MLB Nostradamusing 2011

Smell that? Well, of course not. You can’t smell words typed on a screen within the internets. But, hypothetically, you can conjure the smell: that mix of freshly cut grass, grilled hot dogs, oiled leather and salty nuts (including the ones in need of a shower after you baked in the bleacher’s sun during a day game). Yes, it is finally,

God. Bless. America.

wonderfully, baseball season. More American than a pair of blue jeans and a stars and stripes bikini on Burke Burke, riding in a Ford pickup listening to Kenny Chesney eating McDonald’s outside the White House, baseball season isn’t just the first true sign that winter is over, but it is the hope of summer. With baseball comes bikinis, broads, beaches, BBQs, beer, (party) buses, Brooke Burke and, obviously, alliteration. All the best things in life. Without further ado, and because I ran out of awesome things that start with a “B”, besides Boston Red Sox, I give to you, my official 2011 MLB Preview.

BEST NON-BASEBALL RELATED STORIES ENTERING 2011

Thankfully, Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac got robbed just days before I wrote this blog, or the only story I’d have to talk about is Alexi Ogando being involved in a human trafficking ring. Since they did get robbed, I actually have something to talk about. Basically, if I were writing the story, it goes something like: “CLEARWATER, FLA.- Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac know all about hard work. Bro’ing out hardcore in a mansion while playing Spring Training baseball, plowing through groupie slores away on spring break and balling out on the XBox sticks, whilst wearing insured watches and burning money can be an exhausting proposition for most. No ordinary human can fathom having to lock the aforementioned mansion’s door on top of all that. Well, in a real plot twist, all their cool stuff got stolen. Included are Price’s 50k watch collection, Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle, and Brignac’s 1976″ HOLD UP! Stop, Colt.

Fascist haircut.

Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle?! THE UFF?!” Yes. Apparently, Evan Longoria is the most anti-American mother-uffer in the MLB because dude straight up legally owns an AK-47, not an M-16. Wait, you’re surprised? You thought he rocked that faux-mullet-mohawk because he wasn’t an eastern European post-Soviet break-up insurgent preparing to waste anyone who dare attempt stealing his pricey American trinkets?! Oh, word.

Now back to that Alexi Ogando story, because, I shit you not, dude is a registered human trafficker (I feel like you have to register for such an offense, right?). Back in

Because that last picture of Evan didn't do it for you, the reader.

’05 (I don’t know how to type the “Aught” sound people are using for the 00’s, but read it like that, for fancy historical context) Ogando was minding his own business re-entering the United States, trying to get his pitch on, when federal agents were waiting for him. It seems, an inordinate amount of Latin players were marrying chicks who got denied US Visas (I couldn’t get a credit card for a while either) at the time. Ogando pleaded guilty to this crime, got arrested, and banned from US re-entry for five years. If you’re thinking: “Shit, that’s illegal?!” I’m right there with you. If this whole underemployment thing doesn’t keep working out for me, I planned to get some money/a wife this way. Just goes to show, the “human trafficking” world isn’t all about finding US-born virgins following U2 around in France, abducting them, getting them addicted to meth, and auctioning them off to Saudi Sheiks. That’s just the plot to Taken. Thankfully, it’s been five years, Ogando is pissed, and is just striking out Americans with fastballs from hell. He’s back to being a rich baseball player, a fifth starter in the Rangers rotation, an ace in my heart, and on my fantasy team, obviously. God Bless America. Again.

BEST OFF-SEASON ACQUISITION

AL: Carl Crawford, Red Sox

Unfortunately for Carl, the Red Sox signed Darnell McDonald and his neck tattoos just before last season, or Carl Crawford would be the first Sox player to hold such an honor. Look, this isn’t the NBA, neck tats don’t just grow on Rule V drafts. Fortunately for the Red Sox, Crawford might be their most dynamic player, ever. By dynamic, I mean most freakishly athletic with all five of the tools that smart people say players have (six if you include neck tats as a tool). He will make a huge impact in the clubhouse (where rap music immediately moves up the locker room playlist), and on the field (where he’s just really good at baseball).

NL: Cliff Lee, Phillies

Uncle Cliffy gets absolutely no props for this one. While the Phillies made an amazing move acquiring the best pitcher in baseball via free agency, Lee made an amazingly whipped move of going back to an ex-girlfriend, er, team. While hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, apparently, Cliff Lee hath no problem with a team trading his ass and then going back to them once they begged. If you’re wondering how the “woman scorned” thing comes into play there, I’m not sure. But here’s a woman that has been scorned once or twice…

Oh hey, Jenn Sterger's ready for the baseball season!

WORST OFF-SEASON MOVE

AL- NY Yankees, Idle

“Idle hands end up doing work the Devil would do if he were in the Yankees front-office” goes the old saying. Sure enough, this off-season, the Yankees whiffed on every pitch they saw. Even when everyone penciled in Cliff Lee as their newest $100+ million man, nobody took into account the whole “When Cliff Lee faced the Yankees in the World Series, ignorant classless NY fans heckled his wife in the stands… Effect.” Ouch, brah.

NL- St. Louis Cardinals, Pujols Contract

When you have Albert Pujols under contract, and you own not only Anheuser-Busch, but also the St. Louis Cardinals, you “pay zee mon hees moniez”, as Teddy KGB would say in Rounders. Instead, the Cardinals balked at the concept that Pujols isn’t worth 30 million a year, and now, they get to duel with the Red Sox or Yankees this off-season to try to re-sign him. Thankfully, the Pujols distraction may not matter since Wainwright’s injury probably killed their season dead, anyway.

