Archive for December, 2010

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Christmas Gifts to the NFL’s Biggest Stories

December 23, 2010

‘Tis the effing season, and I don’t care what denomination you are, I’m giving out Christmas gifts to the most relevant names in the NFL, today. I’m doing this on Christmas Eve’s Eve because immediately after this post, I will be clouded by Sam Winter Lager and spiked egg nog until the birth of sweet baby Jesus. If you’re a Jew and you’re reading this, just convert any of these “Christmas” gifts into a “Channukah” gift (but the big one on the last night that Jews use to keep their kids as happy as Christians). If you’re an atheist and you’re reading this, you probably won’t believe me, either. If you’re an agnostic and you’re reading this, you won’t have any opinion on the blog anyway, so nobody cares. Before I get to the athletes gifts, here’s one for all you devoted readers…

 

Alice "Christmas Eve-Eve" Eve

REX RYAN:

THE STORY: When news broke about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish, it almost seemed too insanely awesome to believe. If you haven’t heard yet, Rex and his wife have been tabbed as the couple who created the “famous” Youtube videos for username: Ihaveprettyfeet. They are undeniably the creepiest videos ever, but since I like normal hot-girl-things, like breasts and butts, I can’t tell you where they reside on the “foot-fetish creepy” 1-10 scale. I’m guessing somewhere along the lines of a 3. Basically, sexy Rexy’s wife lounges with her feet prominently displayed while he roleplays with her a little before rubbing/smelling her pedi-digits. Somewhere in a dimly lit room, sinisterly aglow by the light of his laptop, Bill Belichick is smirking at this story. Hard. But not as hard as Rex whilst sniffing feet.

THE GIFT: A GODDAMN SNACK! About the only thing that could make Rex forget about feet in a time like this. (Language NSFW- but who works these days?)

BRETT FAVRE:

THE STORY: I’ve already covered his sexting scandal with that pile of hotness, Jenn Sterger, and since nothing makes me more mad than Brett Favre coverage on ESPN, I’ll keep this short. Last Monday, when Favre played with an injured shoulder that originally ruled him “OUT” for the week, ESPN was hard like a dog in heat, since they televise Monday Night Football. On the second drive of the game, Favre got swallowed whole by an enormous, irrelevant Bears D-lineman. Slammed into the freezing, icy turf Favre remained huddled in a concussed heap. The next morning, my dad commented to me: “I hope that’s how the guy goes down in history… ignominiously.” After you looked up the word, you get what he meant now. Good work, Dad. Agreed.

THE GIFT: Time Machine– This way, some of us could remember Brett when he was good and… nominious? Wait, the red squiggly lines told me that’s not the opposite of ignominious. One second… “glorious” works. But not quite this glorious…

One thing Brett's 3rd Retirement Brought Us: Jenn Sterger Back in our Google Image Search

ELI MANNING:

THE STORY:After one of the greatest collapses in NFL history by the New York Giants, Eli showed up for his post-game press conference. Normally, you might think the quarterback who choreographed a 21 point choke job in the final 8 minutes of a game would have lots of people asking questions. Until you realize that Eli Manning has the personality of a baked potato, and this happened…

Trent Dilfer effing NAILED his analysis: “Dude comes up with a backpack on, straight out of study hall…” Who knew Trent could write for the Revolver?! Anyway, let’s figure out what we can give Eli…

THE GIFT: A Personality (i.e. Twitter account)– Any time you get to give an inanimate gift to a human being who may as well be inanimate, it’s a good thing. Unfortunately, it’s safe to assume Santa really hates these requests. How does one get a personality?! TWITTER! Eli is all rich and shit. I mean Forbes can’t even quantify how much his endorsement deal with the Citizen Eco Drive is. He can definitely pay a gremlin to maintain his twitter. I envision tweet wars between him and @OchoCinco now. Pretty soon, Eli could be giving away Trick Daddy’s lime green impala (true story, Ocho is doing this), and getting some actual professionals to roll up to his post-games. Adam Schefter isn’t trying to break real news, Eli, he just wants to get his tweet game on.

MICHAEL VICK

THE STORY: He tied and gagged Eli’s team in the historic 21-point come-from-behind win with 8 minutes left, then had his way with them using a shake weight. Now, he is making a serious run at the MVP. It’s odd that in a section under Michael Vick’s name entitled “The Story” I’m not talking about the brutal pitbull genocides committed on Vick’s grounds and under his watch, which led to his imprisonment. But that’s how well he’s playing quarterback. Vick is doing it with lots of talent around him, as evidenced by now-backup, Kevin Kolb’s two wins in three starts during a Vick mid-season injury. Unfortunately, he needs one more thing before he actually wins the MVP.

