Archive for September, 2010

h1

We Are All Witness… er, Racist?

September 30, 2010

Today, in the middle of my work shift, I glanced at a headline on ESPN Bottomline that read: “LeBron James says race played a factor in media coverage this summer.” I continued working, but thought to myself, “Wait, WHAT?!” Then it hit me. When you become absurdly rich and famous, you turn equally insane. I will delve into this theory further when I discuss how insane Jennifer Aniston must be to still be single, but for today, I’m focusing on King James.

LeBron’s specific level of insanity has clearly reached Kanye proportions. For the

"Come on, Kanye, you know I have no problem listenating to your awesome songs!"

record, I love and despise Kanye. I loved his VMA performance, because he was so stunningly insane. I hated his claims that George Bush hated black people because of Hurricane Katrina. I hated his interruption of Taylor Swift because he felt Beyonce made one of the greatest music videos, EVER. I loved the double standard he so blatantly brought to light in America. I hated that nobody in America grew a set and discussed the giant Racial Elephant in the room.

Since he is now breaching the upper stratosphere of Kanyanity (see what I did there?!), I’m going to put the race issue to rest. While most people are too scared to talk about race, I’m not. I know I am not a racist. My friends know it, too. This topic is quite simple to discuss. When you decide to turn your back on the city that guided you into the NBA, and did everything they could to turn you into the sickeningly rich human being you are today, it’s not a race issue. When you do all of that in an event created and dubbed by your “team” (not the Cavs, the group of leeches who get rich off LeBron being so rich), and name it “The Decision” it’s not a race issue. When this event is one of the most egotistical things ever seen in sports, and you mask that by giving some money to the Boys and Girls Club, it’s not a race issue.

Although I do little to no research for the purposes of my blog rants, I do know for a certified fact, based on my life, to this point, that there are black people who live in Cleveland. I’m also positive there are black people who live in other places in America. On top of all that, there are most certainly black people employed as members of the media. There are also lots of white people in all those places and professions. They all hated you for what you did LeBron. Not one article I read said: “LeBron James Makes the Right ‘Decision’.” Even if you made the right choice by

The Reverend Jesse Jackson... deserves no more words in my blog today.

joining forces with D Wade and Bosh in Miami, you handled it as poorly as possible. When Jesse Jackson claimed Cavs owner Dan Gilbert possessed a “slave drivers mentality” nobody called Jackson racist (which I would argue, is true). He wasn’t racist, he was just a guy who lost potentially hundreds of millions of dollars because you left his team. Why does race have to get involved? Why does Jesse Jackson EVER get involved? I digress.

Much like Kanye, you have decided that it’s impossible for all these people to hate you. You probably thought… “Wait, I’m f’ing LeBron James! I’m the two-time defending NBA MVP! How could everyone possibly hate me! I KNOW, THEY MUST ALL HATE BLACK PEOPLE! EVEN THOUGH LOTS OF BLACK PEOPLE HATE ME TOO!” See, the concept is flawed. Thousands of people used to wear shirts saying “We Are All Witnesses” in honor of your talent. Now, you think “They Are All Racist”?! I don’t think so, brah.

Look out Kanye, there's a new ego-maniac in town... and by town, I mean in the eyes of almost every American sports fan (those racists).

But don’t worry, LeBron, Kanye still won me over with his crazy antics after his own attempts to bring race into play. I just hope your saneness continues to climb to Kanye-esque levels. Hanging out in South Beach should help things out. Shutting up and playing basketball might help more.

h1

Things That Are Less Popular Than BP

September 29, 2010

I read lots of articles online, but very rarely does a headline make me as warm inside as the one I saw today. It read: “Pelosi: As Unpopular as BP.” It’s not every day you get to see one of your least favorite politicians compared to the greatest accidental oil-related catastrophe, ever. (Awesome side-note you probably didn’t know: The largest oil spill ever was actually done on purpose. You guessed it… that sick bastard Saddam Hussein decided to dump somewhere between 380 and 520 million gallons of oil into the Arabian Gulf off Kuwait to keep US forces from landing in Iraq. Epic fail).