I'd still go to a Cards game without Albert there, if these chicks are... with Budweisers... just sayin'

BEST PITCHER WHO THROWS BASEBALLS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE

AL: Felix Hernandez, Mariners (Again)

King Felix (I just Googled who King Felix actually was, you know, in history. Can’t find anything… so yeah, sweet nickname, brah) is just too good at throwing a baseball. Jon Lester is everyone’s pick this year, but just because the Sox offense got better doesn’t mean he’s not facing the Yankees, Blue Jays, Rays and even an improved Orioles lineup 76 times this year. Felix the Cat (much more recognizable nickname, I think), on the other glove, gets to face crappy AL West lineups like the Angels and A’s. CC Sabathia may have lost weight this off-season, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read that five consecutive years, and I think his innings and calories toll finally starts wearing him down into more of a tier-two pitcher.

NL: Roy Halladay, Phillies

Doc Halladay (I get this nickname, Doc Holliday was a famous gunfighter… if you didn’t get it) wins this award by default. I think Cliff Lee has a bit of a problem adjusting BACK to the NL, Josh Johnson would be my pick, but he has to face the Phillies and Braves and all their good pitchers/lineups far too often. Lincecum finally snaps his arm off at the rotator cuff, Wainwright is already out for the year, as previously mentioned, and Ubaldo Jimenez will regress from a season that still wasn’t enough to win this award last year. Plus, it’s not like Halladay isn’t amazingly consistent and gets to face the Mets a lot or anything.

Since that's the only time I'll mention the Mets in this blog, this Mets fan is dedicated to my friend, Bertie... I drink whiskey and talk baseball with him sometimes. America.

MAN WITH A BAT AND GLOVE WHO USES THOSE INSTRUMENTS THE BEST

AL: Adrian Gonzalez, Red Sox

Dude got to leave the worst hitter’s park for Major Leaguers, but nicest place for normal humans to live, and come to a park tailor made for his swing. There’s this huge green wall in Boston that makes it easy for left-handed hitters, who use the opposite field, to get hits and home runs. A-Gon (I know there’s like 13 of these currently playing in the major leagues), I mean, Adrian Gonzalez, happens to be one of those perfect left-handed hitters. He also happens to be hitting behind Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia and Carl Crawford. Add it all up, add in gold-glove caliber defense, and you win my award for using a bat and glove the best.

NL: Albert Pujols- St. Louis Cardinals

There's just something about a girl in... knee pads...

Because he only loses this award when voters get tired of writing his name. In my opinion, those voters are probably racist and think he should Americanize his name to Pooholes. Well, this isn’t Ellis Island, bitches, and Pujols is still the best hitter alive and probably ever. Seriously, when it is all said and done, he may be the greatest player ever. Plus, he dated a chick with an Autistic son, married her, adopted the kid, and does more charity work than Mother Theresa in a down year (you know, when she was living and doing whatever charity work it was that she did?). I guess some other contenders are Hanley Ramirez, Prince Fielder and Carlos Gonzalez ::yawn::

BEST YOUNG PLAYER WHO WINS THE AWARD FOR BEST FIRST SEASON

Honestly, I’m not even making this prediction, because the award is kind of dumb, has almost no impact on the rest of the recipients career and almost always goes to a top prospect who gets called up during the season. Since I try to be perfect, or at least better than everyone else, I refuse to open myself up to ridicule. Gun to the head, though, AL goes to Rays pitcher Jeremy Hellickson, because he’s supposed to be real good. NL goes to Giants 1B Brandon Belt, because I read about him yesterday and he sounds real good, too. Here’s what I can predict: this next picture will be hot.

Yup, I was right.

SO, WHO IS WORLD SERIES CHAMPION

Word count tells me I just hit 1,750. As a reward to those of you still reading, I’ll get right to the winner. San Francisco… will not win it again, this year. Sure, they’ve got nice pitching and all, but like I said, Lincecum is snapping his arm off this year, and their offense sucks… so, the Yankees… won’t even make the playoffs since I’m positive no more than 19 of their fans can name their #4 and #5 pitchers, and that includes AJ Burnett as their #3, which is gross (quick side note: back in college, a late night Red Sox/Yankees argument broke out between my best friend and Yankees fan, Angelo, and myself. In the heat of the drunken moment, I repeatedly asked him to name their #3 starter at the time. In his defense, they had a rash of injuries, and I’m not sure Brian Cashman knew the answer. Short story, long, we almost came to blows, but decided shotgunning a beer would be better. It was a great decision)… so, the Phillies… won’t win the World Series, because Atlanta will beat them in the NLCS thanks to a pitching staff that is nearly as deep and a lineup that is far deeper (particularly with Utley’s status in doubt). With Atlanta in the World Series, all that’s left is naming the AL champion… the Rangers… are not it, though, as they lose to the Red Sox in the ALCS because, well, they aren’t as good. Which leaves us with the World Series matchup of Red Sox vs. Braves, to be held in Fenway Park after the American League restarts their All-Star win streak.

So… the Red Sox win the 2011 World Series. Yes, as a diehard Red Sox fan this is biased. Yes, I’m sick even making this prediction. I don’t know why I’m not giving the Yankees a guaranteed jinx and picking them, but instead I’m giving this the reverse jinx. With Lester, Buchholz, Beckett, Lackey and Dice-K, nobody in the American League matches up 1-5 in the rotation. With a lineup that adds Crawford, Gonzalez and a healthy Pedroia and Youkilis, no lineup matches up in all of baseball. All joking aside, my honest opinion says it’s the Red Sox World Series to lose.

