Posts Tagged ‘New England Patriots’

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Smiling Through the Fight

January 17, 2013

Students flooded into the classroom and were greeted by fate’s gift to a school day: the substitute teacher. With everyone taking longer than usual to get in their seats after the cheers and jokes, 15 year-old Henry Andrade hopped into the room on his one good leg with the aid of crutches. Wearing a flat-brimmed hat and crisp, creaseless sneakers to match, the teacher followed protocol and asked Henry if he could remove his hat. Quickly taking the defensive and responding with indignation, a couple loyal friends protested 557062_544426055569788_1378746052_n[1]against the “sub’s” request.

“He just got treated for cancer! He can wear it!”

Sensing the teacher’s embarrassment after receiving a red-faced apology, Henry unleashed his patented, brilliant smile and waved down his friends.

“Guys, chill. How was he supposed to know?”

The nervous “sub” was grateful. In a brief, first interaction, the teacher learned all anyone needed to know about Henry Andrade: he quickly impacted everyone he ever met with his calm attitude, unique style and of course that smile.

* * *

With a passion for playing sports and helping to inspire others, Henry embodied a coach’s dream in a high school athlete. After playing soccer his whole life, a form of bone cancer common in adolescence called, osteosarcoma, settled in Henry’s femur when he was 14. The ensuing surgery to remove the cancer resulted in a steel rod, a permanent limp and a change in sports. He may have limped on land, but he glided in the water as a member of the North Providence High School Cougars’ swim team.

The following year, now a junior, the cancer came back. He knew doctors needed to remove his right clavicle and a portion of his left lung, but Henry refused surgery until after the Division III swim meet. Swimming in the freestyle and backstroke events, Henry scored points for his team at the divisional tournament, and more admirably, inspired every other Cougars’ swimmer to be their best, even at their worst. North Providence won the Division III title that year.

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Henry never fell behind in the water, or in the classroom over those last two years of high school. After graduating on time and with his fellow Cougars’ class this past June, Henry enrolled at the University of Rhode Island in the fall. Forging new friendships and hardening the old, he immersed himself in college life. Unfortunately, halfway through his first semester studying kinesiology, cancer again began attacking Henry’s body; this time at a more rapid pace. Forced to leave school, Henry found himself back in the Hasbro Children’s Hospital in Providence, RI.

While spending time in and out of the hospital, Henry was paid a visit by New England Patriots Pro Bowl Defensive Tackle Vince Wilfork back in November. The only thing in the room bigger than the (generously listed) 325 pound Wilfork, was Henry’s smile. As the Patriots battled on the gridiron, Henry fended off cancer with an immeasurable strength. While the Patriots surged on the football field, winning ten of their final eleven games to clinch a bye in the playoffs, Henry’s health began deteriorating further.

During their playoff bye week, another Patriots player stopped in to lift Henry’s spirits. Defensive Back, Devin McCourty, surprised Henry with a visit, and signed the gloves and cleats he wore during the Patriots final regular season game. It took Henry no time to make yet another friend. The two exchanged phone numbers, and were soon following each other on Twitter.

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Four days later, on January 7th, Henry passed away. Although unquestioned, the hundreds of friends and family there to pay respect at the wake proved Henry’s impact on nearly every person he came in contact with. Amongst those who waited their turn, which equated to hours, to say a final goodbye to their beloved friend was McCourty. He spoke to Henry’s family and dedicated his team’s playoffs in Henry’s honor. McCourty tweeted: “RIP @TheRealHenny94 I pray ur resting now…I’ll always remember ur smile and the fight I saw in u #TeamHenry.”

Less than 48 hours after McCourty attended Henry’s wake, he took the field as the Patriots hosted the the Houston Texans in their divisional playoff game. On the opening kickoff, the Texans kick returner, Danieal Manning, found a seam in the defense, and broke free at midfield. The closest Patriots’ player trailed about eight yards behind. As an entire stadium of cheering fans deflated, one player accelerated. Just as Henry walked with a limp, but glided in the water, McCourty seemed to fly on the field as he chased down the Texans return man. McCourty’s saving play prevented a touchdown, and set the tone in a game the Patriots dominated from that point forward, winning 41-28.

