Posts Tagged ‘Brooklyn Decker’

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The Five Most Disturbing Things about the Sandusky Scandal

November 17, 2011

It’s the age-old tale: Man makes millions of dollars and gets famous playing and coaching football. Man starts charity for underprivileged youths. Man takes youths to his team’s games while charity thrives. Man ends up showering and sodomizing little boys. Man gets caught in the act and nobody tells anybody.  WHADDAFUHH!?! Unless you’re dating Kate Upton and haven’t seen the light of day in the past week, you know about Jerry Sandusky and the pedophile scandal at Penn St.

This is a tough blog for me to write, for a handful of reasons: not the least of which is how uncomfortable pedophiles make me, 99.9% of humans and every prisoner in a maximum security prison. First and foremost, I generally try not to touch stories about little boys with a ten foot pole, unlike Jerry Sandusky who thoroughly enjoyed touching, hugging, showering and “horsing around” with them (editor’s note: from here on out, pedophile sex will just be known as “horsing around” because it is the favorite term of the Sandusky defense). More importantly, I try not to make light of stories that have literally destroyed the lives of millions of people apart from just the victims in the Sandusky case. However, this is the biggest story in sports, possibly ever, and I’m going to weigh in. I’ll be taking excerpts from the Grand Jury report and compiling them into the FIVE most disturbing aspects of this whole case. I’ll try breaking up these horrific acts with girls in bikinis, because lord knows we’ll be needing them.

If you have no idea about this story, and it's because of Kate, you're excused.

NUMBER 1. “It was about 9:30 p.m. As the graduate assistant entered the locker room doors, he was surprised to find the lights and showers on. He then heard rhythmic, slapping sounds. He believed the sounds to be those of sexual activity… He saw a naked boy, Victim 2, whose age he estimated to be ten years old, with his hands up against the wall, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky.”

Now, I wish I could tell you the report goes on to say that the 28 year old graduate assistant, Mike McQueary, a former player for Penn St., proceeded to sprint into the shower, pull the old man (posterizing a child against the wall) to the ground and beat him beyond recognition with a blunt object… but I can’t. McQueary instead went to his office and called his father, like a child. Now, I wish I could tell you his father gave him the advice to run back into the shower, pull the old man (posterizing a child against the wall) to the ground and stab him in the jugular with a pen from his office… but I cant. McQueary’s father ordered him to come home and talk, then decided he should tell his work superior, Joe Paterno. If this response isn’t almost as disturbing to you as the rape of a child, you’re most likely Mike McQueary.

There’s two kinds of evil in this world: those who do evil, and those who witness it and do nothing, to paraphrase Albert Einstein. Hopefully, you or I never have to witness this sickening act (I now shutter at the sound of a mild game of Patty Cake after hearing Sandusky’s sex described as “rhythmic, slapping sounds”), but if we do, more importantly, we wouldn’t run away, call our daddy, drive home, and decide to call our boss. Is that even real life?! You’re a grown ass man and you let the boy get raped, run home to your dad and don’t even call the police?! McQueary should be sent to jail just so he could experience what Victim 2 did, with people witnessing it and no one coming to his aid. I might pass out and I just got started… here’s a girl in a bikini…

Thank you, Brooklyn.

NUMBER 2. “Curley specifically denied that the graduate assistant reported anal sex or anything of a sexual nature whatsoever and termed the conduct as merely “horsing around…”

Penn St. Athletic Director Tim Curley, ladies and gentlemen! He obviously read the intro to this blog, and knew that “horsing around” met sodomizing a child. Or, back when he used it, the term simply covered his ass. I don’t know about you, but “horsing around'” is what two 10 year olds might do during recess, not what a 60 year old wrinkly man does in the shower with a 10 year old boy. Let’s meet our next winner in the Penn St. administration…

 “Schultz testified that the allegations were “not that serious” and that he and Curley “had no indication that a crime had occurred.” Schultz agreed that sodomy between Sandusky and a child would clearly be inappropriate sexual conduct… Although Schultz oversaw the University Police as part of his position, he never reported the 2002 incident to the University Police or other police agency…”

Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz, everybody!!! Thank goodness, someone at Penn St. has finally been questioned enough by now to CONCEDE the point that sodomy would be INAPPROPRIATE. How about sick? Disgusting? Vile? Heinous? CRIMINAL? Meh, no need to get the police involved in THAT.