Alas, today, I actually got to see this. Tickled as I was, this got me thinking: what are some of the worst things in my life, and would they be as unpopular in my eyes as BP? First off, BP isn’t really THAT unpopular in my eyes. For some reason, the part of my brain that is supposed to feel bad for helpless wildlife covered in liquid black gold, isn’t fazed. I actually kept finding myself feeling worse and worse for BP throughout the spill. Every day they were hemorrhaging not only oil, but money and shareholders. Perhaps I simply love capitalism too much.

I know. I'm a terrible person. But this did not move the needle on my emotionometer.

Fortunately, I can understand how some people (especially the Green Peace weirdos on college campuses) would think that being as unpopular as BP would make someone about as popular as a fart in church. Since I know firsthand how popular a fart in church is… I present you my personal list of the first 7 things that came to mind that are as unpopular as BP (or a fart in church).

1- Nancy Pelosi: Aside from being an elderly woman who probably smells like a mix of prune juice and designer perfume, she speaks for a house that has passed a healthcare reform bill that will probably get repealed, and a “stimulus” bill that has just sent us into a double-dip recession while creating jobs that cost anywhere between 500,00 and 2 million per job, and increased the country’s federal debt by nearly 2.5 trillion. Yes, trillion with a “T.” I’m no economist, but that’s like a lot of billions, and can’t be good. The more I read this, it’s almost an insult to BP that Pelosi is being compared to them, and not the other way around. I mean, really… what’s a few gulf fish and birds in the long run?

2- Girls in Huge Sunglasses: An issue nearly as important as our country’s healthcare, economy and national debt, is the current sunwear epidemic sweeping the nation. For whatever reason, detached fashion

She must be hiding SOMETHING... but maybe not. But probably.

designers sitting around in Europe, smoking long cigarettes, eating crepes and hating America decided sunglasses should now cover over 70% of female faces. Like water on the earth’s surface, girls now don enormous pieces of plastic with temple-stampled “Gucci” “DG” or “Prada” on their faces. Fortunately for ugly girls, they look almost exactly like hot girls now. Unfortunately for guys, ugly girls look almost exactly like hot girls now. If that’s not as unpopular a movement as BP, I don’t know what is…

3- Ben Roetlisberger: What a piece of garbage this guy is. Sometimes, when you’re 6’4” and fat, but you’re the starting quarterback of the Steelers and have won two Super Bowls, you feel as though you deserve to get women who won’t care that you’re fat, I guess. When that doesn’t work for you, you decide rape is the next best thing to consent. You don’t even wait to roofie a girl and get her home in a bed, you trap her in a bathroom at a nightclub and have one of your “bodyguards” block off the hallway. Yeah, this makes you as unpopular as BP. (Awesome side-note: You also happen to be my starting quarterback in two fantasy leagues as soon as you return from suspension. Hey, this is a business, and I have no problem rooting for your statistics. GO BEN!”

Trust me, Moms... you aren't this hot in a bikini.

4- Women Over 40 in Bikinis: With summer winding down, one image is seared into my memory and it is as unpopular as BP. Old moms wearing bikinis. Seriously, unless you’re Jennifer Aniston, you shouldn’t be 40+ and wearing a bikini, and let’s be honest, you’re not as insane as Jennifer Aniston (future blog entry to come on how insane Jennifer Aniston must be). We don’t need to see how 40 years of gravity has effected your skin, and flab. More importantly, we definitely don’t need to see that C scar the little annoying kid, who keeps kicking sand in my face, popped out of.

5- Autumn: No, she’s not an ex-girlfriend, she’s that 1/4 of Mother Nature that bitch slaps me 3 months a year. It’s bad enough you used to represent the start of school and another Yankees World Series (until 2004), but you add to it the end of warm weather, the dropping of leaves, and shorter darker days. In a couple weeks, it will be pitch black and 36 degrees by 4PM. Raking leaves sucks. Apple picking is as boring as the WNBA. Pumpkin picking is even worse, like, LPGA bad. Some morons out there will say the foliage is worth it. I’ll say Google images would suffice. Doing no research at all, I’m also going to guarantee that suicide rates spike in the Northeast during this season. I say that because I doubt people enjoy their own self as much as I do, and the thought of offing myself creeps into the back of my mind at times during Autumn.