If you didn't like this blog... this is all I have to say.

Stay tuned…

March Madness Meets Military Operation

During the second stanza of possibly the wildest opening weekend in NCAA tournament history, the United States fired missiles at Libya in a mission known as, “Operation: Odyssey Dawn.” While I won’t get into the politics of the decision to devote military personnel into a third realm of the Middle East, I will call out the obvious. America does two things better than anyone since the ancient Greeks: Sports and War. Not only do we do them well, we also give sweet names to the invasions (“Overlord,” “Rolling Thunder,” “Shock and Awe”) or plays (“The Immaculate Reception,” “The Annexation of Puerto Rico,” “The Shot Heard Round the World”) in regards to both ventures. The ultimate goal of this blog may be to parlay it into a copy-writer position sitting around the Pentagon with a Thesauras and legal pad just making up bad-ass names of missile deployments.

For now, I’ll get back to March Madness. I can still give awesome mission names to the biggest players, teams and stories heading into the Sweet 16. So even if your bracket is more busted than Tiger Woods new girlfriend (google it), enjoy.

OPERATION: SONIC PERIL

Chicks with guns will obviously be the images throughout today's blog.

Victims: Pittsburgh, Texas

Target: Referees

Both of these teams heard the earth-shattering, nightmarish noise that represents imminent death. Much like the noise of a Tomahawk Missile en route to destruction, a referees whistle signaled the end for each of these teams. In both cases, that referee should have been waterboarded as punishment. In both cases, the game tilted on the axis of a referee deciding he is the most important man on the court. For Pitt, refs called a reach in foul on a defensive rebound with the Butler player’s back to the basket, which stood 90 feet away with 1.2 seconds on the clock. Read that again. I honestly don’t care if Matt Howard, the Butler player who corralled the Pitt miss, got shot by a Pitt player who holstered a gun in his jock, you cannot make that call in a tie game.

For Texas, the heartbreak may be worse. The five second inbounding count in basketball gets called less often than an ugly girl after a one night stand. Texas, however, faced off against a referee who not only called it, but called it at FOUR seconds as the Texas player signaled for the timeout at the same time. Instead of Texas being up two and at the free throw line, they allowed an and one that sealed their fate, and booked their flight back to Austin, a round earlier than expected. Hopefully, in the Sweet 16 and onward, referees will learn to swallow their whistles with the game in the balance and anything short of a maimed ear being the infraction.

OPERATION: NUMERIC STUN

Victim: Syracuse, Notre Dame, Purdue

Target: Marquette, Florida St., VCU, Richmond

Nobody picked the current group of 16 teams to qualify for the second week of the NCAA tournament. Literally. Check ESPN’s bracket challenge and not one person got all 16 right. The reason? One 12 seed (Richmond), two 11 seeds (VCU and Marquette) and a 10 seed (Florida St.) who nobody gave more than a passing first game chance to. In VCU’s case, “experts” got on soap boxes in the days leading up to the tournament to argue how badly the committee messed up by picking them. All VCU has done is blow out everyone they’ve played worse than Pauly D’s hair. That includes Purdue, many people’s (mine included) pick to reach the Elite 8.

Florida St. faced a Notre Dame team that almost garnered a number one seed this year. Unfortunately, the Irish couldn’t garner any points against a suffocating Seminole defense. With a matchup against VCU coming, one underdog will be euthanized. Richmond should follow soon after as they have the undesirable duty of playing tourney favorite Kansas.

Which brings us to Marquette. They had already beaten Syracuse once this year, so the recent win shouldn’t have shocked anyone. Marquette’s true upset started before any games were played. Their three best players, do-it-all forwards Jimmy Butler and Jae Crowder, and lefty sniper Darius Johnson-Odom are Junior College transfers. Basically, they either came out of high school with an SAT under 820 or no scholarship offers. All three are legitimate talents with the toughness, but maybe not the skill to beat a team of silver-spooned athletes like North Carolina.

OPERATION: MAMMOTH FURY

Battle Tank: Jared Sullinger, the Morris Twins

B52 Bomber: Derrick Williams, Harrison Barnes, Kawhi Leonard

Prey: Unskilled or Undersized Big Men

Any good military operation has its tanks on the ground and its bombers in the air. In both cases, we are talking about some massive machinery doing things never before seen in modern warfare. The same rings true in this year’s NCAA tournament. Here’s a line on each of these guys.

Jared Sullinger: With a posterior that gives Nikki Minaj a run for her money, Sullinger gets the best low post position of any big man in the game. Combine hands that would make a Vietnamese nail technician jealous, and you’ve got a load to handle in the Buckeyes paint.

The Morris Twins: Marcus and Markieff have distinct skills, we’ve been told, but every time somebody on Kansas does anything, whether its a three or a dunk, it’s one of them. As I’ve already postulated, their mother must have birthed them in vitro using the Wolverine aqua pod, and their games thus far (31 pts, 17 rebs combined in round one, 41-24 in round two) have been just as super-heroic.

Derrick Williams: After shooting 58% from three on the year, the 6’8” Williams vaulted himself into the #1 draft pick talk. He has been slashing more en route to games of  22-10 and 17-9 so far in this tourney. His and one against Texas won the game for the ‘Cats, but it might take a true explosion against Duke for Arizona to advance further.