“Graham Spanier testified… described it as “Jerry Sandusky in the football building locker area in the shower with a younger child and that they were horsing around in the shower… Spanier denied that it was reported to him as an incident that was sexual in nature…”

Last but certainly not least, Penn State’s President, Mr. Graham Spanier, folks!!! This guy is so brilliant, so esteemed, and well regarded as to run a university with over a billion dollar endowment. So naturally, when he got a report of a guy “horsing around” in a shower with a little boy, it was not reported as sexual in nature. WHERE AM I?! I swear I know people from Pennsylvania and they never once described pedophilia in a shower as “horseplay.” Sure, I’ve never once discussed pedophilia in a shower with someone from Pennsylvania, but I don’t think that’s the point. Every last one of these officials deserves to rot in prison in the shower stall next to Sandusky, so he can define “horsing around” for them once and for all.

GIVE ME A GIRL IN A BIKINI!!!

Phew, Eva to the rescue.

 

 NUMBER 3. “Victim 1 testified that Sandusky would “crack his back”… With Victim 1 lying on top of him, face to face, Sandusky would run his arms up and down the boy’s back and “crack” it. Sandusky then began to blow on Victim 1’s bare stomach… Victim 1 testified that ultimately, Sandusky performed oral sex on him more than 20 times through 2007 and early 2008.”

I wish this could somehow be construed as a joke, but I am 100% serious when I say I blame the movie Wedding Crashers for this sex move performed by Sandusky. Without a doubt in my mind, Sandusky decided to try his hand at a game of  Tummy Sticks because of this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH3Hrtth8fI 

Disturbing as that may be, Sandusky invented a new game with these boys that might top it: “back cracking.” It’s a real twisted motheruffer who decides to ritualistically climb into bed with the boys he has sleep over at his house and crack their backs each night before they sleep. Sometimes, you watch TV or a movie and think they’ve done it all, then you read this Grand Jury testimony and realize unless you’re actually a pedophile, you can’t think like one. Imagine thinking this is completely normal. You climb out of the bed your wife is sleeping in, scamper downstairs to the bedroom (because pedophiles don’t walk, they scamper, like rodents) you molest underpriveleged kids from your charity in, and “crack their back.” This might be so sick it embarrasses the definition of disturbing. If I don’t get a girl in a bikini right now, I might vomit.

Don't you dare call me on the fact that this isn't a bikini! Carrie Keegan, from Attack of the Show just saved my life.

NUMBER 4. “Victim 4 was listed, along with Sandusky’s wife, as a member of Sandusky’s family part for the 1998 Outback Bowl and the 1999 Alamo Bowl… Victim 4 would frequently stay overnight at Toftrees with Sandusky and the football team prior to home games. Sandusky’s wife was never present… Sandusky would wrestle with him and maneuver him into a position in which Sandusky’s head was at Victim 4’s genitals and Victim 4’s head was at Sandusky’s genitals. Victim 4 described Sandusky rubbing his genitals on Victim 4’s face and inserting his erect penis in Victim 4’s mouth.”

Sorry if you got confused during this last one, but let me break it down for your: Sandusky 69’d with this kid. Karma Sutra 101, the Grand Jury just can’t put it that bluntly. Now, here’s the part where Joe Paterno had to know shit was coming down on him. Sure, he might have passed the buck on the shower rapes when he told his bosses and thought it would be handled. But how senile do you have to be if you don’t realize when your assistant coach has a new flavor of the week shacking up with him during team hotel stays without his wife? Only that flavor happens to be a train of varying boys. Victim 4 wasn’t the only kid getting treated to games, he was just the newest model.

Paterno knew this was going down, and it’s probably why Sandusky was told he wouldn’t become the head coach when he left back in 1999 (but got to hang around campus to keep raping boys from Second Mile). But come on people, to say Joe Paterno didn’t look the other way during this is beyond absurd. Fortunately for the Occupy Wall Street folks, the Penn St. student body made their rally look smart, as they took to the campus in protest of Paterno’s firing last week. Those kids should have been pepper sprayed, rounded up in a net, and dropped into a Nittany Lion cage (and I have no idea if that would be a bad thing since a Nittany Lion could be a house cat for all I know). You don’t get to reside over all this morbidly sick stuff and not lose your job. It’s called accountability. Even Occupy Wall Street would agree on THAT.

Erin Heatherton, a new Victoria's Secret Model. I've got nothing else.