There is an old cliche that people love sports so much because they mirror life. This story is about the life of a survivor, fighter, family, community and a professional sports franchise who did not mirror sports, but were enlivened by them. It is also a simple, biased remembrance by someone honored to call Henry his friend. I was that substitute teacher.

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The Patriots will take the field Sunday in the AFC Championship hoping it’s the next step in ultimately winning the Super Bowl and being remembered above all their peers. Consider it another chase from behind for Devin McCourty and the New England Patriots: Henry Andrade is already up in that rarified air, smiling down on everybody.

Join Devin McCourty and the rest of #TeamHenry, Donations can be sent to: “Team Henry Memorial Fund, P.O. Box 114132, North Providence, RI 02911.” 100% of your donation will go to The Tomorrow Fund, Pediatric Cancer Research, NPHS Scholarship in Henry’s Memory and the St. Thomas Church Food Pantry.

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Patriots 38, Eagles 21 (Embarrassed, mostly)

November 29, 2011

Belichick just consistently winning.

Going into this game, you had to like New England’s chances no matter
who started at Quarterback  for the Eagles. One guy literally ran a
dogfighting ring in his backyard, while the other quit on his team
last year, and nearly required an Amber alert when nobody could find
him, and friends thought him to be suicidal. In the old 50/50
psychopath coin flip, the Patriots landed on Vince Young. For the
record, we have a QB who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic (if you’re not
familiar with the test, think one of those annoying internet IQ pop up
ads, for a 4th grader) versus Bill Belichick… arguably the greatest
football mind, ever. This was like Ken Jennings going up against that
supercomputer, Watson, and not even being able to buzz in because it’s
so rigged. Yes, that’s the first and last time Vince Young is Ken
Jennings in any analogy.

Two plays after thinking that, Vince obviously lobbed a 60 yard tear
drop from God himself onto the fingertips of Riley Cooper to set up
the Eagles first touchdown of the day.

After the opening drive stalled on third down by the Pats, it got me
thinking, “Didn’t we use to score a touchdown on opening drives like,
all the time?” Then I thought, “Do we ever do that any more?!” Sure
enough, the Patriots have not scored a touchdown on their opening
drive of the game since week 4 against Oakland (9 plays, 80 yards).
Since then, the Pats have only scored two touchdowns in all the first
quarters of all their games. The 2011 Patriots offense is the 2007
Patriots offense, with a new ignition. Once it gets going, it can
still hum like the old Ferrari in the garage, you just have to worry
that early deficits catch up to this team in the playoffs.

Dan Dierdorff kept describing hits on Brady as, “paying the price for
delivering that throw,” while replays showed Tom being wrapped up and
gently laid upon the grass. Color commentators nowadays love
galvanizing any player/play as games go along. Has Roger Goodell taken
his fuhrer status to the level of spreading the propaganda that no
matter what happens on a football field, it is exciting and
hard-hitting? I’m also tired of hearing how every punk in the league
has matured and truly loves the game. Vince Young apparently did this
over the off-season.

The offside/false start debate has gotten out of control. Philadelphia
dove onto an unhiked ball and it took a minute for the refs to sort
out the penalty. Do these refs really forget why they threw the flag
just because one team is pointing at the other guy?

Benjarvus Green-Ellis is the anti-Maroney if I’ve ever seen it. He
never loses yards, and almost always puts his head down and gets his 4
yards, as evidenced on the Patriots first TD drive capped by, you
guessed it a 4 yard TD run. Sorry about the 4 yard repetitiveness, but
CBS also flashed Benjarvus’ game stats after the drive: 10 rushes for
41 yards. Yup, a 4.1 yard per carry average. On the season, he’s at
3.9 yards per carry, and for his career he currently sits at 4.1.
Sure, he rarely breaks a big run, but with the Patriots passing game
the offense only needs consistency on the ground.

In the second quarter, some dude named Tiquan Underwood, who we signed
because Ochozero was inactive, dropped a wide open touchdown. He
apparently plays football professionally, and somehow smiled his way
back to the huddle. Which is interesting, because I doubt he smiles
when he finds the pink slip in his locker this week.

On the very next play Brady slid in the pocket, directed Branch
mid-route, and hit him along the sidelines uncovered, to walk in for
the touchdown… only it’s not 2004, and Deion Branch now rumbles down
the sidelines like Vince Wilfork trapped in a skinny wide receiver’s
body, so he cuts and trucks and falls to the one yard line.
Thankfully, Benjarvus strolled into the end zone on the next play,
hurting his 4 yard-per-carry average, but getting him a touchdown.

After a sideline interception, New England drove downfield only to
have a long third down pass go through Wes Welker’s hands. This led to
a 39 yard FG for Gostkowski, which he promptly pushed wide, leading to
a Tom Brady sideline triple-swear consisting of the one that rhymes
with hit, followed by a double F-bomb. Stephen Gostkowski has become
the Jonathan Papelbon of the Patriots. If your heart isn’t in your
throat every time he comes on the field (including PATs) you’ve got
better blood pressure than me.

Tom and Wes made their third TD drive much easier… Brady play action,
Welker undresses a cornerback, wide open touchdown strike. Nnamdi
Asomugha may have been hampered by injury, and mostly used to cover
Gronkowski underneath, but the Eagles secondary somehow managed to
look worse than the Patriots in this game.

Vince Young marched Philly right down field before the halftime
two-minute warning, gouging the Patriots secondary with the same exact
play four times in the drive. Yet, in classic Belichick
bend-but-don’t-break fashion, DeSean Jackson had a wide open touchdown
go off his hands because he had T-Rex arms anticipating a big hit. One
obvious about Jackson (and the reason he didn’t get a huge contract in
the off-season) he’s unreal in the open field, but he’s a different
player going across the middle. He also ended up getting benched in
the fourth quarter because of plays like this.

For all their troubles on opening drives of the game, the Patriots
were surgical driving downfield to open the half. Brady moved so
quickly down field one of the Eagles D-Linemen went down with a calf
cramp. To me, this is always one of the funniest sights on a football
field: a 300 pound man crippled by a calf cramp and tapping the muscle
as his leg flails out, unbending from pain as he screams for, “The
little white dude who rubs these things out!”

The second half turned into such a boring blowout that Gronk forgot to
be excited on his fourth quarter touchdown. After nonchalantly walking
towards teammates, it looked like someone had to remind him about his
signature spike.

Losing yesterday and dropping to 4-7 ended any hope the Eagles had at
the playoffs. After beating the rival Giants last week, it was
shocking how quickly the team quit yesterday. Andy Reid has earned the
right after 13 yearsto walk away from this mess of a team after the
season.

New England will be hard-pressed to lose a game the rest of the
season. These next five weeks against Indianapolis, Washington,
Denver, Miami, Buffalo and the Sisters of the Poor should be spent
getting healthy, fine-tuning the offensive problems early, and the
secondary problems always.

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Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 Need-to-Know

June 15, 2011

By now, you’ve been gripped by the Stanley Cup finals if you’re living in New England and have a pulse. Growing up a New England sports fan, I root for every hometown team, and the Bruins have always been “The Thing” in the Fantastic 4. You know about them, but they don’t really fit in, they don’t have a very cool power (other than being turned into a human rock), and the other three steal most of the glory. This year, though, the Bruins are the team who is making the magical playoff run. Much like the Patriots of ’01, the Celtics of ’08 or even the Red Sox of ’04 and ’07, the region has shifted all of its focus to a foreign place in June: the ice. I won’t sit here and berate fans who just recently jumped on the bandwagon. I myself am a pink hat Bruin fan. However, I started watching in the first round of the playoffs and have watched every game since (except for the game 7 against Tampa Bay when I was in a Brooklyn Law apartment complex with no Versus, and had to watch on ESPN gametracker). While the Red Sox are like a wife, the Celtics are like a steady girlfriend, and the Patriots are like that smoking hot hook-up you get on weekends all the time, the Bruins, in these playoffs, have been my one night stand. I hardly knew more than their names before the playoffs started, and after these playoffs I’ll go right back to my wife, but for this one time, I’m cheating, and fully invested in the moment. So, since I know more about sports than you, I’ll tell you all you need to know about this series, from the plots to the players, as we head into tonight’s deciding game 7 (oh, and here’s a potential one night if I had to cheat on my hypothetical wife).

