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Christmas Gifts to the NFL’s Biggest Stories

December 23, 2010

‘Tis the effing season, and I don’t care what denomination you are, I’m giving out Christmas gifts to the most relevant names in the NFL, today. I’m doing this on Christmas Eve’s Eve because immediately after this post, I will be clouded by Sam Winter Lager and spiked egg nog until the birth of sweet baby Jesus. If you’re a Jew and you’re reading this, just convert any of these “Christmas” gifts into a “Channukah” gift (but the big one on the last night that Jews use to keep their kids as happy as Christians). If you’re an atheist and you’re reading this, you probably won’t believe me, either. If you’re an agnostic and you’re reading this, you won’t have any opinion on the blog anyway, so nobody cares. Before I get to the athletes gifts, here’s one for all you devoted readers…

 

Alice "Christmas Eve-Eve" Eve

REX RYAN:

THE STORY: When news broke about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish, it almost seemed too insanely awesome to believe. If you haven’t heard yet, Rex and his wife have been tabbed as the couple who created the “famous” Youtube videos for username: Ihaveprettyfeet. They are undeniably the creepiest videos ever, but since I like normal hot-girl-things, like breasts and butts, I can’t tell you where they reside on the “foot-fetish creepy” 1-10 scale. I’m guessing somewhere along the lines of a 3. Basically, sexy Rexy’s wife lounges with her feet prominently displayed while he roleplays with her a little before rubbing/smelling her pedi-digits. Somewhere in a dimly lit room, sinisterly aglow by the light of his laptop, Bill Belichick is smirking at this story. Hard. But not as hard as Rex whilst sniffing feet.

THE GIFT: A GODDAMN SNACK! About the only thing that could make Rex forget about feet in a time like this. (Language NSFW- but who works these days?)

BRETT FAVRE:

THE STORY: I’ve already covered his sexting scandal with that pile of hotness, Jenn Sterger, and since nothing makes me more mad than Brett Favre coverage on ESPN, I’ll keep this short. Last Monday, when Favre played with an injured shoulder that originally ruled him “OUT” for the week, ESPN was hard like a dog in heat, since they televise Monday Night Football. On the second drive of the game, Favre got swallowed whole by an enormous, irrelevant Bears D-lineman. Slammed into the freezing, icy turf Favre remained huddled in a concussed heap. The next morning, my dad commented to me: “I hope that’s how the guy goes down in history… ignominiously.” After you looked up the word, you get what he meant now. Good work, Dad. Agreed.

THE GIFT: Time Machine– This way, some of us could remember Brett when he was good and… nominious? Wait, the red squiggly lines told me that’s not the opposite of ignominious. One second… “glorious” works. But not quite this glorious…

One thing Brett's 3rd Retirement Brought Us: Jenn Sterger Back in our Google Image Search

ELI MANNING:

THE STORY:After one of the greatest collapses in NFL history by the New York Giants, Eli showed up for his post-game press conference. Normally, you might think the quarterback who choreographed a 21 point choke job in the final 8 minutes of a game would have lots of people asking questions. Until you realize that Eli Manning has the personality of a baked potato, and this happened…

Trent Dilfer effing NAILED his analysis: “Dude comes up with a backpack on, straight out of study hall…” Who knew Trent could write for the Revolver?! Anyway, let’s figure out what we can give Eli…

THE GIFT: A Personality (i.e. Twitter account)– Any time you get to give an inanimate gift to a human being who may as well be inanimate, it’s a good thing. Unfortunately, it’s safe to assume Santa really hates these requests. How does one get a personality?! TWITTER! Eli is all rich and shit. I mean Forbes can’t even quantify how much his endorsement deal with the Citizen Eco Drive is. He can definitely pay a gremlin to maintain his twitter. I envision tweet wars between him and @OchoCinco now. Pretty soon, Eli could be giving away Trick Daddy’s lime green impala (true story, Ocho is doing this), and getting some actual professionals to roll up to his post-games. Adam Schefter isn’t trying to break real news, Eli, he just wants to get his tweet game on.

MICHAEL VICK

THE STORY: He tied and gagged Eli’s team in the historic 21-point come-from-behind win with 8 minutes left, then had his way with them using a shake weight. Now, he is making a serious run at the MVP. It’s odd that in a section under Michael Vick’s name entitled “The Story” I’m not talking about the brutal pitbull genocides committed on Vick’s grounds and under his watch, which led to his imprisonment. But that’s how well he’s playing quarterback. Vick is doing it with lots of talent around him, as evidenced by now-backup, Kevin Kolb’s two wins in three starts during a Vick mid-season injury. Unfortunately, he needs one more thing before he actually wins the MVP.

THE GIFT: Men In Black Mind Eraser Laser– Sorry, Mike, but people can’t actually forget this soon. I mean, we’ve all seen what those dogs who actually lived were left looking like. It looked like Hollywood CGI’d scars and holes and removed ears, only it actually happened. Maybe next year, voters can look past it, but you’re not even playing as well as this next guy, so you don’t deserve the MVP anyway.

It’s time for a picture, and since Vick’s dogs are grotesque looking, here’s the exact opposite…

Does this really need a caption? Use your imagination. Oh yeah, that's Vida Guerra, in case you wanted to google or something?

TOM BRADY

THE STORY: Tom Brady is doing stuff that has never been seen on a football field before. Weeks ago, Steve Young was a legitimate pool of man crush trying to analyze Brady’s quarterback play. Somewhere along his rambling blubbering rant, Young called Brady an artist, and basically said he’s running the West Coast so well, it would give the offense’s creator, Bill Walsh, a wet dream that only Rose O’Donnell could eff up. Brady has thrown 292 consecutive passes without a pick. In that span of eight weeks, he has thrown 21 touchdowns. Best of all, he’s doing all this with a receiving corps consisting of: two rookie tight ends, two undrafted runnings backs, an undrafted leading receiver (Wes Welker) and a washed-up old vet who now looks unbelieveable thanks to Brady (Deion Branch). Oh yeah, and the Patriots have the best record in the NFL with Brady, as opposed to maybe being .500 without him.

THE GIFT: https://coltsrevolver.wordpress.com Honestly, what do you give perfection? The perfect blog to read about your perfection. Brady has three super bowl rings (and maybe four), an MVP (and maybe two), Gisele (and Bridget Moynahan), millions of dollars, a chin dimple and he’s now the face of UGG Men’s. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

WRAP UP: Well, there you have it. The five biggest names in the NFL leading up to Christmas, and they’ve all received what their hearts most require. Except Rex Ryan, he just wants to sniff feet. Maybe hers, but not because he’s attracted to anything but her pinky toe…

Allesandra Ambrosio requires Christmas gifts I could never give her.

Stay tuned…

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