Disney World: Magic in Recession!

April 11, 2011

In case you weren’t sure, the economy is still a mess. Wisconsin House Rep. Paul Ryan (R) presented a budget plan yesterday that says by 2037, our GDP will so far exceed the national debt (by 800%) that the Congressional Budget Office “can’t conceive of any way” for the economy to continue at its current trajectory. Well, shit, Paul, I guess I just need to bide my time for the next 26 years until everyone’s in my financial boat. I use the term”boat” loosely, as it is more like a toilet seat floating across the frigid waters off the coast of Nova Scotia, but I digress. Does anyone know what happens when the economy ceases to exist? Should I spend the next 26 years stockpiling

Recession proof.

precious metals? Maybe that’s why the lady in Georgia (country, not Peaches) destroyed all of Armenia’s internet digging for copper? Perhaps society turns to the prison cast system and cigarettes are currency? This may be good news for me, but it’s probably not great for civilization. Unfortunately, when the economy starts to suck, most other things that used to be cool, start sucking, too (except my blog, baseball and Marisa Miller, obviously).

In this particular case of other things sucking when the economy sucks, I’m talking about Disney World. My family and I went on vacation recently for a long-weekend getaway in which my dad spoke at the annual GI Joe Convention (he’s kind of a big deal). Naturally, with my blog in mind, I made some mental notes about Disney World as the trip progressed. I also spent a day at Universal Studios to see “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter” (I’m a closet fanatic), so some notes will include the glorious tribute to the nerdiest thing about me (unless collecting Pokemon cards in fifth and sixth grades counts… which it obviously doesn’t. First in the class with a complete first edition set, multiple girls asking my color requests for friendship string braceletes on the reg, first pick in dodgeball on the reg, the Denali, good times on the reg, yachts on the reg).

Here’s the official list of what sucks about Disney/is awesome about Harry Potter World.

#1- Wheelchairs on Buses: Goddamn America is getting as fat and/or old as the day is long. You know it’s bad when being obese has become a legitimate handicap. I can’t tell you how many people are just rocking out in wheelchairs like it’s en vogue or something. Shameless motherf*%$ers too. Just wiggling their legs in the bitch like theirs no tomorrow. Regular old Gene Kelly’s tap dancing their asses off in that wheelchair. Used to be, you only got a wheelchair if you were paralyzed back in ‘Nam. Nowadays, all you have to do is be so heinously obese you could seize up from anaphylactic shock to bodily movement.

Unfortunately, you don’t only have to deal with the fatties in wheelchairs. Apparently, there’s just a certain age where you qualify for a wheelchair/Rascal to move around, regardless of how functioning your legs may be. I guess it comes with your AARP card? Look, I’m all for the geriatric movement. People are getting older every single day. It’s science. I get it. But if you want to get all old, and still partake in the miracle that is strolling Disney World with your great-great grandchild who you regale with Civil War tales from your days of yore, I gotta draw the line. There comes a time in every self-respecting old person’s life where they just have to embrace “Depends” and sit around in their own filth watching PBS. Personally, I can think of no nobler way to go out. Guns blazing, diaper strapped.

I’ll never forget one of the most classic quotes I ever heard my grandfather drop. Back when my aunt broke her knee and wanted to go to the mall in a wheelchair, he plainly stated, “You’re a cripple, you don’t go out in public. You don’t show weakness.” Total bad ass, my grandpa. Homie is still climbing and repairing pitched roofs three stories up while all I do is hold the ladder for him. America could learn a thing or nine from him. If you want to be fat or old to the point of immobility, you better prepare to sacrifice some perks. Like Disney’s public transportation.

#2- Disney’s Public Transportation System.

Picture the scene: 48 men and women are watching you; angry, hot, tired and toting a passed out child covered in glitter, face paint and Tinkerbell dust. Slowly, a mechanized plank descends from the back door. You could ride Splash Mountain in the time it takes for that plank to reach ground level. Then, waving the white flag of utter dependancy, you get wheeled onto the plank by a Disney employee. If the painful descent down wasn’t enough, you are now on full display as that plank embarks on its treacherous ascent back into that back door. While all those 48 people have over two minutes to let their emotions come to a boil, you are now public enemy number one. You are the person, who got wheeled up to the bus stop, cut the entire line, and somehow, got your family on the bus too.

