h1

Smorgasblog II: Four Loko, Tony Parker, Unfriend Day, Etc.

November 17, 2010

Smell that? It’s another wonderful buffet of steaming hot Smorgasblog! I just want to lead off today’s entry with a quick thank you to last Smorgasblog’s guide, the lovely Rosie Jones! Gracing the pixels of my

You have big... shoes to fill, Kristin.

blog is always a big thrill for the smoking hot women who have no idea this blog exists. But, for Rosie Jones, something magical has happened since she guided you through my last Smorgasblog. Some time last week, the Revolver started getting over 100 hits a day for no apparent reason. Upon further review, those hits were pouring in because for whatever reason, google is referencing the Revolver when people are googling “rosie jones.” The only explanation is that boobs are in fact the mystical power that the Fellowship of the Ring hoped to harness. In this upcoming part deux of Smorgasblog, Rosie has given way to the Maxim Hometown Hotties 2009 winner, Kristin Gustafson. With the 2010 winner being named soon, Kristin has only a couple months left as the ultimate Hometown Hottie, so giving her this honor may be the last good thing to ever happen in her life. Unless you consider marrying for money a good thing, in which case she will have absolutely no problem finding a rich silver fox who pops Levitra like skittles and smells like cedar, gold bond, and preparation H. In this Smorgasblog you will find commentary on Four Loko, Tony Parker and Unfriend Day.

 

Take it away, Kristin...

Dish #1: Four Loko

By now, you should have drank it. If you’ve drank it, you’ve loved it. If you’ve loved it too much, you’ve probably blacked out, and removed pieces of clothing en route. Along the way, you undoubtedly cultivated friendships with strangers at the bar, and possibly destroyed relationships that were built upon years of good memories, because you got on a karaoke mic, and outed a friend for cheating on his girlfriend with his hot neighbor from 3B. Unfortunately, all that amazingness is being strapped down and waterboarded by the same people who made Coca-Cola remove the actual cocaine from it… the FDA. Obviously, none of these people ever elected to drink Four Loko on their own and see how it makes them feel. With cautionary reviews of the drink spreading like lice at Woodstock, Four Loko has earned these phenomenal nicknames: “Blackout in a Can” “Liquid Cocaine” “Coke in a Can” “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” “Liquid Roofies” and my personal favorite “Stripper Mixed with Choir Girl Dipped in Paradise Riding a Rainbow Along the Crystal Coast of Bliss” (editor’s note: that last nickname won’t be found on google, until this gets posted to all the internets).

Exactly! Who wouldn’t want to drink that stuff! Well, university officials and state lawmakers, for two. In a maneuver that has become as American as apple pie, the government is once again making up the minds of its people by banning the drink in certain states. First, they decided you could die for the country at 18 but couldn’t drink liquor until 21, and now, when you are 21, you can’t drink a highly caffeinated alcoholic beverage because you might drink too much, and wake up naked in a snowstorm outside your front door with the keys in the doorknob. Thankfully, that last scenario didn’t actually happen to me. Oddly, it’s the first scenario I conjured up stream of consciously. The smorgasblog rolls on! Kristin…

Maxim gets girls shirts unbuttoned as much as Four Loko.

Dish #2: Tony Parker Cheats on Eva Longoria

Wait, you didn’t think a Belgian-born, French basketball player who works in San Antonio could marry a Mexican-American actress who works in Los Angeles, and everything wouldn’t work out? Oh wait, you’re right. Turns out, even though his name and ability to play basketball don’t make him seem French, Tony Parker is in fact le douche of le day. I’m not saying it takes a pathetic Frenchman to cheat on his wife (see: Woods, Tiger), but I am saying it takes a rare form of cold-blooded frog to do so with his teammates wife. Sure enough, after a bit of espionage, Tony was in fact rendezvousing with Erin Barry, the wife of his ex-teammate, Brent Barry (i’ve officially used every french-english word I know).  Sure, Erin’s a milf and all, but Tony really couldn’t keep it in his pants until Eva was done filming her crap TV show? Fortunately, since she’s made her name as a Desperate Housewife Eva should have no problem playing the role of desperate ex-wife, now that she is divorcing Tony. Personally, I always thought Eva could do better than a creepy looking Frenchman with a shaved head and weird scars all over it. Turns out, he always thought he could do better than a smoking hot latin woman who makes millions of dollars. Funny how that works. Kristin…

Kristin would never fall for a Frenchie.

Dish #3: Unfriend Day

Since you didn’t see it live on Jimmy Kimmel, because nobody watches his show, you may not have even read about it on the internet. However, today is apparently “Unfriend Day” on Facebook, in an interesting stunt by Kimmel to be funny. The concept is simple: go on Facebook and unfriend anybody who isn’t actually your friend. Naturally, I am against this day, because I have plenty of people I’m not actually “friends” with who I keep just to see their picture uploads after Halloween and Spring break. This concept is so flawed, I’m not surprised it originated from Kimmel, whose only contribution to the comedy world is the Entourage episode which culminates with Drama triumphantly announcing “Great F*@$ING NIGHT.”

Dish #4: Bill Nye the Science Guy

Any contemporary of mine remembers the amazing scientific feats performed by Bill Nye. We also remember that electro-pop intro music. He’s the first person to teach us how many pennies it takes to break a cup’s meniscus, or that lying on a bed of nails hurts less than lying on one nail due to surface area and pressure. But, In a recent lecture at USC on global warming, Bill Nye suddenly passed out. Unfortunately for Bill, the students in attendance elected not to go help him, but first updated their Facebook and Twitter accounts. When Nye came to he said he “felt like Lady Gaga.” I have no idea wtf that meant, but it doesn’t make it any less awesome. Just not as awesome as Kristin Gustafson.

 

Thanks for all your hard work in the Smorgasblog, Kristin!

Stay tuned…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: