Deep Thoughts on the NBA Playoffs Rd. 1

April 25, 2011

I’m sick of doing previews.  I’m sure all my loyal readers were stunned when they didn’t see an NBA Playoff Prognostication blog, but quite frankly, I didn’t think there would be much predicting required.  The Spurs couldn’t possibly lose a series to the last seeded Grizzlies without Rudy Gay, and starring Tony Allen.  The Lakers would blow by the Hornets like an Aston Martin at a red light next to a Kia (the official car of the NBA!). Orlando would beat Atlanta by 20 every game like last year and the Bulls and Heat would sweep through to the second round. Only, somewhere along the way, none of that stuff has happened. Easter Sunday featured half the playoff teams in action, and I watched all or parts of every game. Along the way I’ve watched every other team play, and I’m ready to share my thoughts on the 20 most interesting players, teams, styles and storylines for this year’s NBA playoffs. With only the Knicks currently dead, every team has a chance, Nicole Ritchie buhlimic slim as that may be, to advance to the next round. I’m doing this in two parts because, well, it will be Titanic long otherwise. Eastern Conference thoughts today. Western Conference tomorrow. Ten thoughts a day. Get after it.

Today’s hot pictures will be brought to you by the girlfriends/wives/baby mamas of players that I can find. Except for LaLa, because I cannot respect a woman who made her fame under the name “LaLa” and who isn’t hot. Here’s a sub for her…

Sick as it may be, Adriana Lima married Marko Jaric, then made his babies. Google him if you want to feel better about your chances to land an "Angel."

Rajon Rondo’s Ugly Side- The third highest jersey seller in the NBA. Crazy right? That should tell you all you need to know about Rondo. People who love his flashy play go out to buy his jersey. Meanwhile, people who know basketball also know he gives you the Kim/Khloe. Exactly. You either get a near-perfect performance of dominance, or a sloppier related version of that display. Maybe it’s nitpicking, but all the Celtics need is a steady point guard who can actually knock down jumpers and stay in front of his man every single night. Starting Mike Conley Jr., the Cs would have won the NBA title last year and are the heavy favorite to repeat. After the first series against the Knicks, Rondo didn’t really change my opinion on this matter, but it is a step in the right direction from his horrid post-All Star break/loss of his bromantic lover, Perk.

Amar’e Stoudemire’s Back: So, when’s surgery, bro? I mean, when you snap your spine and it’s ripping through your ass like a tail, you need surgery, right? Wait. It was a what? Muscle spasm? Like, you slept on it funny? I would say more about the Amar’e spas’m costing his team the series by sitting out almost all of Game  2,  but I’d rather just direct you to this Youtube clip.

Obviously, Amar’e isn’t Basketball Jesus, but come on, man. You’re embarrassing yourself.

 Heat-Sixers Series: If these were NFL games, they’d be playing two-hand touch. Honestly, there’s more violence in a pre-pubescent pillow fight. Every time down the court, somebody calls for a clear out, and one guy dribbles at the top of the key until they either get shutoff from driving to the hoop, or pull up for a jumper that clangs off the rim. If the latter happens, someone gets a kickout pass for a contested three, which similarly ricochets off the iron like a Revolutionary naval battle. Either way, the game then automatically shifts into a fast break drill where Lebron and DWade try to perfect the alley oop like Jackie Moon passing to Coffee Black. Some of the worst playoff basketball I’ve seen in a while, the Celtics couldn’t have asked for a better series to get Miami into all the bad habits necessary to get mopped by a veteran team who runs an offensive set, and plays the best defense in the league.

Shaq's girl Hoopz, of Flavor of Love fame. He's 7'1.'' Her ass is proportionate. Match made in Heaven. Shaq will be ready for the Heat.

Doc. Gilbert Sam Arenas: Did you know Arenas’ full name is an anagram for:God bless America rant”! Bet you didn’t know he received a night school PhD in Anglo-European Studies, did you? I know, crazy, but hold on I’ll make this work. Only in America do you get to sign a contract for $111 million, then brandish a firearm to settle a gambling dispute with your teammate in Washington, get traded to the Magic, become a shell of your former talent, and still make $111 million. You can’t even blame the dude. How can you try at life, let alone a game when you are making $111 effing million. Give me like, a million dollars and I’m dropping everything, moving to Hawaii and opening a fruit stand. Give me $111 million and I’m opening 111 of those fruit stands and calling it a conglomerate. Plus, it’s also not Gilbert’s fault the NBA doesn’t require one-handed shooting (Youtube it if you haven’t seen him beat DeShawn Stevenson in a 3-pt contest with DeShawn shooting normal). As a final note, only in America can you invent both an educational background, and Arenas’ middle name of “Sam” to make this anagram work and trick your reader into thinking it was true until now.