Harrison Barnes: Another 6′ 8” wing, Barnes, the freshman savior, fell victim to the hype machine early. Now he is finally hitting his stride for the Heels, scoring 24 with 16 boards in round one. Then, he got hot with four threes and 22 points in the nailbiter over Washington. Barnes is the total package and if he gets a couple more wins, he may return to #1 overall status by draft time.

Kawhi Leonard: The former California HS Player of the Year is the main reason San Diego St. has been in the top 10 all year. At 6’8” with the wingspan of a 747, Leonard needs to be sharper if the Aztecs want to beat the UConn Kembas. It says something that he has still posted lines of 21-10 and 16-9 without playing a complete game. I just wish he’d ditch the cornrows. They’re so ‘Melo ’03.

OPERATION: FLEETING PULSE

Target: North Carolina, Duke, Kansas; Victim (Potentially): Marquette, Arizona, Richmond

Every one of these blue-blood programs have played very Jekyll and Hyde thus far. While the Tar Heels rolled in the first round, they narrowly escaped a Washington team that hung around all game and almost capped off a late comeback before John Henson deflected an in bounds pass that ended the Huskies run. Duke played a near identical game in their match-up against Michigan. The Wolverines kept hanging around until a late run of their own ended on a missed floater in the lane that would have sent the game to overtime. Meanwhile, Kansas slogged through 30 minutes against my alma mater Boston University until finally pulling away for a 19 point win (Vegas loss). The Jay Hawks looked better in round two, but still allowed a far less talented team in Illinois to keep it tight.

If any of these teams continue to struggle early, with the way this tournament has brought down top seeds, they won’t survive the two games required to reach the Final Four in Houston. Fortunately for all of them, they got good draws in the round of 16 thanks to upsets, and should have one more chance to work the kinks out before a true test in the Elite 8. I still think one of these three giants catch a slingshot to the eye.

OPERATION: TRANSCENDENT STAR

F-16s: Jimmer Fredette, Kemba Walker

Prey: Any opposing defender

Two names more popular than Bieber and Sheen to the college basketball world are Jimmer and Kemba. The first two rounds of the tournament did nothing to dispel the fact that these are the two most electric superstars in the game. With polar opposite New York styles, (Kemba is the Bronx playground point guard with the ability to get anywhere on the court. Jimmer is the Buffalo combo guard with the ability to shoot from anywhere on the court) the two players rarely resemble each other anywhere but the “PTS” column in a box score. Kemba had just 18 points in UConn’s rout over Bucknell, but he flipped in 12 measly assists while he was at it. Then, everyone got to see the real Kemba Walker. Scoring 16 in the final 10 minutes, Kemba ripped Cincy for 33 points including a perfect 14-14 from the line, with an unofficial four twisted Bearcat ankles and two lost dignities in the process.

Not to be outdone, Jimmer has dropped 30 plus in each of his tourney games. When your name has turned into a verb, as in, “Damn, you just got Jimmered by that white boy,” you know you’re pretty good. In game one, Jimmer had an “off night” the way Warren Buffett has an “off” stock tip, as he only shot 2-9 from distance, but still scored 32.  In his next game, many thought Gonzaga held the advantage across the board. If that was true, nobody accounted for Jimmer. He poured in  7 threes and 34 points. For a kid who grew up going to the local prison in order to find talent on par with his, he has yet to find it in this NCAA tournament. That could spell major problems for the Florida Gators in the Sweet 16, as their point guard, Erving Walker, is 5’8” on a tall day and the man trying to stop Jimmer, Kenny Boynton is banged up with injury.

While they reside on opposite sides of the bracket, and personal style spectrum, Jimmer and Kemba could meet in a national championship game. If that happens, the game would not only decide a National Champion, but also the debate of best player in college basketball.

OPERATION: MYSTICAL FLAW

Target: Ohio St.

Guns, America, Perfect

Victim: The rest of the field

Where is the Buckeyes weakness? In my initial March Madness preview column, they got the Marissa Miller “perfect” tag. I said they were as complete a team as you’d find in college basketball, along with Kansas. Now, after two rounds of play, they are head and shoulders above everyone else. They walked through their warm-up scrimmage with Texas San Antonio, then played even better against George Mason, the hottest team coming into the tournament. That game did pose a threat to the Buckeyes, and even gave a quick window to the soul of the team. Down 11-2 with George Mason players talking trash, Sullinger bumped shoulders with an opposing player and whispered to him, “It’s over, Yo.”

After that guarantee, the Buckeyes closed the first half on a 50-15 run for the ages. When it was all said and done, Sullinger scored 18 in just 22 necessary minutes. William Buford matched those 18 and Jon Diebler scored 13, while each hit four threes. David Lighty poured in 25 points on a perfect 7-7 from distance, thanks to perfect set ups from Aaron Craft who dropped 15 dimes off the bench. No other team in this tournament can have such a statistically perfect box score than the Buckeyes. They have prototype players at every position on the floor, and will never be at a matchup disadvantage. Even when Diebler, Buford or Lighty, in any combination, are off the mark, they can compensate for each other seamlessly.

I obviously just jinxed the Buckeyes into a cold shooting performance, early foul trouble and an upset loss to Kentucky. Thankfully, nobody really reads this blog, so maybe word won’t get out. For the sake of my bracket, it better not.

