Posts Tagged ‘Steve Jobs’


41 Men More Influential than Tom Brady: Impossible

October 19, 2011

When Gisele picks you, it's tough to top.

This week, unveiled their latest list of the “50 Most Influential Men of 2011,” and the publication basically blasphemed all over the place.  All the usual suspects are there: Jobs, Obama, Zuckerberg, Clooney et al. Obviously, Tom Brady is on the list because he’s in a rarified air reserved for the likes of DaVinci, Galileo, Franklin, Einstein and Moses. The real indignation isn’t that Brady is somehow 41 spots below #1, because it’s possible 41 saints and Greek gods are ahead of him. Where loses all its credibility is when you dissect some of the men ranked ahead of Brady. The top four are: Steve Jobs, Seal Team Six, Larry Page of Google, and Warren Buffett. I guess some arguments could be made for these computer geeks, economic genius’ and skilled assassins, but Tom still easily defeats them.  Here are just ten of the men ranked ahead of Tom that make less sense than Helen Keller playing Scrabble.

#7 Prince William: Actually one of the least influential on this list. Dude doesn’t have a discernible skill aside from losing his hair at an oddly early age. Rumors persist that this is why Tom Brady grew his hair long, to get some plugs. Whether that’s true or not, it’s just another example of why he’s more influential than Prince William. Dude dissected the problem and solved it.  Seriously though, does it get more uninfluential than being the “guy in line to be the guy in line to be the king of a country that no longer is ruled by a monarchy?”

#8 Anonymous, hacking group that promotes “civil disobedience”  on the web: I don’t even know what this one means. Like, is “Anonymous” the groups name? Or are they so sneaky and covert that they don’t even have a name, just an unwritten hacking stroke deep in a systems mainframe. Aside from being nameless and faceless, and thus, not Tom Brady, I haven’t heard one thing these guys have done besides give my PC from ’98 the Trojan Horse virus. That shit was pretty fucked up though. Fried a motherboard like Colonel Sanders.

#9 Ryan Gosling: Canadian Actor- Homie trails Brady in so many regards it’s not even funny, the least of which is Americanness. This Candian born actor is best known for his role in “The Notebook.” Sure, that movie might have revolutionized the dating game, and made it cool for bros all over to include it in their favorite movies section on facebook (this bro, included), but ultimately, it’s a crappy chick flick. To further weaken his cause, I just googled “Ryan Gosling girlfriend” and the top story is from 2010 about  how he is finally ready to move on from his ex, Rachel McAdams.  If you’re an influential man, I should be able to google your girlfriend and be wading through an internet cesspool of chicks linked to you. Google “Tom Brady girlfriend” and you get a story about him marrying Gisele. Boom. Dripping in influence.

#12 Jon Stewart- Daily Show Host/Comedian: Let me get this straight. The guy who isn’t even the most influential fake-news studio host on Comedy Central is supposedly more influential than Tom Brady. This scenario highlights the lack credibility in this list. Stewart has long been the least funny of of the nightly news duo, as Colbert consistently kills it while Stewart fishes for laughs with his annoying shrieks. Put it this way, would the jester ever be considered more influential than the King? Then how can a comedian be more influential than a quarterback? Varsity quarterbacks got girls in high school, class clowns played Dungeons and Dragons.

#13 Andrew Mason: CEO of Groupon– AskMen definitely didn’t do their research on this one. First off, Groupon doesn’t even work for businesses. People get your shit for cheap, once, then move on to the next place that will give them shit for cheap. So on and so forth. No buyer resiliency is seen. This business model is failing faster than an Obama stimulus package, and Andrew Mason should have gotten out while he could make billions and buy sports teams. Anyone remember how Mark Cuban made his money? Me either, but Yahoo gave him a couple billion for it at the time. Maybe if this dude owned the team Tom Brady played quarterback for, he’d be more influential.

 #21 Barack Obama- President, United States of America: Didn’t the country get downgraded? Doesn’t that mean the President of America is like, the same as Cuba or something? I know Tom Brady is more influential than Fidel Castro, so without getting too political, let’s just say this is obvious.

#24 Anderson Cooper- Journalist/TV Host: If this were a list of most influential gay men, Anderson Cooper would be way high up, and definitely higher than Tom Brady. I feel like Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris are in the same boat. Like, out of nowhere, everyone found out they were gay, and suddenly things made sense. In both cases, you have to believe these guys hooked up with tons of chicks while they lied to themselves about it feeling right.  Unfortunately, this isn’t just a list for “men” and in that regard, the host of any poorly rated CNN show can’t possibly outrank Tom Brady. I mean, have you seen the ratings for an NFL Game that Brady plays in? Blows AC-360 out of the water.

