Posts Tagged ‘Wedding Crashers’

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Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 Need-to-Know

June 15, 2011

By now, you’ve been gripped by the Stanley Cup finals if you’re living in New England and have a pulse. Growing up a New England sports fan, I root for every hometown team, and the Bruins have always been “The Thing” in the Fantastic 4. You know about them, but they don’t really fit in, they don’t have a very cool power (other than being turned into a human rock), and the other three steal most of the glory. This year, though, the Bruins are the team who is making the magical playoff run. Much like the Patriots of ’01, the Celtics of ’08 or even the Red Sox of ’04 and ’07, the region has shifted all of its focus to a foreign place in June: the ice. I won’t sit here and berate fans who just recently jumped on the bandwagon. I myself am a pink hat Bruin fan. However, I started watching in the first round of the playoffs and have watched every game since (except for the game 7 against Tampa Bay when I was in a Brooklyn Law apartment complex with no Versus, and had to watch on ESPN gametracker). While the Red Sox are like a wife, the Celtics are like a steady girlfriend, and the Patriots are like that smoking hot hook-up you get on weekends all the time, the Bruins, in these playoffs, have been my one night stand. I hardly knew more than their names before the playoffs started, and after these playoffs I’ll go right back to my wife, but for this one time, I’m cheating, and fully invested in the moment. So, since I know more about sports than you, I’ll tell you all you need to know about this series, from the plots to the players, as we head into tonight’s deciding game 7 (oh, and here’s a potential one night if I had to cheat on my hypothetical wife).

Diora Baird: You remember her from when she flopped onto the bed in the opening Wedding Crashers montage. Like I said, amazing one night stand.

HOME ICE ADVANTAGE:

In six games thus far in the series, the home team has won every game. The Bruins won their home games by a combined score of 17-3. Fortunately, the Canucks have looked far more vulnerable at home, with just a 5-2 goal advantage. Unfortunately, that means the Bs have scored just twice in three games north of the border. Fortunately, none of this makes any sense, the Bruins have been the clear-cut better team, and at some point, you figure one of those fluky one goal games will finally go in the Bruins favor. If the Bs can get an early lead tonight, look out. Roberto Luongo has been, in a word, a shit sandwich once he gives up one goal…

ROBERTO LUONGO

The Italian-Canadian sleezeball has looked like Swiss cheese in Boston, and a block of Cheddar in Vancouver. Okay, so I’m not sure if the block of cheddar analogy made sense, but go with it. The hilarious part is after he gave up 12 goals in two games, he won 1-0 in game 5 and ripped Tim Thomas for the goal he allowed, saying “it would have been an easy save for me.” The Bruins came out in game 6 and scored 3 goals in 8 minutes to chase Luongo to the bench. I would have said showers, but he didn’t have enough time on the ice to require more than an Axe body spray. Look for Boston to come out shooting pucks like Darryl Strawberry’s baseball career: fast, high and on the short (glove) side.

TIM THOMAS

He’s already the Conn Smythe winner for MVP of the Stanley Cup Finals. No, you didn’t miss that award ceremony, because it’s given out tonight, but regardless of who wins game 7, Thomas has it locked up. His numbers, while not quite historic, have been heroic. Like Emmanuelle Chriqui at a bar, Thomas has turned away everything that’s come flying at him. It’s not simply the shots he’s turned aside, but the amount of games he almost single-handedly won the Bruins. Even as their play was shoddy in front of him, Thomas stood on his head to keep games close, or leads in hand. He has made Luongo look foolish on the opposite end of the ice all series long, and if the sports Gods do exist, the right man in net will hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup as well.

It's just been far too long since Emmanuelle has been featured on the Revolver.

