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Party Bus Survival Guide

April 20, 2011

Ladies and gentleman, can I please have your attention! I have just been handed an urgent and horrifying piece of news, and I need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen…

It’s Party Bus Season!

That’s right. ‘Tis the season to board a bus before noon, load that bus with mass quantities of alcohol, pick out your 32 coolest friends, fill your iPod (or iTunde) with the hottest songs possible, and prepare to take your city by shitstorm. Sure, you may be thinking, “Damn, if I do all that stuff, this bus would be harder to fc*k up than a wet dream!” Well, take it from someone who has fc*ked up his share of wet dreams: you’re wrong. You see, simply having fun on a party bus should never be the goal. The true glory comes when everyone on the bus is mid sing-along to Britney’s new “Till the World Ends” and realizes that this day has transcended sheer fun and entered a realm of bliss filled cheesecake, topped with Four Loko, fornication, fairy dust and of course, alliteration. Luckily for you, I just recently partook in this hallowed event, and am writing this guide today. Before I do that, here’s what that realm I just described looks like in female form.

I guess I could have just said its like Bar Rafaeli on a beach...

Another note before we get started. I have no idea where to insert gorgeous women in this particular blog, so they will just be strewn throughout haphazardly, or I will use a funny movie clip to emphasize my points… cool? Cool.

1. THE GUEST LIST

Perhaps the most important decision made since D Day is who gets the invite on your party bus. The first step in this process is realizing that you can’t possibly please everyone. With limited space available, you need to delicately balance the ratio of guys/girls, hot/mediocre (because you don’t chill with full-blown uggos anyway), true friends/friends of the hottest girls, and finally, out-of-town friends who help turn those awkward start of bus introductions into the tiny slices of life’s hilarity. Once your list is complete, there will be precisely six genres of guests on the bus. They are as follows.

a. Alpha Maximus

Natural born bus leaders. Little more needs to be said. They seamlessly transition the opening bus awkwardness into a full blown rave with/without the E by organizing group shotguns, shots, and or dance offs. Without these gregarious drunks, the party may never even percolate, let alone come to a full on boil of sex. I’d say more about this special breed, but you already know whether you are one or not.

b. Neonus Feminae

The rare breed of females who own neon spandex, thus feeling compelled to wear it on a day drinking bus sojourn. Really, the rest of the bus simply wonders if they bought spandex neon for any other reason. I mean, this isn’t an Eric Prydz video, this shit is real life. I digress. They are the explosively bright riders who obviously know how to party, and have the physique necessary (ie- not fat) to wear neon spandex without getting hypothetically kicked off, by society, or physically thrown off, by the rest of the bus.

c. Dormis Comatosis

While the bus is mid-song and full rage, an odd realization dawns upon one of the Alphas. “Wait a minute, I know I’m hammered, but isn’t (for this blog’s sake, we’ll say Maxwell) on this bus?!” Sure enough, lost in the shuffle of glory, is the fact that Maxwell has decided to get all fetal in the back of the bus’ pleather crevasse and pass out. Whether he missed the entire last bar stop, or simply dozed off for a Kanye-approved half an hour nap, will be forever lost in the annals of party bus lore. What matters is that he rallies. If not, well… 

d. Equus Altitudis

Sickeningly enough, there will be some person who steps onto the bus with the complete wrong attitude: retain some dignity. This person clearly needs to get off their high horse of judging, watching, look at the baby- look at the baby, and realize that the guy/girl taking turns giving each other beer showers are in fact, perfectly smitten. Judge them at your own peril, as you keep your pre-meditated party bus outfit dry and sip on your third beer in four hours. Obviously, based on the description, this species is generally compiled of the hot girl(s) and lame guy(s), because you can’t pick EVERYBODY on your bus, or just some form of the next category.

e. Awkwardae Societus

For whatever reason, God did not give everybody the same ability to be cool. For thisspecies, various social situations leave them wound tighter than the bindings of an Asians woman’s feet. They battle through disjointed conversations with strangers. Struggle from weird sexual angst with the opposite sex. Their gullets constrict when it comes time to take shots, and they generally prefer sitting in the back rather than standing by the pole in the front. Regardless, you still love them, because they are trying harder than ever, and in all seriousness, there ain’t enough room on a bus for 32 Alphas. Plus, there may be no greater social service on this planet than getting this species drunk enough to witness them pull a wildcard and turn Alpha right before your eyes. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Some Mother Theresa shit right there.