THE GIFT: Men In Black Mind Eraser Laser– Sorry, Mike, but people can’t actually forget this soon. I mean, we’ve all seen what those dogs who actually lived were left looking like. It looked like Hollywood CGI’d scars and holes and removed ears, only it actually happened. Maybe next year, voters can look past it, but you’re not even playing as well as this next guy, so you don’t deserve the MVP anyway.

It’s time for a picture, and since Vick’s dogs are grotesque looking, here’s the exact opposite…

Does this really need a caption? Use your imagination. Oh yeah, that's Vida Guerra, in case you wanted to google or something?

TOM BRADY

THE STORY: Tom Brady is doing stuff that has never been seen on a football field before. Weeks ago, Steve Young was a legitimate pool of man crush trying to analyze Brady’s quarterback play. Somewhere along his rambling blubbering rant, Young called Brady an artist, and basically said he’s running the West Coast so well, it would give the offense’s creator, Bill Walsh, a wet dream that only Rose O’Donnell could eff up. Brady has thrown 292 consecutive passes without a pick. In that span of eight weeks, he has thrown 21 touchdowns. Best of all, he’s doing all this with a receiving corps consisting of: two rookie tight ends, two undrafted runnings backs, an undrafted leading receiver (Wes Welker) and a washed-up old vet who now looks unbelieveable thanks to Brady (Deion Branch). Oh yeah, and the Patriots have the best record in the NFL with Brady, as opposed to maybe being .500 without him.

THE GIFT: https://coltsrevolver.wordpress.com Honestly, what do you give perfection? The perfect blog to read about your perfection. Brady has three super bowl rings (and maybe four), an MVP (and maybe two), Gisele (and Bridget Moynahan), millions of dollars, a chin dimple and he’s now the face of UGG Men’s. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

WRAP UP: Well, there you have it. The five biggest names in the NFL leading up to Christmas, and they’ve all received what their hearts most require. Except Rex Ryan, he just wants to sniff feet. Maybe hers, but not because he’s attracted to anything but her pinky toe…

Allesandra Ambrosio requires Christmas gifts I could never give her.

Stay tuned…

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Shut Up, Yankees Fans… The Red Sox are Still Poorer

December 9, 2010

Today, I am overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons. First, whenever you’re out at a bar celebrating a friends birthday by getting him belligerent you had a good night. When friends are texting you with “Carl Crawford to the Red Sox” rumors, you think you’re just drunk. Then, the bar’s flat screens are showing ESPN breaking news reports for the deal being true. Suddenly, you’re having a GREAT night and buying a round of those awful shots the smoking hot chick is pushing. You know, the girl who is at a bar running around with that tray of fruity liquor in shot glasses smaller than mouthwash servings, and charging five bucks a shot? Yes. Her.  My exact quote to a friend last night was, “Eff it, if John Henry is willing to give Carl Crawford 142 million, I’m willing to spend 100 bucks on liquor tonight.” What up 0% interest credit card!

You see, ever since John Henry bought the Red Sox with that guy who produced the Cosby’s and parlayed Katie Couric for a while (Tom

Manny.

Werner), the Red Sox have been weird. Before them, Dan Duquette was running around trying to keep up with the Yankees, every single off-season and it half-worked. Then Duquette got fired, Henry took over, called the Yankees the “Evil Empire” and boy wonder, Theo, started doling out contracts. The Red Sox haven’t had a meaningful big-name free agent acquisition since Duquette signed Manny in 2000. I wrote about that here: https://coltsrevolver.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/170-million-reasons-theo-epstein-messed-up-really-bad/

Now, within a week, the Red Sox have acquired the two most desirable players on the market, and are giving each 140+ million dollar contracts. Remember last paragraph when I said I was overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons, but only gave one? Don’t worry. Here’s reason number two. Logging into Facebook this morning, I was greeted by a wonderful personal message requesting a Revolver blog about the Sox recent activity at the Winter Meetings. This long-time fan of the Revolver said:

“So last night when the Sox reportedly signed Crawford and obviously after already getting Gonzalez, my brother text me and of course said; how do you defend yourselves now when you are becoming the yankees? Obviously a loaded question but it is true for me (and I think my red sox fans) that the yankees have always been the evil empire making the huge free agency moves. How do we justify?”

He went on to request analogies to hot women, which will obviously be obliged (although I question his use of “women” I digress). First, let me easily rip this lame Yankees fan idea that we have joined the Evil Empire like it’s the cheap toilet paper I used in college dorms. Today, I’ll be employing the classic three-prong approach the Allies used against those damn Nazi(Yankee)s.While also using hot women analogies like my friend requested. Here’s a hot woman. No analogy necessary.