THE BITE SEEN ‘ROUND THE WORLD (just not in NHL headquarters)

In Game One, Alexandre Burrows got in a scuffle with Patrice Bergeron and while a ref held them back, he bit Bergeron’s finger. Yes, like a toddler bitch with no other thoughts, he BIT him. While a penalty was called for the bite, the league offices took no action in suspending Burrows. In the very next game, with Burrows playing, Canucks henchman Max LaPierre taunted Bergeron by poking his fingers in his face. Then, Burrows scored the game-winner in Overtime, and the shit had officially hit the fan. It didn’t help in Boston that his name is spelled French-ly and that hockey fans all hate Montreal, French-Canadians, and the French in general. This bite only set off the start of the hatred developed between these two teams.

HORTON HEARS A WHO, SEES STARS

In game three, with all the suspense leading up to how the Bruins would retaliate against the girly, classless antics of the Canucks. Then, minutes in, it was the Canucks who leveled Bruins first-line forward Nathan Horton with a cheapshot two strides after a pass with his head down. Horton lying on the ground with his arm frozen upright like a full mailbox, was out cold: and out for the series. After that hit, the Bs went on to score 12 goals in two wins at home to send the series back for game 5. As I already discussed the results in games 5 and 6 for each home team, it brings us to game 7.

THE SEDIN TWINS VS. THE NOSE FACED KILLAH

Since I can’t tell these particular rare breed of ginger twins apart, I’ll just say the Swedish Twins. Since that makes everyone think of two hot blonde chicks you’d dream about in a menage… I’m sorry. Basically, all you need to know about the Sedins can be summed up by this video: 

I mean, this dude just gets punked, in the face, six separate times, without doing anything. Just standing there like someone from a Nordic country who has never been in a fight before. Apparently Sedin is the Norse God of bitch, who knew? Meanwhile, the guy punching him repeatedly, Brad Marchand, has made a name for himself in this series. He’s even taken on one of the greatest monikers in recent sports nickname memory: The Nose Faced Killah (upside down Wu Tang logo making an “M” and all). With nine goals, and seven assists in these playoffs, Marchand has also been the lead agitator for the Bruins. Pissing off the other team is a trait not to be overlooked. He netted the first goal of the Game 6 blowout when he sniped Luongo’s glove-side and the rout was on.

Straight up gangster.

FINAL PREDICTION:

Because what’s the point of all this information without me making a bold prediction. Well, as I said, the Bruins have soundly outplayed Vancouver throughout this series, and without some bad bounces and breaks, could have already won the cup with multiple one-goal games. It says here, though, that tonight the Bs get the monkey off their backs and Canuck the shit out of Vancouver. 4-1 final with Thomas winning MVP honors, obviously, and the Sedins left to hold each other sobbing in solace during a post-game shower.

Stay tuned…

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The 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses

September 23, 2010

It’s odd that on an afternoon in which Facebook isn’t loading properly, I would write about the genres of statuses. But, I figure by the time I finish writing this, the site will be back humming like the well-oiled machine Mark Zuckerberg has now made billions off. When you leave this blog and go back on Facebook, these are the 9 statuses you are bound to see upon scrolling down your news feed. Without further ado, I present the 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses…

THE KANYE: This status is the one where some obnoxious friend leaves a line about how awesome they are, and what they’ve done today to make themselves feel even more awesome. Only, nobody else could even remotely care. This person has been hidden on my news feed.

Example: Raped my Physics lab today, sometimes cramming the night before is all you need (self-like).

Just finished the quantitative analysis of (insert generic financial company here) before lunch! Time for Sushi…

THE MEATHEAD: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday you get treated to one of your friends statuses entered religiously between three and five o’clock. We get it, bro, you’re lifting weights… again. Why people need to know your workout schedule is beyond me. This person has not been hidden on my news feed, because I still chuckle every time I see the status.

Examples: Lifting; Quick Lift then a Hyper-Protein Dinner; Blasting my Pecs and Tris; Embarrassing people at the gym; Throwing Weight around; Grunting homo-erotically while (insert generic friend name) spots me (okay that last one was a joke, sort of).

THE EMINEM: For whatever reason, a white kid dropping a rap lyric as their status is always hilarious. If you’re from a suburb, you definitely see these all the time, since half the people you are facebook friends with, wish they were rappers. Thankfully, you get treated to these gems throughout the day. You definitely don’t hide this friend, you just laugh at the irony of their latest line.

