he is a system quarterback. That’s like calling Bar Rafaeli pretty, because she is a byproduct of a “system” in which she wears a bikini, professionally. If that’s true for any girl, my time at a beach would be much more enjoyable. However, since half the offenses in the NFL run some form of a pass-heavy West Coast offense, the first part of your argument is invalid. Jay Cutler in a bikini or running the West Coast offense is still ugly. The opposite of Bar Rafaeli in her bikini.

Consider this the football equivalent of a West Coast offense guided by Tom Brady. Thank you, Bar, for the visual aid.

If Brady not being able to “throw the ball more than five yards” is the next part of your argument, you’re more wrong than a Super Bowl 4th quarter pick six to Tracy Porter . Here are two mystery players statistics over the past six full seasons as NFL Quarterbacks.

Player A: 20+ Yard Completions: 309, 40+ Yard Completions: 63

Player B: 20+ Yard Completions: 293, 40+ Yard Completions: 46

That’s right. Your stomach just dropped when you realized Tom Brady is player A. The man who never throws a pass more than five yards somehow, miraculous as it may seem, has completed more deep passes than Archie’s prodigal son over those last six full seasons. Now, I’m about to compare postseasons, but you can imagine it’s only getting uglier for Peyton’s apologists.

Brady is 14-4 in his postseason career, with three Super Bowls. Peyton is 9-10 in his postseason career, with one Super Bowl. Manning has thrown 29 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. Brady has thrown one less touchdown and five less interceptions, in one less game. I’m going out on a limb and assuming Brady won’t throw five picks against the Jets on Sunday, since he only threw four all season.

Peyton can't bare to watch the gap widen.

What shouldn’t be lost in this blog, is that I don’t think Manning is a bad quarterback. Far from it. It’s just that he’s not on Brady’s level. Sure, Manning has done amazing things in his NFL career. He’s also done it with two hall of fame wide receivers in Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, and a potential hall of fame tight end in Dallas Clark. Brady? He had hall of famer Randy Moss for two full seasons (not including Brady’s lost year for ACL surgery, or Moss’ being traded this season). Otherwise, Brady has thrown to guys like David Patten, Troy Brown, Deion Branch, David Givens, Donte Stallworth, Jabar Gaffney, Daniel Graham, Ben Watson, Wes Welker, and the rest of the 2010 misfits turned stars, like Danny Woodhead. Sure, all those wide receivers had very productive years with the Patriots, but once Brady got them their stats, and another team made them rich with a big contract, we rarely heard from them again. Just ask Deion Branch how much easier it is to be a wide receiver with Tom Brady delivering perfect passes to your chest.

When this post-season is all said and done, Brady may be a four-time Super Bowl champion. He will almost definitely be named the 2010 NFL Regular Season MVP, his second. That’s one department Peyton does have Tom beat. Manning’s four regular season MVP awards trump Brady. But if you think Peyton Manning is more valuable than Tom Brady, you’re dead wrong. Look at the stats. Look at the records. Look at the wins and losses. Look at the supermodel wife. No matter how you cut it, Brady beats Manning.

How can you beat this?

Stay tuned…

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Rex Ryan Swallows Bill Belichick’s Rings, Whole.

December 7, 2010

If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t been watching the Bill Belichick era of the New England Patriots. If you thought the Jets may hang around last night, you haven’t been watching. If you thought this game would resemble anything close to the first meeting in September, you haven’t been watching. If you thought Mark Sanchez’s status as a sex symbol could ever rival that of Tom Brady’s, you must be Mexican. In what can only be described as football genocide, the New England Patriots went out last night and disgraced the New York Jets worse than the high school offensive line holding down the freshman kicker and forcing phallic objects inside of him. Rex Ryan may be the NFL’s coaching jester, but Bill Belichick is still royalty.

