Posts Tagged ‘Carl Crawford’

h1

Why I Couldn’t Care Less About Theo Epstein Leaving

October 26, 2011

Boy Wonder. The Man Who Broke the Curse. The Mastermind. Inventor of the “Scouting and Player Development Machine.” Genius.

However you liked to refer to Theo Epstein over the past ten years, his era in Boston has ended in a shitstorm that I think gives the best nickname of them all: Houdini. Did this guy who just oversaw the biggest collapse in regular season baseball history really just sign a five year, 18.5 million dollar contract to run the Cubs? The man who signed John Lackey to a five-year, $82.5 million contract, only to see Lackey post the worst season of any starter in baseball history (literally) two season later, not only didn’t get fired, but he also got a promotion?! The genius who signed Carl Crawford, to patrol the smallest left field in baseball… then have him bat 7th because we already had our top six hitters in the lineup, to a seven-year $142 million contract not only watched Crawford put up a sub-.300 on-base percentage, but also got a promotion in job title? Am I the only one who feels like this…

If you agree this makes less sense than Helen Keller riding a bicycle in Times Square, keep reading. Otherwise, you’re probably a delusional Cubs fan, and I’d recommend you continue this blissful fit of ignorance and stop reading. But before you go, here’s this peace offering…

Melanie Iglesias does Youtube flipbook videos. I don't know what that means either, but you should watch them.

Somehow, Theo Epstein is made of teflon in the baseball world. He quit on the Red Sox in 2005 citing his “heart and soul” wasn’t into the job when he got offered a three year $4.5 million deal. This guy who supposedly lived and died with the Red Sox growing up in Brookline, Mass. didn’t have his heart and soul in running the team?! I don’t even need to explain how absurd this is. Then, for whatever reason, ownership didn’t get pissed and move on from the spoiled brat who ditched town in a Gorilla suit: THEY BEGGED HIM TO RETURN.

In the mean time, Theo’s replacement at the time (and replacement now) Ben Cherington, swung the deal that won the Red Sox the 2007 World Series when he traded top prospects Hanley Ramirez and Anibal Sanchez for Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell. Lowell won the MVP of that World Series, and Beckett was the team’s best pitcher. Epstein is on record as saying he wouldn’t have made that deal, which is fine. We wouldn’t have won that World Series, either, though.

Now, after the epic collapse, a manager who lost control of his team, and a team that committed mutiny worse than Jack Sparrow’s crew, Epstein moves to a team that hasn’t won a World Series since 1908. We are all about to find out if the boy really is a genius. The Cubs are an absolute mess right now. They just won 71 games, they have no star players, a bunch of bad contracts and a weak minor league system. When Theo took over in 2002, the Red Sox had a nucleus of players left behind that carried the team within an inning of the 2003 World Series. With some minor tweaks, a lucky free agent signing (David Ortiz) and a Curt Schilling falling in his lap, the Red Sox finally broke the Babe’s curse the following season. If the Cubs can play .500 ball this year, it’s an enormous success.

What everybody was thinking...

h1

Red Sox 2011 Post Mortem

October 5, 2011

Water is clean and pure and capable of washing away man’s sin. Last week, raindrops fell from the sky and struck my window sill with the cadence of a revolutionary enlisted regiment. I awoke in a foggy glaze of the night prior. The events transpiring in a dreamlike flash that could only be harbored in my narrowest subconsciousness. The better part of me forgetting what caused such a restless night’s sleep, I immediately snapped into an intense clarity from the slamming of metal whose rusted pistons signified refuse had been cleared from the street. Suddenly, water, with its solely unique volatility to sustain life and create decay,  became toxic when mixed with the human waste removed from the slick pavement. The Red Sox season ended earlier that morning. Moon light casted a midnight shadow over a vacant Fenway Park whose grass would go dormant and die before stitched rawhide rolled along it again.

Often, the feats of an athlete or team are romanticized in such a way to make Thoreau or Emerson himself wish they had crafted the words. I tried it for the previous paragraph, and found that aside from sounding like a douche, the 2011 Red Sox deserve no such pleasantries. The garbage removal description is a fitting coincidence to this Red Sox season. It’s a week later, and I feel no different than the minute after Evan Longoria did his best Dr. Kevorkian and used a walk-off home run to euthanize this Red Sox season. Sick, pitiful, and causing more pain with each passing day, it was the merciful thing to do.