NUMBER 5. “I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact… We were showering and horsing around and he [the boy] actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were, as I recall, possibly like snapping a towel” -Jerry Sandusky 11/14/2011 in an interview with Bob Costas on NBC’s Rock 30.

I don’t know why, but reading the Grand Jury report was almost so surreal, none of the stuff sunk in. Then, I listened to Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas and my stomach knotted up like I chased week old Sushi with month old Milk. Here’s this sick bastard on national TV, speaking to his innocence and admitting to showering with boys, horsing around and touching their legs. Claiming no sexual contact, just some towel snapping?! This is chilling. It’s the stuff you can’t make up. The horror story often read about, now suddenly has a voice personifying the monster. Here’s hoping Jerry Sandusky gets what he deserves: to live out his life in a prison, where even the criminals know the one crime worse than murder.

Stay tuned…

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The ESPYs Running Diary

July 14, 2011

We’re live at the ESPYs in sunny LA for what is sure to be a roast of Lebron James, and a toast to Aaron Rodgers. Obviously, I’m one of 174 Americans watching the red carpet show and from the looks of it, ESPN has their full posse of blonde women who know nothing about sports, but are amazing at awkward jokes in interviews with athletes that lead to painfully stunted answers, employed for the evening. Sorry, that sentence was almost as awkward. Nary ten minutes ago, Kevin Love and Blake Griffin were backed into the “no homo” moment of the night as Erin Andrews brought up how they discussed each other’s outfits/matching Ray Bans.

Truly serious journalists working for ESPN this evening.

Aside from that, some chick named Jenn Brown is backstage interviewing players who can’t stop thinking about getting her drunk after the show, and Michelle Beadle ambitiously plays the less-hot-but-cooler-than-Erin Andrews card. Speaking of odd sexual tension, Brian Wilson is obviously in a tuxedo unitard, and Justin Bieber has stolen the show with his boyish good looks and inability to be taller than Selena Gomez. The show is about to begin, Tunde is going to be in and out making hilarious comments, so let’s get to the diary!

9:00: One of the coolest highlight montages is consistently the ESPYs show open. You forget about some plays, remember others, and see plays you must have missed during a long weekend bender trippin’ on Paoti with Spider Monkey off the coast of St. Barth’s.

9:05: The athlete’s who died in the past year montage reminds us that Sparky Anderson wasn’t already dead.

9:08- Seth Meyers comes out for his montage. Somehow this dude just soared onto the scene because he looks oddly like the special ed kid Timmy from South Park, and for no other discernible reason.

Timmy.

Seth.

– Seth busts out what seemed like 7 consecutive lame Brian Wilson beard jokes.

-Seth only makes one real joke about the Heat and one backhanded joke about them. ESPN and Nike obviously forced that limit, otherwise Seth would have made not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not SIX jokes about them.

– Seth does a series of “Dodgers are so poor jokes” with his best being they no longer have a 3rd base coach, they just put up a mirror that reflects the first base coach.

– Seth says Yao Ming announced he is ‘retiring from basketball, but he could just be retiling his bathroom,’ arguably his best joke of the entire montage that only drew awkward laughter until people got it, but he had already moved on.

9:21- Consensus on Seth’s grade sat at a 6 within the six humans currently living in our apartment that was legally rented to just four humans.

9:22- Emmanuelle Chriqui comes on to present an award that I obviously forgot by now, because she’s talking and I haven’t heard a word she’s said. She’s in something black and sparkly and her hair is straight a perfect and she’s smiling, and I’m just mush.

Not even fair to other girls.

9:23 Turns out the award is for best breakout athlete. Jose Bautista is in this category with a bunch of rookies, a collegian, and an azn female golfer named three tiny syllables with a dash in there that formed her surname, too. Bautista is turning 31, and just followed up a 54 home run season with 31 at the All Star Break. Does this dude know this is the post-steroids era? Not 1997.

9:24- Blake Griffin wins the award, camera cuts to Cam Newton, and he is STUNNED. Blake thanks “Sloan” for the award– solid move, Blake. Tunde and I aren’t sure how we feel about the new race that’s been created where half-white/black people are now dominating sports. Tunde obviously has a leg up on creating such an athlete in the future, since he is an athlete and I write a blog about them.

9:31- Chris Berman is out presenting a series of serious, uplifting stories from the year including Mark Herzlich’s recovery from bone cancer, and wounded warriors climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. You could see Boomer shaking, while he held back one of his annoying voices with a last name pun and his own man-made sound effects.

