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Osama bin Laden Shot Dead… IN THE FACE… AMERICA!

May 3, 2011

During the past decade, an entire generation of Americans literally grew up in the aftermath of 9/11. It became the “where were you when?” moment of our contemporaries. Along the way, Americans came to associate one man with the attacks on the World Trade Center: Osama bin Laden. While there were plenty of other alien sounding, hyphenated, three name psychopaths involved, “Osama bin Laden” stuck in the nation’s conscience. As “America’s Most Wanted” terrorist, he put out his little cave videos, threatened attacks, recruited new, lonely, apparently sexually frustrated males by promising them 72 virgins once they blew themselves up, hid like a coward for 10 years and as Allen from The Hangover reminds us, made masturbating on an airplane illegal, rather than merely frowned upon. Last night, I had another “where were you when” moment, and it came upon hearing the news that Osama finally got his head popped by an American made assault rifle with a laser scope. Obviously, the news called for a nightcap, and some mental notes that needed to be put down on electronic record as more information came to light. Guiding you through today’s blog will be some of the hottest middle-eastern women on the internets… because beauty is everywhere, and you’ve probably never googled that.

Rima Fakih: Miss USA 2010... but of Lebanese/Heavenese descent.

FIRST REACTION:

When I first heard the news that we killed Osama, I didn’t know how to react, but some quick thoughts came to mind. First thought, “Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?!” My next thought immediately jumped to imagining the mission details of this operation, and the feeling whichever Navy Seal had when he saw a 6’6” bearded frame through his night vision goggles, lined up his laser scope between bin Laden’s unibrow, and squeezed off that round. My third initial thought (which makes little to no sense since “initial” means first),  obviously skipped to whether there was beer in the fridge. There’s really no more American principle than the freedom we have to sip whiskey or tip back a cold one in the safety of our own home. It is the very basic safety and freedom fought for and protected by the courage of men and women fighting overseas for those very ideals.

EARLY DETAILS:

Rima, again... in a bikini. Because I can.

If you’re like me, you couldn’t wait to see the cave they dragged Osama’s dirty ass out of. I mean, this evil son of a bitch has been hiding out in Paki caves for a decade, narrowly escaping carpet bombs and drone attacks, without any amenities. Outside of drinking your own urine, because it’s sterile and you like the taste, the best part of your day is making another home video on your terrorist flip cam, and maybe some foreplay with a stray goat. Then, news broke that Osama lived in a million dollar compound with his youngest wife and two of his terrorist “couriers” and their families. While it had high-level security and 18 foot high walls topped with barbed wire, it did not have internet, phone or television. Suddenly, a whole new set of thoughts came to mind.

1- Being a “courier” in Al Qaeda basically makes you the biggest bitch on planet earth, right?. I mean, you haven’t even reached the level of getting to blow yourself up. You’re still fetching the martyr dude his coffee, highlighting and color coding his schedule, and lining up afterlife meet and greets with the virgins he gets when he’s finally exploded. It’d be fine if you got to do all that bitchwork and eventually moved into the corner office, but once you’re done with all that, you explode yourself, too.

2- Osama took his youngest wife to hide out with him. This sort of stuff just tickles me. Unless you’re reading about a Mormon wedding, it’s rare you get the old “multiple wives age differentiation” clause in a news story. Lately, my imaginary conversations have been drawing rave reviews, so here’s how it went down when Osama asked his little lady to go hide out with him:

Osama: So, baby, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, come closer so I can hold a rusty machete to your neck as I speak.

Youngest Wife: What is it my lanky lover?!

Osama: Well, I’ve done some things, and pissed off the world’s greatest superpower. I want you to come away into hiding with me. We’ve got this sweet pad all set up, it just doesn’t have an internet hook-up, but we’re working on that. There’s nothing here in this small town for us, especially running water or electricity.

Youngest Wife: Majestic as your beard may be, Osama, and while I can neither read nor write due to the sexist oppression of males in our culture, I have heard others talking by the milking goats that you’re the most wanted man in the world. I do not want to come… and no internet?! This is the 21st century, Osama!