Somewhere over the past seven years, the Red Sox shifted from an emotion-filled baseball team of self-proclaimed idiots and cowboys, to a faceless corporation of high paid suits working a 9-5. Maybe that’s what happens when you win the World Series for the first time in 86 years. Then do it again three years later. Gradually, the losses hurt less, the wins provided less joy, and I found myself  rooting for a team with about two likeable players. The Green Monster is littered with advertisements, center field tells me where to grocery shop, NESN is forcing Bill James “Temperature Gauge” down my throat like a Nathan’s Hot Dog contest, and Fenway Park is a summer social scene rivaling the swanky bars on the wharf. In 2003, I cried myself to sleep after Aaron (Uffin’) Boone ended the  Red Sox World Series hopes with a left field walk off homer. In 2011, I was numb to Longoria doing the same thing. If the guys on the field didn’t care, I couldn’t either. Quite frankly, I needed this loss. The Red Sox as an organization needed this loss.

Now, after the biggest collapse in regular season history, heads are starting to roll. Francona, the most successful manager in Red Sox history is the first to go. Citing a mutual decision, in which reports say Tito simply lost control of a clubhouse full of prima donnas. While many fans might wish it weren’t true, Tito became such a player’s manager, and kept things so “in house” that there was a mutiny. Unfortunately, captain’s go down with their ship.

The fact that fans and the media are so outraged by pitchers drinking beer in the clubhouse shouldn’t be such a “holy shit” moment. In the 60s, 70s, and 80s, guys were borderline stoned and cracked out on the field. Baseball and beer are practically synonymous. David Wells pitched his perfect game hungover on no sleep from the night before, and if you read any accounts from old-time baseball, most players were notorious drunks (Ruth, Foxx, Cobb, Mantle to name a few Hall of Famers). Blame this season on some Bud Light smoothies all you want, but it required much more for a collapse of this magnitude. True pros don’t let things like beer get in the way of their craft. I may or may not be shnockered right now, but it wouldn’t get in the way of amazing blogging.

Bud Light Girls. Because there haven't been any girls in this blog. I'm too focused.

More realistically, this season went to hell in a handbasket when the starting pitchers all dropped faster than acid in front of Jimi Hendrix. After Dice K’s elbow finally exploded from all those imaginary gyroballs he could throw, Clay Buchholz’ literal broken back was the straw that broke the idiomatic camel’s back. Suddenly, we were left with a rotation of:  

Jon Lester: Mediocre all season, with a few gems mixed in, until an embarrasing September in which he resembled a left-handed John Lackey.

Josh Beckett: Had a fine season, and I hate to come down hard on a guy with a sub-3 ERA, but this dude was straight up obese by the end of the year. In his final start, he was resting his glove on his pot belly while holding runners on like Homer Simpson rests a Duff on his gut.

Erik Bedard: What do you say about a guy who doesn’t just live on the DL, he buys up other property and becomes the landlord? Thanks for those 5 inning, 3 run efforts you served up.

Tim Wakefield: The quest for 200 wins took longer than Ulysses” god-forsaken Iliad and Odyssey combined. Night in and night out were were treated to Timmy lobbing watermelons up to the dish praying one night we’d score 12 and not give up 13.

John Lackey: Shellackey, Mouth Breather, Big Hoss, pick your name for him, but this guy just put up the worst statistical pitching season in Red Sox history. If you missed it, don’t worry, there’s 3 years at 17 million per remaining on his contract. The only thing that could make Lackey more unlikeable  is if I told you he is in the process of divorcing his cancer-stricken wife. Wait. Crap.

Basically, we were taking the field every night with a disadvantage in pitching matchups come September. On top of all that, the lineup somehow stopped producing.

Adrian Gonzalez – turned into a singles hitter, as reports came up that his surgically repaired shoulder limited his power. Not sure how everybody forgot he even had a surgically repaired shoulder when he decided to use his SURGICALLY REPAIRED SHOULDER  in the Home Run Derby.  There were times during the season Gonzalez looked like me roping opposite field home runs during wiffle ball. There were other times he put up consistently horrendous at bats against the Yankees and Rays in every big September game.

Kevin Youkilis– You can’t be that out of shape and constantly banged up for so long without it taking its toll. I can’t picture Youkilis making any movement without a grimace and wince. Dude probably rips a hemi just trying to wipe. Now let’s see what a full year flopping around at third base got him: a hip flexor and sports hernia that landed him on the bench during  the most important month. Perfect.