9:35- Best Championship Performance ESPY goes to… Timmy Thomas of the Bruins! Seemingly a no-brainer, Tim is visibly shaken as he graciously thanks his teammates. Dude is like Brian Cardinal, only if Brian Cardinal was the best player in the NBA.

9:38- Video Spoof time brought to you by Blake Griffin and Kevin Love. This clip is legitimately funny, so you should just watch it. Now:

9:43- Maria Sharapova announced the winner for best upset: “The winner is, THE VCU!” I know, I know, it’s awesome when people who speak English as probably a third language put definite articles where they don’t belong in everyday speech.

9:50- They try to do a live skit about the Vancouver Kissing Couple. Basically, it was the worst, least funniest thing that has happened on TV since one of those animal cruelty/adoption ads you see on ABC Family after midnight with a Sarah McLachlin song in the background. At this point, I’m getting physically upset at how unfunny this thing was. Who previews these things and decides they might make anybody laugh? Chris Berman?

9:53- Yes, the Vancouver Kissing Couple skit lasted three painfully long minutes. Kind of like any three-minute interview involving Erin Andrews asking an athlete questions.

9:54- Justin Timberlake is out with Aaron Rodgers, and he’s obviously just being his overacting, trying-too-hard-to-be-funny self. I miss the days when comedic actors were comedians, and not lead singers of boy-bands who started banging Hollywood actresses, so they thought they could act, too.

9:56- Best College Athlete award, and I’m not loving the lax bros chances here. Cam Newton is literally sick to his stomach as he loses another award, and this time it’s to a white guy. As Tunde has so eloquently said, “I mean if it’s a fan vote, the white boy is gonna win. If they ain’t got no internet, how they supposed to vote?!” Before the award was given out, I said Cam’s got this (since he did have arguably the greatest season in college football history), with the caveat that if it’s a fan vote (and it is) Jimmer has it on lock. Bang.

10:04- Kiefer Sutherland is out to present the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Generally the best part of the ESPYs, we get the added bonus of Matthew McConaughey narrating the story. Maybe we will be brought to tears, similar to his compelling monologue on the highway of the Brooklyn Bridge to win back Kate Hudson’s heart in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

Dewey Bozella served over 30 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. He was offered parole multiple times if he just admitted to the murder. He refused and finally was proven innocent. Total bad ass. He boxed his way through Sing Sing prison, and hopes to open a gym to train young kids in the community. The situation is even more dire because the gym he currently trains at was just closed down. Something tells me there are a couple people in the audience tonight to help him out. Just sayin’…

10:28- Best Male Athlete intros and Rafael Nadal better not win. I’m fine with any foreigner, but this man-capris wearing fool, taking this award, even a German.

10:30- Dirk takes it… then leans over and kisses his gorgeous African-AmerGerman(?!) wife. So obviously, he’s going to be making the new superbreed Tunde is so worried about. Just picture a 7-foot light skinned fellow burying one-footed jumpers, and jumping over whatever new South Korean car is being made in 2031. On a serious note, is there a reason we didn’t know Dirk’s wife was black? In the pool of all the racially intolerant nationalities who might marry outside their ethnicity, you have to figure the German guy with blonde hair and blue eyes wasn’t a favorite here.

Serena, in the flesh...

1032: Serena Williams breasts are out to announce the upcoming award to Best Female Athlete. I’m not sure where feminists stand nowadays.  They could be proud you can see 62% of Serena’s rack, since no society ruled by men should force her to conform to their ideals of appropriateness. Or, they could be mad that she just got every man’s attention and made us realize we were about to keep watching an award given out to a female athlete, just because we saw 62% of her rack. Total conundrum.

1034: Tim Tebow is out on stage with Brooklyn Decker. ESPN didn’t have to think long about which athlete posed the least threat to want to have a pre-martial, adulterous affair with her.

10:35- Britney’s “Till the World Ends” plays for the Best Female Athlete, and Lindsey Vonn “Did it again.” Tebow just nailed that double entendre: both using Britney, and the repeat award to a T-bow. Boom. I did it too.

Vonn uses her speech to ask Bieber to take a picture with her for her facebook page. Standard.

10:43- As a final bit of torture, Seth Meyers takes the stage following a commercial stepping over the Vancouver Kissing Couple. This joke is more dead than the entire opening montage of dead athletes combined.

