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Rex Ryan Swallows Bill Belichick’s Rings, Whole.

December 7, 2010

If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t been watching the Bill Belichick era of the New England Patriots. If you thought the Jets may hang around last night, you haven’t been watching. If you thought this game would resemble anything close to the first meeting in September, you haven’t been watching. If you thought Mark Sanchez’s status as a sex symbol could ever rival that of Tom Brady’s, you must be Mexican. In what can only be described as football genocide, the New England Patriots went out last night and disgraced the New York Jets worse than the high school offensive line holding down the freshman kicker and forcing phallic objects inside of him. Rex Ryan may be the NFL’s coaching jester, but Bill Belichick is still royalty.

This all started two years ago, when the Jets named Ryan their new head coach. During Ryan’s first press conference, he announced that he wasn’t going to kiss Belichick’s rings. Since then, the New York and national

When you need suspenders, you've eaten too much over multiple decades.

media have developed a weird crush on a fat ugly guy with what appear to be false teeth, but could just have Mormon lineage. Since then, Ryan has basically been a buffoon of Chris Farley’s ilk, yucking, guffawing and even wearing costumes and wigs to make fun of his own brother during press conferences. Along the way, he has taken repeated shots at the enormous, three-time championship winning dynasty of an elephant in his division. His most recent comment leading up to the Monday Night Genocide read: “I came here to win. As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that’s the truth. That’s just the way it is.”

In classic Belichick fashion, he didn’t take the reporters bait, but instead made everyone else in the room feel inferior. Sort of like every other coach in the league. “That’s what we’re here for. Is that a news story? Is that something you didn’t know? Patriots and Jets want to win the game? I’m not surprised that they expect to win the game, they’re confident, so are we,” Belichick responded with the wryest of smiles. As soon as that press conference aired, I knew the game was a lock. What I didn’t know is how ugly things would get for the Jets.

All you needed to know about Ryan’s strategy last night, and confidence in his team, could be seen on the Jets opening drive. On 3rd and 1 after a failed sneak by Sanchez, Ryan challenged the spot that seemed to be clearly short. After losing the challenge bringing up 4th and 1, the Jets went for it inside their own territory. Sure, they picked it up, but that is not how a confident team plays in the NFL. They punt, pin the opponent back and let their defense (which Rex calls the best greatest most amazing defense, probably, of all-time: past, present and future) do their jobs. After a hooked field goal that didn’t reach the uprights, Tom Brady took over and engineered a 4th and 3 slant to Deion Branch that put the Patriots up 10-0. Not only did they never look back, the Patriots stepped on the gas and headed for the border (which is where Sanchez should have gone to avoid this abortion).

 

Tehehehe. Too soon?

When it was all over, the Patriots won 45-3. It felt more like 450-3. Brady amassed 326 yards, 4tds, obviously 0 picks, and one more virtuoso performance against a team that pissed him and his coach off. Mark Sanchez looked like a virgin at a Vivid shoot, throwing up a 0 TD, 3 INT game. But don’t think I’m just being tough on Sanchez, because from top to bottom, the Jets resembled the sisters of the poor. Even their first punt of the night was a shank job that went about 12 yards, which if you weren’t sure, isn’t good.

The best Jets player last night is actually a Patriot. Danny Woodhead went through training camp with the Jets until they decided he wasn’t good enough to play for them. Too small. Not strong enough. Perfect for Bill Belichick. All Woodhead did was lead the Patriots in receiving yards against his old team with 104. Amongst all the huge physical specimens on the Jets roster, a 5’7” white boy from division II Chadron St. in Nebraska made them all look foolish. It was like watching a bear try to hug a mouse every time Woodhead ran with the ball. You can imagine Belichick broke out that wry smile more than once last night.

This is the sight that has millions of males across New England wishing they could get some Woodhead.

If you’re looking for good news as a Jets fan, you can find solace in the fact that you won’t have to play New England until next season. This team has struggled for weeks, “finding ways to win” against weak opponents that should probably more accurately be described as “having a horseshoe up their sphincter.” This Jets team doesn’t rush the passer, they give up a lot of yards, and their Quarterback is still wet behind the ears (that’s not a Mexican joke, it’s an age joke). None of that wins in December and January.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are only getting better week-to-week. Their defense which ranked last in most yardage statistics coming into last night is starting to gel. They are young, but they make big plays, and the Patriots rarely lose a turnover battle (thanks to Brady, and the fact that Benjarvus Green-Ellis has still yet to fumble in his NFL career). The offense is clicking on all cylinders now that Brady and the Pats are back to playing midget-ball sans Randy Moss. The aformentioned Green-Ellis and Woodhead have actually turned into arguably the most successful two-back tandem in the league (seriously?! Yes).

After last night, It's official, the hair is gorgeous.

If that’s not enough, there’s always that one kicker in the Patriots hand. Bill Belichick. Love him or hate him, he always gets seems to get the last smirk.

Oh yeah, here’s Marissa Miller. The only girl worthy of the Patriots performance last night.

Just give me the Woodhead!

Stay Tuned…

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