Varitekalamacchia– The catching platoon that actually produced some of the best power totals from that position was nonexistant in the final month. ‘Tek simply is too old to be squatting when the September chill hits his bones. Salty hits breaking pitches worse than Bobbi Brown hit Whitney, and the league figured that out.

Carl Crawford– somehow, went from being the best statistical player in the game last year, to an anemic liability this year. He actually had a few walk-off hits early in the season that everyone assumed would snap him out of his slump. But for whatever reason, once he signed a contract for triple the Rays payroll this year, he apparently thought he had to bat .700 with 113 home runs and 346 rbis. What I still can’t figure out is how he wasn’t even stealing bases. I know you need to get on base to steal, but he was a total non-factor in every aspect of the game. Fittingly, the Red Sox lost the final game on a ball that Crawford failed to make the play on. It summed up his entire suck season in Boston.

In the end, the real Red Sox fans have their team back: chokers who invented new ways to lose. It just took a few seasons of looking in the mirror and lying to ourselves to finally recognize how much has changed. We see all of these problems and finally realize we need help. Theo has been living off World Series titles that  have masked his inability to add any productive piece to the team via free agency.  When you’re a big market ballclub, Moneyball is fun, but it’s the actual money that puts you over the top.

Stay tuned…

h1

Smorgasblog: NHL > NBA? M-Bone Dead, Thor Yoked, and the Red Sox Alive

May 18, 2011

Sorry about the six day break in bloggage. We all know my weekends are a mission in market research for new topics. Combine that with May weather that would make a Twilight tween brace for Edward or Jacob to show up at their door, and you get no blogs. Seriously, it’s not even raining, but everything is just damp. Like a literal wet towel draped upon my life, which is already stuck somewhere between neutral in a ditch and stagnant in a dive bar. Thankfully, I’ve been ripping off naps like it’s my job and watching sports on the reg, which means you get some deep thoughts, and hot chicks in today’s smorgasblog. Le’go.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley earned a feature on the Revolver a few months back, then Maxim named her #1 on its Hot 100 a couple weeks back. Coincidence? I think not.

DID THE NHL PLAYOFFS JUST OUTSHINE THE NBA?

I have to start off with this question because Tuesday’s action in both sports made me question the entertainment value of each game. I officially invested in the Bruins playoff run this year because they broke enough of my heart during last year’s collapse to make me care. I also still watch every NBA playoff game with my own Celtics eliminated because I genuinely enjoy the sport. Last night, for the first time, I concluded the hockey game won out, at least on this night. Yes, on a night where Dirk Nowitzki shot as efficiently as a hybrid running on vegetable oil, scoring 48 points on 15 shot attempts, the Bruins-Lightning game legitimately had 20 different “are you shitting me?!” moments. Kind of like when you see the timeline of women Leonardo DiCaprio has plowed through over the years.

Call me crazy, but to give this up...

For whatever reason, David Stern decided this would be the year of the free throw in the NBA playoffs. If you are a star player in the league, and you go to the basket, the referees will bail you out. No matter how badly you travel (Lebron), flail wildly (Westbrook), spin and shoot over your head (Rose), legitimately draw zero contact (Wade) or take a small pat on the ass (Dirk, Durant), you will get to the line. The Mavs-Thunder game had 79 free throw attempts last night. Including technicals, the whistle blew over 40 times to stop the game and let a guy take a free shot at the basket. That’s about as entertaining as watching drying paint on growing grass in a sandbox.

Meanwhile, Bruins and Lightning players

... you've gotta do better than this. Not crazy? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

were flying all over the ice, to the point that small enough mistakes kept happening to open up amazing scoring chances, en route to a 6-5 Bruins win. Along the way, a Bruins rookie named Tyler Seguin scored on a breakaway dangle and a snipe over the glove-side, while assisting on two other goals… all in the same period. The Bruins trailed 2-1, then led 6-3, before the Lightning trailed 6-5 and made desperate attempts on net for four solid minutes while Tim Thomas hardly stood on his head, but beat back all shots from any angle with every inch of his equipment. When the final horn blew, the Bruins held on and tied the series at 1 game a piece. Which is good news, because we might just get to watch five more games like this one.

