Posts Tagged ‘Eva Longoria’


Deep Thoughts on the NBA Playoffs Rd. 1 (Pt. 2)

April 26, 2011

Phew, I thought Part Deux would never get here. Not sure this NBA blog is more anticipated than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two (HP7b) since only like a few hundred people have read my site since yesterday. I think a couple more people read Harry Potter, but I’m holding out hope that I can one day create a mythical world that renders me a billionaire. Until then, you should read about the 10 neat things happening out in the Western Conference playoffs so far. Without further ado… I give you…

Somewhere, Eva Longoria must be smiling after her ex' first four games.

Tony Parker’s Curse:

Don't even get me started on this backstabbing, Benedict Arnold whore. What's worse than your wife cheating on you? Cheating on you with a little French prick.

Simple concept: you don’t cheat on Eva Longoria. All of a sudden, crazy shit starts happening like Tony Allen becomes a star, Mike Conley turns into the left-handed Steve Nash, Zach Randolph is Moses Malone, Marc Gasol plays like George Mikan and you’re the star point guard of a number 1 seed about to get bounced by the 8 seed.  Just goes to show you can never trust the French. One day, this slimy bastard wakes up, spreads some jelly on a hot loaf of brioche and decides, “I want to les bang zie white lady with zie cute little kidz who iz married to my les teammate, Brent Barry.” You get what you ask for man. Karma’s a bitch, especially when it comes to the French. I mean, those poor little fairies actually helped us win the Revolutionary War, then over the next 200 years we allied with England and made the French lick our collective baguettes while we saved them from speaking German.

Memphis Grizzlies’ Collective Balls: Eight guys are combining to score 90 points a game for Memphis in the playoffs. Three others chip in six points a night and all 11 of them sprint everywhere all over the court for every minute they are on it defensively. Another classic example of what happens when your supposed “best” player (Rudy Gay in this instance), gets hurt or leaves the team, in the NBA and it becomes just that: a team. Denver did it too, but Memphis is perfecting it against San Antonio right now. In their 104-86 throttling of the Spurs to take a 3-1 advantage Monday night, Memphis had nine guys score eight points or more, including the ridiculous line Darrell Arthur had off the bench: 17 mins, 14 pts, 7-10 shooting, +13. The play that best exemplified the Grizzlies advantage over the older Spurs came midway through the fourth quarter. Arthur recovered from the defensive free throw line to block a layup attempt, landed out of bounds, then dead sprinted 90 feet to catch an alley oop from OJ Mayo in transition, five seconds later. The emphatic finish essentially drove a stake through the Spurs in this series, and more likely, their dynasty of the past decade (until they rally to win the next three in one of the best comebacks ever).

All that serious basketball analysis made me thirsty. You can look at her while I go grab a drink…

You didn't think Adriana would only be in yesterday's ode to NBA girlfriends did you?

Chris Paul’s Got Great Skills: Napoleon Dynamite knew it. Chicks only like guys with great skills. Bowhunting skills, nunchuk skills, computer hacking skills. Chris Paul’s got ballhandling, shooting, defensive and every other necessary skill on a basketball court. Homie is literally toying with the Lakers in this series and he’s doing it with four backups who masquerade as starters on the Hornets. On any given possession, he dribbles in three circles, head fakes three different jumpers, then either buries one, or finds an open man who will. Paul has somehow transformed a group of certified scrubs into a cohesive unit of giant slayers who look poised to take the Lakers to seven games, if not shock the world and win the series. Personally, I’d love nothing more than to see Kobe to lose this series on a buzzer-beating 3 by his positional counterpart, and fellow Italian citizen, Marco Bellinelli.

Kobe’s Lowtop Mambas:

Hey uhh, Nike, you might want to work on these “basketball” shoes. How many times is this guy going to roll his ankle like a double-jointed Cirque de Soleil performer before we realize this little fashion statement isn’t working? I blame Kobe for being a pompous ass, obviously, but it would be amazing if the most recent injury hobbled the Black Mamba enough to trip up the Lakers in this series.


