Posts Tagged ‘Taylor Swift’

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We Are All Witness… er, Racist?

September 30, 2010

Today, in the middle of my work shift, I glanced at a headline on ESPN Bottomline that read: “LeBron James says race played a factor in media coverage this summer.” I continued working, but thought to myself, “Wait, WHAT?!” Then it hit me. When you become absurdly rich and famous, you turn equally insane. I will delve into this theory further when I discuss how insane Jennifer Aniston must be to still be single, but for today, I’m focusing on King James.

LeBron’s specific level of insanity has clearly reached Kanye proportions. For the

"Come on, Kanye, you know I have no problem listenating to your awesome songs!"

record, I love and despise Kanye. I loved his VMA performance, because he was so stunningly insane. I hated his claims that George Bush hated black people because of Hurricane Katrina. I hated his interruption of Taylor Swift because he felt Beyonce made one of the greatest music videos, EVER. I loved the double standard he so blatantly brought to light in America. I hated that nobody in America grew a set and discussed the giant Racial Elephant in the room.

Since he is now breaching the upper stratosphere of Kanyanity (see what I did there?!), I’m going to put the race issue to rest. While most people are too scared to talk about race, I’m not. I know I am not a racist. My friends know it, too. This topic is quite simple to discuss. When you decide to turn your back on the city that guided you into the NBA, and did everything they could to turn you into the sickeningly rich human being you are today, it’s not a race issue. When you do all of that in an event created and dubbed by your “team” (not the Cavs, the group of leeches who get rich off LeBron being so rich), and name it “The Decision” it’s not a race issue. When this event is one of the most egotistical things ever seen in sports, and you mask that by giving some money to the Boys and Girls Club, it’s not a race issue.

Although I do little to no research for the purposes of my blog rants, I do know for a certified fact, based on my life, to this point, that there are black people who live in Cleveland. I’m also positive there are black people who live in other places in America. On top of all that, there are most certainly black people employed as members of the media. There are also lots of white people in all those places and professions. They all hated you for what you did LeBron. Not one article I read said: “LeBron James Makes the Right ‘Decision’.” Even if you made the right choice by

The Reverend Jesse Jackson... deserves no more words in my blog today.

joining forces with D Wade and Bosh in Miami, you handled it as poorly as possible. When Jesse Jackson claimed Cavs owner Dan Gilbert possessed a “slave drivers mentality” nobody called Jackson racist (which I would argue, is true). He wasn’t racist, he was just a guy who lost potentially hundreds of millions of dollars because you left his team. Why does race have to get involved? Why does Jesse Jackson EVER get involved? I digress.

Much like Kanye, you have decided that it’s impossible for all these people to hate you. You probably thought… “Wait, I’m f’ing LeBron James! I’m the two-time defending NBA MVP! How could everyone possibly hate me! I KNOW, THEY MUST ALL HATE BLACK PEOPLE! EVEN THOUGH LOTS OF BLACK PEOPLE HATE ME TOO!” See, the concept is flawed. Thousands of people used to wear shirts saying “We Are All Witnesses” in honor of your talent. Now, you think “They Are All Racist”?! I don’t think so, brah.

Look out Kanye, there's a new ego-maniac in town... and by town, I mean in the eyes of almost every American sports fan (those racists).

But don’t worry, LeBron, Kanye still won me over with his crazy antics after his own attempts to bring race into play. I just hope your saneness continues to climb to Kanye-esque levels. Hanging out in South Beach should help things out. Shutting up and playing basketball might help more.

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The 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses

September 23, 2010

It’s odd that on an afternoon in which Facebook isn’t loading properly, I would write about the genres of statuses. But, I figure by the time I finish writing this, the site will be back humming like the well-oiled machine Mark Zuckerberg has now made billions off. When you leave this blog and go back on Facebook, these are the 9 statuses you are bound to see upon scrolling down your news feed. Without further ado, I present the 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses…

THE KANYE: This status is the one where some obnoxious friend leaves a line about how awesome they are, and what they’ve done today to make themselves feel even more awesome. Only, nobody else could even remotely care. This person has been hidden on my news feed.

Example: Raped my Physics lab today, sometimes cramming the night before is all you need (self-like).

Just finished the quantitative analysis of (insert generic financial company here) before lunch! Time for Sushi…

THE MEATHEAD: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday you get treated to one of your friends statuses entered religiously between three and five o’clock. We get it, bro, you’re lifting weights… again. Why people need to know your workout schedule is beyond me. This person has not been hidden on my news feed, because I still chuckle every time I see the status.