6- Sushi: Cold, uncooked fish wrapped in seaweed and rice. Only yuppie liberals could possibly turn this into a fashionable trend in food. Wow, it comes with soy sauce and pieces of ginger and wasabi? Get me some fried rice with General Tsao’s chicken or I don’t want any part of asian culinary conquests. If you’re a guy and you’re reading this getting upset that I am hating on sushi, you probably suck. If you’re a girl, it’s cool, I don’t want to share any of your odd eating habits any way (especially those of the binge and purge ilk). In the interest of full disclosure, I have eaten Sushi before, and probably will again. Only I’ll be on my 5th or 6th saki bomb, and fiending something to shovel into my stomach that is drenched in the salty goodness of Soy Sauce.

7- Bikers: You are not Lance Armstrong. You probably have two testicles. You

If you don't look like this on a bike... get a car, please.

definitely haven’t won a Tour de France. Get out of your spandex and off the effing road. I do not care that you’re being green, and have less than 4% body fat, I have no qualms taking my right and having you ride into my passenger-side door. My door will be fine, you won’t. These people are the road’s version of an annoying itch you can’t reach on your back. Bonus points if you bike in actual street lanes like you deserve all the rights of a motorist. If you really feel that way, let’s play one game of chicken. I guarantee a win.

Rest assured, there are lots of other things that are less popular than BP: like genital warts, people with poor grammar and hangovers. However, they weren’t the first seven things I thought of, and I don’t really know how to expand on genital warts, people with poor grammar or hangovers, because I’ve never experienced them personally. Maybe one day soon I’ll blog about how I’ve never had a hangover, but until then, this entry will have to suffice.

Stay tuned…

h1

The 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses

September 23, 2010

It’s odd that on an afternoon in which Facebook isn’t loading properly, I would write about the genres of statuses. But, I figure by the time I finish writing this, the site will be back humming like the well-oiled machine Mark Zuckerberg has now made billions off. When you leave this blog and go back on Facebook, these are the 9 statuses you are bound to see upon scrolling down your news feed. Without further ado, I present the 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses…

THE KANYE: This status is the one where some obnoxious friend leaves a line about how awesome they are, and what they’ve done today to make themselves feel even more awesome. Only, nobody else could even remotely care. This person has been hidden on my news feed.

Example: Raped my Physics lab today, sometimes cramming the night before is all you need (self-like).

Just finished the quantitative analysis of (insert generic financial company here) before lunch! Time for Sushi…

THE MEATHEAD: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday you get treated to one of your friends statuses entered religiously between three and five o’clock. We get it, bro, you’re lifting weights… again. Why people need to know your workout schedule is beyond me. This person has not been hidden on my news feed, because I still chuckle every time I see the status.

Examples: Lifting; Quick Lift then a Hyper-Protein Dinner; Blasting my Pecs and Tris; Embarrassing people at the gym; Throwing Weight around; Grunting homo-erotically while (insert generic friend name) spots me (okay that last one was a joke, sort of).

THE EMINEM: For whatever reason, a white kid dropping a rap lyric as their status is always hilarious. If you’re from a suburb, you definitely see these all the time, since half the people you are facebook friends with, wish they were rappers. Thankfully, you get treated to these gems throughout the day. You definitely don’t hide this friend, you just laugh at the irony of their latest line.

Examples:

Seamus McFlaherty is IT WAS ALL A DREAM, I USED TO READ WORD UP MAGAZINE. SALT N’ PEPPA AND HEAVY D UP IN THE LIMOUSINE;

Patrick Whitewood is ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS HOV, H TO THE O-V. I USED TO MOVE SNOWFLAKES BY THE O-Z.

THA GURL: (Colt, you spelled girl wrong! Oh wait, I know where you’re going with this one) For whatever reason, some r-words still think they are in 8th grade talking to their crush on AIM when they post this status. These people get hidden on my news feed

Example: Outtieszzz wit muh gurlieszzz. Gr8 nite 2 c Step Up 3D!

Sum1 shud tell guyz dat they are azzholeszzzz. Ugh, WTF!!!

THE SORORITY GIRL: If you went to college, it probably became socially unacceptable to drop this status in “Tha Gurl” form. But this is a distant cousin. For whatever reason, girls join sororities, and then fall in love with everything about that affiliation. They get a “big, grandbig, little, grandlittle, half-big, half-little” and whatever other remote incestuous title can be given. Unfortunately, you don’t hide this person because they are in a sorority and most likely half-cute.

