Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

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41 Men More Influential than Tom Brady: Impossible

October 19, 2011

When Gisele picks you, it's tough to top.

This week, AskMen.com unveiled their latest list of the “50 Most Influential Men of 2011,” and the publication basically blasphemed all over the place.  All the usual suspects are there: Jobs, Obama, Zuckerberg, Clooney et al. Obviously, Tom Brady is on the list because he’s in a rarified air reserved for the likes of DaVinci, Galileo, Franklin, Einstein and Moses. The real indignation isn’t that Brady is somehow 41 spots below #1, because it’s possible 41 saints and Greek gods are ahead of him. Where AskMen.com loses all its credibility is when you dissect some of the men ranked ahead of Brady. The top four are: Steve Jobs, Seal Team Six, Larry Page of Google, and Warren Buffett. I guess some arguments could be made for these computer geeks, economic genius’ and skilled assassins, but Tom still easily defeats them.  Here are just ten of the men ranked ahead of Tom that make less sense than Helen Keller playing Scrabble.

#7 Prince William: Actually one of the least influential on this list. Dude doesn’t have a discernible skill aside from losing his hair at an oddly early age. Rumors persist that this is why Tom Brady grew his hair long, to get some plugs. Whether that’s true or not, it’s just another example of why he’s more influential than Prince William. Dude dissected the problem and solved it.  Seriously though, does it get more uninfluential than being the “guy in line to be the guy in line to be the king of a country that no longer is ruled by a monarchy?”

#8 Anonymous, hacking group that promotes “civil disobedience”  on the web: I don’t even know what this one means. Like, is “Anonymous” the groups name? Or are they so sneaky and covert that they don’t even have a name, just an unwritten hacking stroke deep in a systems mainframe. Aside from being nameless and faceless, and thus, not Tom Brady, I haven’t heard one thing these guys have done besides give my PC from ’98 the Trojan Horse virus. That shit was pretty fucked up though. Fried a motherboard like Colonel Sanders.

#9 Ryan Gosling: Canadian Actor- Homie trails Brady in so many regards it’s not even funny, the least of which is Americanness. This Candian born actor is best known for his role in “The Notebook.” Sure, that movie might have revolutionized the dating game, and made it cool for bros all over to include it in their favorite movies section on facebook (this bro, included), but ultimately, it’s a crappy chick flick. To further weaken his cause, I just googled “Ryan Gosling girlfriend” and the top story is from 2010 about  how he is finally ready to move on from his ex, Rachel McAdams.  If you’re an influential man, I should be able to google your girlfriend and be wading through an internet cesspool of chicks linked to you. Google “Tom Brady girlfriend” and you get a story about him marrying Gisele. Boom. Dripping in influence.

#12 Jon Stewart- Daily Show Host/Comedian: Let me get this straight. The guy who isn’t even the most influential fake-news studio host on Comedy Central is supposedly more influential than Tom Brady. This scenario highlights the lack credibility in this list. Stewart has long been the least funny of of the nightly news duo, as Colbert consistently kills it while Stewart fishes for laughs with his annoying shrieks. Put it this way, would the jester ever be considered more influential than the King? Then how can a comedian be more influential than a quarterback? Varsity quarterbacks got girls in high school, class clowns played Dungeons and Dragons.

#13 Andrew Mason: CEO of Groupon– AskMen definitely didn’t do their research on this one. First off, Groupon doesn’t even work for businesses. People get your shit for cheap, once, then move on to the next place that will give them shit for cheap. So on and so forth. No buyer resiliency is seen. This business model is failing faster than an Obama stimulus package, and Andrew Mason should have gotten out while he could make billions and buy sports teams. Anyone remember how Mark Cuban made his money? Me either, but Yahoo gave him a couple billion for it at the time. Maybe if this dude owned the team Tom Brady played quarterback for, he’d be more influential.

 #21 Barack Obama- President, United States of America: Didn’t the country get downgraded? Doesn’t that mean the President of America is like, the same as Cuba or something? I know Tom Brady is more influential than Fidel Castro, so without getting too political, let’s just say this is obvious.

#24 Anderson Cooper- Journalist/TV Host: If this were a list of most influential gay men, Anderson Cooper would be way high up, and definitely higher than Tom Brady. I feel like Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris are in the same boat. Like, out of nowhere, everyone found out they were gay, and suddenly things made sense. In both cases, you have to believe these guys hooked up with tons of chicks while they lied to themselves about it feeling right.  Unfortunately, this isn’t just a list for “men” and in that regard, the host of any poorly rated CNN show can’t possibly outrank Tom Brady. I mean, have you seen the ratings for an NFL Game that Brady plays in? Blows AC-360 out of the water.

#30 Peter Dinklage- Midget Actor: One issue I have consistently felt has plagued the little people community is their lack of focus in declaring what they want to be known as. For a while, midget was bad, and might still be for all I know. Then they wanted to be dwarves, but everyone found that a bit too Tolkien. Nowadays, I have no clue what they want to be called, I just know that this Peter Dinklage bit off more than he could chew or reach. Tom Brady is 6’4” and runs the 2-minute drill in his sleep. Dinklage was the angry midget in “ELF” who is now on “Game of Thrones” and for some reason, ranks ahead of Brady. Something is disproportionate here, and it’s not the limb-torso ratio of Dinklage.