M-BONE DEAD, MILLIONS MOURN

A friend of mine and I share a very serious sentiment that outsiders may misconstrue as a joke. The worst day of his year, thus far, is the time we didn’t get to go ice skating at the Frog Pond in Boston on New Year’s Day.  Because the whole group bailed, and two hetero guys can’t just go galivanting around like it’s the GOTDAMN ice-capades out there, the moment passed us by. Since then, I can not remember one time I have been legitimately upset, or sad. Just high on life as a motheruffer. Going on party buses, watching sports, hitting up sorority formals and Dougie’ing my ass off along the way. Then, like Thor’s hammer, news hit of M-Bone’s untimely death and all that awesomeness came to a halt.

Your first thought when you saw the headline was probably, “Wait, who is M-Bone?!” Then you read the first line of the news story and got that same sinking feeling: Rapper M-Bone, whose group, Cali Swag District, scored a hit this year with “Teach Me How to Dougie” is dead after gunshot wounds to the head during a drive-by shooting. Suddenly, you came to remember that old saying: “life is like an hour glass placed on a table, each with its own unique sands.” Alright, maybe I made up that quote because I remember one like it using the hour glass analogy, but still. M-Bone cannot be thanked enough for providing us the one great jewel he had in him. While many of us will pass through this life impacting nobody, pushing paper at a 9-5, reading my blog and hoping to be as amazing as either myself, or the people I write about, M-Bone was out there living it. Homie was just parked on a Monday night outside a liquor sto’ trying to get his sip on when he got two-pieced to the dome. Next time you’re out and hear the Dougie, pour one out for M-Bone. Remember, your year wouldn’t have been the same if M-Bone never taught you how to dougie.

Inspiration for us all.

Thor’s All Yoked Up and Norse-Godly

If I read one more article about a movie star who never lifted a weight before they started training for their role as (INSERT SUPERHERO) I am just going to snap. That shit just doesn’t work for the common man, unless you’re like me and you’ve been on a strict two-a-day Perfect Pushup plan for years now. This cocky Aussie, Chris Hemsworth (first appeared in Star Trek as Kirk’s dad who got blown up), decided to roll up to the set of Thor so jacked up he didn’t even fit in the costume, then says he never lifted in his life. Really, bro? You never lifted a weight in your life, then you were magically able to look like a cross between Hulk Hogan, Mark McGwire and Fabio? After seeing the movie, my friend who lifts regularly and holds a record in the Boston University workout room said, “After Thor, I’m not lifting another weight until I get some steroids.” Way to ruin it for the rest of us short, white, unathletic dudes, Hemsworth. You’re lucky I get a Natalie Portman pictorial segway out of your vanity.

Absolutely destroying it in the nerdy-scientist-who-wears-plaid-but-gets-a-god-to-love-her role.

RED SOX PIMP-SLAP THE YANKEES

I had to google this whole mess of a series, because I know I drank a lot during it, but did the Yankees honestly start Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia?! Like, your payroll is almost a quarter billion dollars, and after CC Sabathia, you trot Colon, Garcia, AJ Burnett and Ivan Nova out there?! This shit ain’t Little League. You don’t get to mow down scrappy lefty slap hitters like myself. This series was just what the doctor ordered to turn the season around, let the Red Sox rip off like a 14-2 run and cruise to the division title like I predicted. Meanwhile, the Sox are only getting better now that Lackey and Dice K have been forced to fake elbow inflammation for the good of the team. Once Pedroia starts his annual laser show and Crawford realizes Boston is not a racist town, the only real question is how many games we win after starting the year 2-11.

Kelly Brook from Piranha 3D... since you didn't see the movie, I'll show her here.

Stay tuned…




h1

MLB Nostradamusing 2011

March 30, 2011

Smell that? Well, of course not. You can’t smell words typed on a screen within the internets. But, hypothetically, you can conjure the smell: that mix of freshly cut grass, grilled hot dogs, oiled leather and salty nuts (including the ones in need of a shower after you baked in the bleacher’s sun during a day game). Yes, it is finally,

God. Bless. America.

wonderfully, baseball season. More American than a pair of blue jeans and a stars and stripes bikini on Burke Burke, riding in a Ford pickup listening to Kenny Chesney eating McDonald’s outside the White House, baseball season isn’t just the first true sign that winter is over, but it is the hope of summer. With baseball comes bikinis, broads, beaches, BBQs, beer, (party) buses, Brooke Burke and, obviously, alliteration. All the best things in life. Without further ado, and because I ran out of awesome things that start with a “B”, besides Boston Red Sox, I give to you, my official 2011 MLB Preview.