This all started two years ago, when the Jets named Ryan their new head coach. During Ryan’s first press conference, he announced that he wasn’t going to kiss Belichick’s rings. Since then, the New York and national

When you need suspenders, you've eaten too much over multiple decades.

media have developed a weird crush on a fat ugly guy with what appear to be false teeth, but could just have Mormon lineage. Since then, Ryan has basically been a buffoon of Chris Farley’s ilk, yucking, guffawing and even wearing costumes and wigs to make fun of his own brother during press conferences. Along the way, he has taken repeated shots at the enormous, three-time championship winning dynasty of an elephant in his division. His most recent comment leading up to the Monday Night Genocide read: “I came here to win. As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that’s the truth. That’s just the way it is.”

In classic Belichick fashion, he didn’t take the reporters bait, but instead made everyone else in the room feel inferior. Sort of like every other coach in the league. “That’s what we’re here for. Is that a news story? Is that something you didn’t know? Patriots and Jets want to win the game? I’m not surprised that they expect to win the game, they’re confident, so are we,” Belichick responded with the wryest of smiles. As soon as that press conference aired, I knew the game was a lock. What I didn’t know is how ugly things would get for the Jets.

All you needed to know about Ryan’s strategy last night, and confidence in his team, could be seen on the Jets opening drive. On 3rd and 1 after a failed sneak by Sanchez, Ryan challenged the spot that seemed to be clearly short. After losing the challenge bringing up 4th and 1, the Jets went for it inside their own territory. Sure, they picked it up, but that is not how a confident team plays in the NFL. They punt, pin the opponent back and let their defense (which Rex calls the best greatest most amazing defense, probably, of all-time: past, present and future) do their jobs. After a hooked field goal that didn’t reach the uprights, Tom Brady took over and engineered a 4th and 3 slant to Deion Branch that put the Patriots up 10-0. Not only did they never look back, the Patriots stepped on the gas and headed for the border (which is where Sanchez should have gone to avoid this abortion).

 

Tehehehe. Too soon?

When it was all over, the Patriots won 45-3. It felt more like 450-3. Brady amassed 326 yards, 4tds, obviously 0 picks, and one more virtuoso performance against a team that pissed him and his coach off. Mark Sanchez looked like a virgin at a Vivid shoot, throwing up a 0 TD, 3 INT game. But don’t think I’m just being tough on Sanchez, because from top to bottom, the Jets resembled the sisters of the poor. Even their first punt of the night was a shank job that went about 12 yards, which if you weren’t sure, isn’t good.

The best Jets player last night is actually a Patriot. Danny Woodhead went through training camp with the Jets until they decided he wasn’t good enough to play for them. Too small. Not strong enough. Perfect for Bill Belichick. All Woodhead did was lead the Patriots in receiving yards against his old team with 104. Amongst all the huge physical specimens on the Jets roster, a 5’7” white boy from division II Chadron St. in Nebraska made them all look foolish. It was like watching a bear try to hug a mouse every time Woodhead ran with the ball. You can imagine Belichick broke out that wry smile more than once last night.

This is the sight that has millions of males across New England wishing they could get some Woodhead.

If you’re looking for good news as a Jets fan, you can find solace in the fact that you won’t have to play New England until next season. This team has struggled for weeks, “finding ways to win” against weak opponents that should probably more accurately be described as “having a horseshoe up their sphincter.” This Jets team doesn’t rush the passer, they give up a lot of yards, and their Quarterback is still wet behind the ears (that’s not a Mexican joke, it’s an age joke). None of that wins in December and January.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are only getting better week-to-week. Their defense which ranked last in most yardage statistics coming into last night is starting to gel. They are young, but they make big plays, and the Patriots rarely lose a turnover battle (thanks to Brady, and the fact that Benjarvus Green-Ellis has still yet to fumble in his NFL career). The offense is clicking on all cylinders now that Brady and the Pats are back to playing midget-ball sans Randy Moss. The aformentioned Green-Ellis and Woodhead have actually turned into arguably the most successful two-back tandem in the league (seriously?! Yes).

After last night, It's official, the hair is gorgeous.

If that’s not enough, there’s always that one kicker in the Patriots hand. Bill Belichick. Love him or hate him, he always gets seems to get the last smirk.

Oh yeah, here’s Marissa Miller. The only girl worthy of the Patriots performance last night.

Just give me the Woodhead!