Smorgasblog: Obama Bro’ing Out! Sheen’s Power, Uncle Tom, Youtube Chick “Singers”

Porn stars, the president, Uncle Tom, and internet video sensations. Unfortunately, not all in one story, or we’d have the best blog ever, today. But, it’s still damn good, and even Rosie Jones would be proud. Too much awesome stuff to mix into one pre-determined hot girl as your presenter of today’s Smorgasblog, so I’m just going to let it flow and see what hotness can be conjured up… Enjoy. But first…

Oh, Rosie... so good to have you back in my internet space.

OBAMA JUST BRO-ING OUT LIKE IT’S HIS DAMN JOB!

Barack, I know I’ve been writing gold, but you need to chill out with this Revolver obsession. Mr. President has obviously been reading my last two blogs about Spring Break and March Madness. First, he’s on ESPN today making his NCAA picks with his brother from an American-born mother, Andy Katz. Showing his true political beliefs, Obama resorted to an often used tactic of his in the Illinois Senate as he simply voted “present” rather than taking a stand. Dude picked nothing but 1 seeds to make it to the Final Four. For the love of Allah, show a little backbone, Barry.

But, that’s not all Barack is doing to show his love for the Revolver. This weekend, he’s hopping a jet to Rio de Janiero to just shred it up with the finest hunnies in the world. Clearly, the Spring Break Survival Guide I wrote earlier this week got him too hot to just sit around being presidential. I mean, it’s not like Japan just exploded, the stock market has dropped, and Gadhafi is killing his own people in Libya and taking back power. To top it off, all White House events today are “closed press” except for a ceremony praising Obama’s “committment to transparent government.” Gotta love his style. Just spitting in the winds of adversity. Here’s some ass the president can expect down in Brazil.

Emanuela de Paula just melting keyboards and frying motherboards.

GRANT HILL GETS CALLED AN UNCLE TOM

By now, you probably read about the letter Grant Hill sent to the New York Times. Hill responded to an interview from Jalen Rose’s documentary on Michigan’s “Fab Five” basketball team, in which he and other black Duke players were referred to as “Uncle Toms.” If you haven’t, here’s an excerpt: “In his garbled but sweeping comment that Duke recruits only “black players that were ‘Uncle Toms,’ ” Jalen seems to change the usual meaning of those very vitriolic words into his own meaning, i.e., blacks from two-parent, middle-class families. He leaves us all guessing exactly what he believes today.”

First off, Grant: who responds via letter to the Times? Nowadays you fit that shit into 160 characters via Twitter. Your response should have read: “Jalen Rose iz str8 buggin. Coach K wuz 4eva bumpin Milez Daviz in practice. If dat makes me Unkle Tom, #itizwutitiz.” Next up, Grant, you’re trying to make it seem like Jalen Rose doesn’t know what he thinks about you, or what an Uncle Tom is. Quite the opposite, Grant. Jalen knew he was calling you a “bitch” who went to play for a white guy at a white school who generally only recruits white players. His words, not mine. By definition, that’s what made you an Uncle Tom in his eyes. Not the fact that you have two parents who work in a middle-class community. Why would THAT be a white thing? Nobody grows up with two parents in a middle-class environment these days. I thought Duke was supposed to be a good school? Don’t you know more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and 1% of Americans make up 90% of the countries wealth? The middle-class nuclear white family went out the window with pre-nups and 9/11. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

REBECCA BLACK KNOWS WHEN FRIDAY IS!!!

Effing Bieber! Dude created this whole new genre of music where his little tard chick fans think they can just make music on Youtube, and get famous so he’ll want to give them his purity ring or some crap. Biebers don’t just grow on trees, especially American ones. Is Rebecca Black shitting me? Do her friends think she is cool? There’s no way this video is serious, right? Just a bunch of 14 year-olds looking forward to Friday so they can “party”? This isn’t a 90210 episode, hunny. You and your gang aren’t robbing any liquor cabinets and dabbling in the booger sugar. At best, you’re chugging a Red Bull or two, playing “Truth or Dare” and buzzing off that caffeine while you send iChat videos to each others Facebook walls while sitting in the same room.

Really, I blame the parents here. At some point, your kid’s dreams have to get crushed. Simple fix to the cyber bullying their daughter should be enduring over this video would just be: “Darling, we know you want Justin’s purity ring, but your songs make as much sense as Helen Keller’s early work, and have the intellectual depth of a toddler’s soiled diaper.” Instead, this chicks rich-as-Satan parents decided to dump money into studio time, a freelance videographer, and whoever the old black dude is who dropped the hook that literally may have murdered Nate Dogg, today. What a sell-out. And Jalen Rose thinks Grant Hill is an “Uncle Tom.”

CHARLIE SHEEN’S EX IS BI-LOSING, OBVIOUSLY

Kacey Jordan, the porn star who joined Charlie Sheen in his epic January booze and cocaine bender that landed him in the hospital, may have attempted suicide. Jordan posted a series of suicidal tweets on Twitter Monday night from her Chicago hotel. “Those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen . . . messed me up . . . i can’t get that image out of my head . . . i think i keep trying to feel his pain,” she wrote.”I took a bunch of pills . . . drank a hotel size bottle of jack [Daniels whiskey],” she wrote in another tweet that sparked her followers to send cops to the Peninsula Hotel.

