Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

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No Occupation? Occupy Wall Street!

October 12, 2011

Some time last week, a bunch of hippies decided to storm Wall Street like it was the Bastille during the French Revolution. If you don’t know what the Bastille is, you’re probably one of those hippies occupying Wall Street. Really, this whole fiasco of the uncoordinated, unintelligible mass of dirty people rallying together around the concept of: “rich people suck,” should surprise no one. The hippies of the 60s and 70s were bound to produce offspring that held similar ideals such as peace, love, poverty and pot to such a high degree. The only thing I don’t get is why it happened now. Like, some time last week, Bank of America realized they were going out of business and stuff, so they announced they were charging everyone $5 a month to have a checking account.

Next, a series of events happened that left America’s collective head spinning and  searching for answers. Picketers were stifling our clean-cut businessmen who smell of dry cleaned designer suits and cologne with the rancid stink of white-people-dreadlocks, hemp necklaces, unwashed cargo shorts, Birkenstocks and beards. Suddenly, Steve Jobs was dead, and the 99% were being spoken for by less than .0000000000001 percent (math on this could be highly inaccurate). I don’t know about you, but after all that, I could use some 22 year-old model… Caitlin O’Connor!

Pretty sure Capitalism yields pictures like this. I think I read it in an Econ textbook somewhere.

Suddenly, I find myself on a bus home from New York City, where I thought the only occupying was taking place. Little did I know I would be greeted by Boston hippies of a similar ilk making sure they can catch the subway home after rallying. Now, it didn’t surprise me that these people had no car to drive themselves into the city with. I overheard them talking and was able to draw a few concrete conclusions. They are as follows.

1- These people don’t have jobs. Obviously.

2- These people don’t know how to create jobs, they just want to get angry at a global collapse and expect the educated people who work hard, to figure out how to save them. It reminds me of last week’s episode of The Office when Ryan complains to Pam how everybody wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. Pam replies, “Didn’t you come in at 10:15 today?!” To which Ryan simply smiles and shrugs: content with that trade off.

3- These people are confused, even within their protest. Not that you can blame them. Like I said, they decided to rally over a $60 annual fee from a big bank, months after a double dip recession, and years after the initial crash.

4- These people are misguided, to say the least. Their best friend, a gargantuan government, is smart enough to know you can’t just let the financial sector that runs a capitalist economy fail. Unfortunately, the government has been paid back almost all the money they lent out to the banks in their bailouts, only there still aren’t any jobs. Shouldn’t the protesters be outside Washington after multiple failed stimulus bills, TARP funds, and job packages that did nothing but add some seasonal Census workers.

5- One good thing came of these protests. Her name is Kat, from Bayside NYC.

Too bad she's probably a Vegan. Turnoff.

Maybe the best part about all this is that these protesters get arrested, and think they are martyrs on the level of suicide bombers in Jilalabad. High comedy all around. I directly heard one woman who was a part of the Boston occupation (ironic word when you think about it) say, “I just wish they wouldn’t get arrested tonight, there was hardly any news coverage!” This summed up the whole situation so fittingly I couldn’t help but smile and think of capitalism.

Stay tuned…

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Osama bin Laden Shot Dead… IN THE FACE… AMERICA!

May 3, 2011

During the past decade, an entire generation of Americans literally grew up in the aftermath of 9/11. It became the “where were you when?” moment of our contemporaries. Along the way, Americans came to associate one man with the attacks on the World Trade Center: Osama bin Laden. While there were plenty of other alien sounding, hyphenated, three name psychopaths involved, “Osama bin Laden” stuck in the nation’s conscience. As “America’s Most Wanted” terrorist, he put out his little cave videos, threatened attacks, recruited new, lonely, apparently sexually frustrated males by promising them 72 virgins once they blew themselves up, hid like a coward for 10 years and as Allen from The Hangover reminds us, made masturbating on an airplane illegal, rather than merely frowned upon. Last night, I had another “where were you when” moment, and it came upon hearing the news that Osama finally got his head popped by an American made assault rifle with a laser scope. Obviously, the news called for a nightcap, and some mental notes that needed to be put down on electronic record as more information came to light. Guiding you through today’s blog will be some of the hottest middle-eastern women on the internets… because beauty is everywhere, and you’ve probably never googled that.

Rima Fakih: Miss USA 2010... but of Lebanese/Heavenese descent.

FIRST REACTION:

When I first heard the news that we killed Osama, I didn’t know how to react, but some quick thoughts came to mind. First thought, “Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?!” My next thought immediately jumped to imagining the mission details of this operation, and the feeling whichever Navy Seal had when he saw a 6’6” bearded frame through his night vision goggles, lined up his laser scope between bin Laden’s unibrow, and squeezed off that round. My third initial thought (which makes little to no sense since “initial” means first),  obviously skipped to whether there was beer in the fridge. There’s really no more American principle than the freedom we have to sip whiskey or tip back a cold one in the safety of our own home. It is the very basic safety and freedom fought for and protected by the courage of men and women fighting overseas for those very ideals.

EARLY DETAILS:

Rima, again... in a bikini. Because I can.

If you’re like me, you couldn’t wait to see the cave they dragged Osama’s dirty ass out of. I mean, this evil son of a bitch has been hiding out in Paki caves for a decade, narrowly escaping carpet bombs and drone attacks, without any amenities. Outside of drinking your own urine, because it’s sterile and you like the taste, the best part of your day is making another home video on your terrorist flip cam, and maybe some foreplay with a stray goat. Then, news broke that Osama lived in a million dollar compound with his youngest wife and two of his terrorist “couriers” and their families. While it had high-level security and 18 foot high walls topped with barbed wire, it did not have internet, phone or television. Suddenly, a whole new set of thoughts came to mind.