#35 Jimmy Fallon- Full-sized Actor: Now I know AskMen is just  with all of us. Like, really? Jimmy Fallon influences more people than Tom Brady? Dude hosts a talk show at like 1am. If you’re awake at 1am on a weeknight and you’re watching Jimmy Fallon, you probably don’t have a job to wake up for the next morning. If you do, you probably suck at that job, and at life. Sure, Fallon has played a lovable loser just fine in some movies, and he has even made me laugh twice, but to say he’s more influential than Tom is heretical.

#41 Julian Assange- Wikileaks Founder: Remember when Wikileaks leaked all that censored top secret stuff and shit was about to hit the fan? Me neither. One of the biggest teases of the internet age had to be Wikileaks, right? This dude was like sexually assaulting chicks, fleeing to Sweden and lawyering up because the whole world was trying to sue his ass for leaking secrets that put security at stake. Since then?  No idea. If anything, this just shows how weak Wikileaks was, and how Assange has no influence. When Tom Brady was spying on people, he won Super Bowls. Assange did it and got nothing.

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8 Pound 6 Ounces Colton, Don’t Even Know a Word Yet

June 23, 2011

DISCLAIMER: This is for the people who wrote on my facebook wall yesterday. If you didn’t, aside from sucking, just stop reading now. You don’t deserve this particular blog post.

DISCLAIMER #2: Even if you read this, it makes almost no sense. It’s like part fiction, part biography, part delusions of grandeur. Basically, it’s a lot like Obama’s book, “Audacity of Hope.” Only he was serious.

So in the past, I became notorious for my personalized facebook birthday-wall-post-thank-you’s. Consistently banging out a hundred plus messages like it was just a walk in the park. Yesterday, however, I think my wall completely altered facebook forever. My computer ran slowly, I struggled to follow my fantasy baseball team, and facebook creeping came to a near-screeching halt as every five to seven minutes someone else dropped some love on my digital canvas. Sure, Verizon has been having some trouble in my area, but I think the reason behind this slowdown is obvious. Yesterday, I put up numbers that Wilt Chamberlain could be proud of. Clearly, it’s not every day I’m born. In fact, yesterday is the only day I celebrate my birth. If you missed the event, or took part and are suffering from post-partem depression, calm down, it’s only 364 short days until the next time you get to write on my wall. In between, our great country will celebrate its own birth, Jesus’ birth, George Washington’s birth, and Marisa Miller’s birth. Now I’m not saying my birth is nearly as important as all of those (with the exception of maybe G.W.), but none of those people or sovereign nations will write you a blog, either. So here we go…

If you thought anyone else would take the first spot in my birthday blog, you probably didn't know me well enough to write on my wall.

If you want to know how I came to be, I’ll forward you to the post John MacKinnon left on my wall. While it basically caused me to stare at my computer screen unblinking for about 6 minutes, it’s unfortunately most likely pretty accurate. Now that we’ve reached the point where I know I was not, in fact, dropped on the doorstep by storks, left in a basket by the Nile like Moses, or birthed through the head of Zeus like Athena, we can move on to the important things. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about those people who can recall details from every single day of their lives, but I’m not one of them. I can only assume the thoughts going through my head while I was chilling in the womb.

For one thing, I obviously decided I wanted a Y chromosome. Can’t even imagine being a girl. Constantly persecuted for my good looks. Switching best friends every month: depending on who got hotter than me, or started a menial conflict over a guy. Spending potential alcohol money on fake nails, tans, make-up and shoes. Draining my dad’s bank account and going on a Eurotrip for “culture” that doesn’t extend itself beyond the pot in Amsterdam, the clothes in Italy, the sex in France and the stalking of Prince Harry in London. Basically, after two girls, my dad hit the jackpot with me.

Don't let that above paragraph make you think I'm not grateful for XX chromosomes like Leeann Tweeden...

After diving into the world feet first, because that’s how ballers do, I thought I’d play a little joke on everyone and fake a suicide by wrapping the umbilical cord around my neck. Talk about your all-time backfire. Everyone started freaking out and screaming and stuff. Obviously, my sense of comedic timing has improved tenfold since this original stunt, which may or may not be true for the purposes of storytelling. For the first couple years of my life, I just chilled out, mowing Gerber and soiling myself like it was going out of style. Pretty soon I started forming memories, an addiction to David the Gnome, the WWF, baseball (specifically, the Red Sox) and Strawberry Milk. This all built up to my first grade birthday party. My dad made toys for a living so he got 20, seven year olds into the company meeting room where we rated the new action figure line with a 🙂 😦 or :-/ face. I’m not sure what you call that last face, but I call it the uneasy/constipated face, depending on my mood. After some smiles, frowns and constipations, the party favors of GI Joes and Transformers were given out. My dad basically cemented my legacy as the coolest birthday host until Billy Madison started throwing his blowouts.