So close, yet so far.

Dwight Howard’s Goatee: I started growing actual facial hair sometime around 19 years old. You know, not those weird wispy goat hairs, but actual, shave-required hair. Four years later, try as I might, my whole beard does not fill in or connect all the way around. Due to this genetic inconvenience, when my beard gets beyond thick stubble, it gets shaved.  Common sense. In my expert estimation, Dwight Howard is two full years away from having his goatee connect all the way around.  This means, for the next two years, he should not be modeling the gross, patchy, sophomoric looking goatee he currently is. Wouldn’t surprise me if chicks start withholding sex from him just because of that sparse chingina. I’m not trying to hate on Dwight, he just needs to realize some dudes can grow a full Grizzly Adams in time to dominate Little League, and others have to wait around until they’re 30 to pull off such a feat.

Tyler Hansbrough’s ADHD:


Everyone remembers the big goofy white kid in their recreation basketball league with mongoloid strength, who traveled all the time and smelled like ass. Hansbrough almost certainly acted as this kid in his rec league. You don’t get the nickname “Psycho T” unless you have “ADHD” stamped  onto your school records. Since then, he made it to the NBA, where he’s no longer the biggest, but he is super goofy, not quite a mongoloid, and still traveling relentlessly. Thankfully Psycho T found the perfect league to travel on almost every possession. He has somehow mastered the stutter-step without dribbling into a double pump fumble into his own chest ending with a banked in 8 foot layup.  His team should be up three games to one on the Bulls in an 8-1 seed upset. Somehow, the Bulls have the 3-1 series lead, mostly because of this guy…


Kyle Korver’s Hair:  You thought I was going to say Derrick Rose, didn’t you?! Well, call it my penchant for recognizing the rarest of species in the NBA: white guys with Bieber haircuts who water threes all day long. For a while, people were giving my man Tom Brady shit for his Bieber cut. Little did they know he simply wasn’t cutting his lettuce, ever, until he could tie it into a Brazilian pony tail and just kill it at street parades. Korver, on the other hand, legit fashions his moss into this glorious transgender style en route to burying dagger threes into his opponents hearts. Korver hit the go-ahead three with a minute left to win Game 1 of this series after the Bulls trailed all game. In Game 2, he hit the three to put them up five with a minute left that ended up being the difference. Sure, Rose is the MVP and I could have wasted time telling you stuff you already knew like: he can’t be guarded, his eyebrows are weird, and his insane hand tattoos don’t seem to match his docile demeanor, but that’s not as much fun.

Hope Dworaczyk was Jason Kidd's hook-up thingy until they broke up for reasons I can only suspect hinged on the fact she realized he is ugly as sin. Google her for a better picture. Before you ask, yes, she did "do Playboy or something."

Joe Johnson’s Triplewide Headband:

So, research says it has "medical relevance." Whatever.

This thing is just awful. I’m not even going too in-depth here, but Joe Johnson is wearing some form of thick circular cloth that covers his head worse than an old school dental surgeon’s wrap. I’ve seen skirts that barely cover a latin club rat’s ass with less material than whatever Joe is wearing on his head. Regardless of his lame style, the Hawks are dismantling the Magic in a remarkable turnaround from last year’s 20+ point average loss, mostly because of this…

Jamal Crawford’s Warm Up Gear: As soon as this stuff gets ripped from his body, he just immediately goes nuts. No, that last sentence is not describing a gay porn. Crawford has come off the bench to score 20 or more in all four of the Hawks games against Orlando. Sure, it helps when JJ Redick’s fauxhawk and Gilbert Arenas’ corpse are trying to guard you, but Crawford has been unreal. One respected former D1 basketball playing source of mine hates on Crawford, saying how awful he is, how he plays no defense and is an absolute pig when it comes to taking shots. I’d counter by saying when you get 20+ from one player on your bench, let alone the whole unit, nobody should complain about your defense. Keep hoisting, Jamal! Vinny “Microwave” Johnson would be proud.

You mean D Wade left his insane, overweight, high school sweetheart for Gabrielle Union?! I don't buy it...

Stay tuned for the Western Conference edition, tomorrow.


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