1- Being a “courier” in Al Qaeda basically makes you the biggest bitch on planet earth, right?. I mean, you haven’t even reached the level of getting to blow yourself up. You’re still fetching the martyr dude his coffee, highlighting and color coding his schedule, and lining up afterlife meet and greets with the virgins he gets when he’s finally exploded. It’d be fine if you got to do all that bitchwork and eventually moved into the corner office, but once you’re done with all that, you explode yourself, too.

2- Osama took his youngest wife to hide out with him. This sort of stuff just tickles me. Unless you’re reading about a Mormon wedding, it’s rare you get the old “multiple wives age differentiation” clause in a news story. Lately, my imaginary conversations have been drawing rave reviews, so here’s how it went down when Osama asked his little lady to go hide out with him:

Osama: So, baby, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, come closer so I can hold a rusty machete to your neck as I speak.

Youngest Wife: What is it my lanky lover?!

Osama: Well, I’ve done some things, and pissed off the world’s greatest superpower. I want you to come away into hiding with me. We’ve got this sweet pad all set up, it just doesn’t have an internet hook-up, but we’re working on that. There’s nothing here in this small town for us, especially running water or electricity.

Youngest Wife: Majestic as your beard may be, Osama, and while I can neither read nor write due to the sexist oppression of males in our culture, I have heard others talking by the milking goats that you’re the most wanted man in the world. I do not want to come… and no internet?! This is the 21st century, Osama!

Osama: What do you mean you don’t want to come? You do realize I’m holding a rusty machete to your neck, don’t you? Does this look like a democracy?! No. It looks like an extremist islamic terrorist organization trying to destroy democracy, because that’s exactly what it is. Now pack your robes, or I will tie you to an IED and let the children practice with their rocket launchers. And I told you, we’re looking into the internet issue! We might get a MiFi or something through Sprint. I hear 4G is coming!!!

And… SCENE.

sidenote: Is it weird that bin Laden has better luck with the ladies than me? I guess “blogger” just doesn’t have the same cache as “megalomaniacal terrorist mastermind.”

3- You’re the head of Al Qaeda and no one, not even one of your couriers, can find you a basic cable-phone-internet triple play package?! That shit is like $99.99/month, including HBO and Starz for the first year with a contract re-evaulation, bro. Weak sauce.

FURTHER DETAILS

Manel Filali: Singer from Yemen. I don't understand what she's saying in her songs. (ps- is it Yemeni? Yemenese? Yemenish?)

As the story continued to unfold, we found out that this mansion in Pakistan looked more like a prison on the inside, with mattresses flat on the floor and clothes piled up in corners like a Hoarders episode. Reports also came out that the area was initially deserted, but since the bin Laden’s moved into their compound, smaller houses started popping up like Mr. Rogers himself started up a neighborhood. Following that up came the factoid that the bin Laden compound burned its own trash. More intriguing perhaps than all that involved the little fact that a Pakistani military academy sat essentially down the street. Obviously, this brought up some further analysis, by me.

1- Pakistan has got to be shitting me. Not that any of us should have ever thought they were actually on our side in this endeavor to track down bin Laden, but these dudes might as well have been his Islamic brothers from another less extremist mother. Osama is in the biggest house on the block, with tall ass walls and barbed wire, and two shady guys who are just couriering the shit out of the place. Meanwhile the Pakistani military academy is just chilling down the street eating goat cheese, sipping goat’s milk and playing cricket or rock ball or whatever they do out there. Maybe their military just sucks that bad. The USA is tracking dudes all over the world, collecting intelligence like it’s going out of style, tapping wires, creating facial recognition software and examining DNA like it’s CSI: Middle East, and Pakistan is struggling to get dial-up internet. If this isn’t another example of why America runs the world, and every other country just always needs us to bail their asses out, after they do nothing for us, ever, then I don’t know what is.

2- Nobody willingly burns their garbage when there is someone who will come by and pick it up. Have you ever smelled hot garbage? Smells like… well, hot garbage. Osama actually played this one pretty cool. He obviously knew we wouldn’t be looking for a literal smoke signal as to his whereabouts. Even though, in hindsight, we should have realized that would be the best technology a Pakistani would have at their disposal to alert us.

3- I’m not saying women need to cook, clean and make babies, but Mrs. bin Laden has no excuse here. You’ve been living in this joint for over six years (still unknown where he lived in the years directly after 9/11). You’ve got no TV, phone or internet so it’s not like you were watching the royal wedding coverage this past weekend. So far, I haven’t read a report that you didn’t have a vacuum, duster and closets. No excuse for the hideout to be a pig sty. Have some respect for yourself and clean up the place. You never know when US troops are going to kick down your door, blast you and your husband with assault rifles, then release photographs of the scene. I’ll give a pass on the stained rugs, but only because I assume that’s freshly spilled blood, and not tomato juice.

OPERATION DETAILS:

Dana Halabi is a Kuwaitian actress. Yes, I'm just making up what you call people from these countries. No, I don't know what she's saying in her acting roles.

