The United Chile of America: Miracle at the Mine

October 14, 2010

They’re all safe! Yesterday, a billion people and I watched a bunch of dirty dudes with dirtier mustaches climb out of a tiny hole. 70 days ago, I read a story about the Chilean mine that collapsed and trapped 33 men more than 2,000 feet under a desert were they were thought to be dead. My first thought after typing that sentence is, “desert spelled with one s, because you don’t go back for seconds, it’s not ice cream or cake!” My second thought is, “how in the name of Minka Kelly’s holy body are these dudes alive?!” Sure enough, the mainstream media told me and those billion people that they are alive because Chile’s government is AWESOMEEE with all caps! You guessed it, welcome to my first politically-charged blog post.  But first… Minka…

Yeah, she's been named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive... so you should probably google her!

You see, Chile has been lauded by all the pundits since they “asked for help from anyone who would give it” in an effort to save these guys. Must be nice. When a disaster happens in the U-S of effin A, nobody flinches. Sure, England and Canada and some of the other white guys who speak funny types of English give us the obligatory “aid,” but at the end of the day, we’re on our own. Would I want it any other way? Absolutely not.

Actual depiction of Chilean Space Program.

Would Chile? Absolutely. Do we really need to applaud a country that has contributed very little to the rest of the world (not even CHILI! Their namesake)? What did these people expect the Chilean government to do? Consult their own non-existent space program? Have their own imaginary rocket scientists create a dietary plan that would keep these hombres alive? Use their own stone-age technology to create the drill bit that would dig the retrieval tunnel? Have their own highly skilled drill-man be the muchacho who guided the drill half a mile into this potential tomb? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Obviously, you know who did all of those things for Chile. There’s the Pennsylvania company that had the specialty drill (which used hammering and air-removal rather than a corkscrew drill process, that risked burying these men) within two days of the original collapse. There’s the Kansas company that devised the plan to retrieve the men. There’s the one-ton, 21” wide pod NASA created to bring these guys up. There’s the American, specialty drillman, brought in from a mission in Afghanistan to conduct the drilling itself. So naturally, after all of this, people had to bash the United States for not being able to respond quickly enough to Hurricane Katrina, or the BP Oil Spill. Let’s briefly compare the three:

Hurricane Katrina: Massive hurricane that has rarely been seen before thrashes an entire region of one of the most populated countries on earth. People die. People are hungry. Millions go homeless. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Inept fools!

BP Oil Spill: Massive oil spill that has rarely been seen before leaves a pipe gushing oil over a mile underwater. US Government doesn’t know how to fix this immediately. Ignorant idiots!

San Jose Mine Collapse: 33 Guys are trapped in a hole underground. We know where they are. We are able to keep them alive with food. We need to figure out how to dig a hole and get them. US essentially figures out how. Chile is genius.

That’s right, we walked on the freaking Moon! Do we really need to measure manhood with Chile??

Clearly, there’s a double-standard here. I don’t need to go on. But I will, because another awesome thing came about. Normally, watching a bunch of guys who look exactly alike come out of a hole one-by-one, an hour at a time, isn’t great television. In this case, it was oddly mesmerizing. Along the way, some amazing stories came out of the woodwork about America saving these hombres from humble backgrounds. Here are my favorites:

Edison Pena: “The fittest of all the miners” according to one report, he ran 10 kilometers a day. Now, since I’m American I don’t know WTF a kilometer is, but it must be a lot since it made him the most fit of all these dudes. Seems kind of counter-intuitive to run an ass-ton every day while trying to survive in an 85 degree hole for over two months, but I digress. Edison also claims Elvis kept him alive when helpers were able to send down some of “The Kings”greatest tracks. He earned himself an all-expense paid trip to Graceland! Guess where Elvis is from, bitches?!

Mario Sepulveda: Did his best Terrell Owens impression upon reaching land. Running


around, pumping up the crowd and high-fiving anything with a hand. All that was missing in his celebration dance was a sharpie being pulled from his sock and signing one of the onlooking, obese Chilean women’s breasts, followed by a 15-yard excessive celebration penalty from Ed Hochuli. You cannot tell me Mario hasn’t been inspired by “the land of the free” with his ostentatious display of grandeur. After all, no one does ostentatious displays of grandeur better than us. Can you say, “Fourth of July!?”

Esteban Rojas: This poor sap actually proposed to his wife before going to work on the mine, only to have her answer, “No, why?” Umm, I don’t know, to profess undying love and a bond through all of eternity? Anyway, once he got trapped underground, and she found out a rescue mission was underway, SHE DECIDED TO SAY YES! If you can find me anything more American than a gold-digging bitch toying with a vulnerable man, I’ll eat a crepe and wear a fedora.

CRAP! I FOUND SOMETHING! Oh wait, you didn’t find it, so I don’t have to do any of that flaming Euro garbage I just mentioned.

Yonni Barrios: The true definition of a man with American values, this crazy bastard invited both his wife AND his mistress to greet him upon leaving the mine. The wife said she had too much pride to show up knowing he invited his bang-on-the-side. Thankfully, the mistress was there, in all her beautiful obesity. So Yonni went 1-2 with a double. As so often happens in our great country, the sidepiece proves more loyal than the main squeeze. If Yonni’s not as American as apple pie… I don’t know what is.

Speaking of pie. Did anyone notice the size of every Chilean woman looking on in the crowd? Can we get a recount on the most obese country? Literally not one Chilean woman would be able to shop anywhere in the USA besides Lane Bryant and the maternity ward. Apparently, all the talent in South America ended up in Brazil. The rest of the continent is filled with chubbos who pound rice, beans and beef for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Due to a self-imposed ban on ugly chicks showing up on my blog... I give you Gisele, in all her oiled up glory.

After reading this blog, you’re probably not sure how to feel. I asked my sister if I should blog about Chile today and she gave me the “out of toilet paper” look and questioned whether it was too soon. Obviously, upon observing her initial reaction, I had to do it. Nothing bad happened. This meant it was open season on making fun of Chilean porn stashes and the gargantuan women they so easily seduce. Just know one thing, the “miracle at the mine” was only made possible because of one thing: a drill stamped MADE IN THE USA.





  1. Excellent and Epic. One of the most entertaining reads for me in a long time. 🙂

  2. As the sister who thought it may be “too soon,” it isn’t and this was amazing! You are right . . . nothing bad happened and it is worth shedding some Pro-American light on the situation that every other country seems to just take for granted! Well done lil bro!

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