Example:

Sarah Bernstein: HAS THE BEST BIG EVERRRR. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BIGGIE. CANT WAIT FOR CHAPTERRRR AND BID NIGHT!

Christina White: CANNOT WAIT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS MIXERRR… WHERE MY OFFICE HOES ATTT BAHAHA!!!

Marissa Cohen: (508): So I woke up in his t-shirt, one high heel, and wrapped around the toilet. Needless to say “Mission Stay Sober” was really “Mission Impossible” FML. ❤ TFLN!!! (if you didn’t get that last one, you suck).

THE SHAKESPEARE: One of the best statuses out there, this one is simply a direct quote of something awesome. Whether it’s an epic line from Wedding Crashers that is used in everyday life, a friends hungover text (but for the love of god not a TFLN) or just a great quote while in normal physical interaction (you know, when you’re not on facebook). It also may be an uncited hilarious TV/Movie quote that people need to get on their own. If not, so be it. These are usually hilarious, or awful… but either way, this person does not get hidden.

Example:

“When I woke up, I thought I was still in the middle of the dance floor being handed another drink. Guess that’s where my blackout occured last night.”

“You’re my boy, Blue!”

THE NOTEBOOK: Because everyone knows that every potential relationship, and ruined relationship, needs to be announced to the Facebook Community, people often choose sappy movie/song lyrics. This status could have been named The Taylor Swift. These get super annoying. Depending on the level of your friendship, this person should probably be hidden. Unless she’s super hot.

Examples:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird”

“Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think”

THE LOHAN: Much like its namesake, this talentless, coked-up slut of a status provides nothing to your news feed. Generally consisting of mundane shit that normal, cool people would never consider putting as their status, you have 100% hidden this person. As a bonus, this person may also end all these statuses with “<3 you (Name of significant other)!!!”

Examples: “Good night”; “Sleep”, “Bed”, “Dinner”, “Homework”, “Work til 5”; “So bored”

THE COLT: To everyone who gets treated to my statuses, they generally get a wonderful mix of super-conservative critiques on government, insightful commentary on sports, and humorous musings on life. Much like this blog, if you have a core group of facebook friends who can consistently conjur up “The Colt” status, consider yourself lucky.

Examples:

“Obamas approval rating hits ANOTHER low. Guess the honeymoon’s over.”

“If LeBron James were a foreign dictator, he’d be Fidel Castro. Because nobody outside of Miami likes him.”

“Whenever I get down on myself, I read a bunch of boring people’s statuses and realize how much cooler I am than them.”

So there you have it folks. The 9 genres of Facebook Statuses. Strive for greatness. Nobody wants to be so lame, every single day, that they get hidden.




h1

Fall TV Already Loses a Legend, So I Preview the Rest

September 22, 2010

Last night, the geriatric fan club watching ABC’s Dancing With the Stars voted off an early childhood hero of every 20-30 year-old male. We all remember him sprinting the beach with his perfectly formed curly-mullet-in-its-pre-natal stages. Barking out orders to some of the hottest sets of breasts held within spandex swimwear ever seen on television (Pam Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth just to name two of those sets of breasts), this guy showed everyone how to save lives and look good doing it. His name, as you all know, is David Hasselhoff.

Do They hit the Chin? Judges Ruling: Yes.

The Hoff has since turned into a caricature of himself, getting wasted and eating cheeseburgers in hilarious home videos, getting wasted some more, and in general, just being drunk. But, he was given a chance to redeem himself on this season’s DWTS, and the losers who actually sit and watch B, C and D list celebrities attempt to dance well, voted him off. Just when I was going to give this insanely vapid show a chance, the people of America saved me from turning into a loser like the rest of them. So I guess I should be happy.

Thankfully, for the puposes of this blog post, I do watch cool shows that other cool Americans watch, too. So, without further ado, I bring you my fall TV preview of the shows I may or may not watch, and why (editor’s note: Monday shows are generally off limits due to Monday Night Football).There are five for each category, because for the most part, I watch too many sports to watch more than that.

WHAT I WON’T WATCH

Dancing With the Stars: Read above.