Next, the reports on the military team and operation started taking shape. Navy Seal Team Six, which may or may not have been a Tom Clancy video game, headed the operation. The US had gathered so much information, mostly from detainees at Gitmo who got waterboarded worse than Shamu, that the Seal team practiced the mission on a replica bin Laden compound. The operation took just 40 minutes, included a malfunctioning helicopter that was expertly landed without injury, resulted in four terrorist deaths, and zero harm to any American soldier. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s the military equivalent of hitting for the cycle. First reports also stated an armed bin Laden resisted troops upon being asked to surrender, and he used his wife as a human shield. My pressing thoughts…

1- This is why I love sports. They let us draw the closest parallels to war. You practice, you get good, you execute, you win. That is exactly what the Navy Seals did. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Belichick drew up this operation. Just steely cool and tactful as all hell.

2- Torture: 1 Osama: 0. There’s a reason torture is as old a practice as prostitution: it gets the job done. In recent years, the Bush administration took major heat for two things: Guantanamo Bay prison practices, and waterboarding. Now, we find out that the very prisoners being tortured at Gitmo, were the same men who dropped dimes on Osama. The beauty of waterboarding is that it only “simulates” the act of drowning. Thus, we get to drown these terrorists over and over and over until they tell us what we want, and all we’ve done is scared the shit out of them repeatedly. If you think this violates their human rights, I’d argue you’re an idiot.  They gave up their identity as humans and became monsters when they planned, succeeded, or failed at bombing innocent people.

3- Nothing like the old human shield maneuver. They say Hollywood is all cliche, I say, they nailed the whole “a villain uses another human being as his shield” bit. Of course Osama used his wife as a human shield! If Vegas books had odds on, “Will bin Laden use his wife as a human shield on the day he is raided” I’d have bet my left nut on yes. That’s an easier wager than the Celtics being pushed to +250 from +150 in the Heat series after losing game 1.

THE DETAILS BECOME FACTS:

Brigitte Yaghi was on Lebanese Idol, and might have even won, but I didn't care to check on that. She's hot though.

So in any government-run operation, there are bound to be more informational mix-ups than a paternity episode on Maury. Sure enough, a few of the issues I already discussed eventually proved to be untrue. First, even though I still think I should keep my left nut for it being earlier reported, Osama’s wife did not get used as a human shield and isn’t dead, either. In actuality, she stormed at the Seal team before getting shot in her leg. Next, Osama was not armed during the raid. However, the Seals did come under fire, so you can imagine they weren’t too pleased by the time they saw OBL. The government maintains that you can resist a request to surrender without being armed. It has been reported that Osama suffered bullet wounds above his left eye that took a piece of skull with it, along with a shot to the chest. Osama bin Laden received a burial at sea as the Navy dumped his body after giving it a proper Islamic burial. Thought time…

1- Mrs. bin Laden is a ride or die bitch. Sure, she can’t clean worth a damn, but when it hits the fan, she is apparently down to storm trained special ops teams on behalf of her man. Can’t knock the devotion there.

2- The fact that Osama was unarmed could not mean less to me. I’ll re-create how the surrender request would have gone down during the raid, armed or unarmed.

Navy Seal: Identify yourself, motherfc*ker!

Osama: I am Osama bin Laden! I surren… (shot rips through left forehead carrying frontal lobe with it… shot rips through heart milliseconds after).

Navy Seal: (thinks to himself) ::That was all I needed to know, bro:: (nods approvingly upon review of hits to target).

and… SCENE!

Seriously. if you think the “request to surrender” is anything more than a politically correct way to cover our ass by not saying “we were popping this dude’s head even if we walked in on him reading arabic Dr. Seuss to his son while daisies were tucked behind his ear,” you’re batshit crazy.

FINAL RESULTS:

All joking aside, according to the latest report, the White House will release images of Osama’s corpse. Debates took place early on in this process as to whether such a photo should be released.  I’m not waiting to post the pictures here, because this is no place for that kind of seriousness. While conspiracy theorists will abound, regardless of the images produced, ultimately, this is a great event in the War on Terror. Hopefully to all the families affected by the events on 9/11 and in the ensuing wars, this acts as another step in the grieving process. Osama bin Laden, even in hiding, represented the evil that tries to threaten the freedom of not only Americans, but also the citizens of any free country.

As I said in the beginning of this blog, I had another “where were you when” moment upon finding out we killed Osama bin Laden. Sitting with a group of friends, one whose birthday is September 11th, we discussed how awful that day back in 2001 was and where we were. We then watched as the president addressed the nation and news stations began updating us on the facts. Maybe the only fact that matters is Osama bin Laden’s last thought on this earth was, “Oh shit!” as he stared down the barrel of that Navy Seal’s assault rifle. I cannot thank the families and soldiers who defend our freedom enough. If this blog could give them one laugh, or bit of enjoyment, it has done its purpose. God bless America. Stay tuned…

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Smorgasblog: Obama Bro’ing Out! Sheen’s Power, Uncle Tom, Youtube Chick “Singers”

March 16, 2011

Porn stars, the president, Uncle Tom, and internet video sensations. Unfortunately, not all in one story, or we’d have the best blog ever, today. But, it’s still damn good, and even Rosie Jones would be proud. Too much awesome stuff to mix into one pre-determined hot girl as your presenter of today’s Smorgasblog, so I’m just going to let it flow and see what hotness can be conjured up… Enjoy. But first…

Oh, Rosie... so good to have you back in my internet space.