BEST NON-BASEBALL RELATED STORIES ENTERING 2011

Thankfully, Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac got robbed just days before I wrote this blog, or the only story I’d have to talk about is Alexi Ogando being involved in a human trafficking ring. Since they did get robbed, I actually have something to talk about. Basically, if I were writing the story, it goes something like: “CLEARWATER, FLA.- Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac know all about hard work. Bro’ing out hardcore in a mansion while playing Spring Training baseball, plowing through groupie slores away on spring break and balling out on the XBox sticks, whilst wearing insured watches and burning money can be an exhausting proposition for most. No ordinary human can fathom having to lock the aforementioned mansion’s door on top of all that. Well, in a real plot twist, all their cool stuff got stolen. Included are Price’s 50k watch collection, Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle, and Brignac’s 1976″ HOLD UP! Stop, Colt.

Fascist haircut.

Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle?! THE UFF?!” Yes. Apparently, Evan Longoria is the most anti-American mother-uffer in the MLB because dude straight up legally owns an AK-47, not an M-16. Wait, you’re surprised? You thought he rocked that faux-mullet-mohawk because he wasn’t an eastern European post-Soviet break-up insurgent preparing to waste anyone who dare attempt stealing his pricey American trinkets?! Oh, word.

Now back to that Alexi Ogando story, because, I shit you not, dude is a registered human trafficker (I feel like you have to register for such an offense, right?). Back in

Because that last picture of Evan didn't do it for you, the reader.

’05 (I don’t know how to type the “Aught” sound people are using for the 00’s, but read it like that, for fancy historical context) Ogando was minding his own business re-entering the United States, trying to get his pitch on, when federal agents were waiting for him. It seems, an inordinate amount of Latin players were marrying chicks who got denied US Visas (I couldn’t get a credit card for a while either) at the time. Ogando pleaded guilty to this crime, got arrested, and banned from US re-entry for five years. If you’re thinking: “Shit, that’s illegal?!” I’m right there with you. If this whole underemployment thing doesn’t keep working out for me, I planned to get some money/a wife this way. Just goes to show, the “human trafficking” world isn’t all about finding US-born virgins following U2 around in France, abducting them, getting them addicted to meth, and auctioning them off to Saudi Sheiks. That’s just the plot to Taken. Thankfully, it’s been five years, Ogando is pissed, and is just striking out Americans with fastballs from hell. He’s back to being a rich baseball player, a fifth starter in the Rangers rotation, an ace in my heart, and on my fantasy team, obviously. God Bless America. Again.

BEST OFF-SEASON ACQUISITION

AL: Carl Crawford, Red Sox

Unfortunately for Carl, the Red Sox signed Darnell McDonald and his neck tattoos just before last season, or Carl Crawford would be the first Sox player to hold such an honor. Look, this isn’t the NBA, neck tats don’t just grow on Rule V drafts. Fortunately for the Red Sox, Crawford might be their most dynamic player, ever. By dynamic, I mean most freakishly athletic with all five of the tools that smart people say players have (six if you include neck tats as a tool). He will make a huge impact in the clubhouse (where rap music immediately moves up the locker room playlist), and on the field (where he’s just really good at baseball).

NL: Cliff Lee, Phillies

Uncle Cliffy gets absolutely no props for this one. While the Phillies made an amazing move acquiring the best pitcher in baseball via free agency, Lee made an amazingly whipped move of going back to an ex-girlfriend, er, team. While hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, apparently, Cliff Lee hath no problem with a team trading his ass and then going back to them once they begged. If you’re wondering how the “woman scorned” thing comes into play there, I’m not sure. But here’s a woman that has been scorned once or twice…

Oh hey, Jenn Sterger's ready for the baseball season!

WORST OFF-SEASON MOVE

AL- NY Yankees, Idle

“Idle hands end up doing work the Devil would do if he were in the Yankees front-officegoes the old saying. Sure enough, this off-season, the Yankees whiffed on every pitch they saw. Even when everyone penciled in Cliff Lee as their newest $100+ million man, nobody took into account the whole “When Cliff Lee faced the Yankees in the World Series, ignorant classless NY fans heckled his wife in the stands… Effect.” Ouch, brah.

