Time for a Haircut, Tom Brady

September 20, 2010

Until now, everyone in New England has refused to address the big messy elephant in the room: Tom Brady’s hair. Granted, when you’ve been blessed with an arm that David would be envious of in his preparation to fight Goliath, a supermodel wife that Christ himself would be jealous of, and a chin dimple that words do no justice, you might stop caring about what the rest of you actually looks like every day. However, the current catastrophe resting atop Tom Brady’s head has reached inexcusable proportions. Who can forget the days of the young, clean-cut Brady leading his team to final minute Super Bowl winning drives? Every male Patriots fan ages 18-55 has one of the most raging man-crushes ever developed between a fan and pro athlete.

Unfortunately, it’s time to call a f*$@ing terrible hairstyle, a f*$@ing terrible hairstyle. Trapped somewhere between the hippies of the 60s and heavy metal rockers of the 80s, with a heterosexually-questionable aura of  the mid-head part of early 90s geeks, and the lengthy sway of Justin Bieber, lies the present-day state of affairs with Brady’s hair. WBZ 38 in Boston did some investigative questioning themselves in slideshow fashion…copy and paste the following to see for yourself…


When your Quarterbacks head looks like a 16 year-old teeny bopper's... well, it just sucks.

All this talk about hair would be irrelevant if Brady had won a Super Bowl since 2004. Unfortunately, it’s been six years since the Patriots dynasty ended. The 2007 18-1 season that concluded with a Super Bowl loss and my own personal life spiral that has still not been recovered from notwithstanding, the team has just been good, not great. I can argue that it starts at the top. Yes, with Brady’s hair. One look at his Super Bowl winning photos and the answer is simple: go back to the buzz, Tom. Before you cared about fashion, wore Yankees hats, and banged the hottest woman on Earth, you rocked the buzz, dated a nearly-as-hot Massachusetts girl, and made less money than your dad (which made you the first Quarterback to win a Super Bowl and hold that financial status. Brady’s dad, by the way, is like some CEO millionaire. I know, the guy has led a pretty tough life).

Little did we know, those boyish good looks would create a monster... one that currently sits on top of Tom's forehead.

Somewhere along the way, Tom lost his inner sense of the humble kid who was drafted 199th overall. His talents and looks simply took over. Granted, the same sometimes happens to myself, but at the end of the month, there’s always a good haircut waiting for me. So Tom, how about you find a barber who can provide you with the fresh 2-clipper on the sides blended to a 4 on top, and we get back to winning some Super Bowls. Or at the very least, we win the division and don’t have to watch the Jets and their tub of lard coach fist pump their way towards the playoffs.


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