Google: "Hot Woman" Get: Ingrid Vandenbosch

ATTACK #1: “It’s a Business, Man” -Jay Z

Even Hov, who is a Yankees fan, knows this is business. In any form of competition, having a trendsetter forces others to keep up, or die off. It may sound Darwinian, but consider the Baltimore Orioles the Pterodactyls. They have never been able to adapt to the current baseball culture, even with a beautiful ballpark, and a team that had Cal Ripken into the 2000s. Now, they are the perennial bottom-feeders of the AL East with no further hope on the horizon. They are extinct. Why? Because the Yankees set a trend by signing the most expensive players in baseball. Of the 23, 100,000,000 million dollar contracts in baseball history, the Yankees have paid 8 of those players for all or part of those deals (they traded for and subsequently took on the back halves of A Rod and Kevin Brown’s original deals).

Calm down retarded Yankees fan. You’re probably thinking “Yeah, but, but, like… 27 F#*KING RINGS! WE GOT THE MONEY AND WE SPEND IT BABY” and you’d only be half-retarded. To complete the retardation, you’d e-mail your brother, who happens to be a Revolver reader and open yourself up to getting owned right now. The Red Sox during that span have signed 2 of those 23 contracts (1 is pending with Adrian Gonzalez’ extension). In that same span, the Yankees have won 1 World Series, the Red Sox have won two. The Yankees are porn star hot. The Red Sox are girl-next door hot. Here.

Yankees: Sure, she's hot, but she's fake, expensive and a dirty, filthy, pig.

Red Sox: Yes, she actually played "The Girl Next Door"

ATTACK #2: “Patience is a Virtue” -Unknown Proverb

So I googled “who said patience is a virtue” and obviously got my favorite author. Unknown. Man, that guy has come up with some good shit over the years. Anyway, his thing about patience rings true for the Red Sox this off-season. Just like I wrote about that $170 million dollar “bridge to 2011” that Theo built, it’s time to pay some respect to his plan. Theo traded for his man to play first base over the next 7 or 8 years and dent the hell  out of the Monster, in A Gon. Then, he got the best free-agent not named “Cliff Lee” to rope triples into the 420 triangle and around the tricky right field at Fenway, in Carl Crawford. It just took waiting an entire year. A year in which the Yankees got older, more expensive, and didn’t win a World Series. These Yankees are like Sarah Jessica Parker. And to quote Peter Griffin, “she looks like a foot.” These Red Sox now resemble Kylie Bisutti, the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Model Search winner. A fresh, hot piece of woman, who would never be compared to looking like a foot. Here.

Yankees: Tired, Older, Foot-like.

Red Sox: Young, Talented, Sex-like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTACK #3: “It’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business” -Michael Corleone

“Wait, you already told us this is a business move, Colt.” I know. And as much as I hate when over-paid athletes cover up their selfish decisions which are strictly financial  by saying “Man, this is a business. You gotta do what’s best for your family. Gotta put bread on the table.” For the Boston Red Sox, it rings true. You cannot compete with the Yankees if you don’t have a plan, and the money to execute it. Any team in baseball can do it, they just need to get fans in the seats. Fenway Park holds the record for consecutive sellouts in Major League Baseball history. Fans come out to see a great team with a chance to win. They did that in the 1990’s when Pedro Martinez single-handedly packed a stadium searching for its first title since 1918. That’s what enabled the team to have the revenue to compete with the Yankees.

Yankees fans can thank George Steinbrenner for a lot of things. He brought them four World Series in his tenure. He cemented their legacy as the most successful sports franchise in the world. But, he also set a precedent for spending money. In a way, it took George to get the Red Sox over “The Curse.” Always falling just a bit short, the Red Sox were finally forced to keep up, or die off completely. They kept up. They’ve won two World Series in the past six years. Unfortunately for Yankees fans, the Red Sox have not only kept up, they’ve also surpassed the Yankees. At least until the Yanks sign their 9th player to ever get a $100 million contract. Cliff Lee is waiting. The 2011 season should be fun. Almost as much fun as this would be.

Jamie Gunns: I doubt that's her real name, but I really don't care.

Stay Tuned…

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Rex Ryan Swallows Bill Belichick’s Rings, Whole.

December 7, 2010

If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t been watching the Bill Belichick era of the New England Patriots. If you thought the Jets may hang around last night, you haven’t been watching. If you thought this game would resemble anything close to the first meeting in September, you haven’t been watching. If you thought Mark Sanchez’s status as a sex symbol could ever rival that of Tom Brady’s, you must be Mexican. In what can only be described as football genocide, the New England Patriots went out last night and disgraced the New York Jets worse than the high school offensive line holding down the freshman kicker and forcing phallic objects inside of him. Rex Ryan may be the NFL’s coaching jester, but Bill Belichick is still royalty.