Lakers Laughingstock: I just scrolled through the Hornets roster and I’m positive there were a couple typos. For one, DJ Mbenga is haunting his ex-Lakers this series haha. Sorry, couldn’t even get through that sentence without virtually giggling. For two, Patrick Ewing Jr. is on the Hornets active roster. But more importantly, the Lakers are playing terribly. Last game, when Kobe went scoreless in the first half, finished with 17 points on 18 shots and generally sucked, he was a “facilitator.” He also chipped in six death glares to teammates (Pau Gasol led with four, matching his rebounds in 36 minutes of play) with another nine glares at officials. If the Lakers don’t win the next two games, I’ll be stunned. If they lose this series, Chris Paul should have to average 40-10-20, because he is all they have to worry about.

Mavs-Blazers Series: I’d like to write more about this series, but it has been banished to the NBA_TV second string broadcasts, and neither team really has done much to inspire me. Dallas should win the series, then lose to the Lakers, but who knows. I’d much rather just make up a conversation Dirk and DeShawn Stevenson had in the locker room recently:

It's all about the Lincoln's baby.

Dirk: (between bites of Knockwurst) So DeShawn, did it hurt when you tattooed Abe Lincoln’s face on your Adam’s apple?

Deshawn: Nah, dawg, ain’t nothin but a tickle, my brotha from anotha Germanic motha.

Dirk: Interesting. Since the whole internment camp thing us Germans kind of gave up on the tattoos.

Deshawn: The fc*k is an internment camp? That like training camp?

Dirk: You know, like Hitler… ahh never mind (angrily throws out remainder of Knockwurst)!!!

Blazers Bitching: Portland players are upset that Brian Cardinal laid out Patty Mills on a screen with the clock winding down and the game in hand. You know what I say? Don’t play this bush league “press and play D for the whole 48 minutes until the final buzzer blows,” Portland. This is the NBA. Everyone knows when the game is out of reach, you give up under a minute. Scrubs come off the bench and jack up threes or maybe catch a banger. Patty Mills should be embarrassed that he’s ball-hawking for a steal, trying to embarrass a fellow tiny ass point guard in JJ Barea. You want to do that sort of crap? Fine, here’s Brian Cardinal’s brickshithouse frame knocking your ass over. There you go Patty, let whoever the hell is even on Portland nowadays peel you up out of the floorboards.

I’m all fired up now, time for a dime piece.

Elsa Benitez, former SI cover model, and wife of... yep, you guessed it... RONY SEIKALY! They aren't together anymore, because Elsa realized he had no low post game. Badump bump!

Nuggets Tattoos: Because you literally cannot notice anything else during a Nuggets game. Every time up and down the court, there’s a close-up shot of one of these psychopaths. So, I’m going to highlight my two most impressive tattoos, and let a picture of a tat be worth a thousand words. Or just one silent jaw drop. (Honorable mention to Kenyon Martin who was forced to cover up the lips tattoo of his now-ex rapper girlfriend Trina, otherwise, he would have made my cut).

Chris "Birdman" Anderson: "Free Bird" Neck Tat, amongst other things.

JR Smith "Swish" and "YM" young money tattoo. How excited was George Karl when he found out JR became a young money athlete, by the way?

Scotty Brooks is Liam Neeson: While I’m not sure this has any impact on the series, if I’m the Nuggets, I’m definitely concerned when I have to beat not only Qui Gon Jin, but Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, too. Seriously, check out the comparison between the two.

You’re confused aren’t you? I know, it’s like, did the guy on the left teach Obi Wan or Serge Ibaka his craft? Is the guy on the right giving speeches to Kevin Durant in the huddle or tracking down Albanian human traffickers? Either way, Brooks has Oklahoma City poised and ready to make a deep playoff run. They are even getting the bonus of not having to face the Spurs in the next round (most likely), who they do not match up well with. Expect the Thunder to roll past Memphis, as they are both young energetic teams, only Memphis is far overmatched in talent. Unlike this chick…

That's not Tara Reid... it's Devin Harris' Playboy girlfriend Meghan Allen, and her underboobs. The NBA: I LOVE THIS GAME!

So, for those who counted yesterday, or today, I only did nine stories for each Conference. I didn’t plan it, just somewhere along the line I thought “eh, nobody will notice” and “I don’t write too well as it is, especially if I’ve got nothing to write about.” If you were really looking for two more thoughts from me, here they are:

1- Oklahoma City is the best home-court in the NBA.