It cuts to the core value of present-day America’s pride. People have no shame. I made this problem #2 with Disney, and not just another aspect of the wheelchair problem discussed in issue #1 because the public transportation system, as a whole, is flawed. You’re a shmuck if you aren’t staying on the monorail in Disney World. Trust me on this. Sack up and plunk down the extra $100 a night and don’t mix with the everyday serfs who hoist foldable strollers onto buses that aren’t running as frequently as years before, as they mutter their way through another “magical” journey to one of the parks.

#3 Americans Just Aren’t Happy

When the economy sucks, people start sucking as much as anything else. That’s the current state of America. Everyone is just sucking. Frankly, if I’m a parent in present-day America, I’m home-schooling my kids and censoring their immersal into social media of any form just to stop them from knowing about Mickey Mouse and his goddamn world. First off, there’s no way in hell I’m going to Disney World and letting some redneck from Alabama show me up by getting his daughter the supreme princess package at Cinderella’s castle for 300 bucks. Complete with a gown, hair and makeup, MaryAnnLouise Countrybum isn’t outshining my future, hypothetical daughter around Magic Kingdom. Problem is, MaryAnnLouise’s daddy just re-financed the trailer to pay for everything she wants. Granted, her imaginary father may be better than my future, hypothetical fatherhood, but that guy is ruining it for every other self-respecting father walking around Disney World.

Unfortunately, that’s not even the biggest problem. The single biggest problem in Disney World are these goddamn red, light up Mickey Mouse ear ballons, that are inside a larger clear balloon. Every little kid wants one, and once one gets it, the shitstorm has just started for every other parent in the park. I don’t even blame these people for walking around pissed off all day. If I just got bludgeoned by my toddlers tears into paying $8 for a f*%#ing balloon, I’d yuke all over myself, then lap it up like a sick dog. Then, when you’re done vomming, the kid gives YOU the balloon to carry all day since they suck and got bored with it after 6.2 seconds, because, let’s be honest, it’s a balloon for f*@k’s sake. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, you’re middling through a Dow Jones drop due to all these wars in the Middle East, the rise in oil prices, and you just had your 401k cut in half. Of course Americans aren’t happy. Even in Disney World!

#4 Harry Potter World is Sex

Not gonna lie, I expected it to be bigger. But “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter” located inside Universal’s Islands of Adventure is a must-see for any Harry Potter fan. I’m talking, all ages, but especially the 18-25 demographic. You see, us 20-somethings grew up with Harry. His first book came out

Hogwarts new dress code?

sometime in elementary school and went right up through college for many of us. Sipping on a butterbeer, gnawing at a Turkey leg and buying a personalized wand only add to the fact that this place took all the images from the books, and made them a reality, for the low park-entry price of 82 dollars (or, $132 if you’re like me and upgraded to skip all the lines, thus ensuring a complete Harry experience).


Add to all that glory the fact that there are just tons of fine muggle chicks in their 20s living out a wizarding fantasy and you really have a dream scenario for a guy like me. I’m just saying, you find a pureblood walking around Hogsmeade, and the best pickup line possible is, “Hey, toots, wanna make a mudblood?” If you didn’t get that joke, don’t worry, you just suck and don’t like Harry Potter.

#5 Universal is Disney’s Slutty Counterpart

The title here says it all. It’s just an older, trashier, Six Flags feel going down at Universal. Tramp stamps all over the place. Latin chicks with their shirts all tied up. University of Central Florida coeds tearing up the park for one of their senior events (if you went when I did, at least). It’s a totally different vibe. Their rides are more dangerous than Disney’s and require kids to be way taller and test out the seats to make sure they fit. The flooms legitimately soak you to the point of being uncomfortable. There are less employees, less garbage barrels, more weird hair beading places, and an overall less appealing family atmosphere. If Disney is Jennifer Aniston, Universal is Angelina Jolie.

Stay Tuned…


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