Sometime after this glorious first grade banger, I became disenfranchised with the whole birthday party concept. Perhaps it was due to the stretch from 3rd grade on when I stopped having parties thrown for me because of Little League All Stars, having two older sisters, and only two parents capable of getting us everywhere. The summer birthday is an amazing thing, but it does not lend itself to easy elementary school celebrations. The last day of school rarely made it to June 22, unless there were a bunch of snow days. Thus, teachers never started the day singing to me, giving me gold stars, hoodsie cups and letting me make friendship bracelets all day like the rest of the kids born between September and early June. From that point on the extent of my birthday celebration was a Wiffle ball game in the backyard while my dad grilled meat and my mom kept the pink lemonade flowing like it ain’t no thing. Sure, I never threw wild pool parties with wet t-shirt contests and chicken fight contests, that’s what ASU is for, but I was happy raking home runs into my driveway.

ASU absolutely has to be fake life. Like this does not happen...

Even my 21st birthday started off as tame as possible. When it came time to choose my stomping grounds, I selected the bar that has treated me so kindly for the two years prior to my legality. Some people turn 21 and forget about the little people, make new friends who can go to the cool bars and ditch everything else. I paid homage to the old reliable J Tree by having my party there. Even though the original plan involved going after midnight so I could use my real ID, people got drunk and antsy and I decided I’d just use the Maine, 23 year-old version of myself one last time. After eight of my friends got kicked out of the bar in three distinct incidents, the next thing I knew I was being pulled from a cab and thrown to the ground. Apparently the poor townie whose friends took her to JTree for her bachelorette party told her fiancee to meet up with them?! Who knew…

Which brings us to present day. While I may never forgive my family for the toys and riches I missed out on from all those lost childhood birthdays, I take solace in the fact that I’m not one of those painfully annoying people who start birthday countdowns, create entire weekend agendas mapping out each afternoon and night using adjectives like: “sloshed” “Shwasted” “wasteyfaced” or even the repugnant combination, “shwastyfaced.” After all that self-promotion, how can anybody expect people to actually care that their day meant anything at all. I guess not everyone can rely on great friends to flood their wall all day with well wishes without that kind of promotion. If you read this post until now, you truly earned this thank you. And this…

Just wouldn't be a birthday blog without Rosie Jones. PS- googling her and finding anything with clothes on is getting tougher and tougher. It's amazing what the Revolver has done for her career.

 

 

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Osama bin Laden Shot Dead… IN THE FACE… AMERICA!

May 3, 2011

During the past decade, an entire generation of Americans literally grew up in the aftermath of 9/11. It became the “where were you when?” moment of our contemporaries. Along the way, Americans came to associate one man with the attacks on the World Trade Center: Osama bin Laden. While there were plenty of other alien sounding, hyphenated, three name psychopaths involved, “Osama bin Laden” stuck in the nation’s conscience. As “America’s Most Wanted” terrorist, he put out his little cave videos, threatened attacks, recruited new, lonely, apparently sexually frustrated males by promising them 72 virgins once they blew themselves up, hid like a coward for 10 years and as Allen from The Hangover reminds us, made masturbating on an airplane illegal, rather than merely frowned upon. Last night, I had another “where were you when” moment, and it came upon hearing the news that Osama finally got his head popped by an American made assault rifle with a laser scope. Obviously, the news called for a nightcap, and some mental notes that needed to be put down on electronic record as more information came to light. Guiding you through today’s blog will be some of the hottest middle-eastern women on the internets… because beauty is everywhere, and you’ve probably never googled that.

Rima Fakih: Miss USA 2010... but of Lebanese/Heavenese descent.

FIRST REACTION:

When I first heard the news that we killed Osama, I didn’t know how to react, but some quick thoughts came to mind. First thought, “Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?!” My next thought immediately jumped to imagining the mission details of this operation, and the feeling whichever Navy Seal had when he saw a 6’6” bearded frame through his night vision goggles, lined up his laser scope between bin Laden’s unibrow, and squeezed off that round. My third initial thought (which makes little to no sense since “initial” means first),  obviously skipped to whether there was beer in the fridge. There’s really no more American principle than the freedom we have to sip whiskey or tip back a cold one in the safety of our own home. It is the very basic safety and freedom fought for and protected by the courage of men and women fighting overseas for those very ideals.

EARLY DETAILS:

Rima, again... in a bikini. Because I can.

If you’re like me, you couldn’t wait to see the cave they dragged Osama’s dirty ass out of. I mean, this evil son of a bitch has been hiding out in Paki caves for a decade, narrowly escaping carpet bombs and drone attacks, without any amenities. Outside of drinking your own urine, because it’s sterile and you like the taste, the best part of your day is making another home video on your terrorist flip cam, and maybe some foreplay with a stray goat. Then, news broke that Osama lived in a million dollar compound with his youngest wife and two of his terrorist “couriers” and their families. While it had high-level security and 18 foot high walls topped with barbed wire, it did not have internet, phone or television. Suddenly, a whole new set of thoughts came to mind.