#30 Peter Dinklage- Midget Actor: One issue I have consistently felt has plagued the little people community is their lack of focus in declaring what they want to be known as. For a while, midget was bad, and might still be for all I know. Then they wanted to be dwarves, but everyone found that a bit too Tolkien. Nowadays, I have no clue what they want to be called, I just know that this Peter Dinklage bit off more than he could chew or reach. Tom Brady is 6’4” and runs the 2-minute drill in his sleep. Dinklage was the angry midget in “ELF” who is now on “Game of Thrones” and for some reason, ranks ahead of Brady. Something is disproportionate here, and it’s not the limb-torso ratio of Dinklage.

#35 Jimmy Fallon- Full-sized Actor: Now I know AskMen is just  with all of us. Like, really? Jimmy Fallon influences more people than Tom Brady? Dude hosts a talk show at like 1am. If you’re awake at 1am on a weeknight and you’re watching Jimmy Fallon, you probably don’t have a job to wake up for the next morning. If you do, you probably suck at that job, and at life. Sure, Fallon has played a lovable loser just fine in some movies, and he has even made me laugh twice, but to say he’s more influential than Tom is heretical.

#41 Julian Assange- Wikileaks Founder: Remember when Wikileaks leaked all that censored top secret stuff and shit was about to hit the fan? Me neither. One of the biggest teases of the internet age had to be Wikileaks, right? This dude was like sexually assaulting chicks, fleeing to Sweden and lawyering up because the whole world was trying to sue his ass for leaking secrets that put security at stake. Since then?  No idea. If anything, this just shows how weak Wikileaks was, and how Assange has no influence. When Tom Brady was spying on people, he won Super Bowls. Assange did it and got nothing.


No Occupation? Occupy Wall Street!

October 12, 2011

Some time last week, a bunch of hippies decided to storm Wall Street like it was the Bastille during the French Revolution. If you don’t know what the Bastille is, you’re probably one of those hippies occupying Wall Street. Really, this whole fiasco of the uncoordinated, unintelligible mass of dirty people rallying together around the concept of: “rich people suck,” should surprise no one. The hippies of the 60s and 70s were bound to produce offspring that held similar ideals such as peace, love, poverty and pot to such a high degree. The only thing I don’t get is why it happened now. Like, some time last week, Bank of America realized they were going out of business and stuff, so they announced they were charging everyone $5 a month to have a checking account.

Next, a series of events happened that left America’s collective head spinning and  searching for answers. Picketers were stifling our clean-cut businessmen who smell of dry cleaned designer suits and cologne with the rancid stink of white-people-dreadlocks, hemp necklaces, unwashed cargo shorts, Birkenstocks and beards. Suddenly, Steve Jobs was dead, and the 99% were being spoken for by less than .0000000000001 percent (math on this could be highly inaccurate). I don’t know about you, but after all that, I could use some 22 year-old model… Caitlin O’Connor!

Pretty sure Capitalism yields pictures like this. I think I read it in an Econ textbook somewhere.

Suddenly, I find myself on a bus home from New York City, where I thought the only occupying was taking place. Little did I know I would be greeted by Boston hippies of a similar ilk making sure they can catch the subway home after rallying. Now, it didn’t surprise me that these people had no car to drive themselves into the city with. I overheard them talking and was able to draw a few concrete conclusions. They are as follows.

1- These people don’t have jobs. Obviously.

2- These people don’t know how to create jobs, they just want to get angry at a global collapse and expect the educated people who work hard, to figure out how to save them. It reminds me of last week’s episode of The Office when Ryan complains to Pam how everybody wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. Pam replies, “Didn’t you come in at 10:15 today?!” To which Ryan simply smiles and shrugs: content with that trade off.

3- These people are confused, even within their protest. Not that you can blame them. Like I said, they decided to rally over a $60 annual fee from a big bank, months after a double dip recession, and years after the initial crash.

4- These people are misguided, to say the least. Their best friend, a gargantuan government, is smart enough to know you can’t just let the financial sector that runs a capitalist economy fail. Unfortunately, the government has been paid back almost all the money they lent out to the banks in their bailouts, only there still aren’t any jobs. Shouldn’t the protesters be outside Washington after multiple failed stimulus bills, TARP funds, and job packages that did nothing but add some seasonal Census workers.

5- One good thing came of these protests. Her name is Kat, from Bayside NYC.

Too bad she's probably a Vegan. Turnoff.

Maybe the best part about all this is that these protesters get arrested, and think they are martyrs on the level of suicide bombers in Jilalabad. High comedy all around. I directly heard one woman who was a part of the Boston occupation (ironic word when you think about it) say, “I just wish they wouldn’t get arrested tonight, there was hardly any news coverage!” This summed up the whole situation so fittingly I couldn’t help but smile and think of capitalism.