Examples: Lifting; Quick Lift then a Hyper-Protein Dinner; Blasting my Pecs and Tris; Embarrassing people at the gym; Throwing Weight around; Grunting homo-erotically while (insert generic friend name) spots me (okay that last one was a joke, sort of).

THE EMINEM: For whatever reason, a white kid dropping a rap lyric as their status is always hilarious. If you’re from a suburb, you definitely see these all the time, since half the people you are facebook friends with, wish they were rappers. Thankfully, you get treated to these gems throughout the day. You definitely don’t hide this friend, you just laugh at the irony of their latest line.

Examples:

Seamus McFlaherty is IT WAS ALL A DREAM, I USED TO READ WORD UP MAGAZINE. SALT N’ PEPPA AND HEAVY D UP IN THE LIMOUSINE;

Patrick Whitewood is ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS HOV, H TO THE O-V. I USED TO MOVE SNOWFLAKES BY THE O-Z.

THA GURL: (Colt, you spelled girl wrong! Oh wait, I know where you’re going with this one) For whatever reason, some r-words still think they are in 8th grade talking to their crush on AIM when they post this status. These people get hidden on my news feed

Example: Outtieszzz wit muh gurlieszzz. Gr8 nite 2 c Step Up 3D!

Sum1 shud tell guyz dat they are azzholeszzzz. Ugh, WTF!!!

THE SORORITY GIRL: If you went to college, it probably became socially unacceptable to drop this status in “Tha Gurl” form. But this is a distant cousin. For whatever reason, girls join sororities, and then fall in love with everything about that affiliation. They get a “big, grandbig, little, grandlittle, half-big, half-little” and whatever other remote incestuous title can be given. Unfortunately, you don’t hide this person because they are in a sorority and most likely half-cute.

Example:

Sarah Bernstein: HAS THE BEST BIG EVERRRR. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BIGGIE. CANT WAIT FOR CHAPTERRRR AND BID NIGHT!

Christina White: CANNOT WAIT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS MIXERRR… WHERE MY OFFICE HOES ATTT BAHAHA!!!

Marissa Cohen: (508): So I woke up in his t-shirt, one high heel, and wrapped around the toilet. Needless to say “Mission Stay Sober” was really “Mission Impossible” FML. ❤ TFLN!!! (if you didn’t get that last one, you suck).

THE SHAKESPEARE: One of the best statuses out there, this one is simply a direct quote of something awesome. Whether it’s an epic line from Wedding Crashers that is used in everyday life, a friends hungover text (but for the love of god not a TFLN) or just a great quote while in normal physical interaction (you know, when you’re not on facebook). It also may be an uncited hilarious TV/Movie quote that people need to get on their own. If not, so be it. These are usually hilarious, or awful… but either way, this person does not get hidden.

Example:

“When I woke up, I thought I was still in the middle of the dance floor being handed another drink. Guess that’s where my blackout occured last night.”

“You’re my boy, Blue!”

THE NOTEBOOK: Because everyone knows that every potential relationship, and ruined relationship, needs to be announced to the Facebook Community, people often choose sappy movie/song lyrics. This status could have been named The Taylor Swift. These get super annoying. Depending on the level of your friendship, this person should probably be hidden. Unless she’s super hot.

Examples:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird”

“Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think”

THE LOHAN: Much like its namesake, this talentless, coked-up slut of a status provides nothing to your news feed. Generally consisting of mundane shit that normal, cool people would never consider putting as their status, you have 100% hidden this person. As a bonus, this person may also end all these statuses with “<3 you (Name of significant other)!!!”

Examples: “Good night”; “Sleep”, “Bed”, “Dinner”, “Homework”, “Work til 5”; “So bored”

THE COLT: To everyone who gets treated to my statuses, they generally get a wonderful mix of super-conservative critiques on government, insightful commentary on sports, and humorous musings on life. Much like this blog, if you have a core group of facebook friends who can consistently conjur up “The Colt” status, consider yourself lucky.

Examples:

“Obamas approval rating hits ANOTHER low. Guess the honeymoon’s over.”

“If LeBron James were a foreign dictator, he’d be Fidel Castro. Because nobody outside of Miami likes him.”

“Whenever I get down on myself, I read a bunch of boring people’s statuses and realize how much cooler I am than them.”

So there you have it folks. The 9 genres of Facebook Statuses. Strive for greatness. Nobody wants to be so lame, every single day, that they get hidden.