1- Being a “courier” in Al Qaeda basically makes you the biggest bitch on planet earth, right?. I mean, you haven’t even reached the level of getting to blow yourself up. You’re still fetching the martyr dude his coffee, highlighting and color coding his schedule, and lining up afterlife meet and greets with the virgins he gets when he’s finally exploded. It’d be fine if you got to do all that bitchwork and eventually moved into the corner office, but once you’re done with all that, you explode yourself, too.

2- Osama took his youngest wife to hide out with him. This sort of stuff just tickles me. Unless you’re reading about a Mormon wedding, it’s rare you get the old “multiple wives age differentiation” clause in a news story. Lately, my imaginary conversations have been drawing rave reviews, so here’s how it went down when Osama asked his little lady to go hide out with him:

Osama: So, baby, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, come closer so I can hold a rusty machete to your neck as I speak.

Youngest Wife: What is it my lanky lover?!

Osama: Well, I’ve done some things, and pissed off the world’s greatest superpower. I want you to come away into hiding with me. We’ve got this sweet pad all set up, it just doesn’t have an internet hook-up, but we’re working on that. There’s nothing here in this small town for us, especially running water or electricity.

Youngest Wife: Majestic as your beard may be, Osama, and while I can neither read nor write due to the sexist oppression of males in our culture, I have heard others talking by the milking goats that you’re the most wanted man in the world. I do not want to come… and no internet?! This is the 21st century, Osama!

Osama: What do you mean you don’t want to come? You do realize I’m holding a rusty machete to your neck, don’t you? Does this look like a democracy?! No. It looks like an extremist islamic terrorist organization trying to destroy democracy, because that’s exactly what it is. Now pack your robes, or I will tie you to an IED and let the children practice with their rocket launchers. And I told you, we’re looking into the internet issue! We might get a MiFi or something through Sprint. I hear 4G is coming!!!

And… SCENE.

sidenote: Is it weird that bin Laden has better luck with the ladies than me? I guess “blogger” just doesn’t have the same cache as “megalomaniacal terrorist mastermind.”

3- You’re the head of Al Qaeda and no one, not even one of your couriers, can find you a basic cable-phone-internet triple play package?! That shit is like $99.99/month, including HBO and Starz for the first year with a contract re-evaulation, bro. Weak sauce.

FURTHER DETAILS

Manel Filali: Singer from Yemen. I don't understand what she's saying in her songs. (ps- is it Yemeni? Yemenese? Yemenish?)

As the story continued to unfold, we found out that this mansion in Pakistan looked more like a prison on the inside, with mattresses flat on the floor and clothes piled up in corners like a Hoarders episode. Reports also came out that the area was initially deserted, but since the bin Laden’s moved into their compound, smaller houses started popping up like Mr. Rogers himself started up a neighborhood. Following that up came the factoid that the bin Laden compound burned its own trash. More intriguing perhaps than all that involved the little fact that a Pakistani military academy sat essentially down the street. Obviously, this brought up some further analysis, by me.

1- Pakistan has got to be shitting me. Not that any of us should have ever thought they were actually on our side in this endeavor to track down bin Laden, but these dudes might as well have been his Islamic brothers from another less extremist mother. Osama is in the biggest house on the block, with tall ass walls and barbed wire, and two shady guys who are just couriering the shit out of the place. Meanwhile the Pakistani military academy is just chilling down the street eating goat cheese, sipping goat’s milk and playing cricket or rock ball or whatever they do out there. Maybe their military just sucks that bad. The USA is tracking dudes all over the world, collecting intelligence like it’s going out of style, tapping wires, creating facial recognition software and examining DNA like it’s CSI: Middle East, and Pakistan is struggling to get dial-up internet. If this isn’t another example of why America runs the world, and every other country just always needs us to bail their asses out, after they do nothing for us, ever, then I don’t know what is.

2- Nobody willingly burns their garbage when there is someone who will come by and pick it up. Have you ever smelled hot garbage? Smells like… well, hot garbage. Osama actually played this one pretty cool. He obviously knew we wouldn’t be looking for a literal smoke signal as to his whereabouts. Even though, in hindsight, we should have realized that would be the best technology a Pakistani would have at their disposal to alert us.

3- I’m not saying women need to cook, clean and make babies, but Mrs. bin Laden has no excuse here. You’ve been living in this joint for over six years (still unknown where he lived in the years directly after 9/11). You’ve got no TV, phone or internet so it’s not like you were watching the royal wedding coverage this past weekend. So far, I haven’t read a report that you didn’t have a vacuum, duster and closets. No excuse for the hideout to be a pig sty. Have some respect for yourself and clean up the place. You never know when US troops are going to kick down your door, blast you and your husband with assault rifles, then release photographs of the scene. I’ll give a pass on the stained rugs, but only because I assume that’s freshly spilled blood, and not tomato juice.