Diora Baird: You remember her from when she flopped onto the bed in the opening Wedding Crashers montage. Like I said, amazing one night stand.

HOME ICE ADVANTAGE:

In six games thus far in the series, the home team has won every game. The Bruins won their home games by a combined score of 17-3. Fortunately, the Canucks have looked far more vulnerable at home, with just a 5-2 goal advantage. Unfortunately, that means the Bs have scored just twice in three games north of the border. Fortunately, none of this makes any sense, the Bruins have been the clear-cut better team, and at some point, you figure one of those fluky one goal games will finally go in the Bruins favor. If the Bs can get an early lead tonight, look out. Roberto Luongo has been, in a word, a shit sandwich once he gives up one goal…

ROBERTO LUONGO

The Italian-Canadian sleezeball has looked like Swiss cheese in Boston, and a block of Cheddar in Vancouver. Okay, so I’m not sure if the block of cheddar analogy made sense, but go with it. The hilarious part is after he gave up 12 goals in two games, he won 1-0 in game 5 and ripped Tim Thomas for the goal he allowed, saying “it would have been an easy save for me.” The Bruins came out in game 6 and scored 3 goals in 8 minutes to chase Luongo to the bench. I would have said showers, but he didn’t have enough time on the ice to require more than an Axe body spray. Look for Boston to come out shooting pucks like Darryl Strawberry’s baseball career: fast, high and on the short (glove) side.

TIM THOMAS

He’s already the Conn Smythe winner for MVP of the Stanley Cup Finals. No, you didn’t miss that award ceremony, because it’s given out tonight, but regardless of who wins game 7, Thomas has it locked up. His numbers, while not quite historic, have been heroic. Like Emmanuelle Chriqui at a bar, Thomas has turned away everything that’s come flying at him. It’s not simply the shots he’s turned aside, but the amount of games he almost single-handedly won the Bruins. Even as their play was shoddy in front of him, Thomas stood on his head to keep games close, or leads in hand. He has made Luongo look foolish on the opposite end of the ice all series long, and if the sports Gods do exist, the right man in net will hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup as well.

It's just been far too long since Emmanuelle has been featured on the Revolver.

THE BITE SEEN ‘ROUND THE WORLD (just not in NHL headquarters)

In Game One, Alexandre Burrows got in a scuffle with Patrice Bergeron and while a ref held them back, he bit Bergeron’s finger. Yes, like a toddler bitch with no other thoughts, he BIT him. While a penalty was called for the bite, the league offices took no action in suspending Burrows. In the very next game, with Burrows playing, Canucks henchman Max LaPierre taunted Bergeron by poking his fingers in his face. Then, Burrows scored the game-winner in Overtime, and the shit had officially hit the fan. It didn’t help in Boston that his name is spelled French-ly and that hockey fans all hate Montreal, French-Canadians, and the French in general. This bite only set off the start of the hatred developed between these two teams.

HORTON HEARS A WHO, SEES STARS

In game three, with all the suspense leading up to how the Bruins would retaliate against the girly, classless antics of the Canucks. Then, minutes in, it was the Canucks who leveled Bruins first-line forward Nathan Horton with a cheapshot two strides after a pass with his head down. Horton lying on the ground with his arm frozen upright like a full mailbox, was out cold: and out for the series. After that hit, the Bs went on to score 12 goals in two wins at home to send the series back for game 5. As I already discussed the results in games 5 and 6 for each home team, it brings us to game 7.

