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The 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses

September 23, 2010

It’s odd that on an afternoon in which Facebook isn’t loading properly, I would write about the genres of statuses. But, I figure by the time I finish writing this, the site will be back humming like the well-oiled machine Mark Zuckerberg has now made billions off. When you leave this blog and go back on Facebook, these are the 9 statuses you are bound to see upon scrolling down your news feed. Without further ado, I present the 9 Genres of Facebook Statuses…

THE KANYE: This status is the one where some obnoxious friend leaves a line about how awesome they are, and what they’ve done today to make themselves feel even more awesome. Only, nobody else could even remotely care. This person has been hidden on my news feed.

Example: Raped my Physics lab today, sometimes cramming the night before is all you need (self-like).

Just finished the quantitative analysis of (insert generic financial company here) before lunch! Time for Sushi…

THE MEATHEAD: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday you get treated to one of your friends statuses entered religiously between three and five o’clock. We get it, bro, you’re lifting weights… again. Why people need to know your workout schedule is beyond me. This person has not been hidden on my news feed, because I still chuckle every time I see the status.

Examples: Lifting; Quick Lift then a Hyper-Protein Dinner; Blasting my Pecs and Tris; Embarrassing people at the gym; Throwing Weight around; Grunting homo-erotically while (insert generic friend name) spots me (okay that last one was a joke, sort of).

THE EMINEM: For whatever reason, a white kid dropping a rap lyric as their status is always hilarious. If you’re from a suburb, you definitely see these all the time, since half the people you are facebook friends with, wish they were rappers. Thankfully, you get treated to these gems throughout the day. You definitely don’t hide this friend, you just laugh at the irony of their latest line.

Examples:

Seamus McFlaherty is IT WAS ALL A DREAM, I USED TO READ WORD UP MAGAZINE. SALT N’ PEPPA AND HEAVY D UP IN THE LIMOUSINE;

Patrick Whitewood is ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS HOV, H TO THE O-V. I USED TO MOVE SNOWFLAKES BY THE O-Z.

THA GURL: (Colt, you spelled girl wrong! Oh wait, I know where you’re going with this one) For whatever reason, some r-words still think they are in 8th grade talking to their crush on AIM when they post this status. These people get hidden on my news feed

Example: Outtieszzz wit muh gurlieszzz. Gr8 nite 2 c Step Up 3D!

Sum1 shud tell guyz dat they are azzholeszzzz. Ugh, WTF!!!

THE SORORITY GIRL: If you went to college, it probably became socially unacceptable to drop this status in “Tha Gurl” form. But this is a distant cousin. For whatever reason, girls join sororities, and then fall in love with everything about that affiliation. They get a “big, grandbig, little, grandlittle, half-big, half-little” and whatever other remote incestuous title can be given. Unfortunately, you don’t hide this person because they are in a sorority and most likely half-cute.

Example:

Sarah Bernstein: HAS THE BEST BIG EVERRRR. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BIGGIE. CANT WAIT FOR CHAPTERRRR AND BID NIGHT!

Christina White: CANNOT WAIT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS MIXERRR… WHERE MY OFFICE HOES ATTT BAHAHA!!!

Marissa Cohen: (508): So I woke up in his t-shirt, one high heel, and wrapped around the toilet. Needless to say “Mission Stay Sober” was really “Mission Impossible” FML. ❤ TFLN!!! (if you didn’t get that last one, you suck).

THE SHAKESPEARE: One of the best statuses out there, this one is simply a direct quote of something awesome. Whether it’s an epic line from Wedding Crashers that is used in everyday life, a friends hungover text (but for the love of god not a TFLN) or just a great quote while in normal physical interaction (you know, when you’re not on facebook). It also may be an uncited hilarious TV/Movie quote that people need to get on their own. If not, so be it. These are usually hilarious, or awful… but either way, this person does not get hidden.

Example:

“When I woke up, I thought I was still in the middle of the dance floor being handed another drink. Guess that’s where my blackout occured last night.”

“You’re my boy, Blue!”

THE NOTEBOOK: Because everyone knows that every potential relationship, and ruined relationship, needs to be announced to the Facebook Community, people often choose sappy movie/song lyrics. This status could have been named The Taylor Swift. These get super annoying. Depending on the level of your friendship, this person should probably be hidden. Unless she’s super hot.

Examples:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird”

“Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think”

THE LOHAN: Much like its namesake, this talentless, coked-up slut of a status provides nothing to your news feed. Generally consisting of mundane shit that normal, cool people would never consider putting as their status, you have 100% hidden this person. As a bonus, this person may also end all these statuses with “<3 you (Name of significant other)!!!”

Examples: “Good night”; “Sleep”, “Bed”, “Dinner”, “Homework”, “Work til 5”; “So bored”

THE COLT: To everyone who gets treated to my statuses, they generally get a wonderful mix of super-conservative critiques on government, insightful commentary on sports, and humorous musings on life. Much like this blog, if you have a core group of facebook friends who can consistently conjur up “The Colt” status, consider yourself lucky.

Examples:

“Obamas approval rating hits ANOTHER low. Guess the honeymoon’s over.”

“If LeBron James were a foreign dictator, he’d be Fidel Castro. Because nobody outside of Miami likes him.”

“Whenever I get down on myself, I read a bunch of boring people’s statuses and realize how much cooler I am than them.”

So there you have it folks. The 9 genres of Facebook Statuses. Strive for greatness. Nobody wants to be so lame, every single day, that they get hidden.




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