OPERATION DETAILS:

Dana Halabi is a Kuwaitian actress. Yes, I'm just making up what you call people from these countries. No, I don't know what she's saying in her acting roles.

Next, the reports on the military team and operation started taking shape. Navy Seal Team Six, which may or may not have been a Tom Clancy video game, headed the operation. The US had gathered so much information, mostly from detainees at Gitmo who got waterboarded worse than Shamu, that the Seal team practiced the mission on a replica bin Laden compound. The operation took just 40 minutes, included a malfunctioning helicopter that was expertly landed without injury, resulted in four terrorist deaths, and zero harm to any American soldier. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s the military equivalent of hitting for the cycle. First reports also stated an armed bin Laden resisted troops upon being asked to surrender, and he used his wife as a human shield. My pressing thoughts…

1- This is why I love sports. They let us draw the closest parallels to war. You practice, you get good, you execute, you win. That is exactly what the Navy Seals did. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Belichick drew up this operation. Just steely cool and tactful as all hell.

2- Torture: 1 Osama: 0. There’s a reason torture is as old a practice as prostitution: it gets the job done. In recent years, the Bush administration took major heat for two things: Guantanamo Bay prison practices, and waterboarding. Now, we find out that the very prisoners being tortured at Gitmo, were the same men who dropped dimes on Osama. The beauty of waterboarding is that it only “simulates” the act of drowning. Thus, we get to drown these terrorists over and over and over until they tell us what we want, and all we’ve done is scared the shit out of them repeatedly. If you think this violates their human rights, I’d argue you’re an idiot.  They gave up their identity as humans and became monsters when they planned, succeeded, or failed at bombing innocent people.

3- Nothing like the old human shield maneuver. They say Hollywood is all cliche, I say, they nailed the whole “a villain uses another human being as his shield” bit. Of course Osama used his wife as a human shield! If Vegas books had odds on, “Will bin Laden use his wife as a human shield on the day he is raided” I’d have bet my left nut on yes. That’s an easier wager than the Celtics being pushed to +250 from +150 in the Heat series after losing game 1.

THE DETAILS BECOME FACTS:

Brigitte Yaghi was on Lebanese Idol, and might have even won, but I didn't care to check on that. She's hot though.

So in any government-run operation, there are bound to be more informational mix-ups than a paternity episode on Maury. Sure enough, a few of the issues I already discussed eventually proved to be untrue. First, even though I still think I should keep my left nut for it being earlier reported, Osama’s wife did not get used as a human shield and isn’t dead, either. In actuality, she stormed at the Seal team before getting shot in her leg. Next, Osama was not armed during the raid. However, the Seals did come under fire, so you can imagine they weren’t too pleased by the time they saw OBL. The government maintains that you can resist a request to surrender without being armed. It has been reported that Osama suffered bullet wounds above his left eye that took a piece of skull with it, along with a shot to the chest. Osama bin Laden received a burial at sea as the Navy dumped his body after giving it a proper Islamic burial. Thought time…

1- Mrs. bin Laden is a ride or die bitch. Sure, she can’t clean worth a damn, but when it hits the fan, she is apparently down to storm trained special ops teams on behalf of her man. Can’t knock the devotion there.

2- The fact that Osama was unarmed could not mean less to me. I’ll re-create how the surrender request would have gone down during the raid, armed or unarmed.

Navy Seal: Identify yourself, motherfc*ker!

Osama: I am Osama bin Laden! I surren… (shot rips through left forehead carrying frontal lobe with it… shot rips through heart milliseconds after).

Navy Seal: (thinks to himself) ::That was all I needed to know, bro:: (nods approvingly upon review of hits to target).

and… SCENE!

Seriously. if you think the “request to surrender” is anything more than a politically correct way to cover our ass by not saying “we were popping this dude’s head even if we walked in on him reading arabic Dr. Seuss to his son while daisies were tucked behind his ear,” you’re batshit crazy.

FINAL RESULTS:

All joking aside, according to the latest report, the White House will release images of Osama’s corpse. Debates took place early on in this process as to whether such a photo should be released.  I’m not waiting to post the pictures here, because this is no place for that kind of seriousness. While conspiracy theorists will abound, regardless of the images produced, ultimately, this is a great event in the War on Terror. Hopefully to all the families affected by the events on 9/11 and in the ensuing wars, this acts as another step in the grieving process. Osama bin Laden, even in hiding, represented the evil that tries to threaten the freedom of not only Americans, but also the citizens of any free country.

