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Spring Break Survival Guide

March 14, 2011

Last week, I put my body through its yearly physical fitness test, known as “Spring Break.” Used to be, back in the day, this test was given during gym class and known as the “Presidential Physical Fitness Award.” All us alpha male gym class heroes banged out 30 push-ups and 60 sit-ups a minute, ran a sub 7 min. mile, and stretched 5” past our toes, en route to getting a monogrammed certificate from “William Clinton.” Meanwhile the chubby kids huffed and puffed their way to athletic ineptitude. In today’s political correct world of “playing for fun” and “hugs show emotion” I doubt this test even exists anymore. But, for my generation it can still exist in the form of Spring Break. If you’re thinking, “does this blog only apply to collegians?” then you’re obviously sorely mistaken. I maintain that as long as you refer to portions of the year as “semesters” and openly embrace winter, summer and Spring Break, then this mindset can last until you’re at least 32 (or weigh over 215 lbs for a 5’10” classic American male).

Basically, as long as you’re awesome enough to keep making epic plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while, rage out until odd hours of the morning, and rally to hit a beach with a cooler full of Bud Light smoothies later that morning, you’re awesome enough to Spring Break. However, this is not for the faint of heart. I myself have literally seen a friend’s heart faint during a Spring Break, as he hit the floor in a blacked-out loss of consciousness upon waking up one morning because of the toll his body had been put through the day before. So, I decided to write a Spring Break Survival Guide with five simple tips to all those who are still in the midst of their own personal breaks. Here’s a classic Spring Break photo to get everyone in the mood…

Like I said, CLASSIC.

#1: JUST SAY YES- For every great Spring Break that happens, there’s an opposing, droopy eyed armless child of a trip that never was. In nearly 96% of these poor bastards of trips, it is because too many bros simply dragged their feet. “Uhh let me make sure I’ve got the money,” “I don’t know, is it really THAT fun?” and “My family may be planning something that week” are all classic forms of the root of the problem: some friends are just semi-lame. Not everyone’s constitution is capable of handling a proper Spring Break. There’s no need to heckle said friends, just make your moves, and know that whoever ends up sacking up for the trip, even if they aren’t your BEST bro, will be thoroughly invested. Think of it like this. Would you want a hot stuck-up girl, who is ultimately a bad prom date, to say yes? No. You’d want the cool, marginally less hot girl who actually eats her meal, and then dances with her heels off and her skirt hiked up the whole damn night, to say yes.

#2: SUBWAY SAVES LIVES- Since you’re not a chick who cares about going to some nice dinner with her chick friends all dolled up , you don’t need to waste money on actual sustenance that could go towards alcohol. You’re not gonna sit at some fancy restaurant crushing sushi, sipping wine and asking the waiter to take your picture, you’re going to grab a footlong meatball sub, tote the bag back to your hotel, nom the living hell out of it and maybe wash it down with a shotgunned beer or three. Put it this way, girls will be drinking for free every night this trip while you try to drink enough liquid courage into your body to rub your denim all over their sundress, so save the cash.

Aside from the money, we both know you’ve shrunk your stomach to rare proportions with your Britney Spears crash diet and steady dose of Perfect Pushups in the week leading up to spring break. Contrary to popular belief, your body actually needs food to function properly, no matter how many beer smoothies you’ve nuked over the course of your beach day. The buddy system works well here. Often, you may be so drunk that you simply forget to eat. If you have a friend and consistently remind each other when your last meal was, that should work. Or, if you just buy a footlong every time you pass a Subway, that’s also a solid rule of thumb.

Here’s just another great picture of what to expect on Spring Break…

Yep. Spring Break babyyyy!!!

#3: Take a Half an Hour Nap– Kanye isn’t messing around when he says he’s “fresh for the club I just took a half an hour nap.” When you’re going to bed at 6am, and waking up before 11am to hit the beach, you’re most likely going to need a quality power nap to make it through your fourth straight night of this schedule. Outside of pure liquid cocaine, the power nap is clinically proven to allow for optimum recklessness during spring break late night hours. These “naps” may be more like utter unconsciousness, but if your friend has slipped into one of these beer-induced midday comas, just check for a pulse, then let him be. Sure enough, his body will realize it’s been over 28 minutes since his last beer and it should shake his core. Just make sure after getting ass-pounded by an 85 degree sun all day, you are rested for the night ahead, or you could pass out in the VIP couches. Never a good look.

#4: Plan to Unplan- Sure, you may want to map out the night. Like when the cheap option is to crash at your cousins place in Coral Gables and do the local scene there, rather than drive into South Beach for the night. But as sure as you will make that plan, the Greek God of Break may have other ideas. Perhaps a group of girls from your buddies law school will offer up their hotel room floor (or bed if you play your cards right) with an ocean front view… then what?! Exactly. You just unplanned that tame night in the ‘burbs with C class strippers and cheap vodka, and upgraded to a first-class night of semi-professional co-ed dancing at one of the monster clubs in the center of the spring break insaniverse. Maybe you even saw a few ambitious girls getting helped up onto poles in the middle of the club and shwinding down to the best of their vodka-soda fueled bodies.

#5 Never Check Your Bank Balance- Unless you are trying to travel to the fifth or sixth circle of Dante’s Inferno in the midst of what should be one of the best times of your life, keep the laptop/iphone app closed. What good can come of this? You have the rest of your life to worry about the 80 dollars you dropped on a round of Maker’s on the rocks. You’re not getting buried with what’s in your bank account, so don’t bring down the group by bitching.

Bonus: Dance Like Nobody’s Watching- Or whatever lame quote it is that chicks put on their apartment walls (PS- If I see one more “Live Love Laugh” plaque/frame/wood cut out, by the way, I’m ripping it from the wall, and decapitating myself with it. Seriously, girls, is it so hard to be original?”). I’m just kidding about this one, I just wanted to get that part in about girl’s unoriginality. But, if the opportunity presents itself to get in the middle of a dance circle and have a Dougie-off with somebody, you obviously should not pass that up.

Or, if you happen to be a girl who actually reads this... join one of these...

Since this blog started discussing Presidents, I would like to end it the same way. Obviously, with the power of Spring Break comes great responsibility. So while I will limit my tips, there are undoubtedly countless other things you should do to make it awesome. But that’s the beauty of it, finding out those unknown bits of life’s unspeakable that is unique for every person’s experience. Since I started this conclusion with an axiom of John F. Kennedy, the president who obviously would have enjoyed a Spring Break more than any other (banging seven gram rocks, as well as Marilyn Monroe), I will end with his wise words as well. Ask not what Spring Break can do on you, ask what you can do on Spring Break. Hopefully, you’re able to recover within the week upon landing back home. If so, you’re a better person than me.

Stay tuned…

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