I’m not going to expand on why I haven’t blogged in over a month. Just know that the thought of writing about sports, or even hot girls made me sick after recent life events (mainly, a Patriots playoff loss, but some other stuff, too). Sprinkle in the fact that it has snowed twice a week for the past month and my fingers have been rendered useless for large stretches, and you get the point. Thankfully, pitchers and catchers officially reported to spring training today, eternally lifting my spirits. The clothed orgy of insanity known as the Grammy’s took place last night, the Celtics once again beat the Heat yesterday afternoon, and on top of all that, I’ve got Valentine’s to give out! So let’s jump right into this. This Valentine’s Smorgasblog is brought to you by none other than Ana de la Reguera! If you missed her and her ass on Eastbound and Down this past season, you may suck. However, HBO is re-airiing seasons 1 & 2 Friday nights at 9:30. Ana…
TOP 3 GRAMMY MOMENTS:
1: Eminem– I posted the following Facebook status as his performance happened: “Eminem just consistently murders awards shows. He should be contractually obligated to appear at them.” All my white friends “liked” it, and my friend Tunde, who isn’t white, said he was lip syncing. This isn’t about race, but seriously, dude just goes absolutely ballistic during his raps, and consistently outshines all the poplets who try to sing on live shows. Katy Perry tried singing last night, and it just made us all yearn for her to be in a studio getting auto-tuned into an unrecognizable fembot. Eminem goes out and nearly breaks blood vessels in his eyes while ripping the veins out of his neck like a constipated frat bro on a Sunday morning toilet binge, but in a good way. If you can imagine that, now.
2: Lady Gaga– She has officially transcended freak. First, she filmed her 60 Minutes interview with Anderson Cooper in underwear and
people thought “well that’s freaking weird.” Then they saw her in the embryonic stage during the Grammy Red Carpet and turned weird into outright insane. I used to be oddly attracted to Gaga, probably because “Bad Romance” became our anthem during senior year Spring Break and I only associated amazingness with that week.
Nowadays, I would honestly fear for my life if I was in a close space with her. She just seems like the kind of chick who would chloroform the hell out of you before ripping your genitals off and dining on them with a glass of “Red Wine” just as you gained consciousness and could watch. I hope I didn’t just give her ideas for next year. Nah, who am I kidding, she probably does that on a tame Tuesday night, not Grammy Night.
3. Esperanza Spalding– The most hated woman in America with girls ages 8-25. If you didn’t hear the shrieks of tweens everywhere as she won the Grammy for best new artist, you weren’t listening. This was easily the most hilarious moment of the night. Bieber was out there just pop n’ locking the taste out of girls mouths, singing his little lesbowl haircut off. All was right in the world. Until Esperanza had her name read for the Grammy. Immediately, Twitter started eating itself, while Facebook vomited non-stop, irate, pro-Bieber fever tweets and statuses. Esperanza was having her name tweeted as “Esmerelda” and girls in training bras watched in horror as this chick started playing a bass and jazzing her ass off. Meanwhile, the right thing happened. Did nobody else wonder how Bieber was even in the category for “Best New Artist”? Dude had his first album released in 2009, and it went “Platinum.” Go count your money and tongue Selena Gomez, this is Esperanza’s day, Biebs.
If none of what I wrote about the Grammy’s made you laugh, there’s always this…
If that didn’t do it for you, this should…
At one point, after Big Baby flawlessly executed the worst missed dunk in NBA history and before Paul Pierce finished the game 0-10 with 1 point, you still knew the Celtics were going to win. One of my more trusted friend’s sports opinions commented that at this point, the ceiling for the Heat this season is Eastern Conference Finals. He really could not be more right. Their talent alone lets them run roughshod through the rest of the meek NBA (there might be four teams with a chance at the title, and that includes the Heat). But, when they face Boston, the difference in championship caliber is as clear as water in a fishbowl under a magnifying glass (in a glass bottomed boat? Too much, too soon?).
An offense based around two great players (Lebron, Dwyane) going one on five, and one good player standing around 18 feet from the basket waiting to hit kickout jumpers (Chris Bosh) just won’t beat Boston. Yesterday, Rajon Rondo even decided to guard whoever dribbled the ball over half court, regardless of their size, and it worked! Nobody on Boston played extremely well, (Rondo had the most nondescript triple-double in league history), but they still beat the “Heatles”, the hands down winner for lamest self-ascribed nickname in sports history.
MY HOPELESS VALENTINE:
Dianna Agron: You Gleek’s know her as Quinn Fabray, the cheerleader who took Finn on an emotional roller-coaster while baring Puck’s child during season one (what up Wikipedia). I know her as the blonde-haired flawless chick who just consistently saves scenes in that show by being so damn hot. Like, she’s got the girl next door looks, a voice from heaven, an ass from hell, and based on her Glee character, she’s DTF. What’s not to like? I’ll tell you what… NOTHING.
Since she’s not my Valentine, I’m going to watch “Serendipity” starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. Don’t judge me, brah!