Posts Tagged ‘Jamie Gunns’


Shut Up, Yankees Fans… The Red Sox are Still Poorer

December 9, 2010

Today, I am overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons. First, whenever you’re out at a bar celebrating a friends birthday by getting him belligerent you had a good night. When friends are texting you with “Carl Crawford to the Red Sox” rumors, you think you’re just drunk. Then, the bar’s flat screens are showing ESPN breaking news reports for the deal being true. Suddenly, you’re having a GREAT night and buying a round of those awful shots the smoking hot chick is pushing. You know, the girl who is at a bar running around with that tray of fruity liquor in shot glasses smaller than mouthwash servings, and charging five bucks a shot? Yes. Her.  My exact quote to a friend last night was, “Eff it, if John Henry is willing to give Carl Crawford 142 million, I’m willing to spend 100 bucks on liquor tonight.” What up 0% interest credit card!

You see, ever since John Henry bought the Red Sox with that guy who produced the Cosby’s and parlayed Katie Couric for a while (Tom


Werner), the Red Sox have been weird. Before them, Dan Duquette was running around trying to keep up with the Yankees, every single off-season and it half-worked. Then Duquette got fired, Henry took over, called the Yankees the “Evil Empire” and boy wonder, Theo, started doling out contracts. The Red Sox haven’t had a meaningful big-name free agent acquisition since Duquette signed Manny in 2000. I wrote about that here:

Now, within a week, the Red Sox have acquired the two most desirable players on the market, and are giving each 140+ million dollar contracts. Remember last paragraph when I said I was overcome by feelings of bromosexuality for two reasons, but only gave one? Don’t worry. Here’s reason number two. Logging into Facebook this morning, I was greeted by a wonderful personal message requesting a Revolver blog about the Sox recent activity at the Winter Meetings. This long-time fan of the Revolver said:

“So last night when the Sox reportedly signed Crawford and obviously after already getting Gonzalez, my brother text me and of course said; how do you defend yourselves now when you are becoming the yankees? Obviously a loaded question but it is true for me (and I think my red sox fans) that the yankees have always been the evil empire making the huge free agency moves. How do we justify?”

He went on to request analogies to hot women, which will obviously be obliged (although I question his use of “women” I digress). First, let me easily rip this lame Yankees fan idea that we have joined the Evil Empire like it’s the cheap toilet paper I used in college dorms. Today, I’ll be employing the classic three-prong approach the Allies used against those damn Nazi(Yankee)s.While also using hot women analogies like my friend requested. Here’s a hot woman. No analogy necessary.

Google: "Hot Woman" Get: Ingrid Vandenbosch

ATTACK #1: “It’s a Business, Man” -Jay Z

Even Hov, who is a Yankees fan, knows this is business. In any form of competition, having a trendsetter forces others to keep up, or die off. It may sound Darwinian, but consider the Baltimore Orioles the Pterodactyls. They have never been able to adapt to the current baseball culture, even with a beautiful ballpark, and a team that had Cal Ripken into the 2000s. Now, they are the perennial bottom-feeders of the AL East with no further hope on the horizon. They are extinct. Why? Because the Yankees set a trend by signing the most expensive players in baseball. Of the 23, 100,000,000 million dollar contracts in baseball history, the Yankees have paid 8 of those players for all or part of those deals (they traded for and subsequently took on the back halves of A Rod and Kevin Brown’s original deals).

Calm down retarded Yankees fan. You’re probably thinking “Yeah, but, but, like… 27 F#*KING RINGS! WE GOT THE MONEY AND WE SPEND IT BABY” and you’d only be half-retarded. To complete the retardation, you’d e-mail your brother, who happens to be a Revolver reader and open yourself up to getting owned right now. The Red Sox during that span have signed 2 of those 23 contracts (1 is pending with Adrian Gonzalez’ extension). In that same span, the Yankees have won 1 World Series, the Red Sox have won two. The Yankees are porn star hot. The Red Sox are girl-next door hot. Here.

Yankees: Sure, she's hot, but she's fake, expensive and a dirty, filthy, pig.

Red Sox: Yes, she actually played "The Girl Next Door"

ATTACK #2: “Patience is a Virtue” -Unknown Proverb

So I googled “who said patience is a virtue” and obviously got my favorite author. Unknown. Man, that guy has come up with some good shit over the years. Anyway, his thing about patience rings true for the Red Sox this off-season. Just like I wrote about that $170 million dollar “bridge to 2011” that Theo built, it’s time to pay some respect to his plan. Theo traded for his man to play first base over the next 7 or 8 years and dent the hell  out of the Monster, in A Gon. Then, he got the best free-agent not named “Cliff Lee” to rope triples into the 420 triangle and around the tricky right field at Fenway, in Carl Crawford. It just took waiting an entire year. A year in which the Yankees got older, more expensive, and didn’t win a World Series. These Yankees are like Sarah Jessica Parker. And to quote Peter Griffin, “she looks like a foot.” These Red Sox now resemble Kylie Bisutti, the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Model Search winner. A fresh, hot piece of woman, who would never be compared to looking like a foot. Here.

Yankees: Tired, Older, Foot-like.

Red Sox: Young, Talented, Sex-like.










ATTACK #3: “It’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business” -Michael Corleone

“Wait, you already told us this is a business move, Colt.” I know. And as much as I hate when over-paid athletes cover up their selfish decisions which are strictly financial  by saying “Man, this is a business. You gotta do what’s best for your family. Gotta put bread on the table.” For the Boston Red Sox, it rings true. You cannot compete with the Yankees if you don’t have a plan, and the money to execute it. Any team in baseball can do it, they just need to get fans in the seats. Fenway Park holds the record for consecutive sellouts in Major League Baseball history. Fans come out to see a great team with a chance to win. They did that in the 1990’s when Pedro Martinez single-handedly packed a stadium searching for its first title since 1918. That’s what enabled the team to have the revenue to compete with the Yankees.

Yankees fans can thank George Steinbrenner for a lot of things. He brought them four World Series in his tenure. He cemented their legacy as the most successful sports franchise in the world. But, he also set a precedent for spending money. In a way, it took George to get the Red Sox over “The Curse.” Always falling just a bit short, the Red Sox were finally forced to keep up, or die off completely. They kept up. They’ve won two World Series in the past six years. Unfortunately for Yankees fans, the Red Sox have not only kept up, they’ve also surpassed the Yankees. At least until the Yanks sign their 9th player to ever get a $100 million contract. Cliff Lee is waiting. The 2011 season should be fun. Almost as much fun as this would be.

Jamie Gunns: I doubt that's her real name, but I really don't care.

Stay Tuned…