Stay Tuned…

h1

The End of a Supafreak

October 6, 2010

I woke up and my phone was already buzzing. After going to bed hearing about the Randy Moss rumors, my stomach dropped. “He’s gone” I said to myself. The man who once told a reporter that rich people don’t write checks, they pay in “straight cash, homie,” the man whose self-proclaimed nickaname of “Supafreak” said in twanged West Virginian-accent, is gone.

This image has been Patriots fans Mona Lisa, since 2007. Now, we look to Danny Woodhead for salvation.

Sure enough, friends were lining up to do their best Adam Schefter and break the news that Moss had been traded back to his original team, the Vikings, for a third-round pick. Yes, the greatest wide receiver of all-time not named Jerry Rice, just got traded for a third-round pick. Tom Brady now has a bunch of little white athletic guys to throw the ball to. In case you weren’t sure, having a bunch of little white guys to throw the ball to in a sport dominated by enormous athletic guys isn’t the best thing to have.

The silver lining is supposed to be that now, in this year’s draft, the Patriots will have two picks in rounds 1-3. Unfortunately, this forced me to do some research to make sure my first thought was right. “Wait, since we won our last super bowl, have we even drafted anyone in rounds 1-3 who has become a star for the team?”  Depending on your definition of “star” the answer is a resounding, no. The part that is especially sickening is the type of talent available in the 3rd round, which is the pick we’ve acquired for Moss.

From 2005-2009 our lists of guys drafted in round 1-3 looks like this:

2005:

Logan Mankins- OG (Rd1): Became a semi-star, and since he did, we’ve obviously refused to give him a contract extension. Now, the team hasn’t spoken to Mankins since the season began and his career is over in New England. Thanks for the 5 years, Logan.

Ellis Hobbs- DB (Rd3): In 2007, We got to see the back of his jersey as he chased down a wide open Plaxico Burress in the end zone for the go-ahead TD in the Super Bowl that ruined the perfect season. I hate you, Ellis Hobbs. That play marked the downturn in my life I have still not recovered from. At least he’s off the team.

Nick Kaczur- OG (Rd3) Serviceable offensive lineman. Not quite Randy Moss. There’s always next year.

2006:

Laurence Maroney- RB (Rd 1) Do I even need to comment on this tap-dancing, dreadlocked loser who became the master of falling backwards at the end of runs as opposed to falling forward for an extra yard. He got traded earlier this season for basically nothing. The only good news is he’s still the same runner in Denver as he was here. Google “waste of a first-rounder” and you get Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, and Laurence Maroney.

Chad Jackson- WR (Rd 2) We traded up for this guy in 2006. In 2007, I was at a college Holiday Date party and he was there with one of the girls. Needless to say, he was off the team by 2008. When I am at a college holiday date party with your second round draft pick, you probably messed up that pick. (Side note: I may or may not have had too much egg nog and questioned why Chad had yet to make any type of impact with the team, and how it was even possible he was out at this party on a Saturday night before the teams game the next day.

Dave Thomas- TE (Rd 3) Not the owner of Wendy’s, who may have been a better choice since he probably would have re-signed Randy Moss. This Dave Thomas played a couple forgetful seasons before being traded and winning a Super Bowl with the Saints. I have seen Baconators do worse damage to men than this guy on a football field.

2007:

Brandon Meriweather- SS (Rd 1) One of the only true playmakers on the team actually made the Pro Bowl last season. Unfortunately, the guy who was red-flagged coming out of college for being one of the Miami players caught stomping on the legs of FIU players during a brawl, has regressed. He has already been benched for parts of the 2010 season for inconsistent play. One big bonus to having Meriweather on your team: he is loyal. Aside from the stomping, he carried red-flags coming into the league because he also carried handguns. Back in college, he defended one of his teammates by firing that handgun at a group of men. If only guns were allowed on the field, Meriweather wouldn’t be so damn inconsistent.

No Other picks between rounds 2-3 because the Pats were trading away towards the future… more on that later.

2008:

Jerod Mayo- MLB (Rd 1): The best player on our defense, he has panned out. Unfortunately, he’s also the highest draft pick we’ve had since 2005, so him panning out had a better chance than every other guy. With that said, he didn’t even have a great year in 2009, but is looking better this year. Still, he’s no Ray Lewis in the middle of our defense.