THE SEDIN TWINS VS. THE NOSE FACED KILLAH

Since I can’t tell these particular rare breed of ginger twins apart, I’ll just say the Swedish Twins. Since that makes everyone think of two hot blonde chicks you’d dream about in a menage… I’m sorry. Basically, all you need to know about the Sedins can be summed up by this video: 

I mean, this dude just gets punked, in the face, six separate times, without doing anything. Just standing there like someone from a Nordic country who has never been in a fight before. Apparently Sedin is the Norse God of bitch, who knew? Meanwhile, the guy punching him repeatedly, Brad Marchand, has made a name for himself in this series. He’s even taken on one of the greatest monikers in recent sports nickname memory: The Nose Faced Killah (upside down Wu Tang logo making an “M” and all). With nine goals, and seven assists in these playoffs, Marchand has also been the lead agitator for the Bruins. Pissing off the other team is a trait not to be overlooked. He netted the first goal of the Game 6 blowout when he sniped Luongo’s glove-side and the rout was on.

Straight up gangster.

FINAL PREDICTION:

Because what’s the point of all this information without me making a bold prediction. Well, as I said, the Bruins have soundly outplayed Vancouver throughout this series, and without some bad bounces and breaks, could have already won the cup with multiple one-goal games. It says here, though, that tonight the Bs get the monkey off their backs and Canuck the shit out of Vancouver. 4-1 final with Thomas winning MVP honors, obviously, and the Sedins left to hold each other sobbing in solace during a post-game shower.

Stay tuned…

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Brady vs. Manning? Easy Answer

January 10, 2011

The NFL playoffs just got a whole less ugly. The Mannings, are out. First, the Giants choked their way out of a playoff bid, sparing us the sulking sour puss of Eli Manning. Then, the NFL’s golden child, Peyton Manning, could not guide his team past a lackluster toe-suck effort against the Jets. Just like that, all the attention of irate fans has been turned on Tom Brady. Suddenly, ignorance is flowing like the beer consumption at a kegger. “Whatever, the Jets are gonna smack the Patriots, Tom Brady sucks! He’s a system quarterback! Rex will figure him and Belichick out!” Laughable, I know, but also true. The problem is, when I see these blasphemous status updates of my friends, who don’t know a nickelback from the band “Nickelback”, I can’t blame them. At least not entirely. I blame the analysts on  national networks who keep up the charade of comparing Tom Brady to Peyton Manning for all these years and for all the ratings.

Total bad ass. Just cruising around Central Park, shredding pavement with his Razor. Ready to roll to another Super Bowl?

Now as I’m sure you all know, based on the wonderful analysis of ex-NFL players, and Chris Berman’s guidance, that Peyton Manning has the stats, while Brady has the championships. But when you take a look at these stats, you find out much more. First, Manning has thrown 2,500 more passes in his career, so you cannot compare raw numbers. When you compare statistics based on yards per attempt, QB rating, and TD:INT ratio, you get these two lines for their careers…

Brady: 7.4 yards per attempt, 95.2 QB Rating, 2.6:1 TD/INT ratio

Manning: 7.6 Yards per attempt, 94.9 QB Rating, 2:1 TD/INT ratio

Based on those simple numbers, you can see that Brady is a tick better in QB Rating, and considerably better in the amount of touchdowns he throws per interception. Manning averages a fraction more yards per attempt, but it would seem to be negligible. Two-tenths of a yards is 7.2 inches after all. My head hurts from mental math, so I’m going to get back to easier stats. It seems the thesis of all those moronic Brady haters (who probably don’t know what a thesis is) rests at: “He’s a system quarterback. He never throws the ball more than five yards. Manning can at least throw the ball down the field.”

Sorry. That’s just not true. If the “system” you’re referencing that Brady runs is the West Coast offense, then yes, it’s true he is a system quarterback. That’s like calling Bar Rafaeli pretty, because she is a byproduct of a “system” in which she wears a bikini, professionally. If that’s true for any girl, my time at a beach would be much more enjoyable. However, since half the offenses in the NFL run some form of a pass-heavy West Coast offense, the first part of your argument is invalid. Jay Cutler in a bikini or running the West Coast offense is still ugly. The opposite of Bar Rafaeli in her bikini.