NL- St. Louis Cardinals, Pujols Contract

When you have Albert Pujols under contract, and you own not only Anheuser-Busch, but also the St. Louis Cardinals, you “pay zee mon hees moniez”, as Teddy KGB would say in Rounders. Instead, the Cardinals balked at the concept that Pujols isn’t worth 30 million a year, and now, they get to duel with the Red Sox or Yankees this off-season to try to re-sign him. Thankfully, the Pujols distraction may not matter since Wainwright’s injury probably killed their season dead, anyway.

I'd still go to a Cards game without Albert there, if these chicks are... with Budweisers... just sayin'

BEST PITCHER WHO THROWS BASEBALLS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE

AL: Felix Hernandez, Mariners (Again)

King Felix (I just Googled who King Felix actually was, you know, in history. Can’t find anything… so yeah, sweet nickname, brah) is just too good at throwing a baseball. Jon Lester is everyone’s pick this year, but just because the Sox offense got better doesn’t mean he’s not facing the Yankees, Blue Jays, Rays and even an improved Orioles lineup 76 times this year. Felix the Cat (much more recognizable nickname, I think), on the other glove, gets to face crappy AL West lineups like the Angels and A’s. CC Sabathia may have lost weight this off-season, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read that five consecutive years, and I think his innings and calories toll finally starts wearing him down into more of a tier-two pitcher.

NL: Roy Halladay, Phillies

Doc Halladay (I get this nickname, Doc Holliday was a famous gunfighter… if you didn’t get it) wins this award by default. I think Cliff Lee has a bit of a problem adjusting BACK to the NL, Josh Johnson would be my pick, but he has to face the Phillies and Braves and all their good pitchers/lineups far too often. Lincecum finally snaps his arm off at the rotator cuff, Wainwright is already out for the year, as previously mentioned, and Ubaldo Jimenez will regress from a season that still wasn’t enough to win this award last year. Plus, it’s not like Halladay isn’t amazingly consistent and gets to face the Mets a lot or anything.

Since that's the only time I'll mention the Mets in this blog, this Mets fan is dedicated to my friend, Bertie... I drink whiskey and talk baseball with him sometimes. America.

MAN WITH A BAT AND GLOVE WHO USES THOSE INSTRUMENTS THE BEST

AL: Adrian Gonzalez, Red Sox

Dude got to leave the worst hitter’s park for Major Leaguers, but nicest place for normal humans to live, and come to a park tailor made for his swing. There’s this huge green wall in Boston that makes it easy for left-handed hitters, who use the opposite field, to get hits and home runs. A-Gon (I know there’s like 13 of these currently playing in the major leagues), I mean, Adrian Gonzalez, happens to be one of those perfect left-handed hitters. He also happens to be hitting behind Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia and Carl Crawford. Add it all up, add in gold-glove caliber defense, and you win my award for using a bat and glove the best.

NL: Albert Pujols- St. Louis Cardinals

There's just something about a girl in... knee pads...

Because he only loses this award when voters get tired of writing his name. In my opinion, those voters are probably racist and think he should Americanize his name to Pooholes. Well, this isn’t Ellis Island, bitches, and Pujols is still the best hitter alive and probably ever. Seriously, when it is all said and done, he may be the greatest player ever. Plus, he dated a chick with an Autistic son, married her, adopted the kid, and does more charity work than Mother Theresa in a down year (you know, when she was living and doing whatever charity work it was that she did?). I guess some other contenders are Hanley Ramirez, Prince Fielder and Carlos Gonzalez ::yawn::

BEST YOUNG PLAYER WHO WINS THE AWARD FOR BEST FIRST SEASON

Honestly, I’m not even making this prediction, because the award is kind of dumb, has almost no impact on the rest of the recipients career and almost always goes to a top prospect who gets called up during the season. Since I try to be perfect, or at least better than everyone else, I refuse to open myself up to ridicule. Gun to the head, though, AL goes to Rays pitcher Jeremy Hellickson, because he’s supposed to be real good. NL goes to Giants 1B Brandon Belt, because I read about him yesterday and he sounds real good, too. Here’s what I can predict: this next picture will be hot.

Yup, I was right.