Glee: I decided to pick everybody’s favorite show to lead off my “Won’t Watch” list because, the show basically sucks. Sure, you get a bunch of misfit high schoolers performing remixes of today’s hits. But you also get horrible plot lines, stereotypes, and a show that hyped itself up as funny, but will not evoke one laugh from someone who understands humor. It seems if you just make a high school show consisting of: awkward drama chick who is actually super hot, super hot cheerleader, big jock who secretly wants to sing and dance like a fairy, an over-the-top fairy who overtly wants to sing and dance like one, a huge black chick, an AZN with feelings towards the handicapped, and a handicapped kid who sings and rolls in dance formation, you’ve got a hit! So go ahead and watch, if you’re a fan of bad stereotypes like that rolled into a musical.

Gossip Girl: Leighton Meester almost makes me watch, but then I realize she’ll probably start talking, so I just google image her. Blake Lively talks out of the side of her mouth and is a mumbler, and I’m not down with that. The guys are all more metro than the last. Oh, and they are all loaded and struggle with absurd issues nobody should really care about. Chuck Bass is played by the worst actor since

Ugh, Leighton, you almost had me with that eye-f*ck, then you said hello...

Robert Pattinson, and looks eerily similar. So apparently, dudes who look like Vampires suck at acting and speak in whispers. Obviously, for all the above reasons, tons of chicks watch this show and its mostly because girls don’t like sports, and replace that section of their brain with the mind-numbing crap known as gossip. But, you already knew what this show was about from it’s title. XOXO- I’m not watching.

The Vampire Diaries: Fortunately, I know nothing about this show. I was just looking at a list of network TV shows and saw this one and got really upset. Dear America, please stop with the Vampire crap. They do not, nor will they ever, exist within our everyday life. True Blood sucks. Twilight is working towards becoming the most successful, absolutely horrible saga in Hollywood history, and now there’s this piece of trash brought to you by the CW (Editor’s Note: the CW also airs Gossip Girl).

Two and a Half Men: Should change the title of its show to “Two Men and a Fat Kid Who Hit Puberty and Tried Getting Skinny, But Now He’s Skinny-fat.” And everyone just nodded in understanding of the term “skinny-fat.” You’re better off just being fat. This show just kind of sucks in general. It’s not awful, I guess.

Sometimes, you can't hide your inner fat kid.

It’s definitely not good, though, because really how many weird sexual innuendo jokes can Charlie Sheen deliver to an assembly line of smoking hot girlfriends while his sexually-confusing brother, who comes off as gay, but I guess isn’t, makes fun of him?

WHAT I WILL WATCH!

Eastbound and Down: TV’s best-kept secret is back! For the cult following who tuned into HBO’s gem of a comedy starring Kenny F%*&ing Powers, the ex-MLB player turned substitute teacher, they were given arguably the funniest show on television. This season, Kenny is taking his hilarious mullet to Mexico for an attempted comeback. All you really need to know about this show is Kenny Powers outlook on becoming a champion: “A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.”

You're gonna watch, aren't you?

Modern Family: Covers every aspect of, what a shock, the modern american family. Whether its nuclear, two gay guys adopting an Asian girl and naming her Lilly, which has to be the number one name given to little Asian girls adopted by two gay guys, or an old rich dude who marries a super fine Columbian chick, this show has it covered in awesome fashion. Just watch the show and be happy. Even if you think it sucks, Sofia Vergara will make you happy (guys).

30 Rock: Alec Baldwin and Tracey Morgan kill it in this comedy, based on a Saturday Night Live-like TV show. Baldwin is the ultra-rich, ultra Conservative, ultra cool as shit middle-aged guy who does whatever he wants in life, NBC executive. Morgan basically plays his real-life self as his character is even named Tracey Jordan. And come on, Tracey Morgan’s real-life self is way funnier than any of his previous roles, which makes this one awesome. Tina Fey plays her usual never-gets-laid, always finds loser guys, quirky type and the rest of the ensemble cast all work well. The hilarious religious guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is also a hilarious religious country-bumpkin on here, too. Looking back at this review, every character just kind of plays their type-casting, but the show is legit.

Parks and Recreation/Community: Well, they play back-to-back on NBC, and on their own, they aren’t great, so I broke the rules and put them as one show. Aziz Ansari steals Parks and Rec from every other character. If you don’t think you know who Aziz Ansari is, you do. He’s the funny indian guy who plays that in every movie he’s been in. He’s also a hilarious stand-up comic, so Youtube him or something. Community is just a decent show about a group of people taking classes at a Community College. Chevy Chase sucks in it, but most of the other characters are good, and the last 30 seconds after the credits and before the show ends are arguably the best part. But that isn’t a bad thing. At least I don’t think.