2- Miami is the worst home-court in the NBA.

Stay tuned…


MLB Nostradamusing 2011

March 30, 2011

Smell that? Well, of course not. You can’t smell words typed on a screen within the internets. But, hypothetically, you can conjure the smell: that mix of freshly cut grass, grilled hot dogs, oiled leather and salty nuts (including the ones in need of a shower after you baked in the bleacher’s sun during a day game). Yes, it is finally,

God. Bless. America.

wonderfully, baseball season. More American than a pair of blue jeans and a stars and stripes bikini on Burke Burke, riding in a Ford pickup listening to Kenny Chesney eating McDonald’s outside the White House, baseball season isn’t just the first true sign that winter is over, but it is the hope of summer. With baseball comes bikinis, broads, beaches, BBQs, beer, (party) buses, Brooke Burke and, obviously, alliteration. All the best things in life. Without further ado, and because I ran out of awesome things that start with a “B”, besides Boston Red Sox, I give to you, my official 2011 MLB Preview.


Thankfully, Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac got robbed just days before I wrote this blog, or the only story I’d have to talk about is Alexi Ogando being involved in a human trafficking ring. Since they did get robbed, I actually have something to talk about. Basically, if I were writing the story, it goes something like: “CLEARWATER, FLA.- Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac know all about hard work. Bro’ing out hardcore in a mansion while playing Spring Training baseball, plowing through groupie slores away on spring break and balling out on the XBox sticks, whilst wearing insured watches and burning money can be an exhausting proposition for most. No ordinary human can fathom having to lock the aforementioned mansion’s door on top of all that. Well, in a real plot twist, all their cool stuff got stolen. Included are Price’s 50k watch collection, Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle, and Brignac’s 1976″ HOLD UP! Stop, Colt.

Fascist haircut.

Longoria’s AK-47 Russian issued assault rifle?! THE UFF?!” Yes. Apparently, Evan Longoria is the most anti-American mother-uffer in the MLB because dude straight up legally owns an AK-47, not an M-16. Wait, you’re surprised? You thought he rocked that faux-mullet-mohawk because he wasn’t an eastern European post-Soviet break-up insurgent preparing to waste anyone who dare attempt stealing his pricey American trinkets?! Oh, word.

Now back to that Alexi Ogando story, because, I shit you not, dude is a registered human trafficker (I feel like you have to register for such an offense, right?). Back in

Because that last picture of Evan didn't do it for you, the reader.

’05 (I don’t know how to type the “Aught” sound people are using for the 00’s, but read it like that, for fancy historical context) Ogando was minding his own business re-entering the United States, trying to get his pitch on, when federal agents were waiting for him. It seems, an inordinate amount of Latin players were marrying chicks who got denied US Visas (I couldn’t get a credit card for a while either) at the time. Ogando pleaded guilty to this crime, got arrested, and banned from US re-entry for five years. If you’re thinking: “Shit, that’s illegal?!” I’m right there with you. If this whole underemployment thing doesn’t keep working out for me, I planned to get some money/a wife this way. Just goes to show, the “human trafficking” world isn’t all about finding US-born virgins following U2 around in France, abducting them, getting them addicted to meth, and auctioning them off to Saudi Sheiks. That’s just the plot to Taken. Thankfully, it’s been five years, Ogando is pissed, and is just striking out Americans with fastballs from hell. He’s back to being a rich baseball player, a fifth starter in the Rangers rotation, an ace in my heart, and on my fantasy team, obviously. God Bless America. Again.


AL: Carl Crawford, Red Sox

Unfortunately for Carl, the Red Sox signed Darnell McDonald and his neck tattoos just before last season, or Carl Crawford would be the first Sox player to hold such an honor. Look, this isn’t the NBA, neck tats don’t just grow on Rule V drafts. Fortunately for the Red Sox, Crawford might be their most dynamic player, ever. By dynamic, I mean most freakishly athletic with all five of the tools that smart people say players have (six if you include neck tats as a tool). He will make a huge impact in the clubhouse (where rap music immediately moves up the locker room playlist), and on the field (where he’s just really good at baseball).