SO, WHO IS WORLD SERIES CHAMPION

Word count tells me I just hit 1,750. As a reward to those of you still reading, I’ll get right to the winner. San Francisco… will not win it again, this year. Sure, they’ve got nice pitching and all, but like I said, Lincecum is snapping his arm off this year, and their offense sucks… so, the Yankees… won’t even make the playoffs since I’m positive no more than 19 of their fans can name their #4 and #5 pitchers, and that includes AJ Burnett as their #3, which is gross (quick side note: back in college, a late night Red Sox/Yankees argument broke out between my best friend and Yankees fan, Angelo, and myself. In the heat of the drunken moment, I repeatedly asked him to name their #3 starter at the time. In his defense, they had a rash of injuries, and I’m not sure Brian Cashman knew the answer. Short story, long, we almost came to blows, but decided shotgunning a beer would be better. It was a great decision)… so, the Phillies… won’t win the World Series, because Atlanta will beat them in the NLCS thanks to a pitching staff that is nearly as deep and a lineup that is far deeper (particularly with Utley’s status in doubt). With Atlanta in the World Series, all that’s left is naming the AL champion… the Rangers… are not it, though, as they lose to the Red Sox in the ALCS because, well, they aren’t as good. Which leaves us with the World Series matchup of Red Sox vs. Braves, to be held in Fenway Park after the American League restarts their All-Star win streak.

So… the Red Sox win the 2011 World Series. Yes, as a diehard Red Sox fan this is biased. Yes, I’m sick even making this prediction. I don’t know why I’m not giving the Yankees a guaranteed jinx and picking them, but instead I’m giving this the reverse jinx. With Lester, Buchholz, Beckett, Lackey and Dice-K, nobody in the American League matches up 1-5 in the rotation. With a lineup that adds Crawford, Gonzalez and a healthy Pedroia and Youkilis, no lineup matches up in all of baseball. All joking aside, my honest opinion says it’s the Red Sox World Series to lose.

If you didn't like this blog... this is all I have to say.

Stay tuned…


h1

Shut Up, Yankees Fans… The Red Sox are Still Poorer

December 9, 2010

Today, I am overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons. First, whenever you’re out at a bar celebrating a friends birthday by getting him belligerent you had a good night. When friends are texting you with “Carl Crawford to the Red Sox” rumors, you think you’re just drunk. Then, the bar’s flat screens are showing ESPN breaking news reports for the deal being true. Suddenly, you’re having a GREAT night and buying a round of those awful shots the smoking hot chick is pushing. You know, the girl who is at a bar running around with that tray of fruity liquor in shot glasses smaller than mouthwash servings, and charging five bucks a shot? Yes. Her.  My exact quote to a friend last night was, “Eff it, if John Henry is willing to give Carl Crawford 142 million, I’m willing to spend 100 bucks on liquor tonight.” What up 0% interest credit card!

You see, ever since John Henry bought the Red Sox with that guy who produced the Cosby’s and parlayed Katie Couric for a while (Tom

Manny.

Werner), the Red Sox have been weird. Before them, Dan Duquette was running around trying to keep up with the Yankees, every single off-season and it half-worked. Then Duquette got fired, Henry took over, called the Yankees the “Evil Empire” and boy wonder, Theo, started doling out contracts. The Red Sox haven’t had a meaningful big-name free agent acquisition since Duquette signed Manny in 2000. I wrote about that here: https://coltsrevolver.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/170-million-reasons-theo-epstein-messed-up-really-bad/

Now, within a week, the Red Sox have acquired the two most desirable players on the market, and are giving each 140+ million dollar contracts. Remember last paragraph when I said I was overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons, but only gave one? Don’t worry. Here’s reason number two. Logging into Facebook this morning, I was greeted by a wonderful personal message requesting a Revolver blog about the Sox recent activity at the Winter Meetings. This long-time fan of the Revolver said:

“So last night when the Sox reportedly signed Crawford and obviously after already getting Gonzalez, my brother text me and of course said; how do you defend yourselves now when you are becoming the yankees? Obviously a loaded question but it is true for me (and I think my red sox fans) that the yankees have always been the evil empire making the huge free agency moves. How do we justify?”

He went on to request analogies to hot women, which will obviously be obliged (although I question his use of “women” I digress). First, let me easily rip this lame Yankees fan idea that we have joined the Evil Empire like it’s the cheap toilet paper I used in college dorms. Today, I’ll be employing the classic three-prong approach the Allies used against those damn Nazi(Yankee)s.While also using hot women analogies like my friend requested. Here’s a hot woman. No analogy necessary.