Big Bang Theory: With its move off the Monday Night block, I get to watch this more than I would have before. Since it’s on Thursdays now, I will DVR one of the other Thursday Night-watch listers and laugh at the nerd humor of Big Bang Theory. Based on a bunch of rocket scientists and their funny geek obsessions like Magic the Gathering, Lord of the Rings, and every comic book, ever. The star of this show is the most detached, socially retarded of all these geeks, Sheldon. This lanky dork would probably get laughed at by me in real-life, but on the show, I laugh with him. Basically, he just pwns n00bs on the reg, and I dig it.

BONUS SHOW: The League

Essentially, its every cool group of college guys, grown up, playing fantasy football. Much like Eastbound and Down, everybody who tuned into this shows premiere last year got lucky, because it might be the second funniest show on TV. Obviously, I watch the second funniest show on TV about fantasy football. So, you probably should, too.

Sofia, again. Because I know you were gonna google "Sofia Vergara Bikini Pics" as soon as you stopped reading the blog.

h1

Time for a Haircut, Tom Brady

September 20, 2010

Until now, everyone in New England has refused to address the big messy elephant in the room: Tom Brady’s hair. Granted, when you’ve been blessed with an arm that David would be envious of in his preparation to fight Goliath, a supermodel wife that Christ himself would be jealous of, and a chin dimple that words do no justice, you might stop caring about what the rest of you actually looks like every day. However, the current catastrophe resting atop Tom Brady’s head has reached inexcusable proportions. Who can forget the days of the young, clean-cut Brady leading his team to final minute Super Bowl winning drives? Every male Patriots fan ages 18-55 has one of the most raging man-crushes ever developed between a fan and pro athlete.

Unfortunately, it’s time to call a f*$@ing terrible hairstyle, a f*$@ing terrible hairstyle. Trapped somewhere between the hippies of the 60s and heavy metal rockers of the 80s, with a heterosexually-questionable aura of  the mid-head part of early 90s geeks, and the lengthy sway of Justin Bieber, lies the present-day state of affairs with Brady’s hair. WBZ 38 in Boston did some investigative questioning themselves in slideshow fashion…copy and paste the following to see for yourself…

http://wbztv.com/slideshows/tom.bradys.hair.20.1746307.html

When your Quarterbacks head looks like a 16 year-old teeny bopper's... well, it just sucks.

All this talk about hair would be irrelevant if Brady had won a Super Bowl since 2004. Unfortunately, it’s been six years since the Patriots dynasty ended. The 2007 18-1 season that concluded with a Super Bowl loss and my own personal life spiral that has still not been recovered from notwithstanding, the team has just been good, not great. I can argue that it starts at the top. Yes, with Brady’s hair. One look at his Super Bowl winning photos and the answer is simple: go back to the buzz, Tom. Before you cared about fashion, wore Yankees hats, and banged the hottest woman on Earth, you rocked the buzz, dated a nearly-as-hot Massachusetts girl, and made less money than your dad (which made you the first Quarterback to win a Super Bowl and hold that financial status. Brady’s dad, by the way, is like some CEO millionaire. I know, the guy has led a pretty tough life).

Little did we know, those boyish good looks would create a monster... one that currently sits on top of Tom's forehead.

Somewhere along the way, Tom lost his inner sense of the humble kid who was drafted 199th overall. His talents and looks simply took over. Granted, the same sometimes happens to myself, but at the end of the month, there’s always a good haircut waiting for me. So Tom, how about you find a barber who can provide you with the fresh 2-clipper on the sides blended to a 4 on top, and we get back to winning some Super Bowls. Or at the very least, we win the division and don’t have to watch the Jets and their tub of lard coach fist pump their way towards the playoffs.

h1

$170 Million Reasons Theo Epstein Messed Up, Really Bad

September 17, 2010

As the date stamp of this post indicates, the baseball season has officially entered the stretch run. It’s an off day for the Red Sox, and raining, so I figured now is a good time for me to vent. I’m venting because, unfortunately, the fan base of the team with the second highest payroll in all of baseball just yawned. The only thing that can perk up their ears is talk of Tom Brady and his glorious arm heading to New York to play the rival Jets. Man-crush aside, the reason Tom Brady is the only worthy sports story in mid-September is because the Red Sox management decided this would be a “bridge season.”