It just felt like a good time for some Kim.

f. Immigrantus Cohabitatus

If you read this species and thought to yourself, “hold up, there’s migrant day workers hopping on this bus?!” well, you’re an idiot. This species is reserved for those friends traveling from out of town for the sole purpose of a bus rage. Ironically, they most likely took a treacherous bus ride to get there. Sitting next to an actual illegal immigrant and battling the constant back-of-bus urine/stool waft, they promised themselves they’d never take another bus, again. Thankfully, party buses only reek of beer, whiskey and of course, AMERICA!

#2 THE iTUNDE PLAYLIST

The iTunde is obviously what we name our iPod playlist since our friendly neighborhood brotha, Tunde, has final say on any and all song additions. Now, unfortunately for you, Tunde may not be your friend and it might be a little uncomfortable to just send him a rando fb message inquiring for his aid on your bus’ playlist. Let me first say, I’m sorry. It is truly a shame you aren’t friends with the greatest Tunde I know. Now, since I’m super white, I’m not even going to attempt to tell you what to do. However, I also lived through this day and can clearly recall exact quotes from Tunde in breaking down his playlist preparation. So I’ll simply allow those to dictate our easy steps to making an iTunde.

Tundes gotten this look from many a white girl (miss you, young Britney!).

Step 1: “Listen man, you gotta have the white girl anthems!” Katy? Britney? Rihanna? Fergie? Rebecca Black? Welp… GANG’S ALL HERE! One of the most important aspects of any iTunde is to keep the white girls excited. You don’t want to include these artists because you’re too macho? Fine. Just know that you do this at the risk of jeopardizing your popularity in the white girl demographic. And we all know Tunde would never jeopardize his standing with white girls.

Step 2: “Look brah, ain’t nobody drunk at the beginning of the ride, so ain’t nobody singing along. Now’s when we can play jams white girls don’t know!” Ahhh, the classic caveat. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is, no, Tunde did not get a degree in psychology. He simply knows the inner psyche of any bus rider during their day along his DJ’ing journey. Slip in the lesser known, but still widely entertaining songs now, before white girls get drunk and the scene turns ugly (not visually, just, well you get it). Some suggestions: Wiz Khalifa’s “Big Screen,” Tinie Tempah’s “Written in the Stars,” and Rick Ross’ “Free Mason” to name just a few.

Step 3: “After hour two, people are starting to get pretty drunk, so you gotta hit those mothauffas with CLASSICS.” After some slightly more mellow times due to sobriety, the juices are flowing, and these songs just get everyone fired up. We’re talking Jay Z “Public Service Announcement,” Nelly “Shake Ya Tailfeather,” Biggie “Juicy,” and even some now less popular songs that used to top the iTunde charts back in ’07 like JT’s “Ayo Technology.” Also, feel free to use this time to play whatever Lonely Island song is en vogue at the time (“I Just Had Sex” or “I’m on a Boat” at ANY time).

She might not be featured on the iTunde, but her backside gets love from the blog.

Step 4: “I mean, by now people are damn near blacked out, so we gotta just get the bitch HYPED!” It is at this juncture in the bus trip that any good iTunde changes it from “amazing” to “Only Heaven’s Right Above It” as people are ripping shirts off, soaking each other in beer and raging til the cows come home. You’re obviously playing Lil Wayne, but some other songs that just turn a bus euphoric are, David Guetta’s “Give Me Everything Tonight,” Kid Cudi’s “Memories,” Kanye’s “Power Remix,” and a lesser known iTunde sleeper, Martin Solveig’s, “Hello,” just to name a few.

