Things That Are Less Popular Than BP

September 29, 2010

I read lots of articles online, but very rarely does a headline make me as warm inside as the one I saw today. It read: “Pelosi: As Unpopular as BP.” It’s not every day you get to see one of your least favorite politicians compared to the greatest accidental oil-related catastrophe, ever. (Awesome side-note you probably didn’t know: The largest oil spill ever was actually done on purpose. You guessed it… that sick bastard Saddam Hussein decided to dump somewhere between 380 and 520 million gallons of oil into the Arabian Gulf off Kuwait to keep US forces from landing in Iraq. Epic fail).

Alas, today, I actually got to see this. Tickled as I was, this got me thinking: what are some of the worst things in my life, and would they be as unpopular in my eyes as BP? First off, BP isn’t really THAT unpopular in my eyes. For some reason, the part of my brain that is supposed to feel bad for helpless wildlife covered in liquid black gold, isn’t fazed. I actually kept finding myself feeling worse and worse for BP throughout the spill. Every day they were hemorrhaging not only oil, but money and shareholders. Perhaps I simply love capitalism too much.

I know. I'm a terrible person. But this did not move the needle on my emotionometer.

Fortunately, I can understand how some people (especially the Green Peace weirdos on college campuses) would think that being as unpopular as BP would make someone about as popular as a fart in church. Since I know firsthand how popular a fart in church is… I present you my personal list of the first 7 things that came to mind that are as unpopular as BP (or a fart in church).

1- Nancy Pelosi: Aside from being an elderly woman who probably smells like a mix of prune juice and designer perfume, she speaks for a house that has passed a healthcare reform bill that will probably get repealed, and a “stimulus” bill that has just sent us into a double-dip recession while creating jobs that cost anywhere between 500,00 and 2 million per job, and increased the country’s federal debt by nearly 2.5 trillion. Yes, trillion with a “T.” I’m no economist, but that’s like a lot of billions, and can’t be good. The more I read this, it’s almost an insult to BP that Pelosi is being compared to them, and not the other way around. I mean, really… what’s a few gulf fish and birds in the long run?

2- Girls in Huge Sunglasses: An issue nearly as important as our country’s healthcare, economy and national debt, is the current sunwear epidemic sweeping the nation. For whatever reason, detached fashion

She must be hiding SOMETHING... but maybe not. But probably.

designers sitting around in Europe, smoking long cigarettes, eating crepes and hating America decided sunglasses should now cover over 70% of female faces. Like water on the earth’s surface, girls now don enormous pieces of plastic with temple-stampled “Gucci” “DG” or “Prada” on their faces. Fortunately for ugly girls, they look almost exactly like hot girls now. Unfortunately for guys, ugly girls look almost exactly like hot girls now. If that’s not as unpopular a movement as BP, I don’t know what is…

3- Ben Roetlisberger: What a piece of garbage this guy is. Sometimes, when you’re 6’4” and fat, but you’re the starting quarterback of the Steelers and have won two Super Bowls, you feel as though you deserve to get women who won’t care that you’re fat, I guess. When that doesn’t work for you, you decide rape is the next best thing to consent. You don’t even wait to roofie a girl and get her home in a bed, you trap her in a bathroom at a nightclub and have one of your “bodyguards” block off the hallway. Yeah, this makes you as unpopular as BP. (Awesome side-note: You also happen to be my starting quarterback in two fantasy leagues as soon as you return from suspension. Hey, this is a business, and I have no problem rooting for your statistics. GO BEN!”

Trust me, Moms... you aren't this hot in a bikini.

4- Women Over 40 in Bikinis: With summer winding down, one image is seared into my memory and it is as unpopular as BP. Old moms wearing bikinis. Seriously, unless you’re Jennifer Aniston, you shouldn’t be 40+ and wearing a bikini, and let’s be honest, you’re not as insane as Jennifer Aniston (future blog entry to come on how insane Jennifer Aniston must be). We don’t need to see how 40 years of gravity has effected your skin, and flab. More importantly, we definitely don’t need to see that C scar the little annoying kid, who keeps kicking sand in my face, popped out of.

5- Autumn: No, she’s not an ex-girlfriend, she’s that 1/4 of Mother Nature that bitch slaps me 3 months a year. It’s bad enough you used to represent the start of school and another Yankees World Series (until 2004), but you add to it the end of warm weather, the dropping of leaves, and shorter darker days. In a couple weeks, it will be pitch black and 36 degrees by 4PM. Raking leaves sucks. Apple picking is as boring as the WNBA. Pumpkin picking is even worse, like, LPGA bad. Some morons out there will say the foliage is worth it. I’ll say Google images would suffice. Doing no research at all, I’m also going to guarantee that suicide rates spike in the Northeast during this season. I say that because I doubt people enjoy their own self as much as I do, and the thought of offing myself creeps into the back of my mind at times during Autumn.

6- Sushi: Cold, uncooked fish wrapped in seaweed and rice. Only yuppie liberals could possibly turn this into a fashionable trend in food. Wow, it comes with soy sauce and pieces of ginger and wasabi? Get me some fried rice with General Tsao’s chicken or I don’t want any part of asian culinary conquests. If you’re a guy and you’re reading this getting upset that I am hating on sushi, you probably suck. If you’re a girl, it’s cool, I don’t want to share any of your odd eating habits any way (especially those of the binge and purge ilk). In the interest of full disclosure, I have eaten Sushi before, and probably will again. Only I’ll be on my 5th or 6th saki bomb, and fiending something to shovel into my stomach that is drenched in the salty goodness of Soy Sauce.

7- Bikers: You are not Lance Armstrong. You probably have two testicles. You

If you don't look like this on a bike... get a car, please.

definitely haven’t won a Tour de France. Get out of your spandex and off the effing road. I do not care that you’re being green, and have less than 4% body fat, I have no qualms taking my right and having you ride into my passenger-side door. My door will be fine, you won’t. These people are the road’s version of an annoying itch you can’t reach on your back. Bonus points if you bike in actual street lanes like you deserve all the rights of a motorist. If you really feel that way, let’s play one game of chicken. I guarantee a win.

Rest assured, there are lots of other things that are less popular than BP: like genital warts, people with poor grammar and hangovers. However, they weren’t the first seven things I thought of, and I don’t really know how to expand on genital warts, people with poor grammar or hangovers, because I’ve never experienced them personally. Maybe one day soon I’ll blog about how I’ve never had a hangover, but until then, this entry will have to suffice.

Stay tuned…


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