This all started two years ago, when the Jets named Ryan their new head coach. During Ryan’s first press conference, he announced that he wasn’t going to kiss Belichick’s rings. Since then, the New York and national

When you need suspenders, you've eaten too much over multiple decades.

media have developed a weird crush on a fat ugly guy with what appear to be false teeth, but could just have Mormon lineage. Since then, Ryan has basically been a buffoon of Chris Farley’s ilk, yucking, guffawing and even wearing costumes and wigs to make fun of his own brother during press conferences. Along the way, he has taken repeated shots at the enormous, three-time championship winning dynasty of an elephant in his division. His most recent comment leading up to the Monday Night Genocide read: “I came here to win. As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that’s the truth. That’s just the way it is.”

In classic Belichick fashion, he didn’t take the reporters bait, but instead made everyone else in the room feel inferior. Sort of like every other coach in the league. “That’s what we’re here for. Is that a news story? Is that something you didn’t know? Patriots and Jets want to win the game? I’m not surprised that they expect to win the game, they’re confident, so are we,” Belichick responded with the wryest of smiles. As soon as that press conference aired, I knew the game was a lock. What I didn’t know is how ugly things would get for the Jets.

All you needed to know about Ryan’s strategy last night, and confidence in his team, could be seen on the Jets opening drive. On 3rd and 1 after a failed sneak by Sanchez, Ryan challenged the spot that seemed to be clearly short. After losing the challenge bringing up 4th and 1, the Jets went for it inside their own territory. Sure, they picked it up, but that is not how a confident team plays in the NFL. They punt, pin the opponent back and let their defense (which Rex calls the best greatest most amazing defense, probably, of all-time: past, present and future) do their jobs. After a hooked field goal that didn’t reach the uprights, Tom Brady took over and engineered a 4th and 3 slant to Deion Branch that put the Patriots up 10-0. Not only did they never look back, the Patriots stepped on the gas and headed for the border (which is where Sanchez should have gone to avoid this abortion).

 

Tehehehe. Too soon?

When it was all over, the Patriots won 45-3. It felt more like 450-3. Brady amassed 326 yards, 4tds, obviously 0 picks, and one more virtuoso performance against a team that pissed him and his coach off. Mark Sanchez looked like a virgin at a Vivid shoot, throwing up a 0 TD, 3 INT game. But don’t think I’m just being tough on Sanchez, because from top to bottom, the Jets resembled the sisters of the poor. Even their first punt of the night was a shank job that went about 12 yards, which if you weren’t sure, isn’t good.

The best Jets player last night is actually a Patriot. Danny Woodhead went through training camp with the Jets until they decided he wasn’t good enough to play for them. Too small. Not strong enough. Perfect for Bill Belichick. All Woodhead did was lead the Patriots in receiving yards against his old team with 104. Amongst all the huge physical specimens on the Jets roster, a 5’7” white boy from division II Chadron St. in Nebraska made them all look foolish. It was like watching a bear try to hug a mouse every time Woodhead ran with the ball. You can imagine Belichick broke out that wry smile more than once last night.

This is the sight that has millions of males across New England wishing they could get some Woodhead.

If you’re looking for good news as a Jets fan, you can find solace in the fact that you won’t have to play New England until next season. This team has struggled for weeks, “finding ways to win” against weak opponents that should probably more accurately be described as “having a horseshoe up their sphincter.” This Jets team doesn’t rush the passer, they give up a lot of yards, and their Quarterback is still wet behind the ears (that’s not a Mexican joke, it’s an age joke). None of that wins in December and January.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are only getting better week-to-week. Their defense which ranked last in most yardage statistics coming into last night is starting to gel. They are young, but they make big plays, and the Patriots rarely lose a turnover battle (thanks to Brady, and the fact that Benjarvus Green-Ellis has still yet to fumble in his NFL career). The offense is clicking on all cylinders now that Brady and the Pats are back to playing midget-ball sans Randy Moss. The aformentioned Green-Ellis and Woodhead have actually turned into arguably the most successful two-back tandem in the league (seriously?! Yes).

After last night, It's official, the hair is gorgeous.

If that’s not enough, there’s always that one kicker in the Patriots hand. Bill Belichick. Love him or hate him, he always gets seems to get the last smirk.

Oh yeah, here’s Marissa Miller. The only girl worthy of the Patriots performance last night.

Just give me the Woodhead!

Stay Tuned…