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Smorgasblog: Obama Bro’ing Out! Sheen’s Power, Uncle Tom, Youtube Chick “Singers”

March 16, 2011

Porn stars, the president, Uncle Tom, and internet video sensations. Unfortunately, not all in one story, or we’d have the best blog ever, today. But, it’s still damn good, and even Rosie Jones would be proud. Too much awesome stuff to mix into one pre-determined hot girl as your presenter of today’s Smorgasblog, so I’m just going to let it flow and see what hotness can be conjured up… Enjoy. But first…

Oh, Rosie... so good to have you back in my internet space.

OBAMA JUST BRO-ING OUT LIKE IT’S HIS DAMN JOB!

Barack, I know I’ve been writing gold, but you need to chill out with this Revolver obsession. Mr. President has obviously been reading my last two blogs about Spring Break and March Madness. First, he’s on ESPN today making his NCAA picks with his brother from an American-born mother, Andy Katz. Showing his true political beliefs, Obama resorted to an often used tactic of his in the Illinois Senate as he simply voted “present” rather than taking a stand. Dude picked nothing but 1 seeds to make it to the Final Four. For the love of Allah, show a little backbone, Barry.

But, that’s not all Barack is doing to show his love for the Revolver. This weekend, he’s hopping a jet to Rio de Janiero to just shred it up with the finest hunnies in the world. Clearly, the Spring Break Survival Guide I wrote earlier this week got him too hot to just sit around being presidential. I mean, it’s not like Japan just exploded, the stock market has dropped, and Gadhafi is killing his own people in Libya and taking back power. To top it off, all White House events today are “closed press” except for a ceremony praising Obama’s “committment to transparent government.” Gotta love his style. Just spitting in the winds of adversity. Here’s some ass the president can expect down in Brazil.

Emanuela de Paula just melting keyboards and frying motherboards.

GRANT HILL GETS CALLED AN UNCLE TOM

By now, you probably read about the letter Grant Hill sent to the New York Times. Hill responded to an interview from Jalen Rose’s documentary on Michigan’s “Fab Five” basketball team, in which he and other black Duke players were referred to as “Uncle Toms.” If you haven’t, here’s an excerpt: “In his garbled but sweeping comment that Duke recruits only “black players that were ‘Uncle Toms,’ ” Jalen seems to change the usual meaning of those very vitriolic words into his own meaning, i.e., blacks from two-parent, middle-class families. He leaves us all guessing exactly what he believes today.”

First off, Grant: who responds via letter to the Times? Nowadays you fit that shit into 160 characters via Twitter. Your response should have read: “Jalen Rose iz str8 buggin. Coach K wuz 4eva bumpin Milez Daviz in practice. If dat makes me Unkle Tom, #itizwutitiz.” Next up, Grant, you’re trying to make it seem like Jalen Rose doesn’t know what he thinks about you, or what an Uncle Tom is. Quite the opposite, Grant. Jalen knew he was calling you a “bitch” who went to play for a white guy at a white school who generally only recruits white players. His words, not mine. By definition, that’s what made you an Uncle Tom in his eyes. Not the fact that you have two parents who work in a middle-class community. Why would THAT be a white thing? Nobody grows up with two parents in a middle-class environment these days. I thought Duke was supposed to be a good school? Don’t you know more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and 1% of Americans make up 90% of the countries wealth? The middle-class nuclear white family went out the window with pre-nups and 9/11. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

REBECCA BLACK KNOWS WHEN FRIDAY IS!!!

Effing Bieber! Dude created this whole new genre of music where his little tard chick fans think they can just make music on Youtube, and get famous so he’ll want to give them his purity ring or some crap. Biebers don’t just grow on trees, especially American ones. Is Rebecca Black shitting me? Do her friends think she is cool? There’s no way this video is serious, right? Just a bunch of 14 year-olds looking forward to Friday so they can “party”? This isn’t a 90210 episode, hunny. You and your gang aren’t robbing any liquor cabinets and dabbling in the booger sugar. At best, you’re chugging a Red Bull or two, playing “Truth or Dare” and buzzing off that caffeine while you send iChat videos to each others Facebook walls while sitting in the same room.

Really, I blame the parents here. At some point, your kid’s dreams have to get crushed. Simple fix to the cyber bullying their daughter should be enduring over this video would just be: “Darling, we know you want Justin’s purity ring, but your songs make as much sense as Helen Keller’s early work, and have the intellectual depth of a toddler’s soiled diaper.” Instead, this chicks rich-as-Satan parents decided to dump money into studio time, a freelance videographer, and whoever the old black dude is who dropped the hook that literally may have murdered Nate Dogg, today. What a sell-out. And Jalen Rose thinks Grant Hill is an “Uncle Tom.”

CHARLIE SHEEN’S EX IS BI-LOSING, OBVIOUSLY

Kacey Jordan, the porn star who joined Charlie Sheen in his epic January booze and cocaine bender that landed him in the hospital, may have attempted suicide. Jordan posted a series of suicidal tweets on Twitter Monday night from her Chicago hotel. “Those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen . . . messed me up . . . i can’t get that image out of my head . . . i think i keep trying to feel his pain,” she wrote.”I took a bunch of pills . . . drank a hotel size bottle of jack [Daniels whiskey],” she wrote in another tweet that sparked her followers to send cops to the Peninsula Hotel.

Classic porn star move. This is right out of the “Dirty Whore” book. Even when you’re a porn star, and you’re getting paid in Aston Martins by the Sheen to do drugs, have sex and be a rock star from Mars, there’s a certain code of conduct to follow. You don’t rat out the Sheen for his recent, now-epic drug binge. You had your sex, you got your car, now shut up and be gone. But no, you have to cling to greatness. Trying to ride those golden coattails into legitimate porn star status, because the only thing worse than being a porn star, is being a porn star no one had ever heard of. “Those 16 hours… really messed me up… I think i keep trying to feel his pain…” Seriously, toots?! Feel his pain? Charlie couldn’t feel pain even if he weren’t more numb than an icicle on novocaine due to decades of cocaine abuse, because he’s too busy winning! Now pick yourself up off that cold bathroom floor. Nobody is buying it.

This story just made me so angry I need some Rosie Jones…

... with an automatic rifle.

And that brings us to the end of yet another successful Smorgasblog! Who knew Rosie Jones would start and finish it? Okay, maybe we all did.

Stay tuned…



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