10:45- Seth teams up with Bill Hader of SNL to do a “Dirk Nowitzki Academy for Awkward Basketball” skit. German jokes got uber repetitive in this one.

10:47- Kevin Love is on stage with some skinny-fat kid who ESPN tells us is Jonah Hill. Unless Jonah finally popped, this dude on stage being called Jonah Hill has just been released given his “Make a Wish.” Jonah Hill apparently lost 248 pounds without telling anybody. Almost all his fat is gone, besides the back of his neck, which looks like a cancerous tumor is still there. I don’t know what award is being presented because I can’t stop looking at skinny-fat Jonah Hill. Dude officially has no place in Hollywood now. I assumed he’d just get fatter and fatter until his heart exploded that fateful night he did too much coke. Now, he’s not even the funny ugly fat guy– he’s just ugly and chubby (and the kid from Two and a Half Men has that market cornered!). I can’t stop thinking about the amount of surgery required to tuck all that excess skin away. Hope he called Octomom’s plastic doctor.

10:51- Turns out the award was for best game, and the Eagles 4th quarter comeback against the Giants wins it. Pretty sure Brett Favre deserved this one for the game he kicked at Jenn Sturger.

10:59- Stu Scott is out to talk about the V Foundation in honor of Jim Valvano. The foundation has raised over $100 million to date, which only made me say: “Wait, that’s it?!” Susan G. Komen must be smoking that total, no?! I mean come on people, the V Foundation has been around for 18 years now, donate some money in the name of one of the greatest speeches ever given, ever. Google it and try not to get chills.

11:01- Anthony Robles is the V Foundation Award winner, and this should shock nobody. This dude was born with one leg, and went out and won the NCAA Championship in wrestling. Sure, he’s in a lower weight class than he should be because he’s missing 20% of his total weight (obviously didn’t have to Google that), but that doesn’t make this story any less inspiring. Plus, he went to Arizona State, so he obviously gotten more ass standing on one leg than anyone else in the history of mankind.

Anthony Robles, embarrasing an able-bodied person.

11:05- The story only gets better as we find out Robles’ birth dad ditched the family upon his birth. Then his mom got sick, and his stepdad bailed, too. Robles said he wanted to quit wrestling to get a job and help the family, but his mother refused. So, Robles obviously memorized an inspirational poem along the way and recited it to us. Yes, I am currently typing with goosebumps. I could not feel any worse about my life, than right now. Until right NOW, because I’m thinking about you reading this blog, and not even being the one who wrote it, so I feel a little better.

11:11 Cam Newton, Amber Heard and Cee Lo are out to present the award for best play, but let’s be serious, this has all the makings of a perfect threesome. Black dwarf. Black enormous physical specimen, white chick starring in an upcoming show about the original Playboy bunnies.

For the record, I don’t love the random dude in the MLS who scored a game-winning regular season goal in less-than-amazing fashion to win this one…but he is nominated.

Sure enough, Abby Wambach’s header in the final minute to tie the World Cup game against Brazil that happened three days ago, wins the award. Obviously, if Abby didn’t have the Bieber haircut, this goal would have never happened, ipso facto, Bieber just had the best play of the year. Standard.

11:17- Right on uffin cue, the Biebs in the flesh is presenting the final award of the evening with Danica Patrick. If his balls had dropped yet, he’d be considering ditching Selena for Danica by now. He might still bag Danica, though, because he’s Bieber. Anyway, the award is for Best Team, and the soundtrack to the nominees is Fabolous- “It’s My Time.” Easily one of the top three pump up songs of the last couple years.

Since the NHL won’t win this award, the Bruins are out, even though they probably deserve the award for what they overcame in the playoffs to win the Cup. America is voting, and since literally everybody in America hates Lebron (Miami is a part of Cuba, right) the Mavs win the award.

11:27- I’ll wrap this up as quickly as Seth Meyers did since we are over the 2,000 word mark, and quicker than Bieber in bed with Selena. I know this blog caught you all off guard because it’s been a few weeks since you last heard from me. No worries, one day I’ll give you an explanation. Until then…

Bieber straight killin' it.

Stay tuned…

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Tea Party Stirs Midterm Election Night

November 2, 2010

I did it again. In keeping with the personal credo of my Halloween costumes, I chose a current event/issue and dressed as it for the day America overlooks slutty outfits. This idea all started when I dressed as Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball in 6th grade and won most original costume at my school’s family dance. Damn, were the girls flocking to me THAT night. Since then, amongst other things, I’ve been a Duke lacrosse player, one of Michael Vick’s dogs, the Stock Market, Allen from The Hangover and most recently, the Tea Party. All of those costumes were utter hits, as you can imagine, save for one.