Thank goodness you're so dreamy Tom, or New England sports would be f*cked right now

You probably just thought to yourself, “damn Tom looks sharp” then you remembered the last paragraph I actually wrote and said, “wait, WTF is a bridge season?” The answer to that is actually quite simple. The “bridge season” can be defined as a season in which a team is put together that everyone pretty much knows will not be able to compete for a title (without the help of a ton of luck). If you’re not following, think of this Red Sox season as something along the lines of a girl in between boyfriends, who needs SOMETHING to fill her time (since she doesn’t like sports, most likely) so she fakes interest for a while until something better comes along. Secretly, that’s what Red Sox fans have done all year. We have talked ourselves into liking the 2010 Red Sox even though they are a 6 on the 1-10 scale (and nobody settles for less than a 7.5 long-term).

Essentially, Theo Epstein took $170 million dollars, and built a figurative bridge into next season. Don’t believe me? He signed Adrian Beltre to a one-year deal in which the only upside would be Beltre has a monster season (he did) and the Red Sox lose him next year, or pay him a ton of money long-term (unlikely).  He hoped that David Ortiz would have a bad enough year where he could let him walk next year, only, a funny thing happened and Big Papi was the Red Sox best hitter. He signed John Lackey, a soon-to-be 32 year old to a contract worth over $17 million a year until he turns 36, then realized he had to give Josh Beckett, who is younger and has led the Red Sox to a World Series, even more money. Between the two, the Red Sox have gotten 17 wins, 14 loss, and an ERA near 5 combined. Sound investment, Theo.

Don’t confuse this anger towards any of the Red Sox players. Guys have down years, guys get injured (or in the 2010 Red Sox case, everybody got injured), and guys have career-best years. The problem with the 2010 Red Sox is that with $170 million dollars invested in players, a team should compensate for everything from injuries, to up-and-down seasons, to random position players having Lohan-like drug and alcohol problems (and that last one never even happened!)

Don't worry, Lindsay, you're not as big a mess as Theo this season...

The fact of the matter is, Theo Epstein, the Red Sox supposed genius GM just got outplayed for the playoffs by 10 other GMs with less money at the table. When it comes right down to it, Epstein has never made a significant free-agent signing that worked. You can go try, but don’t waste your time looking it up. Outside of David Ortiz, who was signed as a platoon DH, (and was a few days from being released by Epstein) and happened to turn into the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox history, Theo has struck out since then.

Maybe i’m nitpicking. Maybe two World Series (although I’d also argue 2004 was mostly Dan Duquette’s team) is enough to give most GMs a free pass for a while, but I have a hard time building $170 million dollar bridges to nowhere. Because, if you think the Red Sox are going to be considerably better next season, you might want to think again. There isn’t much available in free agency to help the cause. Besides, Theo is 0-free agency so far in his GM career. I guess he’s due? More likely, this could be a drawbridge going up and letting the Yankees yacht pass through for a little while longer.

On the bright side, Tom Brady just signed a five year extension for less money than John Lackey. Wes Welker also makes less money in an entire season than JD Drew does in one month. See you next post, gotta go spit the mouth-throw-up out.

Editor’s note: This entire post could prove to be a reverse-jinx that sees the Red Sox make up 6 games on the Yankees with 15 games left in the season (a 3.6% chance according to the playoff predictor). In that case, good job Theo.

h1

Why Now, Colt?!

September 16, 2010

I know what you’re all thinking. “Gee, if I could pick one friend of mine who would probably write one of the wittiest, poignant, entertaining blogs, Colt would at least be third or fourth. Why hasn’t he done one yet!?”And you are absolutely right, I am late in making this blog. I’m sorry for having kept you all from getting to read my rants on whatever sports, politics, sexist, pop culture issues I can.