Consider this the football equivalent of a West Coast offense guided by Tom Brady. Thank you, Bar, for the visual aid.

If Brady not being able to “throw the ball more than five yards” is the next part of your argument, you’re more wrong than a Super Bowl 4th quarter pick six to Tracy Porter . Here are two mystery players statistics over the past six full seasons as NFL Quarterbacks.

Player A: 20+ Yard Completions: 309, 40+ Yard Completions: 63

Player B: 20+ Yard Completions: 293, 40+ Yard Completions: 46

That’s right. Your stomach just dropped when you realized Tom Brady is player A. The man who never throws a pass more than five yards somehow, miraculous as it may seem, has completed more deep passes than Archie’s prodigal son over those last six full seasons. Now, I’m about to compare postseasons, but you can imagine it’s only getting uglier for Peyton’s apologists.

Brady is 14-4 in his postseason career, with three Super Bowls. Peyton is 9-10 in his postseason career, with one Super Bowl. Manning has thrown 29 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. Brady has thrown one less touchdown and five less interceptions, in one less game. I’m going out on a limb and assuming Brady won’t throw five picks against the Jets on Sunday, since he only threw four all season.

Peyton can't bare to watch the gap widen.

What shouldn’t be lost in this blog, is that I don’t think Manning is a bad quarterback. Far from it. It’s just that he’s not on Brady’s level. Sure, Manning has done amazing things in his NFL career. He’s also done it with two hall of fame wide receivers in Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, and a potential hall of fame tight end in Dallas Clark. Brady? He had hall of famer Randy Moss for two full seasons (not including Brady’s lost year for ACL surgery, or Moss’ being traded this season). Otherwise, Brady has thrown to guys like David Patten, Troy Brown, Deion Branch, David Givens, Donte Stallworth, Jabar Gaffney, Daniel Graham, Ben Watson, Wes Welker, and the rest of the 2010 misfits turned stars, like Danny Woodhead. Sure, all those wide receivers had very productive years with the Patriots, but once Brady got them their stats, and another team made them rich with a big contract, we rarely heard from them again. Just ask Deion Branch how much easier it is to be a wide receiver with Tom Brady delivering perfect passes to your chest.

When this post-season is all said and done, Brady may be a four-time Super Bowl champion. He will almost definitely be named the 2010 NFL Regular Season MVP, his second. That’s one department Peyton does have Tom beat. Manning’s four regular season MVP awards trump Brady. But if you think Peyton Manning is more valuable than Tom Brady, you’re dead wrong. Look at the stats. Look at the records. Look at the wins and losses. Look at the supermodel wife. No matter how you cut it, Brady beats Manning.

How can you beat this?

Stay tuned…

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Rex Ryan Swallows Bill Belichick’s Rings, Whole.

December 7, 2010

If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t been watching the Bill Belichick era of the New England Patriots. If you thought the Jets may hang around last night, you haven’t been watching. If you thought this game would resemble anything close to the first meeting in September, you haven’t been watching. If you thought Mark Sanchez’s status as a sex symbol could ever rival that of Tom Brady’s, you must be Mexican. In what can only be described as football genocide, the New England Patriots went out last night and disgraced the New York Jets worse than the high school offensive line holding down the freshman kicker and forcing phallic objects inside of him. Rex Ryan may be the NFL’s coaching jester, but Bill Belichick is still royalty.

This all started two years ago, when the Jets named Ryan their new head coach. During Ryan’s first press conference, he announced that he wasn’t going to kiss Belichick’s rings. Since then, the New York and national

When you need suspenders, you've eaten too much over multiple decades.

media have developed a weird crush on a fat ugly guy with what appear to be false teeth, but could just have Mormon lineage. Since then, Ryan has basically been a buffoon of Chris Farley’s ilk, yucking, guffawing and even wearing costumes and wigs to make fun of his own brother during press conferences. Along the way, he has taken repeated shots at the enormous, three-time championship winning dynasty of an elephant in his division. His most recent comment leading up to the Monday Night Genocide read: “I came here to win. As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that’s the truth. That’s just the way it is.”