Classic porn star move. This is right out of the “Dirty Whore” book. Even when you’re a porn star, and you’re getting paid in Aston Martins by the Sheen to do drugs, have sex and be a rock star from Mars, there’s a certain code of conduct to follow. You don’t rat out the Sheen for his recent, now-epic drug binge. You had your sex, you got your car, now shut up and be gone. But no, you have to cling to greatness. Trying to ride those golden coattails into legitimate porn star status, because the only thing worse than being a porn star, is being a porn star no one had ever heard of. “Those 16 hours… really messed me up… I think i keep trying to feel his pain…” Seriously, toots?! Feel his pain? Charlie couldn’t feel pain even if he weren’t more numb than an icicle on novocaine due to decades of cocaine abuse, because he’s too busy winning! Now pick yourself up off that cold bathroom floor. Nobody is buying it.

This story just made me so angry I need some Rosie Jones…

... with an automatic rifle.

And that brings us to the end of yet another successful Smorgasblog! Who knew Rosie Jones would start and finish it? Okay, maybe we all did.

Stay tuned…

March “Madness” an A Propos Name in 2011

It’s true, I just broke out my french-english on all your asses to describe the upcoming NCAA Tournament as “fitting.” Now I’m going to act chivalrous and rendezvous with all of you to share my tourney espionage work. That is literally all the french-english words I care to ever think about, since my affinity for France ends at fry or toast. Isn’t Joakim Noah French? Uff the French. But seriously, this year above all others, the one-and-done player in college basketball has finally created a bracket more “mad” and unpredictable than a Charlie Sheen orgy after banging a seven gram rock and chilling in his theater room. All day I’ve just been scouring reports on upsets, sleepers, favorites, blue-bloods, cinderellas, giants, giant killers, mid-majors, major-majors, intermediary-majors, sub-terranian-majors and every other term you can imagine to describe teams in this tournament. My head is spinning, this is the only thing that makes sense to me at this point…

I know, it's not even a random hot girl. Just this basic, nothing to write home about shot of Megan Fox looking all sweaty and perfect.

Beyond the #1 seeds, who are still vulnerable in latter rounds, I have seen legitimate arguments made for EVERY SINGLE favorite to get upset in the first round. Alas, have no fear, devout Revolver Reader! I am here to make sense of things for you… using the tried and true formula of comparing sports to hot women. I will get you through the important factors of this upcoming tournament. Because, if there’s two things I do well, one of them is dominating an NCAA bracket (or at least staying alive until the Elite 8 weekend) and the other is destroying entire tubs of hummus in a single sitting.

So now, I’m just sitting here crushing roasted red pepper hummus staring at a bracket with more cross-outs than Schindler’s List (does that joke even make sense? Did Schindler cross people off his list? Is it even his list, or is he on it? Should I watch the movie before I offend people? If it’s “Too Soon” my bad), trying to make sense of things. At this point, there’s a solid chance that I’ll be watching the first round, making comments like: “SHIT! I KNEW THEY WOULD WIN, I ENDED UP TAKING THE OTHER TEAM IN MY FINAL BRACKET, BUT AT ONE POINT, BACK IN ‘NAM, I DEFINITELY HAD THEM FILLED IN!” By now, you’re probably waiting for a hot girl comparison, so let’s get into this chinese fire drill of a basketball tournament.

THE MARISA MILLER  “DOUBLESHOTS”

The Best of the Best

Ohio State, Kansas

Just two teams get the distinction of being in the Marisa Miller group: flawless. Much like Marisa, they bring the total package to the table. It’s rare you find an inside-out threat that is so complete, but with both of these teams, their multi-faceted approach can burn you down low (Sullinger for OSU, the Morris twins for Kansas) or up top (Diebler and Buford for OSU, Morningstar and Reed for Kansas). These teams are eerily similar to the way Marisa can torture you, whether you are looking up top, or down low on her bikini, or lack thereof.

THE MINKA KELLY “MINXES”

Near-perfect, with that nagging question mark...

Duke, Pittsburgh, Notre Dame, UNC, UCONN, Purdue

Downgraded like Minka is for dating Derek Jeter, a Yankee manwhore who offers her nothing, aside from his 300+ million in career earnings, all of these teams are flawed in some way. Duke is without star frosh PG Kyrie Irving, and Kyle Singler can’t throw the ball in the ocean from the middle of a Kayak, right now. Pittsburgh doesn’t have the go-to star that is so often needed in March. Notre Dame lacks athleticism (a nice way to say they are too white) and cannot defend. North Carolina has never pieced it together all year as their supposed savior, Harrison Barnes, has only shown flashes of dominance. UConn has Kemba Walker and a bunch of question marks, plus they may be too drained after their five games in five days Big East tournament win. Purdue has the great PG in E’twaun Moore, and the top notch center in JaJuan Johnson, but the season-ending injury to sniper-wing Robbie Hummel leaves them without a solid wing option.

THE SCARLETT JOHANSSON “BOMBSHELLS”

Big names, but not going anywhere this year...

Kentucky, Florida, Syracuse, Louisville

Calipari, Donovan, Boeheim, Pitino… Johansson. Sure, the names on the jerseys and in the coaching boxes are sexy as all hell, just like Scarlett. Sure, they’ve got Final Fours, National Championships,  blue-chip recruits and talent all over, just like Scarlett. Sure, they’ll be marginally successful, just like Scarlett. But, ultimately, they’ve got too much baggage to make any real noise this year. Just like Scarlett is rebounding from a messy divorce and no truly memorable acting roles (seriously, IMDb her… weak), all of these coaches and teams are rebounding from divorces: Kentucky lost John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins and Eric Bledsoe from last year’s team. Or unmemorable performances/rosters: quick, name three players on Florida, Louisville or Syracuse. If you aren’t a big-time basketball fan, there’s no way you can do that. Even if you are, it’s only because you just watched the conference tournament games.