Examples:

Seamus McFlaherty is IT WAS ALL A DREAM, I USED TO READ WORD UP MAGAZINE. SALT N’ PEPPA AND HEAVY D UP IN THE LIMOUSINE;

Patrick Whitewood is ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS HOV, H TO THE O-V. I USED TO MOVE SNOWFLAKES BY THE O-Z.

THA GURL: (Colt, you spelled girl wrong! Oh wait, I know where you’re going with this one) For whatever reason, some r-words still think they are in 8th grade talking to their crush on AIM when they post this status. These people get hidden on my news feed

Example: Outtieszzz wit muh gurlieszzz. Gr8 nite 2 c Step Up 3D!

Sum1 shud tell guyz dat they are azzholeszzzz. Ugh, WTF!!!

THE SORORITY GIRL: If you went to college, it probably became socially unacceptable to drop this status in “Tha Gurl” form. But this is a distant cousin. For whatever reason, girls join sororities, and then fall in love with everything about that affiliation. They get a “big, grandbig, little, grandlittle, half-big, half-little” and whatever other remote incestuous title can be given. Unfortunately, you don’t hide this person because they are in a sorority and most likely half-cute.

Example:

Sarah Bernstein: HAS THE BEST BIG EVERRRR. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BIGGIE. CANT WAIT FOR CHAPTERRRR AND BID NIGHT!

Christina White: CANNOT WAIT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS MIXERRR… WHERE MY OFFICE HOES ATTT BAHAHA!!!

Marissa Cohen: (508): So I woke up in his t-shirt, one high heel, and wrapped around the toilet. Needless to say “Mission Stay Sober” was really “Mission Impossible” FML. ❤ TFLN!!! (if you didn’t get that last one, you suck).

THE SHAKESPEARE: One of the best statuses out there, this one is simply a direct quote of something awesome. Whether it’s an epic line from Wedding Crashers that is used in everyday life, a friends hungover text (but for the love of god not a TFLN) or just a great quote while in normal physical interaction (you know, when you’re not on facebook). It also may be an uncited hilarious TV/Movie quote that people need to get on their own. If not, so be it. These are usually hilarious, or awful… but either way, this person does not get hidden.

Example:

“When I woke up, I thought I was still in the middle of the dance floor being handed another drink. Guess that’s where my blackout occured last night.”

“You’re my boy, Blue!”

THE NOTEBOOK: Because everyone knows that every potential relationship, and ruined relationship, needs to be announced to the Facebook Community, people often choose sappy movie/song lyrics. This status could have been named The Taylor Swift. These get super annoying. Depending on the level of your friendship, this person should probably be hidden. Unless she’s super hot.

Examples:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird”

“Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think”

THE LOHAN: Much like its namesake, this talentless, coked-up slut of a status provides nothing to your news feed. Generally consisting of mundane shit that normal, cool people would never consider putting as their status, you have 100% hidden this person. As a bonus, this person may also end all these statuses with “<3 you (Name of significant other)!!!”

Examples: “Good night”; “Sleep”, “Bed”, “Dinner”, “Homework”, “Work til 5”; “So bored”

THE COLT: To everyone who gets treated to my statuses, they generally get a wonderful mix of super-conservative critiques on government, insightful commentary on sports, and humorous musings on life. Much like this blog, if you have a core group of facebook friends who can consistently conjur up “The Colt” status, consider yourself lucky.

Examples:

“Obamas approval rating hits ANOTHER low. Guess the honeymoon’s over.”

“If LeBron James were a foreign dictator, he’d be Fidel Castro. Because nobody outside of Miami likes him.”

“Whenever I get down on myself, I read a bunch of boring people’s statuses and realize how much cooler I am than them.”

So there you have it folks. The 9 genres of Facebook Statuses. Strive for greatness. Nobody wants to be so lame, every single day, that they get hidden.