OBAMA JUST BRO-ING OUT LIKE IT’S HIS DAMN JOB!

Barack, I know I’ve been writing gold, but you need to chill out with this Revolver obsession. Mr. President has obviously been reading my last two blogs about Spring Break and March Madness. First, he’s on ESPN today making his NCAA picks with his brother from an American-born mother, Andy Katz. Showing his true political beliefs, Obama resorted to an often used tactic of his in the Illinois Senate as he simply voted “present” rather than taking a stand. Dude picked nothing but 1 seeds to make it to the Final Four. For the love of Allah, show a little backbone, Barry.

But, that’s not all Barack is doing to show his love for the Revolver. This weekend, he’s hopping a jet to Rio de Janiero to just shred it up with the finest hunnies in the world. Clearly, the Spring Break Survival Guide I wrote earlier this week got him too hot to just sit around being presidential. I mean, it’s not like Japan just exploded, the stock market has dropped, and Gadhafi is killing his own people in Libya and taking back power. To top it off, all White House events today are “closed press” except for a ceremony praising Obama’s “committment to transparent government.” Gotta love his style. Just spitting in the winds of adversity. Here’s some ass the president can expect down in Brazil.

Emanuela de Paula just melting keyboards and frying motherboards.

GRANT HILL GETS CALLED AN UNCLE TOM

By now, you probably read about the letter Grant Hill sent to the New York Times. Hill responded to an interview from Jalen Rose’s documentary on Michigan’s “Fab Five” basketball team, in which he and other black Duke players were referred to as “Uncle Toms.” If you haven’t, here’s an excerpt: “In his garbled but sweeping comment that Duke recruits only “black players that were ‘Uncle Toms,’ ” Jalen seems to change the usual meaning of those very vitriolic words into his own meaning, i.e., blacks from two-parent, middle-class families. He leaves us all guessing exactly what he believes today.”

First off, Grant: who responds via letter to the Times? Nowadays you fit that shit into 160 characters via Twitter. Your response should have read: “Jalen Rose iz str8 buggin. Coach K wuz 4eva bumpin Milez Daviz in practice. If dat makes me Unkle Tom, #itizwutitiz.” Next up, Grant, you’re trying to make it seem like Jalen Rose doesn’t know what he thinks about you, or what an Uncle Tom is. Quite the opposite, Grant. Jalen knew he was calling you a “bitch” who went to play for a white guy at a white school who generally only recruits white players. His words, not mine. By definition, that’s what made you an Uncle Tom in his eyes. Not the fact that you have two parents who work in a middle-class community. Why would THAT be a white thing? Nobody grows up with two parents in a middle-class environment these days. I thought Duke was supposed to be a good school? Don’t you know more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and 1% of Americans make up 90% of the countries wealth? The middle-class nuclear white family went out the window with pre-nups and 9/11. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

REBECCA BLACK KNOWS WHEN FRIDAY IS!!!

Effing Bieber! Dude created this whole new genre of music where his little tard chick fans think they can just make music on Youtube, and get famous so he’ll want to give them his purity ring or some crap. Biebers don’t just grow on trees, especially American ones. Is Rebecca Black shitting me? Do her friends think she is cool? There’s no way this video is serious, right? Just a bunch of 14 year-olds looking forward to Friday so they can “party”? This isn’t a 90210 episode, hunny. You and your gang aren’t robbing any liquor cabinets and dabbling in the booger sugar. At best, you’re chugging a Red Bull or two, playing “Truth or Dare” and buzzing off that caffeine while you send iChat videos to each others Facebook walls while sitting in the same room.

Really, I blame the parents here. At some point, your kid’s dreams have to get crushed. Simple fix to the cyber bullying their daughter should be enduring over this video would just be: “Darling, we know you want Justin’s purity ring, but your songs make as much sense as Helen Keller’s early work, and have the intellectual depth of a toddler’s soiled diaper.” Instead, this chicks rich-as-Satan parents decided to dump money into studio time, a freelance videographer, and whoever the old black dude is who dropped the hook that literally may have murdered Nate Dogg, today. What a sell-out. And Jalen Rose thinks Grant Hill is an “Uncle Tom.”

CHARLIE SHEEN’S EX IS BI-LOSING, OBVIOUSLY

Kacey Jordan, the porn star who joined Charlie Sheen in his epic January booze and cocaine bender that landed him in the hospital, may have attempted suicide. Jordan posted a series of suicidal tweets on Twitter Monday night from her Chicago hotel. “Those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen . . . messed me up . . . i can’t get that image out of my head . . . i think i keep trying to feel his pain,” she wrote.”I took a bunch of pills . . . drank a hotel size bottle of jack [Daniels whiskey],” she wrote in another tweet that sparked her followers to send cops to the Peninsula Hotel.

Classic porn star move. This is right out of the “Dirty Whore” book. Even when you’re a porn star, and you’re getting paid in Aston Martins by the Sheen to do drugs, have sex and be a rock star from Mars, there’s a certain code of conduct to follow. You don’t rat out the Sheen for his recent, now-epic drug binge. You had your sex, you got your car, now shut up and be gone. But no, you have to cling to greatness. Trying to ride those golden coattails into legitimate porn star status, because the only thing worse than being a porn star, is being a porn star no one had ever heard of. “Those 16 hours… really messed me up… I think i keep trying to feel his pain…” Seriously, toots?! Feel his pain? Charlie couldn’t feel pain even if he weren’t more numb than an icicle on novocaine due to decades of cocaine abuse, because he’s too busy winning! Now pick yourself up off that cold bathroom floor. Nobody is buying it.