Step 5: “On the ride home, it really doesn’t matter what you play because there ain’t a CATDAMN person on the bus that’s remembering it.” Literally. I dare you to recall songs played in the final victory lap of your bus. It’s all just a blur of awesomeness clouded by hugs and high fives and arguing over where the bus drops everyone off. However, there may be a straggling sober person who fell into either the high-horse rider or the socially awkward categories. You never allow them to think you’re less cool, so just stuff the back end (that’s what she said) of your iTunde with more awesome songs that didn’t make the cut. Older Kanye, Jay Z, Will Smith, Donna Lewis, you get the gist.

#3 BAR SELECTION

The first major mistake that can be made during today’s journey is the seemingly obvious fact that getting off the bus will not be as much fun. That doesn’t mean steps can’t be taken to ensure the best possible time at bars you do stop at during the day. Unfortunately, the rest of society isn’t as awesome as all your friends, and may not be out at a bar day-drinking. The good news is, sports fans will be out day-drinking, because the only thing better than watching sports, is watching them drunk. Thankfully, with some minor sporting event research, you can go to the local ballpark or arena bars so that you aren’t all drinking alone.

You also may be wondering, “Why even get off the bus in the first place?” Here, there are two simple answers. One: the bus driver won’t just drive you around for six straight hours burning gas at 4 bucks a gallon and 10 miles per gallon. Two: where there is large beer consumption, there is a painful need to urinate without tearing a bladder. Sadly, not everyone on the bus can take turns getting boxed out by friends while they blast in and around the narrow mouth of a Poland Spring water bottle. This only works for a select few guys, who have no qualms soaking themselves rather than inducing a hernia from holding it. Guess you can consider me Miles Davis!

#4 FOOD

By mid-afternoon, no matter how many flavors of chips you have stocked on the bus, 32 riders will be hungrier than Somalia. In this most primal of needs, riders will do whatever it takes to nourish their body. Fortunately, the bus stops frequently enough to prevent cannibalism. Unfortunately, once the bus stops, keeping people in and around your bus can become challenging. Whether it’s the guys who have set out to find freshly grilled street meat from a sausage vendor, or some girls going to a Wagamama, everybody will struggle to make it back to the bus. For the record, I have no idea what a “Wagamama” is, but girls on our most recent bus stalked this place out, and from pictures and descriptions, they serve fresh-cut weeds in a mud sautee, and wash it down with grass-infused rain water. The key point here is to make sure your riders know to buddy up, keep in touch with someone staying near the bus, or have the bus driver on speed dial like the girl who drunkenly made friends with him (for this blog’s sake, we’ll call her an Izzabell).

#5. HOOK UPS

In one of the great sociological experiments of today’s day and age, the party bus represents a rolling petri dish of sexual pharimones. Any time you have a near-equal number of bros and hos on your bus, the natural mating rituals will take place. Amplify that by alcohol, and you are bound to get some conversations that go a lot like this:

Guy: “Hey, you uhh, I really like you’re shirt. How it like falls off your shoulder like that, but it’s DESIGNED to do that. Hot shit.”

Girl: “Oh my gah. Really?! That’s sooo funny, because like, I was trying to figure out what to wear on this bus, like FOREVER.”

Guy: “Well uhh, no, no… you totally made the right choice. I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but I’ve sort of had a crush on you ever since you were the only chick who shotgunned that beer with all of us!”

Girl: “Can I (eyes roll into head), can I tell you a secret? Shhh (violently pokes mouth with index finger), but I think you’re totally hot.”

Guy: “For real?! Wow, do you like, want to go back to the Den and play some Catch Phrase?!”

Girl: “Ughhh, I thought you’d like NEVER ASK!”

Andddd… SCENE. Boom. Hook up complete. Party bus over. Blog done. Stay Tuned.

Sorry, hate to end it abruptly, but I lost every part of this blog from beyond the introduction paragraph and had to re-write it all. It is probably my life’s biggest regret ranking just ahead of majoring in Broadcast Journalism and not going to either an SEC or Pac-10 school.

Yup. Pac-10.

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