In classic Belichick fashion, he didn’t take the reporters bait, but instead made everyone else in the room feel inferior. Sort of like every other coach in the league. “That’s what we’re here for. Is that a news story? Is that something you didn’t know? Patriots and Jets want to win the game? I’m not surprised that they expect to win the game, they’re confident, so are we,” Belichick responded with the wryest of smiles. As soon as that press conference aired, I knew the game was a lock. What I didn’t know is how ugly things would get for the Jets.

All you needed to know about Ryan’s strategy last night, and confidence in his team, could be seen on the Jets opening drive. On 3rd and 1 after a failed sneak by Sanchez, Ryan challenged the spot that seemed to be clearly short. After losing the challenge bringing up 4th and 1, the Jets went for it inside their own territory. Sure, they picked it up, but that is not how a confident team plays in the NFL. They punt, pin the opponent back and let their defense (which Rex calls the best greatest most amazing defense, probably, of all-time: past, present and future) do their jobs. After a hooked field goal that didn’t reach the uprights, Tom Brady took over and engineered a 4th and 3 slant to Deion Branch that put the Patriots up 10-0. Not only did they never look back, the Patriots stepped on the gas and headed for the border (which is where Sanchez should have gone to avoid this abortion).

 

Tehehehe. Too soon?

When it was all over, the Patriots won 45-3. It felt more like 450-3. Brady amassed 326 yards, 4tds, obviously 0 picks, and one more virtuoso performance against a team that pissed him and his coach off. Mark Sanchez looked like a virgin at a Vivid shoot, throwing up a 0 TD, 3 INT game. But don’t think I’m just being tough on Sanchez, because from top to bottom, the Jets resembled the sisters of the poor. Even their first punt of the night was a shank job that went about 12 yards, which if you weren’t sure, isn’t good.

The best Jets player last night is actually a Patriot. Danny Woodhead went through training camp with the Jets until they decided he wasn’t good enough to play for them. Too small. Not strong enough. Perfect for Bill Belichick. All Woodhead did was lead the Patriots in receiving yards against his old team with 104. Amongst all the huge physical specimens on the Jets roster, a 5’7” white boy from division II Chadron St. in Nebraska made them all look foolish. It was like watching a bear try to hug a mouse every time Woodhead ran with the ball. You can imagine Belichick broke out that wry smile more than once last night.

This is the sight that has millions of males across New England wishing they could get some Woodhead.

If you’re looking for good news as a Jets fan, you can find solace in the fact that you won’t have to play New England until next season. This team has struggled for weeks, “finding ways to win” against weak opponents that should probably more accurately be described as “having a horseshoe up their sphincter.” This Jets team doesn’t rush the passer, they give up a lot of yards, and their Quarterback is still wet behind the ears (that’s not a Mexican joke, it’s an age joke). None of that wins in December and January.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are only getting better week-to-week. Their defense which ranked last in most yardage statistics coming into last night is starting to gel. They are young, but they make big plays, and the Patriots rarely lose a turnover battle (thanks to Brady, and the fact that Benjarvus Green-Ellis has still yet to fumble in his NFL career). The offense is clicking on all cylinders now that Brady and the Pats are back to playing midget-ball sans Randy Moss. The aformentioned Green-Ellis and Woodhead have actually turned into arguably the most successful two-back tandem in the league (seriously?! Yes).

After last night, It's official, the hair is gorgeous.

If that’s not enough, there’s always that one kicker in the Patriots hand. Bill Belichick. Love him or hate him, he always gets seems to get the last smirk.

Oh yeah, here’s Marissa Miller. The only girl worthy of the Patriots performance last night.

Just give me the Woodhead!

Stay Tuned…