This story just made me so angry I need some Rosie Jones…

... with an automatic rifle.

And that brings us to the end of yet another successful Smorgasblog! Who knew Rosie Jones would start and finish it? Okay, maybe we all did.

Stay tuned…



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Obama Gets Hit By a Bus! Sort of…

November 4, 2010

“Now I’m not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I took last night… I’m sure there are easier ways to learn these lessons.” – Barack Obama: 11/3/10

Much easier, Barack. If only little Malia and Sacha were old enough to be fans of Mean Girls, they could have forced daddy to watch and learn from the downfall of Regina George. Head of the “Plastics,” Regina rises to the top of the “girl world” food chain after strategically positioning friends and enemies against each other. (Yes, I enjoy Mean Girls thoroughly. It’s witty, and entertaining!) The problem with that strategy is, once it all hits the fan, she has nobody left who actually likes her.

Over these past two years, Obama’s policy and actions finally hit the fan. Tuesday night, as Republicans claimed 63 seats in the House and 6 seats

Obama has given that same stare to Pelosi and Reid, I'm not making this up.

in the Senate, with many races still left undecided more than a day later. You can’t tell Republicans that they can come along for the ride, “but they’ve gotta sit in the back of the bus,” (especially if you were white) like Obama did on the campaign trail before last night. You can’t refer to Republicans as the “enemies” of latinos, because they may not want illegal immigrants crossing the borders. Just like Regina got hit by that bus and had her head put in traction for the prom, Obama got hit by a bus and his presidency may be in traction for the next two years. You see, if you’re going to burn bridges, and piss people off for two straight years, you better be right. Tuesday night, the American public let Obama know he’s been more wrong than that time Stevie Wonder got spun around three times and dropped in a corn maze.

To this point in his presidency, Mr. Obama has acted with the arrogance

Sorry, Barack, but you're not in an indestructible suit running off technology yet to be discovered.

of Tony Stark, only he didn’t create the world’s greatest superweapon, and Pepper Potts isn’t his Chief of Staff. Now, it looks like he may actually sit down and speak with Republican leaders. Until Tuesday night’s Dem-debacle,  Obama never once spoke with then-Republican House Minority (now Majority) Leader John Boehner, or Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell about ways they could work together. That chat should be about as awkward as a one-night stand meeting the roommates the next morning. But not quite as awkward as any of Barney Frank’s one night stands.

The fact is, Obama never wanted to sit down and talk with Republicans, but now he’s been forced to. This is similar to a guy who consistently cheats on his girlfriend… until he gets caught. Then he’s sorry. Obama would have kept on pushing his agenda through Congress, if he still had the Congress. Just like that boyfriend would keep cheating on his girlfriend, if he didn’t get caught. People rarely change on their own, and we’ve seen Obama’s true colors. “Bipartisonship” is simply a fancy political word that the president used to get into his office, just like “weonlyhookeduponce” is the fancy word cheating boyfriends use.

One of the reasons I love politics is because they mirror sports. The election season is always filled with ups and downs for candidates, like any sports team. In the end, there is a winner and a loser. After the election, you get to follow how those people act with power. Along the way, you learn everything about the team. Who can’t shoot free throws. Who votes to increase the deficit. Who strikes out on sliders in the dirt. Who votes to pass a health care bill that will send premiums skyrocketing and could bankrupt the country. Who flirts improperly with Spanish sideline reporters. Who has a homosexual relationship with a Fannie Mae exec, thus backing the efforts of that executive as his company helps cripple the country’s economy (that last one is Barney Frank. Scroll back up to the previous end of paragraph joke if you didn’t get it the first time).

Here's the Spanish TV reporter... and you thought I would make you read a whole blog without a hot chick? I know my readership!

The last two years, Obama saw his career rise and fall faster than the Pogs fad. Except, Pogs only cost millions of kids their dignity on the playground, while Obama has cost the country trillions of dollars in debt, and our nation its dignity on a global scale as he goes around calling us “arrogant” and apologizing for our country being so powerful. What he failed to realize is the United States of America has 234 years of exploits and reasons for arrogance. Hopefully, Barack Obama only has two years left.

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Tea Party Stirs Midterm Election Night

November 2, 2010

I did it again. In keeping with the personal credo of my Halloween costumes, I chose a current event/issue and dressed as it for the day America overlooks slutty outfits. This idea all started when I dressed as Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball in 6th grade and won most original costume at my school’s family dance. Damn, were the girls flocking to me THAT night. Since then, amongst other things, I’ve been a Duke lacrosse player, one of Michael Vick’s dogs, the Stock Market, Allen from The Hangover and most recently, the Tea Party. All of those costumes were utter hits, as you can imagine, save for one.

Sunday night, whilst wearing a party hat, button down shirt, necklace of tea, and the Republican elephant symbol, a Jagermeister shot girl came up to my friends and I asking what we all were. She started off on fire. “Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Kenny Powers, a Caveman, Eminem and… uhhh, umm… is it your birthday?!” she asked me. “No, I’m the Tea Party. Get it. Party Hat. Tea. Republican symbol,” I responded. She didn’t get it. “You mean like, the Boston Tea Party?!” At this point I was far more interested in the bucket of alcoholic concoction that was in front of me, so I looked up and asked, “You’re not really a political junkie, are you?” To which she laughed and said, “Nooo, I was an English major. I hate history.” Exasperated, I ended the discourse: “Yes, you’re exactly right. I’m the Boston Tea Party. Now can I get a Jager lanyard or what?”