NL: Cliff Lee, Phillies

Uncle Cliffy gets absolutely no props for this one. While the Phillies made an amazing move acquiring the best pitcher in baseball via free agency, Lee made an amazingly whipped move of going back to an ex-girlfriend, er, team. While hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, apparently, Cliff Lee hath no problem with a team trading his ass and then going back to them once they begged. If you’re wondering how the “woman scorned” thing comes into play there, I’m not sure. But here’s a woman that has been scorned once or twice…

Oh hey, Jenn Sterger's ready for the baseball season!


AL- NY Yankees, Idle

“Idle hands end up doing work the Devil would do if he were in the Yankees front-officegoes the old saying. Sure enough, this off-season, the Yankees whiffed on every pitch they saw. Even when everyone penciled in Cliff Lee as their newest $100+ million man, nobody took into account the whole “When Cliff Lee faced the Yankees in the World Series, ignorant classless NY fans heckled his wife in the stands… Effect.” Ouch, brah.

NL- St. Louis Cardinals, Pujols Contract

When you have Albert Pujols under contract, and you own not only Anheuser-Busch, but also the St. Louis Cardinals, you “pay zee mon hees moniez”, as Teddy KGB would say in Rounders. Instead, the Cardinals balked at the concept that Pujols isn’t worth 30 million a year, and now, they get to duel with the Red Sox or Yankees this off-season to try to re-sign him. Thankfully, the Pujols distraction may not matter since Wainwright’s injury probably killed their season dead, anyway.

I'd still go to a Cards game without Albert there, if these chicks are... with Budweisers... just sayin'


AL: Felix Hernandez, Mariners (Again)

King Felix (I just Googled who King Felix actually was, you know, in history. Can’t find anything… so yeah, sweet nickname, brah) is just too good at throwing a baseball. Jon Lester is everyone’s pick this year, but just because the Sox offense got better doesn’t mean he’s not facing the Yankees, Blue Jays, Rays and even an improved Orioles lineup 76 times this year. Felix the Cat (much more recognizable nickname, I think), on the other glove, gets to face crappy AL West lineups like the Angels and A’s. CC Sabathia may have lost weight this off-season, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read that five consecutive years, and I think his innings and calories toll finally starts wearing him down into more of a tier-two pitcher.

NL: Roy Halladay, Phillies

Doc Halladay (I get this nickname, Doc Holliday was a famous gunfighter… if you didn’t get it) wins this award by default. I think Cliff Lee has a bit of a problem adjusting BACK to the NL, Josh Johnson would be my pick, but he has to face the Phillies and Braves and all their good pitchers/lineups far too often. Lincecum finally snaps his arm off at the rotator cuff, Wainwright is already out for the year, as previously mentioned, and Ubaldo Jimenez will regress from a season that still wasn’t enough to win this award last year. Plus, it’s not like Halladay isn’t amazingly consistent and gets to face the Mets a lot or anything.

Since that's the only time I'll mention the Mets in this blog, this Mets fan is dedicated to my friend, Bertie... I drink whiskey and talk baseball with him sometimes. America.


AL: Adrian Gonzalez, Red Sox

Dude got to leave the worst hitter’s park for Major Leaguers, but nicest place for normal humans to live, and come to a park tailor made for his swing. There’s this huge green wall in Boston that makes it easy for left-handed hitters, who use the opposite field, to get hits and home runs. A-Gon (I know there’s like 13 of these currently playing in the major leagues), I mean, Adrian Gonzalez, happens to be one of those perfect left-handed hitters. He also happens to be hitting behind Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia and Carl Crawford. Add it all up, add in gold-glove caliber defense, and you win my award for using a bat and glove the best.

NL: Albert Pujols- St. Louis Cardinals

There's just something about a girl in... knee pads...

