Why Now, Colt?!

September 16, 2010

I know what you’re all thinking. “Gee, if I could pick one friend of mine who would probably write one of the wittiest, poignant, entertaining blogs, Colt would at least be third or fourth. Why hasn’t he done one yet!?”And you are absolutely right, I am late in making this blog. I’m sorry for having kept you all from getting to read my rants on whatever sports, politics, sexist, pop culture issues I can.

Honestly, I have always found the whole blog thing self-indulgent. Why should anyone care what I think? They have their own thoughts, I thought to myself. But then, I caught myself reading Facebook statuses consisting of nothing more than “Good night,” “Class then work,” or “Food” and I thought differently to myself. I realized that some people just aren’t very interesting. Actually, most people kind of suck. For that reason, It’s time to break through the malaise of everyday blogs and bring you this piece of awesomeness. Just think, I already used the word “malaise” and we’re only on paragraph two, the possibilities of this thing are endless.

If you don’t know who I am, I will give a quick synopsis now. After doing the whole, get good grades, get into good college, graduate college, get good job… I have hit a wall in the last item of that list. When I was 12 years old, I found myself batting 7th on my all-star baseball team and realized most Major Leaguers didn’t hit 7th on their all-star teams. So, I made the decision that I would announce the games of guys who were better at baseball than me, because I could at least speak better than them. Aside from an obsession with sports that almost got me into a fist-fight with my college roommate about the Yankees 2007 pitching staff being inferior to the Red Sox’, I also like laughing at just about anything going on in American society.

So there, that’s “Why Now, Colt?!” I assure you, this introductory post will be my worst ever, but I felt it was a necessary cliche to give the whole “here’s what my blog and I will be about.” Stay tuned for the coming week as I touch  upon topics such as Theo Epstein’s inability to make the playoffs with $170 million, Kanye West’s hatred of all things not related to Kanye West, an “Ode to a Hot Chick” and possible excerpts from the book I’m working on (it’s been over a year, I’m on page three or four by my guess).

Actually, here’s an excerpt from the book I’m working on, right now, it tells a little more about me, only it doesn’t suck as badly as this first blog post.

Will Kanye grow to love this blog as much as himself? Doubtful. But, you might!


Archive from October 2009


Who invented the foreword anyway? This seems ridiculous. I did no research on writing a book, but I know that some books have forewords, and I will do anything to at least present the image of me being an author. Am I an author just for writing this? If people ask, can I tell them that I’m an author, and not an unemployed college graduate living with my parents? Have I been too rhetorical in my foreword? These thoughts have all come to mind since I sat down and started typing this.

I’m starting to really like the foreword.

My original intention was to write this book entirely at a Starbucks where I order trendy author-like fraps and have a cute barista know my order every morning. I’d also love to grow a beard, as some pictures I’ve seen of great writers show them with beards. Shakespeare had one. So did Robert Frost (editor’s note: I just googled Robert Frost to check the veracity of my last statement. It is false. Perhaps I can still be a great writer).

Anyway, I think I should tell a story at this point in the foreword to explain why I’m writing this book. If that’s what the foreword is even for.

Sophomore year of High School I wrote a five-page paper on some topic that escapes me now. I think English class. So it was probably a paper on Shakespeare or Robert Frost. That’s not important. My Mom asked me how the paper went and I told her I finished the fifth page. She asked how long it was supposed to be (five to seven) and then said, so why did you only do five. I answered, “Because it said five to seven. That means I can’t be penalized for doing the minimum.” She told me that it was the minimum and maybe I should consider doing the maximum some time to show more effort. I told her, “Mom, I ALWAYS do the minimum.”

This motto has generally guided my life in all endeavors that require work. It is also most likely the reason that I am an unemployed college grad living with my parents. Just think, if I did the maximum, I would be working a real job and not writing this book. So far, I’m having fun being an author. It has been 19 minutes. Now, I feel bad for the unemployed college graduates.

In closing, (Just the foreword’s closing. Not the entire book. Otherwise this would be a short book that may not classify as a book since it’s just a foreword) I’m writing this book because some people throughout my life have told me I’m entertaining and tell good stories. If they were patronizing me, this book is really going to suck. If they weren’t, then however many pages this book turns into might go down as the greatest words you have ever read (unless you have ever read Shakespeare or Robert Frost. I’ve spark noted them, and they seem pretty good, so I won’t put myself in their league, yet). The book should be about college and life, and things that are in college and life, and how I feel about those things. I just wrote that sentence and questioned whether I can put “, and” twice in the same sentence. I decided that since I’m the author and it’s my book, I could do this.

So without further ado, here is my book. If you are wondering, that foreword was fun. If I write another book, it will have a foreword, too.”


Oh, one quick word on the header of my blog. That picture will change, often. But for now, it’s a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover because the only thing better than sports are sports and supermodels in bikinis.


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