Osama: What do you mean you don’t want to come? You do realize I’m holding a rusty machete to your neck, don’t you? Does this look like a democracy?! No. It looks like an extremist islamic terrorist organization trying to destroy democracy, because that’s exactly what it is. Now pack your robes, or I will tie you to an IED and let the children practice with their rocket launchers. And I told you, we’re looking into the internet issue! We might get a MiFi or something through Sprint. I hear 4G is coming!!!

And… SCENE.

sidenote: Is it weird that bin Laden has better luck with the ladies than me? I guess “blogger” just doesn’t have the same cache as “megalomaniacal terrorist mastermind.”

3- You’re the head of Al Qaeda and no one, not even one of your couriers, can find you a basic cable-phone-internet triple play package?! That shit is like $99.99/month, including HBO and Starz for the first year with a contract re-evaulation, bro. Weak sauce.

FURTHER DETAILS

Manel Filali: Singer from Yemen. I don't understand what she's saying in her songs. (ps- is it Yemeni? Yemenese? Yemenish?)

As the story continued to unfold, we found out that this mansion in Pakistan looked more like a prison on the inside, with mattresses flat on the floor and clothes piled up in corners like a Hoarders episode. Reports also came out that the area was initially deserted, but since the bin Laden’s moved into their compound, smaller houses started popping up like Mr. Rogers himself started up a neighborhood. Following that up came the factoid that the bin Laden compound burned its own trash. More intriguing perhaps than all that involved the little fact that a Pakistani military academy sat essentially down the street. Obviously, this brought up some further analysis, by me.

1- Pakistan has got to be shitting me. Not that any of us should have ever thought they were actually on our side in this endeavor to track down bin Laden, but these dudes might as well have been his Islamic brothers from another less extremist mother. Osama is in the biggest house on the block, with tall ass walls and barbed wire, and two shady guys who are just couriering the shit out of the place. Meanwhile the Pakistani military academy is just chilling down the street eating goat cheese, sipping goat’s milk and playing cricket or rock ball or whatever they do out there. Maybe their military just sucks that bad. The USA is tracking dudes all over the world, collecting intelligence like it’s going out of style, tapping wires, creating facial recognition software and examining DNA like it’s CSI: Middle East, and Pakistan is struggling to get dial-up internet. If this isn’t another example of why America runs the world, and every other country just always needs us to bail their asses out, after they do nothing for us, ever, then I don’t know what is.

2- Nobody willingly burns their garbage when there is someone who will come by and pick it up. Have you ever smelled hot garbage? Smells like… well, hot garbage. Osama actually played this one pretty cool. He obviously knew we wouldn’t be looking for a literal smoke signal as to his whereabouts. Even though, in hindsight, we should have realized that would be the best technology a Pakistani would have at their disposal to alert us.

3- I’m not saying women need to cook, clean and make babies, but Mrs. bin Laden has no excuse here. You’ve been living in this joint for over six years (still unknown where he lived in the years directly after 9/11). You’ve got no TV, phone or internet so it’s not like you were watching the royal wedding coverage this past weekend. So far, I haven’t read a report that you didn’t have a vacuum, duster and closets. No excuse for the hideout to be a pig sty. Have some respect for yourself and clean up the place. You never know when US troops are going to kick down your door, blast you and your husband with assault rifles, then release photographs of the scene. I’ll give a pass on the stained rugs, but only because I assume that’s freshly spilled blood, and not tomato juice.

OPERATION DETAILS:

Dana Halabi is a Kuwaitian actress. Yes, I'm just making up what you call people from these countries. No, I don't know what she's saying in her acting roles.

Next, the reports on the military team and operation started taking shape. Navy Seal Team Six, which may or may not have been a Tom Clancy video game, headed the operation. The US had gathered so much information, mostly from detainees at Gitmo who got waterboarded worse than Shamu, that the Seal team practiced the mission on a replica bin Laden compound. The operation took just 40 minutes, included a malfunctioning helicopter that was expertly landed without injury, resulted in four terrorist deaths, and zero harm to any American soldier. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s the military equivalent of hitting for the cycle. First reports also stated an armed bin Laden resisted troops upon being asked to surrender, and he used his wife as a human shield. My pressing thoughts…

1- This is why I love sports. They let us draw the closest parallels to war. You practice, you get good, you execute, you win. That is exactly what the Navy Seals did. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Belichick drew up this operation. Just steely cool and tactful as all hell.