THE KATE UPTON “UPSTARTS”

Who?

Utah St., Belmont, Richmond, Oakland, Morehead St.

SI’s Swimsuit Edition breakout model, that’s who! Never heard of her!? Well here are some sleepers for your pool you probably haven’t heard of either… Utah St., Belmont, Richmond, Oakland and Morehead St. For the most part, just take my word on some of these teams. If you don’t want to take mine, take a bunch of experts and geeks who do NCAA analysis for a living. Utah St. was dominant all year and got seeded far lower than most expected. Belmont and Richmond are two complete teams that got unlucky with tough first-round draws (Wisconsin and Vanderbilt, respectively). Oakland (6’11” center Keith Benson) and Morehead St. (NCAA All-time Rebound leader Kenneth Faried) have legitimate NBA talents on their rosters who could dominate a first-round match-up long enough to spring the huge upset. Just like Kate Upton can dominate a swimsuit long enough to spring a huge… well, you get it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Lucy Pinder almost represented my unheard of teams, but then I realized I needed a chick hot enough to defend my genius final thoughts.

This blog honestly took more time finding appropriate hot girl-team matchups than my actual wit, so I’m going to use this space to give some final tips.

1- If your team’s best player is known as a “streetball legend” think twice before you pick them (St. John’s- Dwight Hardy). Do you want some And 1 mixtape wannabe getting called for a carry on the final possession? Didn’t think so. Quadruple-double this rule if the opposing team has a point guard who is the offspring of John Stockton (Gonzaga’s PG just so happens to be John’s son, David). If you think this rule is simply racist, well, there may be some validity, as long as Jesse Jackson is arguing for you. Otherwise, it’s simply smart.

2- When in doubt in the later rounds, take the team who will actually get to the game. I know, this sounds odd… you picked both teams to get there! But now, go back and decide who has the toughest matchups en route. If you are at a legitimate 50-50 on the game pick, pick against the team with the tougher road. It’s like when you have to decide what equally hot girl you’d rather hook up with. One is at the bar. The other requires a long cab ride with a man from Yemen. Simple choice.

3- Mascots can definitely break a tie. Seriously. You think if St. Peter’s wasn’t an abysmal 14 seed playing a ridiculously tough Purdue Boilermakers team that I’m not taking the Peacocks all day long?! You’re crazy. Seriously, how did I not go to St. Peter’s. Just Peacocking the living hell out of every day of college. Sporting technicolor button downs, silk clothing and shoes that make Liberace sweat. One solid example of the old mascot tie-breaker this year can be seen in the 6-11 matchup between Cincy and Missouri. Sure, Cincinnati is a Bearcat, but Missouri is a legitimate TIGER. An effing TIGER, bro. Not some androgynous half-bear-half-kitten made up beast. Mike Tyson has a Tiger. Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh is a Tiger (I think) and a damn G. Go Mizzou!

4- Big Men Matter. This is basketball, after all. When you were playing pickup hoops, did you take the big kid AFTER the little kid who could shoot good and do other things good, too?! Nope. You took that big sweaty kid who no one could, nor wanted to guard. In this case, Ohio State and Kansas are sporting some of the biggest kids. Dallas Lauderdale and Jared Sullinger are legit Center-Power Forward manbeasts for the Buckeyes. If you don’t trust me, just ask their equipment guy who has to wring the devil’s ass sweat out of those shorts every single day. Kansas has the Morris twins, who are a testament to modern child-birthing miracles. Seriously, if Marcus and Markieff’s mom lived during biblical ages, she would have no doubt passed out and died popping out not one, but two of these behemoths. I pray she took an epidural, got a C-section, or just transferred her womb into a massive pod, Wolverine style. Added props to Ms. Morris for naming one of them Markieff. She knew his homies would be pronouncing Markeith that way anyway, so she saved them the embarrassment.

5- Fire up the computers at work, get ready to hit the “Boss Button”, (CBS’ genius creation that quickly turns their live telecast feed into a pdf document to fake out a boss, for those who actually work) and get ready to be pissed off. This year, like no other, I predict we will see more upsets than ever. When this many marginally good, marginally bad teams are in one tournament, it’s bound to happen. Thankfully, I will know every single one of those upsets as I stroll to another bracket victory.

Stay tuned.

Spring Break Survival Guide

Last week, I put my body through its yearly physical fitness test, known as “Spring Break.” Used to be, back in the day, this test was given during gym class and known as the “Presidential Physical Fitness Award.” All us alpha male gym class heroes banged out 30 push-ups and 60 sit-ups a minute, ran a sub 7 min. mile, and stretched 5” past our toes, en route to getting a monogrammed certificate from “William Clinton.” Meanwhile the chubby kids huffed and puffed their way to athletic ineptitude. In today’s political correct world of “playing for fun” and “hugs show emotion” I doubt this test even exists anymore. But, for my generation it can still exist in the form of Spring Break. If you’re thinking, “does this blog only apply to collegians?” then you’re obviously sorely mistaken. I maintain that as long as you refer to portions of the year as “semesters” and openly embrace winter, summer and Spring Break, then this mindset can last until you’re at least 32 (or weigh over 215 lbs for a 5’10” classic American male).

Basically, as long as you’re awesome enough to keep making epic plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while, rage out until odd hours of the morning, and rally to hit a beach with a cooler full of Bud Light smoothies later that morning, you’re awesome enough to Spring Break. However, this is not for the faint of heart. I myself have literally seen a friend’s heart faint during a Spring Break, as he hit the floor in a blacked-out loss of consciousness upon waking up one morning because of the toll his body had been put through the day before. So, I decided to write a Spring Break Survival Guide with five simple tips to all those who are still in the midst of their own personal breaks. Here’s a classic Spring Break photo to get everyone in the mood…

Like I said, CLASSIC.