Honestly, I have always found the whole blog thing self-indulgent. Why should anyone care what I think? They have their own thoughts, I thought to myself. But then, I caught myself reading Facebook statuses consisting of nothing more than “Good night,” “Class then work,” or “Food” and I thought differently to myself. I realized that some people just aren’t very interesting. Actually, most people kind of suck. For that reason, It’s time to break through the malaise of everyday blogs and bring you this piece of awesomeness. Just think, I already used the word “malaise” and we’re only on paragraph two, the possibilities of this thing are endless.

If you don’t know who I am, I will give a quick synopsis now. After doing the whole, get good grades, get into good college, graduate college, get good job… I have hit a wall in the last item of that list. When I was 12 years old, I found myself batting 7th on my all-star baseball team and realized most Major Leaguers didn’t hit 7th on their all-star teams. So, I made the decision that I would announce the games of guys who were better at baseball than me, because I could at least speak better than them. Aside from an obsession with sports that almost got me into a fist-fight with my college roommate about the Yankees 2007 pitching staff being inferior to the Red Sox’, I also like laughing at just about anything going on in American society.

So there, that’s “Why Now, Colt?!” I assure you, this introductory post will be my worst ever, but I felt it was a necessary cliche to give the whole “here’s what my blog and I will be about.” Stay tuned for the coming week as I touch  upon topics such as Theo Epstein’s inability to make the playoffs with $170 million, Kanye West’s hatred of all things not related to Kanye West, an “Ode to a Hot Chick” and possible excerpts from the book I’m working on (it’s been over a year, I’m on page three or four by my guess).

Actually, here’s an excerpt from the book I’m working on, right now, it tells a little more about me, only it doesn’t suck as badly as this first blog post.

Will Kanye grow to love this blog as much as himself? Doubtful. But, you might!

___________________________________________________________

Archive from October 2009

“FOREWORD:

Who invented the foreword anyway? This seems ridiculous. I did no research on writing a book, but I know that some books have forewords, and I will do anything to at least present the image of me being an author. Am I an author just for writing this? If people ask, can I tell them that I’m an author, and not an unemployed college graduate living with my parents? Have I been too rhetorical in my foreword? These thoughts have all come to mind since I sat down and started typing this.

I’m starting to really like the foreword.

My original intention was to write this book entirely at a Starbucks where I order trendy author-like fraps and have a cute barista know my order every morning. I’d also love to grow a beard, as some pictures I’ve seen of great writers show them with beards. Shakespeare had one. So did Robert Frost (editor’s note: I just googled Robert Frost to check the veracity of my last statement. It is false. Perhaps I can still be a great writer).

Anyway, I think I should tell a story at this point in the foreword to explain why I’m writing this book. If that’s what the foreword is even for.

Sophomore year of High School I wrote a five-page paper on some topic that escapes me now. I think English class. So it was probably a paper on Shakespeare or Robert Frost. That’s not important. My Mom asked me how the paper went and I told her I finished the fifth page. She asked how long it was supposed to be (five to seven) and then said, so why did you only do five. I answered, “Because it said five to seven. That means I can’t be penalized for doing the minimum.” She told me that it was the minimum and maybe I should consider doing the maximum some time to show more effort. I told her, “Mom, I ALWAYS do the minimum.”

This motto has generally guided my life in all endeavors that require work. It is also most likely the reason that I am an unemployed college grad living with my parents. Just think, if I did the maximum, I would be working a real job and not writing this book. So far, I’m having fun being an author. It has been 19 minutes. Now, I feel bad for the unemployed college graduates.

In closing, (Just the foreword’s closing. Not the entire book. Otherwise this would be a short book that may not classify as a book since it’s just a foreword) I’m writing this book because some people throughout my life have told me I’m entertaining and tell good stories. If they were patronizing me, this book is really going to suck. If they weren’t, then however many pages this book turns into might go down as the greatest words you have ever read (unless you have ever read Shakespeare or Robert Frost. I’ve spark noted them, and they seem pretty good, so I won’t put myself in their league, yet). The book should be about college and life, and things that are in college and life, and how I feel about those things. I just wrote that sentence and questioned whether I can put “, and” twice in the same sentence. I decided that since I’m the author and it’s my book, I could do this.

So without further ado, here is my book. If you are wondering, that foreword was fun. If I write another book, it will have a foreword, too.”

____________________________________________________________

Oh, one quick word on the header of my blog. That picture will change, often. But for now, it’s a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover because the only thing better than sports are sports and supermodels in bikinis.