Last night, the geriatric fan club watching ABC’s Dancing With the Stars voted off an early childhood hero of every 20-30 year-old male. We all remember him sprinting the beach with his perfectly formed curly-mullet-in-its-pre-natal stages. Barking out orders to some of the hottest sets of breasts held within spandex swimwear ever seen on television (Pam Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth just to name two of those sets of breasts), this guy showed everyone how to save lives and look good doing it. His name, as you all know, is David Hasselhoff.
Do They hit the Chin? Judges Ruling: Yes.
The Hoff has since turned into a caricature of himself, getting wasted and eating cheeseburgers in hilarious home videos, getting wasted some more, and in general, just being drunk. But, he was given a chance to redeem himself on this season’s DWTS, and the losers who actually sit and watch B, C and D list celebrities attempt to dance well, voted him off. Just when I was going to give this insanely vapid show a chance, the people of America saved me from turning into a loser like the rest of them. So I guess I should be happy.
Thankfully, for the puposes of this blog post, I do watch cool shows that other cool Americans watch, too. So, without further ado, I bring you my fall TV preview of the shows I may or may not watch, and why (editor’s note: Monday shows are generally off limits due to Monday Night Football).There are five for each category, because for the most part, I watch too many sports to watch more than that.
WHAT I WON’T WATCH
Dancing With the Stars: Read above.
Glee: I decided to pick everybody’s favorite show to lead off my “Won’t Watch” list because, the show basically sucks. Sure, you get a bunch of misfit high schoolers performing remixes of today’s hits. But you also get horrible plot lines, stereotypes, and a show that hyped itself up as funny, but will not evoke one laugh from someone who understands humor. It seems if you just make a high school show consisting of: awkward drama chick who is actually super hot, super hot cheerleader, big jock who secretly wants to sing and dance like a fairy, an over-the-top fairy who overtly wants to sing and dance like one, a huge black chick, an AZN with feelings towards the handicapped, and a handicapped kid who sings and rolls in dance formation, you’ve got a hit! So go ahead and watch, if you’re a fan of bad stereotypes like that rolled into a musical.
Gossip Girl: Leighton Meester almost makes me watch, but then I realize she’ll probably start talking, so I just google image her. Blake Lively talks out of the side of her mouth and is a mumbler, and I’m not down with that. The guys are all more metro than the last. Oh, and they are all loaded and struggle with absurd issues nobody should really care about. Chuck Bass is played by the worst actor since
Ugh, Leighton, you almost had me with that eye-f*ck, then you said hello...
Robert Pattinson, and looks eerily similar. So apparently, dudes who look like Vampires suck at acting and speak in whispers. Obviously, for all the above reasons, tons of chicks watch this show and its mostly because girls don’t like sports, and replace that section of their brain with the mind-numbing crap known as gossip. But, you already knew what this show was about from it’s title. XOXO- I’m not watching.
The Vampire Diaries: Fortunately, I know nothing about this show. I was just looking at a list of network TV shows and saw this one and got really upset. Dear America, please stop with the Vampire crap. They do not, nor will they ever, exist within our everyday life. True Blood sucks. Twilight is working towards becoming the most successful, absolutely horrible saga in Hollywood history, and now there’s this piece of trash brought to you by the CW (Editor’s Note: the CW also airs Gossip Girl).
Two and a Half Men: Should change the title of its show to “Two Men and a Fat Kid Who Hit Puberty and Tried Getting Skinny, But Now He’s Skinny-fat.” And everyone just nodded in understanding of the term “skinny-fat.” You’re better off just being fat. This show just kind of sucks in general. It’s not awful, I guess.
Sometimes, you can't hide your inner fat kid.
It’s definitely not good, though, because really how many weird sexual innuendo jokes can Charlie Sheen deliver to an assembly line of smoking hot girlfriends while his sexually-confusing brother, who comes off as gay, but I guess isn’t, makes fun of him?
WHAT I WILL WATCH!
Eastbound and Down: TV’s best-kept secret is back! For the cult following who tuned into HBO’s gem of a comedy starring Kenny F%*&ing Powers, the ex-MLB player turned substitute teacher, they were given arguably the funniest show on television. This season, Kenny is taking his hilarious mullet to Mexico for an attempted comeback. All you really need to know about this show is Kenny Powers outlook on becoming a champion: “A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.”
You're gonna watch, aren't you?
Modern Family: Covers every aspect of, what a shock, the modern american family. Whether its nuclear, two gay guys adopting an Asian girl and naming her Lilly, which has to be the number one name given to little Asian girls adopted by two gay guys, or an old rich dude who marries a super fine Columbian chick, this show has it covered in awesome fashion. Just watch the show and be happy. Even if you think it sucks, Sofia Vergara will make you happy (guys).
30 Rock: Alec Baldwin and Tracey Morgan kill it in this comedy, based on a Saturday Night Live-like TV show. Baldwin is the ultra-rich, ultra Conservative, ultra cool as shit middle-aged guy who does whatever he wants in life, NBC executive. Morgan basically plays his real-life self as his character is even named Tracey Jordan. And come on, Tracey Morgan’s real-life self is way funnier than any of his previous roles, which makes this one awesome. Tina Fey plays her usual never-gets-laid, always finds loser guys, quirky type and the rest of the ensemble cast all work well. The hilarious religious guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is also a hilarious religious country-bumpkin on here, too. Looking back at this review, every character just kind of plays their type-casting, but the show is legit.
Parks and Recreation/Community: Well, they play back-to-back on NBC, and on their own, they aren’t great, so I broke the rules and put them as one show. Aziz Ansari steals Parks and Rec from every other character. If you don’t think you know who Aziz Ansari is, you do. He’s the funny indian guy who plays that in every movie he’s been in. He’s also a hilarious stand-up comic, so Youtube him or something. Community is just a decent show about a group of people taking classes at a Community College. Chevy Chase sucks in it, but most of the other characters are good, and the last 30 seconds after the credits and before the show ends are arguably the best part. But that isn’t a bad thing. At least I don’t think.
Big Bang Theory: With its move off the Monday Night block, I get to watch this more than I would have before. Since it’s on Thursdays now, I will DVR one of the other Thursday Night-watch listers and laugh at the nerd humor of Big Bang Theory. Based on a bunch of rocket scientists and their funny geek obsessions like Magic the Gathering, Lord of the Rings, and every comic book, ever. The star of this show is the most detached, socially retarded of all these geeks, Sheldon. This lanky dork would probably get laughed at by me in real-life, but on the show, I laugh with him. Basically, he just pwns n00bs on the reg, and I dig it.
BONUS SHOW: The League
Essentially, its every cool group of college guys, grown up, playing fantasy football. Much like Eastbound and Down, everybody who tuned into this shows premiere last year got lucky, because it might be the second funniest show on TV. Obviously, I watch the second funniest show on TV about fantasy football. So, you probably should, too.
Sofia, again. Because I know you were gonna google "Sofia Vergara Bikini Pics" as soon as you stopped reading the blog.