As I said in the beginning of this blog, I had another “where were you when” moment upon finding out we killed Osama bin Laden. Sitting with a group of friends, one whose birthday is September 11th, we discussed how awful that day back in 2001 was and where we were. We then watched as the president addressed the nation and news stations began updating us on the facts. Maybe the only fact that matters is Osama bin Laden’s last thought on this earth was, “Oh shit!” as he stared down the barrel of that Navy Seal’s assault rifle. I cannot thank the families and soldiers who defend our freedom enough. If this blog could give them one laugh, or bit of enjoyment, it has done its purpose. God bless America. Stay tuned…

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Smorgasblog: Obama Bro’ing Out! Sheen’s Power, Uncle Tom, Youtube Chick “Singers”

March 16, 2011

Porn stars, the president, Uncle Tom, and internet video sensations. Unfortunately, not all in one story, or we’d have the best blog ever, today. But, it’s still damn good, and even Rosie Jones would be proud. Too much awesome stuff to mix into one pre-determined hot girl as your presenter of today’s Smorgasblog, so I’m just going to let it flow and see what hotness can be conjured up… Enjoy. But first…

Oh, Rosie... so good to have you back in my internet space.

OBAMA JUST BRO-ING OUT LIKE IT’S HIS DAMN JOB!

Barack, I know I’ve been writing gold, but you need to chill out with this Revolver obsession. Mr. President has obviously been reading my last two blogs about Spring Break and March Madness. First, he’s on ESPN today making his NCAA picks with his brother from an American-born mother, Andy Katz. Showing his true political beliefs, Obama resorted to an often used tactic of his in the Illinois Senate as he simply voted “present” rather than taking a stand. Dude picked nothing but 1 seeds to make it to the Final Four. For the love of Allah, show a little backbone, Barry.

But, that’s not all Barack is doing to show his love for the Revolver. This weekend, he’s hopping a jet to Rio de Janiero to just shred it up with the finest hunnies in the world. Clearly, the Spring Break Survival Guide I wrote earlier this week got him too hot to just sit around being presidential. I mean, it’s not like Japan just exploded, the stock market has dropped, and Gadhafi is killing his own people in Libya and taking back power. To top it off, all White House events today are “closed press” except for a ceremony praising Obama’s “committment to transparent government.” Gotta love his style. Just spitting in the winds of adversity. Here’s some ass the president can expect down in Brazil.

Emanuela de Paula just melting keyboards and frying motherboards.

GRANT HILL GETS CALLED AN UNCLE TOM

By now, you probably read about the letter Grant Hill sent to the New York Times. Hill responded to an interview from Jalen Rose’s documentary on Michigan’s “Fab Five” basketball team, in which he and other black Duke players were referred to as “Uncle Toms.” If you haven’t, here’s an excerpt: “In his garbled but sweeping comment that Duke recruits only “black players that were ‘Uncle Toms,’ ” Jalen seems to change the usual meaning of those very vitriolic words into his own meaning, i.e., blacks from two-parent, middle-class families. He leaves us all guessing exactly what he believes today.”

First off, Grant: who responds via letter to the Times? Nowadays you fit that shit into 160 characters via Twitter. Your response should have read: “Jalen Rose iz str8 buggin. Coach K wuz 4eva bumpin Milez Daviz in practice. If dat makes me Unkle Tom, #itizwutitiz.” Next up, Grant, you’re trying to make it seem like Jalen Rose doesn’t know what he thinks about you, or what an Uncle Tom is. Quite the opposite, Grant. Jalen knew he was calling you a “bitch” who went to play for a white guy at a white school who generally only recruits white players. His words, not mine. By definition, that’s what made you an Uncle Tom in his eyes. Not the fact that you have two parents who work in a middle-class community. Why would THAT be a white thing? Nobody grows up with two parents in a middle-class environment these days. I thought Duke was supposed to be a good school? Don’t you know more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and 1% of Americans make up 90% of the countries wealth? The middle-class nuclear white family went out the window with pre-nups and 9/11. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

REBECCA BLACK KNOWS WHEN FRIDAY IS!!!

Effing Bieber! Dude created this whole new genre of music where his little tard chick fans think they can just make music on Youtube, and get famous so he’ll want to give them his purity ring or some crap. Biebers don’t just grow on trees, especially American ones. Is Rebecca Black shitting me? Do her friends think she is cool? There’s no way this video is serious, right? Just a bunch of 14 year-olds looking forward to Friday so they can “party”? This isn’t a 90210 episode, hunny. You and your gang aren’t robbing any liquor cabinets and dabbling in the booger sugar. At best, you’re chugging a Red Bull or two, playing “Truth or Dare” and buzzing off that caffeine while you send iChat videos to each others Facebook walls while sitting in the same room.

Really, I blame the parents here. At some point, your kid’s dreams have to get crushed. Simple fix to the cyber bullying their daughter should be enduring over this video would just be: “Darling, we know you want Justin’s purity ring, but your songs make as much sense as Helen Keller’s early work, and have the intellectual depth of a toddler’s soiled diaper.” Instead, this chicks rich-as-Satan parents decided to dump money into studio time, a freelance videographer, and whoever the old black dude is who dropped the hook that literally may have murdered Nate Dogg, today. What a sell-out. And Jalen Rose thinks Grant Hill is an “Uncle Tom.”