2- Torture: 1 Osama: 0. There’s a reason torture is as old a practice as prostitution: it gets the job done. In recent years, the Bush administration took major heat for two things: Guantanamo Bay prison practices, and waterboarding. Now, we find out that the very prisoners being tortured at Gitmo, were the same men who dropped dimes on Osama. The beauty of waterboarding is that it only “simulates” the act of drowning. Thus, we get to drown these terrorists over and over and over until they tell us what we want, and all we’ve done is scared the shit out of them repeatedly. If you think this violates their human rights, I’d argue you’re an idiot.  They gave up their identity as humans and became monsters when they planned, succeeded, or failed at bombing innocent people.

3- Nothing like the old human shield maneuver. They say Hollywood is all cliche, I say, they nailed the whole “a villain uses another human being as his shield” bit. Of course Osama used his wife as a human shield! If Vegas books had odds on, “Will bin Laden use his wife as a human shield on the day he is raided” I’d have bet my left nut on yes. That’s an easier wager than the Celtics being pushed to +250 from +150 in the Heat series after losing game 1.

THE DETAILS BECOME FACTS:

Brigitte Yaghi was on Lebanese Idol, and might have even won, but I didn't care to check on that. She's hot though.

So in any government-run operation, there are bound to be more informational mix-ups than a paternity episode on Maury. Sure enough, a few of the issues I already discussed eventually proved to be untrue. First, even though I still think I should keep my left nut for it being earlier reported, Osama’s wife did not get used as a human shield and isn’t dead, either. In actuality, she stormed at the Seal team before getting shot in her leg. Next, Osama was not armed during the raid. However, the Seals did come under fire, so you can imagine they weren’t too pleased by the time they saw OBL. The government maintains that you can resist a request to surrender without being armed. It has been reported that Osama suffered bullet wounds above his left eye that took a piece of skull with it, along with a shot to the chest. Osama bin Laden received a burial at sea as the Navy dumped his body after giving it a proper Islamic burial. Thought time…

1- Mrs. bin Laden is a ride or die bitch. Sure, she can’t clean worth a damn, but when it hits the fan, she is apparently down to storm trained special ops teams on behalf of her man. Can’t knock the devotion there.

2- The fact that Osama was unarmed could not mean less to me. I’ll re-create how the surrender request would have gone down during the raid, armed or unarmed.

Navy Seal: Identify yourself, motherfc*ker!

Osama: I am Osama bin Laden! I surren… (shot rips through left forehead carrying frontal lobe with it… shot rips through heart milliseconds after).

Navy Seal: (thinks to himself) ::That was all I needed to know, bro:: (nods approvingly upon review of hits to target).

and… SCENE!

Seriously. if you think the “request to surrender” is anything more than a politically correct way to cover our ass by not saying “we were popping this dude’s head even if we walked in on him reading arabic Dr. Seuss to his son while daisies were tucked behind his ear,” you’re batshit crazy.

FINAL RESULTS:

All joking aside, according to the latest report, the White House will release images of Osama’s corpse. Debates took place early on in this process as to whether such a photo should be released.  I’m not waiting to post the pictures here, because this is no place for that kind of seriousness. While conspiracy theorists will abound, regardless of the images produced, ultimately, this is a great event in the War on Terror. Hopefully to all the families affected by the events on 9/11 and in the ensuing wars, this acts as another step in the grieving process. Osama bin Laden, even in hiding, represented the evil that tries to threaten the freedom of not only Americans, but also the citizens of any free country.

As I said in the beginning of this blog, I had another “where were you when” moment upon finding out we killed Osama bin Laden. Sitting with a group of friends, one whose birthday is September 11th, we discussed how awful that day back in 2001 was and where we were. We then watched as the president addressed the nation and news stations began updating us on the facts. Maybe the only fact that matters is Osama bin Laden’s last thought on this earth was, “Oh shit!” as he stared down the barrel of that Navy Seal’s assault rifle. I cannot thank the families and soldiers who defend our freedom enough. If this blog could give them one laugh, or bit of enjoyment, it has done its purpose. God bless America. Stay tuned…

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One comment

  1. One of your best yet! Loved the Navy SEAL dialog since that is exactly how it must have gone down. God Bless America and her fighting forces!



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