Sure, I got the lanyard, but there was a larger issue at hand here. An election that stood to shape our country’s future was two days away and this self-proclaimed college-educated Jager shot girl did not know what the Tea Party was. Now aside from the fact that I believe she majored in English about as much as I’d believe four consecutive strippers telling me they are just dancing to get through law school, I realized that this may be a very good thing. But not for Democrat politicians.

Perhaps Shakespeare was more her... cup of tea. Lame pun, FTW!

Flash back two years. “Hope and change!” “Yes we can!” Remember those fun little sayings? Gosh, they sure were neat. I recall them well. My peers came to class dressed in their trendy Obama tees. Street volunteers handed out pamphlets ranging from the plight of the Polar Bear, to mosquito nets in Africa, to why Obama would save America from debt, a crap economy and everyone not having healthcare, like in Europe! It didn’t matter to these leftists that “Europe” would just be called “Germany” if it wasn’t for “America.” To them, the last eight years of George W. Bush meant that America is evil and needs to hug foreign dictators more.

Flash forward to the present. Obama’s approval rating has shifted from 65% approving and 29% disapproving after a month in office, to 45.6% approving and 49.4% disapproving after two years in office. That’s a +36 to a -4. To put it another way, February 2009 Obama was Brooklyn Decker, while present-day Obama is Kelly Osbourne.

Yep. Brooklyn.

Present-day Barack? Is that you?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why did Obama get Kelly Osborne ugly, you ask? Partly because our federal deficit has doubled since he stepped into office. Partly because the economic stimulus did nothing to create new jobs, even though fuzzy math by the White House say it sort of did (too bad part-time Census worker jobs don’t come around every year). Partly because the health-care bill that got passed sucks. But mostly, because Obama has done nothing to create much “Hope.”

Sure, there’s been change, only all it did was piss off the largest group of America. The Americans who work hard for their money and would like to keep most of it, not give it to the government to fund failed stimulus bills, expansive health care bills, and legislation that lets illegal aliens live, work, and receive benefits from them. Those angry people formed a party named for the revolutionary act that took place when colonists rose up against the latest tax from King George III. In a way, my Jager shot girl wasn’t completely ignorant after all. The Boston Tea Party was the inspiration for the current Tea Party, sort of.

So here’s why young people not knowing what the Tea Party is becomes a problem for Obama-led Democrats. Because no one who rallied around the current president two years ago seems to even care about these mid-term elections. The man who led the social networking political movement failed to keep the attention of his newest voting group. You see, on the internet, you get your 15 minutes of fame, but usually fail to hold the attention of us over-diagnosed ADD ritalin addicts known as the 18-25 year old age bracket. We’ve got more important stuff to see and do, like watch the ultimate freakout kid on Youtube, and peruse Maxim’s Hot 100.

Arianny Celeste is #23... in case you were wondering.

So now, we get to see the election results tonight. Every single House seat is up for grabs. Thirty-seven Senate and Governor seats are open. The House is almost guaranteed to turn Republican. Which means no more Nancy Pelosi. The Senate should come closer to 50-50, which means no more jamming bills through to Fuhrer Obama. Meanwhile, Obama has become so unpopular that most Democrats did not even want his help in their campaign, as they try to distance themselves from his policy of the past two years. Even the least politically-inclined, like the Jager shot girl, knows that can’t be a good thing.

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The United Chile of America: Miracle at the Mine

October 14, 2010

They’re all safe! Yesterday, a billion people and I watched a bunch of dirty dudes with dirtier mustaches climb out of a tiny hole. 70 days ago, I read a story about the Chilean mine that collapsed and trapped 33 men more than 2,000 feet under a desert were they were thought to be dead. My first thought after typing that sentence is, “desert spelled with one s, because you don’t go back for seconds, it’s not ice cream or cake!” My second thought is, “how in the name of Minka Kelly’s holy body are these dudes alive?!” Sure enough, the mainstream media told me and those billion people that they are alive because Chile’s government is AWESOMEEE with all caps! You guessed it, welcome to my first politically-charged blog post.  But first… Minka…

Yeah, she's been named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive... so you should probably google her!

You see, Chile has been lauded by all the pundits since they “asked for help from anyone who would give it” in an effort to save these guys. Must be nice. When a disaster happens in the U-S of effin A, nobody flinches. Sure, England and Canada and some of the other white guys who speak funny types of English give us the obligatory “aid,” but at the end of the day, we’re on our own. Would I want it any other way? Absolutely not.

Actual depiction of Chilean Space Program.

Would Chile? Absolutely. Do we really need to applaud a country that has contributed very little to the rest of the world (not even CHILI! Their namesake)? What did these people expect the Chilean government to do? Consult their own non-existent space program? Have their own imaginary rocket scientists create a dietary plan that would keep these hombres alive? Use their own stone-age technology to create the drill bit that would dig the retrieval tunnel? Have their own highly skilled drill-man be the muchacho who guided the drill half a mile into this potential tomb? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Obviously, you know who did all of those things for Chile. There’s the Pennsylvania company that had the specialty drill (which used hammering and air-removal rather than a corkscrew drill process, that risked burying these men) within two days of the original collapse. There’s the Kansas company that devised the plan to retrieve the men. There’s the one-ton, 21” wide pod NASA created to bring these guys up. There’s the American, specialty drillman, brought in from a mission in Afghanistan to conduct the drilling itself. So naturally, after all of this, people had to bash the United States for not being able to respond quickly enough to Hurricane Katrina, or the BP Oil Spill. Let’s briefly compare the three:

Hurricane Katrina: Massive hurricane that has rarely been seen before thrashes an entire region of one of the most populated countries on earth. People die. People are hungry. Millions go homeless. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Inept fools!