Because he only loses this award when voters get tired of writing his name. In my opinion, those voters are probably racist and think he should Americanize his name to Pooholes. Well, this isn’t Ellis Island, bitches, and Pujols is still the best hitter alive and probably ever. Seriously, when it is all said and done, he may be the greatest player ever. Plus, he dated a chick with an Autistic son, married her, adopted the kid, and does more charity work than Mother Theresa in a down year (you know, when she was living and doing whatever charity work it was that she did?). I guess some other contenders are Hanley Ramirez, Prince Fielder and Carlos Gonzalez ::yawn::


Honestly, I’m not even making this prediction, because the award is kind of dumb, has almost no impact on the rest of the recipients career and almost always goes to a top prospect who gets called up during the season. Since I try to be perfect, or at least better than everyone else, I refuse to open myself up to ridicule. Gun to the head, though, AL goes to Rays pitcher Jeremy Hellickson, because he’s supposed to be real good. NL goes to Giants 1B Brandon Belt, because I read about him yesterday and he sounds real good, too. Here’s what I can predict: this next picture will be hot.

Yup, I was right.


Word count tells me I just hit 1,750. As a reward to those of you still reading, I’ll get right to the winner. San Francisco… will not win it again, this year. Sure, they’ve got nice pitching and all, but like I said, Lincecum is snapping his arm off this year, and their offense sucks… so, the Yankees… won’t even make the playoffs since I’m positive no more than 19 of their fans can name their #4 and #5 pitchers, and that includes AJ Burnett as their #3, which is gross (quick side note: back in college, a late night Red Sox/Yankees argument broke out between my best friend and Yankees fan, Angelo, and myself. In the heat of the drunken moment, I repeatedly asked him to name their #3 starter at the time. In his defense, they had a rash of injuries, and I’m not sure Brian Cashman knew the answer. Short story, long, we almost came to blows, but decided shotgunning a beer would be better. It was a great decision)… so, the Phillies… won’t win the World Series, because Atlanta will beat them in the NLCS thanks to a pitching staff that is nearly as deep and a lineup that is far deeper (particularly with Utley’s status in doubt). With Atlanta in the World Series, all that’s left is naming the AL champion… the Rangers… are not it, though, as they lose to the Red Sox in the ALCS because, well, they aren’t as good. Which leaves us with the World Series matchup of Red Sox vs. Braves, to be held in Fenway Park after the American League restarts their All-Star win streak.

So… the Red Sox win the 2011 World Series. Yes, as a diehard Red Sox fan this is biased. Yes, I’m sick even making this prediction. I don’t know why I’m not giving the Yankees a guaranteed jinx and picking them, but instead I’m giving this the reverse jinx. With Lester, Buchholz, Beckett, Lackey and Dice-K, nobody in the American League matches up 1-5 in the rotation. With a lineup that adds Crawford, Gonzalez and a healthy Pedroia and Youkilis, no lineup matches up in all of baseball. All joking aside, my honest opinion says it’s the Red Sox World Series to lose.

If you didn't like this blog... this is all I have to say.

Stay tuned…


Smorgasblog II: Four Loko, Tony Parker, Unfriend Day, Etc.

November 17, 2010

Smell that? It’s another wonderful buffet of steaming hot Smorgasblog! I just want to lead off today’s entry with a quick thank you to last Smorgasblog’s guide, the lovely Rosie Jones! Gracing the pixels of my

You have big... shoes to fill, Kristin.

blog is always a big thrill for the smoking hot women who have no idea this blog exists. But, for Rosie Jones, something magical has happened since she guided you through my last Smorgasblog. Some time last week, the Revolver started getting over 100 hits a day for no apparent reason. Upon further review, those hits were pouring in because for whatever reason, google is referencing the Revolver when people are googling “rosie jones.” The only explanation is that boobs are in fact the mystical power that the Fellowship of the Ring hoped to harness. In this upcoming part deux of Smorgasblog, Rosie has given way to the Maxim Hometown Hotties 2009 winner, Kristin Gustafson. With the 2010 winner being named soon, Kristin has only a couple months left as the ultimate Hometown Hottie, so giving her this honor may be the last good thing to ever happen in her life. Unless you consider marrying for money a good thing, in which case she will have absolutely no problem finding a rich silver fox who pops Levitra like skittles and smells like cedar, gold bond, and preparation H. In this Smorgasblog you will find commentary on Four Loko, Tony Parker and Unfriend Day.


Take it away, Kristin...