#1: JUST SAY YES- For every great Spring Break that happens, there’s an opposing, droopy eyed armless child of a trip that never was. In nearly 96% of these poor bastards of trips, it is because too many bros simply dragged their feet. “Uhh let me make sure I’ve got the money,” “I don’t know, is it really THAT fun?” and “My family may be planning something that week” are all classic forms of the root of the problem: some friends are just semi-lame. Not everyone’s constitution is capable of handling a proper Spring Break. There’s no need to heckle said friends, just make your moves, and know that whoever ends up sacking up for the trip, even if they aren’t your BEST bro, will be thoroughly invested. Think of it like this. Would you want a hot stuck-up girl, who is ultimately a bad prom date, to say yes? No. You’d want the cool, marginally less hot girl who actually eats her meal, and then dances with her heels off and her skirt hiked up the whole damn night, to say yes.

#2: SUBWAY SAVES LIVES- Since you’re not a chick who cares about going to some nice dinner with her chick friends all dolled up , you don’t need to waste money on actual sustenance that could go towards alcohol. You’re not gonna sit at some fancy restaurant crushing sushi, sipping wine and asking the waiter to take your picture, you’re going to grab a footlong meatball sub, tote the bag back to your hotel, nom the living hell out of it and maybe wash it down with a shotgunned beer or three. Put it this way, girls will be drinking for free every night this trip while you try to drink enough liquid courage into your body to rub your denim all over their sundress, so save the cash.

Aside from the money, we both know you’ve shrunk your stomach to rare proportions with your Britney Spears crash diet and steady dose of Perfect Pushups in the week leading up to spring break. Contrary to popular belief, your body actually needs food to function properly, no matter how many beer smoothies you’ve nuked over the course of your beach day. The buddy system works well here. Often, you may be so drunk that you simply forget to eat. If you have a friend and consistently remind each other when your last meal was, that should work. Or, if you just buy a footlong every time you pass a Subway, that’s also a solid rule of thumb.

Here’s just another great picture of what to expect on Spring Break…

Yep. Spring Break babyyyy!!!

#3: Take a Half an Hour Nap– Kanye isn’t messing around when he says he’s “fresh for the club I just took a half an hour nap.” When you’re going to bed at 6am, and waking up before 11am to hit the beach, you’re most likely going to need a quality power nap to make it through your fourth straight night of this schedule. Outside of pure liquid cocaine, the power nap is clinically proven to allow for optimum recklessness during spring break late night hours. These “naps” may be more like utter unconsciousness, but if your friend has slipped into one of these beer-induced midday comas, just check for a pulse, then let him be. Sure enough, his body will realize it’s been over 28 minutes since his last beer and it should shake his core. Just make sure after getting ass-pounded by an 85 degree sun all day, you are rested for the night ahead, or you could pass out in the VIP couches. Never a good look.

#4: Plan to Unplan- Sure, you may want to map out the night. Like when the cheap option is to crash at your cousins place in Coral Gables and do the local scene there, rather than drive into South Beach for the night. But as sure as you will make that plan, the Greek God of Break may have other ideas. Perhaps a group of girls from your buddies law school will offer up their hotel room floor (or bed if you play your cards right) with an ocean front view… then what?! Exactly. You just unplanned that tame night in the ‘burbs with C class strippers and cheap vodka, and upgraded to a first-class night of semi-professional co-ed dancing at one of the monster clubs in the center of the spring break insaniverse. Maybe you even saw a few ambitious girls getting helped up onto poles in the middle of the club and shwinding down to the best of their vodka-soda fueled bodies.

#5 Never Check Your Bank Balance- Unless you are trying to travel to the fifth or sixth circle of Dante’s Inferno in the midst of what should be one of the best times of your life, keep the laptop/iphone app closed. What good can come of this? You have the rest of your life to worry about the 80 dollars you dropped on a round of Maker’s on the rocks. You’re not getting buried with what’s in your bank account, so don’t bring down the group by bitching.

Bonus: Dance Like Nobody’s Watching- Or whatever lame quote it is that chicks put on their apartment walls (PS- If I see one more “Live Love Laugh” plaque/frame/wood cut out, by the way, I’m ripping it from the wall, and decapitating myself with it. Seriously, girls, is it so hard to be original?”). I’m just kidding about this one, I just wanted to get that part in about girl’s unoriginality. But, if the opportunity presents itself to get in the middle of a dance circle and have a Dougie-off with somebody, you obviously should not pass that up.

Or, if you happen to be a girl who actually reads this... join one of these...

Since this blog started discussing Presidents, I would like to end it the same way. Obviously, with the power of Spring Break comes great responsibility. So while I will limit my tips, there are undoubtedly countless other things you should do to make it awesome. But that’s the beauty of it, finding out those unknown bits of life’s unspeakable that is unique for every person’s experience. Since I started this conclusion with an axiom of John F. Kennedy, the president who obviously would have enjoyed a Spring Break more than any other (banging seven gram rocks, as well as Marilyn Monroe), I will end with his wise words as well. Ask not what Spring Break can do on you, ask what you can do on Spring Break. Hopefully, you’re able to recover within the week upon landing back home. If so, you’re a better person than me.

Stay tuned…