BP Oil Spill: Massive oil spill that has rarely been seen before leaves a pipe gushing oil over a mile underwater. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Ignorant idiots!

San Jose Mine Collapse: 33 Guys are trapped in a hole underground. We know where they are. We are able to keep them alive with food. We need to figure out how to dig a hole and get them. US essentially figures out how. Chile is genius.

That’s right, we walked on the freaking Moon! Do we really need to measure manhood with Chile??

Clearly, there’s a double-standard here. I don’t need to go on. But I will, because another awesome thing came about. Normally, watching a bunch of guys who look exactly alike come out of a hole one-by-one, an hour at a time, isn’t great television. In this case, it was oddly mesmerizing. Along the way, some amazing stories came out of the woodwork about America saving these hombres from humble backgrounds. Here are my favorites:

Edison Pena: “The fittest of all the miners” according to one report, he ran 10 kilometers a day. Now, since I’m American I don’t know WTF a kilometer is, but it must be a lot since it made him the most fit of all these dudes. Seems kind of counter-intuitive to run an ass-ton every day while trying to survive in an 85 degree hole for over two months, but I digress. Edison also claims Elvis kept him alive when helpers were able to send down some of “The Kings”greatest tracks. He earned himself an all-expense paid trip to Graceland! Guess where Elvis is from, bitches?!

Mario Sepulveda: Did his best Terrell Owens impression upon reaching land. Running

SIGN THOSE THINGS, MARIO!!!

around, pumping up the crowd and high-fiving anything with a hand. All that was missing in his celebration dance was a sharpie being pulled from his sock and signing one of the onlooking, obese Chilean women’s breasts, followed by a 15-yard excessive celebration penalty from Ed Hochuli. You cannot tell me Mario hasn’t been inspired by “the land of the free” with his ostentatious display of grandeur. After all, no one does ostentatious displays of grandeur better than us. Can you say, “Fourth of July!?”

Esteban Rojas: This poor sap actually proposed to his wife before going to work on the mine, only to have her answer, “No, why?” Umm, I don’t know, to profess undying love and a bond through all of eternity? Anyway, once he got trapped underground, and she found out a rescue mission was underway, SHE DECIDED TO SAY YES! If you can find me anything more American than a gold-digging bitch toying with a vulnerable man, I’ll eat a crepe and wear a fedora.

CRAP! I FOUND SOMETHING! Oh wait, you didn’t find it, so I don’t have to do any of that flaming Euro garbage I just mentioned.

Yonni Barrios: The true definition of a man with American values, this crazy bastard invited both his wife AND his mistress to greet him upon leaving the mine. The wife said she had too much pride to show up knowing he invited his bang-on-the-side. Thankfully, the mistress was there, in all her beautiful obesity. So Yonni went 1-2 with a double. As so often happens in our great country, the sidepiece proves more loyal than the main squeeze. If Yonni’s not as American as apple pie… I don’t know what is.

Speaking of pie. Did anyone notice the size of every Chilean woman looking on in the crowd? Can we get a recount on the most obese country? Literally not one Chilean woman would be able to shop anywhere in the USA besides Lane Bryant and the maternity ward. Apparently, all the talent in South America ended up in Brazil. The rest of the continent is filled with chubbos who pound rice, beans and beef for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Due to a self-imposed ban on ugly chicks showing up on my blog... I give you Gisele, in all her oiled up glory.

After reading this blog, you’re probably not sure how to feel. I asked my sister if I should blog about Chile today and she gave me the “out of toilet paper” look and questioned whether it was too soon. Obviously, upon observing her initial reaction, I had to do it. Nothing bad happened. This meant it was open season on making fun of Chilean porn stashes and the gargantuan women they so easily seduce. Just know one thing, the “miracle at the mine” was only made possible because of one thing: a drill stamped MADE IN THE USA.

 

 

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Things That Are Less Popular Than BP

September 29, 2010

I read lots of articles online, but very rarely does a headline make me as warm inside as the one I saw today. It read: “Pelosi: As Unpopular as BP.” It’s not every day you get to see one of your least favorite politicians compared to the greatest accidental oil-related catastrophe, ever. (Awesome side-note you probably didn’t know: The largest oil spill ever was actually done on purpose. You guessed it… that sick bastard Saddam Hussein decided to dump somewhere between 380 and 520 million gallons of oil into the Arabian Gulf off Kuwait to keep US forces from landing in Iraq. Epic fail).

Alas, today, I actually got to see this. Tickled as I was, this got me thinking: what are some of the worst things in my life, and would they be as unpopular in my eyes as BP? First off, BP isn’t really THAT unpopular in my eyes. For some reason, the part of my brain that is supposed to feel bad for helpless wildlife covered in liquid black gold, isn’t fazed. I actually kept finding myself feeling worse and worse for BP throughout the spill. Every day they were hemorrhaging not only oil, but money and shareholders. Perhaps I simply love capitalism too much.