CHARLIE SHEEN’S EX IS BI-LOSING, OBVIOUSLY

Kacey Jordan, the porn star who joined Charlie Sheen in his epic January booze and cocaine bender that landed him in the hospital, may have attempted suicide. Jordan posted a series of suicidal tweets on Twitter Monday night from her Chicago hotel. “Those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen . . . messed me up . . . i can’t get that image out of my head . . . i think i keep trying to feel his pain,” she wrote.”I took a bunch of pills . . . drank a hotel size bottle of jack [Daniels whiskey],” she wrote in another tweet that sparked her followers to send cops to the Peninsula Hotel.

Classic porn star move. This is right out of the “Dirty Whore” book. Even when you’re a porn star, and you’re getting paid in Aston Martins by the Sheen to do drugs, have sex and be a rock star from Mars, there’s a certain code of conduct to follow. You don’t rat out the Sheen for his recent, now-epic drug binge. You had your sex, you got your car, now shut up and be gone. But no, you have to cling to greatness. Trying to ride those golden coattails into legitimate porn star status, because the only thing worse than being a porn star, is being a porn star no one had ever heard of. “Those 16 hours… really messed me up… I think i keep trying to feel his pain…” Seriously, toots?! Feel his pain? Charlie couldn’t feel pain even if he weren’t more numb than an icicle on novocaine due to decades of cocaine abuse, because he’s too busy winning! Now pick yourself up off that cold bathroom floor. Nobody is buying it.

This story just made me so angry I need some Rosie Jones…

... with an automatic rifle.

And that brings us to the end of yet another successful Smorgasblog! Who knew Rosie Jones would start and finish it? Okay, maybe we all did.

Stay tuned…



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Obama Gets Hit By a Bus! Sort of…

November 4, 2010

“Now I’m not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I took last night… I’m sure there are easier ways to learn these lessons.” – Barack Obama: 11/3/10

Much easier, Barack. If only little Malia and Sacha were old enough to be fans of Mean Girls, they could have forced daddy to watch and learn from the downfall of Regina George. Head of the “Plastics,” Regina rises to the top of the “girl world” food chain after strategically positioning friends and enemies against each other. (Yes, I enjoy Mean Girls thoroughly. It’s witty, and entertaining!) The problem with that strategy is, once it all hits the fan, she has nobody left who actually likes her.

Over these past two years, Obama’s policy and actions finally hit the fan. Tuesday night, as Republicans claimed 63 seats in the House and 6 seats

Obama has given that same stare to Pelosi and Reid, I'm not making this up.

in the Senate, with many races still left undecided more than a day later. You can’t tell Republicans that they can come along for the ride, “but they’ve gotta sit in the back of the bus,” (especially if you were white) like Obama did on the campaign trail before last night. You can’t refer to Republicans as the “enemies” of latinos, because they may not want illegal immigrants crossing the borders. Just like Regina got hit by that bus and had her head put in traction for the prom, Obama got hit by a bus and his presidency may be in traction for the next two years. You see, if you’re going to burn bridges, and piss people off for two straight years, you better be right. Tuesday night, the American public let Obama know he’s been more wrong than that time Stevie Wonder got spun around three times and dropped in a corn maze.

To this point in his presidency, Mr. Obama has acted with the arrogance

Sorry, Barack, but you're not in an indestructible suit running off technology yet to be discovered.

of Tony Stark, only he didn’t create the world’s greatest superweapon, and Pepper Potts isn’t his Chief of Staff. Now, it looks like he may actually sit down and speak with Republican leaders. Until Tuesday night’s Dem-debacle,  Obama never once spoke with then-Republican House Minority (now Majority) Leader John Boehner, or Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell about ways they could work together. That chat should be about as awkward as a one-night stand meeting the roommates the next morning. But not quite as awkward as any of Barney Frank’s one night stands.

The fact is, Obama never wanted to sit down and talk with Republicans, but now he’s been forced to. This is similar to a guy who consistently cheats on his girlfriend… until he gets caught. Then he’s sorry. Obama would have kept on pushing his agenda through Congress, if he still had the Congress. Just like that boyfriend would keep cheating on his girlfriend, if he didn’t get caught. People rarely change on their own, and we’ve seen Obama’s true colors. “Bipartisonship” is simply a fancy political word that the president used to get into his office, just like “weonlyhookeduponce” is the fancy word cheating boyfriends use.

One of the reasons I love politics is because they mirror sports. The election season is always filled with ups and downs for candidates, like any sports team. In the end, there is a winner and a loser. After the election, you get to follow how those people act with power. Along the way, you learn everything about the team. Who can’t shoot free throws. Who votes to increase the deficit. Who strikes out on sliders in the dirt. Who votes to pass a health care bill that will send premiums skyrocketing and could bankrupt the country. Who flirts improperly with Spanish sideline reporters. Who has a homosexual relationship with a Fannie Mae exec, thus backing the efforts of that executive as his company helps cripple the country’s economy (that last one is Barney Frank. Scroll back up to the previous end of paragraph joke if you didn’t get it the first time).

Here's the Spanish TV reporter... and you thought I would make you read a whole blog without a hot chick? I know my readership!