Terrence Wheatley DB (Rd 2): Has basically done nothing with the Patriots. This waste of a second rounder has forced the team to draft two more cornerbacks since in hopes of filling his role with a good player, as opposed to the type of player Wheatley is.

Shawn Crable- OLB (Rd 3): See above description. This guy almost makes Wheatley look effective, because at least he’s available to get on the field and mess things up. Crable, on the other hand, is always hurt and doesn’t even get on the field to show off his mediocre talents.

Kevin O’Connell QB (Rd 3): Swing and a miss! O’Connell was traded the next year because he apparently couldn’t figure out how to be a Quarterback. I’m pretty sure that may have been the official statement by the team on why he was dealt, but don’t quote me on that.

2009:

Pat Chung- DB (Rd 2): Before everybody was hanging Chung Monday night with his epic performance, nobody knew much about this guy. He flies around the field and hits like a missile, but he’s usually diving at the end of plays and not making them. Let’s hope Monday night was really his coming out party and not an anomaly, because I’d love to hang Chung a long more.

Ron Brace- DL (Rd 2): Has yet to make any type of impact. However, he did miss most of training camp this year because he couldn’t pass his conditioning test. Honestly, my most rigorous workout the past five years has been a power hour, and I think given 6 months of off-season to prepare, I could pass an NFL team’s conditioning test. It’s usually like 8 sprints of 40 yards with 15 seconds in between each. It shouldn’t surprise you he’s from BC, because as we all know, BC sucks.

Darius Butler- DB (Rd2): Everyone was excited about this guy when he became a starter to begin 2010. Everyone got way less excited when he got beaten worse than a red-headed stepchild by opposing wideouts and he no longer starts. There’s still a chance he makes it, though it seems unlikely based on the other guys I’ve discussed in this blog.

Sebastian Vollmer- OT (Rd 2): Big Sea Bass actually might be the fourth best draft pick from all the ones I’ve covered. He has anchored the right side of the line and seems ready to take over Matt Light’s left, blind side soon. But, he’s still prone to getting beaten by quicker defensive ends and is definitely no cornerstone player.

Brandon Tate- WR (Rd 3): The feel-good story because the kid blew out every ligament he has connected to any part of either knee within two years. Tate has already returned two kickoffs for touchdowns this year, and with Moss gone, the team might be relying on him to step in. Good luck, Brandon. You only have to fill in for the greatest deep-threat wide receiver to ever play a game of football.

Tyrone McKenzie OLB (Rd 3): Remember Shawn Crable from 2008? Me either, but this guy is worse. Enough said.

So there you have it. Pretty sobering list, huh? Obviously, I’ve been on facebook since

"Ohhhh crap, what did we just do?"

the trade came out and I saw a few statuses that got me upset. “No big deal, in Bill we trust.” Really? The guy who made all these draft picks the past 5 years is who you trust, now?! Don’t get me wrong, Belichick is probably the best coach in the league, but I can’t help but wonder if his downfall will be that of every great Greek hero: hubris. “Wait, Colt, WTF is hubris?!” Well, it is quite simply the trait of excessive pride. Maybe Belichick can’t stand other people getting credit for his work. Maybe that’s why there isn’t an officially titled Defensive or Offensive Coordinator this season on the Patriots. There is simply “Head Coach- Bill Belichick” followed by a bunch of positional assistants.

Randy Moss has never had the best attitude. The locker room chemistry came into doubt last season as the team crumbled in a first round playoff loss to the Ravens. Moss just went reception-less for the first time in his Patriots career this past Monday night. What an ill-fitting way for the most talented receiver to ever put a Patriots jersey on, to end his career. Moss should be remembered for two things in my eyes. The record breaking season he put together with Brady in his first year with the team was a thing of beauty, and the one-handed bomb he caught after burning Darrelle Revis. Because, no matter who we draft with all these picks this year, nobody will ever be like Randy Moss again.

I hope you know what you’re doing, Bill, but that doesn’t mean I have to trust you.