I know. I'm a terrible person. But this did not move the needle on my emotionometer.

Fortunately, I can understand how some people (especially the Green Peace weirdos on college campuses) would think that being as unpopular as BP would make someone about as popular as a fart in church. Since I know firsthand how popular a fart in church is… I present you my personal list of the first 7 things that came to mind that are as unpopular as BP (or a fart in church).

1- Nancy Pelosi: Aside from being an elderly woman who probably smells like a mix of prune juice and designer perfume, she speaks for a house that has passed a healthcare reform bill that will probably get repealed, and a “stimulus” bill that has just sent us into a double-dip recession while creating jobs that cost anywhere between 500,00 and 2 million per job, and increased the country’s federal debt by nearly 2.5 trillion. Yes, trillion with a “T.” I’m no economist, but that’s like a lot of billions, and can’t be good. The more I read this, it’s almost an insult to BP that Pelosi is being compared to them, and not the other way around. I mean, really… what’s a few gulf fish and birds in the long run?

2- Girls in Huge Sunglasses: An issue nearly as important as our country’s healthcare, economy and national debt, is the current sunwear epidemic sweeping the nation. For whatever reason, detached fashion

She must be hiding SOMETHING... but maybe not. But probably.

designers sitting around in Europe, smoking long cigarettes, eating crepes and hating America decided sunglasses should now cover over 70% of female faces. Like water on the earth’s surface, girls now don enormous pieces of plastic with temple-stampled “Gucci” “DG” or “Prada” on their faces. Fortunately for ugly girls, they look almost exactly like hot girls now. Unfortunately for guys, ugly girls look almost exactly like hot girls now. If that’s not as unpopular a movement as BP, I don’t know what is…

3- Ben Roetlisberger: What a piece of garbage this guy is. Sometimes, when you’re 6’4” and fat, but you’re the starting quarterback of the Steelers and have won two Super Bowls, you feel as though you deserve to get women who won’t care that you’re fat, I guess. When that doesn’t work for you, you decide rape is the next best thing to consent. You don’t even wait to roofie a girl and get her home in a bed, you trap her in a bathroom at a nightclub and have one of your “bodyguards” block off the hallway. Yeah, this makes you as unpopular as BP. (Awesome side-note: You also happen to be my starting quarterback in two fantasy leagues as soon as you return from suspension. Hey, this is a business, and I have no problem rooting for your statistics. GO BEN!”

Trust me, Moms... you aren't this hot in a bikini.

4- Women Over 40 in Bikinis: With summer winding down, one image is seared into my memory and it is as unpopular as BP. Old moms wearing bikinis. Seriously, unless you’re Jennifer Aniston, you shouldn’t be 40+ and wearing a bikini, and let’s be honest, you’re not as insane as Jennifer Aniston (future blog entry to come on how insane Jennifer Aniston must be). We don’t need to see how 40 years of gravity has effected your skin, and flab. More importantly, we definitely don’t need to see that C scar the little annoying kid, who keeps kicking sand in my face, popped out of.

5- Autumn: No, she’s not an ex-girlfriend, she’s that 1/4 of Mother Nature that bitch slaps me 3 months a year. It’s bad enough you used to represent the start of school and another Yankees World Series (until 2004), but you add to it the end of warm weather, the dropping of leaves, and shorter darker days. In a couple weeks, it will be pitch black and 36 degrees by 4PM. Raking leaves sucks. Apple picking is as boring as the WNBA. Pumpkin picking is even worse, like, LPGA bad. Some morons out there will say the foliage is worth it. I’ll say Google images would suffice. Doing no research at all, I’m also going to guarantee that suicide rates spike in the Northeast during this season. I say that because I doubt people enjoy their own self as much as I do, and the thought of offing myself creeps into the back of my mind at times during Autumn.

6- Sushi: Cold, uncooked fish wrapped in seaweed and rice. Only yuppie liberals could possibly turn this into a fashionable trend in food. Wow, it comes with soy sauce and pieces of ginger and wasabi? Get me some fried rice with General Tsao’s chicken or I don’t want any part of asian culinary conquests. If you’re a guy and you’re reading this getting upset that I am hating on sushi, you probably suck. If you’re a girl, it’s cool, I don’t want to share any of your odd eating habits any way (especially those of the binge and purge ilk). In the interest of full disclosure, I have eaten Sushi before, and probably will again. Only I’ll be on my 5th or 6th saki bomb, and fiending something to shovel into my stomach that is drenched in the salty goodness of Soy Sauce.

7- Bikers: You are not Lance Armstrong. You probably have two testicles. You

If you don't look like this on a bike... get a car, please.

definitely haven’t won a Tour de France. Get out of your spandex and off the effing road. I do not care that you’re being green, and have less than 4% body fat, I have no qualms taking my right and having you ride into my passenger-side door. My door will be fine, you won’t. These people are the road’s version of an annoying itch you can’t reach on your back. Bonus points if you bike in actual street lanes like you deserve all the rights of a motorist. If you really feel that way, let’s play one game of chicken. I guarantee a win.

Rest assured, there are lots of other things that are less popular than BP: like genital warts, people with poor grammar and hangovers. However, they weren’t the first seven things I thought of, and I don’t really know how to expand on genital warts, people with poor grammar or hangovers, because I’ve never experienced them personally. Maybe one day soon I’ll blog about how I’ve never had a hangover, but until then, this entry will have to suffice.

Stay tuned…