Dish #1: Four Loko

By now, you should have drank it. If you’ve drank it, you’ve loved it. If you’ve loved it too much, you’ve probably blacked out, and removed pieces of clothing en route. Along the way, you undoubtedly cultivated friendships with strangers at the bar, and possibly destroyed relationships that were built upon years of good memories, because you got on a karaoke mic, and outed a friend for cheating on his girlfriend with his hot neighbor from 3B. Unfortunately, all that amazingness is being strapped down and waterboarded by the same people who made Coca-Cola remove the actual cocaine from it… the FDA. Obviously, none of these people ever elected to drink Four Loko on their own and see how it makes them feel. With cautionary reviews of the drink spreading like lice at Woodstock, Four Loko has earned these phenomenal nicknames: “Blackout in a Can” “Liquid Cocaine” “Coke in a Can” “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” “Liquid Roofies” and my personal favorite “Stripper Mixed with Choir Girl Dipped in Paradise Riding a Rainbow Along the Crystal Coast of Bliss” (editor’s note: that last nickname won’t be found on google, until this gets posted to all the internets).

Exactly! Who wouldn’t want to drink that stuff! Well, university officials and state lawmakers, for two. In a maneuver that has become as American as apple pie, the government is once again making up the minds of its people by banning the drink in certain states. First, they decided you could die for the country at 18 but couldn’t drink liquor until 21, and now, when you are 21, you can’t drink a highly caffeinated alcoholic beverage because you might drink too much, and wake up naked in a snowstorm outside your front door with the keys in the doorknob. Thankfully, that last scenario didn’t actually happen to me. Oddly, it’s the first scenario I conjured up stream of consciously. The smorgasblog rolls on! Kristin…

Maxim gets girls shirts unbuttoned as much as Four Loko.

Dish #2: Tony Parker Cheats on Eva Longoria

Wait, you didn’t think a Belgian-born, French basketball player who works in San Antonio could marry a Mexican-American actress who works in Los Angeles, and everything wouldn’t work out? Oh wait, you’re right. Turns out, even though his name and ability to play basketball don’t make him seem French, Tony Parker is in fact le douche of le day. I’m not saying it takes a pathetic Frenchman to cheat on his wife (see: Woods, Tiger), but I am saying it takes a rare form of cold-blooded frog to do so with his teammates wife. Sure enough, after a bit of espionage, Tony was in fact rendezvousing with Erin Barry, the wife of his ex-teammate, Brent Barry (i’ve officially used every french-english word I know).  Sure, Erin’s a milf and all, but Tony really couldn’t keep it in his pants until Eva was done filming her crap TV show? Fortunately, since she’s made her name as a Desperate Housewife Eva should have no problem playing the role of desperate ex-wife, now that she is divorcing Tony. Personally, I always thought Eva could do better than a creepy looking Frenchman with a shaved head and weird scars all over it. Turns out, he always thought he could do better than a smoking hot latin woman who makes millions of dollars. Funny how that works. Kristin…

Kristin would never fall for a Frenchie.

Dish #3: Unfriend Day

Since you didn’t see it live on Jimmy Kimmel, because nobody watches his show, you may not have even read about it on the internet. However, today is apparently “Unfriend Day” on Facebook, in an interesting stunt by Kimmel to be funny. The concept is simple: go on Facebook and unfriend anybody who isn’t actually your friend. Naturally, I am against this day, because I have plenty of people I’m not actually “friends” with who I keep just to see their picture uploads after Halloween and Spring break. This concept is so flawed, I’m not surprised it originated from Kimmel, whose only contribution to the comedy world is the Entourage episode which culminates with Drama triumphantly announcing “Great F*@$ING NIGHT.”

Dish #4: Bill Nye the Science Guy

Any contemporary of mine remembers the amazing scientific feats performed by Bill Nye. We also remember that electro-pop intro music. He’s the first person to teach us how many pennies it takes to break a cup’s meniscus, or that lying on a bed of nails hurts less than lying on one nail due to surface area and pressure. But, In a recent lecture at USC on global warming, Bill Nye suddenly passed out. Unfortunately for Bill, the students in attendance elected not to go help him, but first updated their Facebook and Twitter accounts. When Nye came to he said he “felt like Lady Gaga.” I have no idea wtf that meant, but it doesn’t make it any less awesome. Just not as awesome as Kristin Gustafson.


Thanks for all your hard work in the Smorgasblog, Kristin!

Stay tuned…