Google: "Hot Woman" Get: Ingrid Vandenbosch

ATTACK #1: “It’s a Business, Man” -Jay Z

Even Hov, who is a Yankees fan, knows this is business. In any form of competition, having a trendsetter forces others to keep up, or die off. It may sound Darwinian, but consider the Baltimore Orioles the Pterodactyls. They have never been able to adapt to the current baseball culture, even with a beautiful ballpark, and a team that had Cal Ripken into the 2000s. Now, they are the perennial bottom-feeders of the AL East with no further hope on the horizon. They are extinct. Why? Because the Yankees set a trend by signing the most expensive players in baseball. Of the 23, 100,000,000 million dollar contracts in baseball history, the Yankees have paid 8 of those players for all or part of those deals (they traded for and subsequently took on the back halves of A Rod and Kevin Brown’s original deals).

Calm down retarded Yankees fan. You’re probably thinking “Yeah, but, but, like… 27 F#*KING RINGS! WE GOT THE MONEY AND WE SPEND IT BABY” and you’d only be half-retarded. To complete the retardation, you’d e-mail your brother, who happens to be a Revolver reader and open yourself up to getting owned right now. The Red Sox during that span have signed 2 of those 23 contracts (1 is pending with Adrian Gonzalez’ extension). In that same span, the Yankees have won 1 World Series, the Red Sox have won two. The Yankees are porn star hot. The Red Sox are girl-next door hot. Here.

Yankees: Sure, she's hot, but she's fake, expensive and a dirty, filthy, pig.

Red Sox: Yes, she actually played "The Girl Next Door"

ATTACK #2: “Patience is a Virtue” -Unknown Proverb

So I googled “who said patience is a virtue” and obviously got my favorite author. Unknown. Man, that guy has come up with some good shit over the years. Anyway, his thing about patience rings true for the Red Sox this off-season. Just like I wrote about that $170 million dollar “bridge to 2011” that Theo built, it’s time to pay some respect to his plan. Theo traded for his man to play first base over the next 7 or 8 years and dent the hell  out of the Monster, in A Gon. Then, he got the best free-agent not named “Cliff Lee” to rope triples into the 420 triangle and around the tricky right field at Fenway, in Carl Crawford. It just took waiting an entire year. A year in which the Yankees got older, more expensive, and didn’t win a World Series. These Yankees are like Sarah Jessica Parker. And to quote Peter Griffin, “she looks like a foot.” These Red Sox now resemble Kylie Bisutti, the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Model Search winner. A fresh, hot piece of woman, who would never be compared to looking like a foot. Here.

Yankees: Tired, Older, Foot-like.

Red Sox: Young, Talented, Sex-like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTACK #3: “It’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business” -Michael Corleone

“Wait, you already told us this is a business move, Colt.” I know. And as much as I hate when over-paid athletes cover up their selfish decisions which are strictly financial  by saying “Man, this is a business. You gotta do what’s best for your family. Gotta put bread on the table.” For the Boston Red Sox, it rings true. You cannot compete with the Yankees if you don’t have a plan, and the money to execute it. Any team in baseball can do it, they just need to get fans in the seats. Fenway Park holds the record for consecutive sellouts in Major League Baseball history. Fans come out to see a great team with a chance to win. They did that in the 1990’s when Pedro Martinez single-handedly packed a stadium searching for its first title since 1918. That’s what enabled the team to have the revenue to compete with the Yankees.

Yankees fans can thank George Steinbrenner for a lot of things. He brought them four World Series in his tenure. He cemented their legacy as the most successful sports franchise in the world. But, he also set a precedent for spending money. In a way, it took George to get the Red Sox over “The Curse.” Always falling just a bit short, the Red Sox were finally forced to keep up, or die off completely. They kept up. They’ve won two World Series in the past six years. Unfortunately for Yankees fans, the Red Sox have not only kept up, they’ve also surpassed the Yankees. At least until the Yanks sign their 9th player to ever get a $100 million contract. Cliff Lee is waiting. The 2011 season should be fun. Almost as much fun as this would be.

Jamie Gunns: I doubt that's her real name, but I really don't care.

Stay Tuned…