Sunday night, whilst wearing a party hat, button down shirt, necklace of tea, and the Republican elephant symbol, a Jagermeister shot girl came up to my friends and I asking what we all were. She started off on fire. “Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Kenny Powers, a Caveman, Eminem and… uhhh, umm… is it your birthday?!” she asked me. “No, I’m the Tea Party. Get it. Party Hat. Tea. Republican symbol,” I responded. She didn’t get it. “You mean like, the Boston Tea Party?!” At this point I was far more interested in the bucket of alcoholic concoction that was in front of me, so I looked up and asked, “You’re not really a political junkie, are you?” To which she laughed and said, “Nooo, I was an English major. I hate history.” Exasperated, I ended the discourse: “Yes, you’re exactly right. I’m the Boston Tea Party. Now can I get a Jager lanyard or what?”

Sure, I got the lanyard, but there was a larger issue at hand here. An election that stood to shape our country’s future was two days away and this self-proclaimed college-educated Jager shot girl did not know what the Tea Party was. Now aside from the fact that I believe she majored in English about as much as I’d believe four consecutive strippers telling me they are just dancing to get through law school, I realized that this may be a very good thing. But not for Democrat politicians.

Perhaps Shakespeare was more her... cup of tea. Lame pun, FTW!

Flash back two years. “Hope and change!” “Yes we can!” Remember those fun little sayings? Gosh, they sure were neat. I recall them well. My peers came to class dressed in their trendy Obama tees. Street volunteers handed out pamphlets ranging from the plight of the Polar Bear, to mosquito nets in Africa, to why Obama would save America from debt, a crap economy and everyone not having healthcare, like in Europe! It didn’t matter to these leftists that “Europe” would just be called “Germany” if it wasn’t for “America.” To them, the last eight years of George W. Bush meant that America is evil and needs to hug foreign dictators more.

Flash forward to the present. Obama’s approval rating has shifted from 65% approving and 29% disapproving after a month in office, to 45.6% approving and 49.4% disapproving after two years in office. That’s a +36 to a -4. To put it another way, February 2009 Obama was Brooklyn Decker, while present-day Obama is Kelly Osbourne.

Yep. Brooklyn.

Present-day Barack? Is that you?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why did Obama get Kelly Osborne ugly, you ask? Partly because our federal deficit has doubled since he stepped into office. Partly because the economic stimulus did nothing to create new jobs, even though fuzzy math by the White House say it sort of did (too bad part-time Census worker jobs don’t come around every year). Partly because the health-care bill that got passed sucks. But mostly, because Obama has done nothing to create much “Hope.”

Sure, there’s been change, only all it did was piss off the largest group of America. The Americans who work hard for their money and would like to keep most of it, not give it to the government to fund failed stimulus bills, expansive health care bills, and legislation that lets illegal aliens live, work, and receive benefits from them. Those angry people formed a party named for the revolutionary act that took place when colonists rose up against the latest tax from King George III. In a way, my Jager shot girl wasn’t completely ignorant after all. The Boston Tea Party was the inspiration for the current Tea Party, sort of.

So here’s why young people not knowing what the Tea Party is becomes a problem for Obama-led Democrats. Because no one who rallied around the current president two years ago seems to even care about these mid-term elections. The man who led the social networking political movement failed to keep the attention of his newest voting group. You see, on the internet, you get your 15 minutes of fame, but usually fail to hold the attention of us over-diagnosed ADD ritalin addicts known as the 18-25 year old age bracket. We’ve got more important stuff to see and do, like watch the ultimate freakout kid on Youtube, and peruse Maxim’s Hot 100.

Arianny Celeste is #23... in case you were wondering.

So now, we get to see the election results tonight. Every single House seat is up for grabs. Thirty-seven Senate and Governor seats are open. The House is almost guaranteed to turn Republican. Which means no more Nancy Pelosi. The Senate should come closer to 50-50, which means no more jamming bills through to Fuhrer Obama. Meanwhile, Obama has become so unpopular that most Democrats did not even want his help in their campaign, as they try to distance themselves from his policy of the past two years. Even the least politically-inclined, like the Jager shot girl, knows that can’t be a good thing.