Stay tuned…


iPad Sucks, Apple Stock Drops, Steve Jobs Pissed

October 21, 2010

Two weeks back, I was sitting on a bus from New York City watching a movie on my MacBook. I just finished listening to some music on my iPod, but decided District 9 would be a better way to buy some time amidst the odd characters you find on a bus to or from New York at any time. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hipster making odd hand motions in his lap. Up and down with speed. Sweeping hand flourish to the right. “WTF is this guy doing? Conducting an orchestra in his head?” I asked myself. Then it hit me. He’s no musically gifted Juilliard student taking a bus to Brown to visit some of his fellow hipsters, and maybe even take in a Peter, Bjorn and John concert (yes I just googled “bands hipsters like”). He was a potentially ordinary hipster playing on his iPad! Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good hipster. Skinny jeans, American Spirits hanging out the back pocket, “Chucks”, Zooey Deschanel, fixed-gear bikes, girls with bicep/tricep tattoos. It’s a truly unique movement. Unfortunately, it’s one of the few movements to also adopt the iPad as its own.

Naturally, hipsters like Apple products. Apple is trendy, against the grain, and has a niche following. Unfortunately for hipsters, their secret is out. Everyone jumped on the Apple gravy train: savvy investors wanted a piece of the stock, savvy pre-pubescent girls wanted to listen to Justin Bieber all day, so they got iPods, savvy college students like myself conned their parents into getting them a Mac “because they totally don’t get viruses on college networks.” Soon enough, American society decided if you didn’t have the newest Apple products, you sucked and were poor.

If sucking and being poor weren't enough, if you don't buy a Mac, you are probably ugly, too, America!

God knows, Americans would rather actually be poor and in debt than have people think they were poor. How do you think our economic crisis started? Maxed out credit cards from idiots buying products like MacBook Pros they couldn’t afford, that’s how! I’m not saying Apple is the reason for the economic collapse of America, but I mean, in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon sense, they are. Throughout all this, one nerd supplanted Bill Gates as the coolest nerd in America. Only this new guy was also an asshole. This character trait catapulted him to cult hero status. No one can rally around a nice guy, but an asshole? He will lead a company to greatness. Steve Jobs did just that. Apple is worth 100 times more now, than in 2003. 100 times. 57 million to 5.7 billion. To better understand that, picture 2003 Apple being Maggie Gyllenhall, and 2010 Apple being Emmanuelle Chriqui. That’s what 100 times better LOOKS like.











Last spring when Jobs debuted his much-anticipated iPad, the cross between a laptop and an iPod, the world waited for his geekiness to amaze, once again. The only problem was, the iPad kind of sucked. Basically, if you had an iPod, and a laptop, the only thing the iPad offered was being a cool “reader.” Since we all learned back in 4th grade that reading isn’t cool, the iPad, in turn, became lame. But, it must have a nice camera, right? Wrong. No camera at all. Well, then it has free Wifi, right? Wrong. You pay for an add on. So it must support Flash player to watch stuff like Hulu, right? Wrong. No Family Guy re-runs for you. So you’re telling me all it does is download books and newspapers better than my computer, iPod, or phone? Basically. Oh yeah, it plays games. But what kind of n00b isn’t rocking a headset playing some COD, Halo or Madden? Tetris is for hipsters.

So guess who has decided to adopt the iPad as their cool device? You nailed it. Hipsters. And some rich people who flaunt their money by buying toys they don’t need. But mostly, those cutting edge hipsters. Now, the iPad is faced with an identity crisis. Sure, they invented the first relatively cool reader gadget thingy. But no one REALLY needs it. Plus, a kindle is about 500 bucks cheaper. Apple’s problem is that everyone bought their laptops and iPods and kind of yawned at something in the middle. Go big (or super portable) or go home!

Amidst all this mediocrity, Steve Jobs is pissed. When stocks fell earlier this week after a weaker than expected iPad sales number, Jobs lashed out to anybody who’d listen. Which meant millions of people listened. Basically, he took a verbal dump on every other tech company, blasting Blackberry’s maker RIM for getting outsold in phones and never being able to catch up now, and telling Google to sit on it, just because he can. But that won’t change the fact that his newest baby, the iPad, is sort of lame.

The good news? Steve Jobs saying anything is worth millions. When you’re worth Emmanuelle Chriqui dollars, and you make fun of other companies, and you are a supremely confident asshole, millions of people decide they want to bet on you. The next day, Apple’s stock was above the original price before the dip. Stuff like that makes America want an iPad again. Because, we all just want to have the coolest shit, and we may not NEED an iPad, but it’s sort of cool in a lame sense. Plus, Steve Jobs said to buy one!

In conclusion, this blog has a new goal. Make as much money being an asshole and saying things as Steve Jobs. It just won’t get typed on an iPad. Because I’ve talked to people who try typing on one and it looks like Hellen Keller’s early works.

Until then, here’s a little more Emmanuelle. Stay tuned…

Who needs 57 Billion? I just want her...