The last two years, Obama saw his career rise and fall faster than the Pogs fad. Except, Pogs only cost millions of kids their dignity on the playground, while Obama has cost the country trillions of dollars in debt, and our nation its dignity on a global scale as he goes around calling us “arrogant” and apologizing for our country being so powerful. What he failed to realize is the United States of America has 234 years of exploits and reasons for arrogance. Hopefully, Barack Obama only has two years left.

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Tea Party Stirs Midterm Election Night

November 2, 2010

I did it again. In keeping with the personal credo of my Halloween costumes, I chose a current event/issue and dressed as it for the day America overlooks slutty outfits. This idea all started when I dressed as Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball in 6th grade and won most original costume at my school’s family dance. Damn, were the girls flocking to me THAT night. Since then, amongst other things, I’ve been a Duke lacrosse player, one of Michael Vick’s dogs, the Stock Market, Allen from The Hangover and most recently, the Tea Party. All of those costumes were utter hits, as you can imagine, save for one.

Sunday night, whilst wearing a party hat, button down shirt, necklace of tea, and the Republican elephant symbol, a Jagermeister shot girl came up to my friends and I asking what we all were. She started off on fire. “Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Kenny Powers, a Caveman, Eminem and… uhhh, umm… is it your birthday?!” she asked me. “No, I’m the Tea Party. Get it. Party Hat. Tea. Republican symbol,” I responded. She didn’t get it. “You mean like, the Boston Tea Party?!” At this point I was far more interested in the bucket of alcoholic concoction that was in front of me, so I looked up and asked, “You’re not really a political junkie, are you?” To which she laughed and said, “Nooo, I was an English major. I hate history.” Exasperated, I ended the discourse: “Yes, you’re exactly right. I’m the Boston Tea Party. Now can I get a Jager lanyard or what?”

Sure, I got the lanyard, but there was a larger issue at hand here. An election that stood to shape our country’s future was two days away and this self-proclaimed college-educated Jager shot girl did not know what the Tea Party was. Now aside from the fact that I believe she majored in English about as much as I’d believe four consecutive strippers telling me they are just dancing to get through law school, I realized that this may be a very good thing. But not for Democrat politicians.

Perhaps Shakespeare was more her... cup of tea. Lame pun, FTW!

Flash back two years. “Hope and change!” “Yes we can!” Remember those fun little sayings? Gosh, they sure were neat. I recall them well. My peers came to class dressed in their trendy Obama tees. Street volunteers handed out pamphlets ranging from the plight of the Polar Bear, to mosquito nets in Africa, to why Obama would save America from debt, a crap economy and everyone not having healthcare, like in Europe! It didn’t matter to these leftists that “Europe” would just be called “Germany” if it wasn’t for “America.” To them, the last eight years of George W. Bush meant that America is evil and needs to hug foreign dictators more.

Flash forward to the present. Obama’s approval rating has shifted from 65% approving and 29% disapproving after a month in office, to 45.6% approving and 49.4% disapproving after two years in office. That’s a +36 to a -4. To put it another way, February 2009 Obama was Brooklyn Decker, while present-day Obama is Kelly Osbourne.

Yep. Brooklyn.

Present-day Barack? Is that you?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why did Obama get Kelly Osborne ugly, you ask? Partly because our federal deficit has doubled since he stepped into office. Partly because the economic stimulus did nothing to create new jobs, even though fuzzy math by the White House say it sort of did (too bad part-time Census worker jobs don’t come around every year). Partly because the health-care bill that got passed sucks. But mostly, because Obama has done nothing to create much “Hope.”

Sure, there’s been change, only all it did was piss off the largest group of America. The Americans who work hard for their money and would like to keep most of it, not give it to the government to fund failed stimulus bills, expansive health care bills, and legislation that lets illegal aliens live, work, and receive benefits from them. Those angry people formed a party named for the revolutionary act that took place when colonists rose up against the latest tax from King George III. In a way, my Jager shot girl wasn’t completely ignorant after all. The Boston Tea Party was the inspiration for the current Tea Party, sort of.

So here’s why young people not knowing what the Tea Party is becomes a problem for Obama-led Democrats. Because no one who rallied around the current president two years ago seems to even care about these mid-term elections. The man who led the social networking political movement failed to keep the attention of his newest voting group. You see, on the internet, you get your 15 minutes of fame, but usually fail to hold the attention of us over-diagnosed ADD ritalin addicts known as the 18-25 year old age bracket. We’ve got more important stuff to see and do, like watch the ultimate freakout kid on Youtube, and peruse Maxim’s Hot 100.

Arianny Celeste is #23... in case you were wondering.

So now, we get to see the election results tonight. Every single House seat is up for grabs. Thirty-seven Senate and Governor seats are open. The House is almost guaranteed to turn Republican. Which means no more Nancy Pelosi. The Senate should come closer to 50-50, which means no more jamming bills through to Fuhrer Obama. Meanwhile, Obama has become so unpopular that most Democrats did not even want his help in their campaign, as they try to distance themselves from his policy of the past two years. Even the least politically-inclined, like the Jager shot girl, knows that can’t be a good thing.